THE PERFECT PARTNER REVISITED : BIGOT-JOHNSON'S VERY OWN PERSON SPECIFICATIONS LIST

In bridge, it is so important to feel at ease with your partner. Someone you have total control over. Someone who looks up to you as the expert. A scapegoat.....eager and willing to take all the blame-shifting flak that will come his way. These are some of the basic requirements for a long lasting and workable partnership. So if you are still desperately searching for the ideal partner, here is my very own Person Specifications List which could of great benefit to you all...................

Therefore, it makes perfect sense to look for a partner with the following attributes :

1. Must have a high pain threshold

2. Must possess a seriously disturbing masochistic tendency

3. Must be of the same gender as yourself ( to avoid any accusations of sexist bullying )

4. Must be more compliant than competent

5. Must always be willing to accept you are right.....and that he is wrong

6. Must never get ideas beyond his station

7. Must recognise that bridge is more of a contact sport than a contract sport

8. Must readily accept that knocking sense into him may require the use of cudgels

9 . Must never take control of auctions : and on no account bid a major or NT ahead of you

10. Must learn to accept that your attitude is far greater than your aptitude

11. Must have a strong work ethic on improving his level of mediocrity

12. Must recognise your right as the expert to be rude and abusive

13. Must expect a gruelling after just one hand, if only to ensure your urge does not die of starvation

14. Must be acutely aware that winning is a matter of life and death.......namely his

15. Must be prepared to leave by the backdoor, when racked with depression and low self-esteem

16. Must be facially expressive, letting you in on inadvertent but crucial tells

17. Must play doomed contracts quickly in order to minimise your pain

18. Must not engage in hundreds of hours of practice ( because who wants to partner an expert loser ? )

19. Must not be a convention freak, because the road to bridge oblivion is paved with them

20. Must have all the enduring and welcoming qualities of a doormat