( Bigot had somehow convinced the Walnut Tree Allotment BC he was a painter of international renown. Boasting that his paintings were fetching over £10,000 each, he persuaded the club to pay £5,000 for an impressionist interpretation of the latest committee portrait photo. However, on its grand unveiling at the AGM the committee were none too pleased. In fact they were livid, and Bigot was summoned to attend an urgently convened disciplinary hearing. )
Chairman : Bigot-Johnson ....you were commissioned to do an impressionist painting of the committee, using the detail from this photograph we gave you......but heavens above just look at the rubbish you produced !!
B-J: What are you talking about..... pray tell me what exactly is wrong with this painting ?
Chairman : Well first off....we can't help but notice that the picture depicts a kangaroo wearing a black gown and a wig......What the blue blazes is that all about ?
B-J : I felt the painting need a touch of humour in it......
Chairman : But not only that....... you've got dotted all around the committee members....... dozens of sheep and banana eating monkeys. What on earth was going on here ?
B-J : Allow me to explain.... the bananas were painted in because the picture needed a splash or two of yellow. As for the sheep and monkeys I was working on the concept of animal farm meeting up with animal house...
Chairman : This is an outrage....and why have you got one committee member wearing a hood and carrying a scythe ?
B-J : That's the farming connection....
Chairman : But what is truly unacceptable is that dozens of other characters have been added to the painting. I see one committee member flanked by Buck Rogers, Ginger Rogers, and Roy Rogers...... who is doing God knows what to Trigger. I see another committee member surrounded by Christopher Wren, Florence Nightingale, and Christopher Robin..... who has got his hands in the same honey pot as pooh bear. In fact, the whole bloody painting is crammed full of well known and well-loved celebrities. God dammit man, you were commissioned to paint 12 people only.
B-J : I thought the picture needed to come alive, giving it kind of party and carnival feel...........
Chairman : And what about all those characters you've included from the Alice in Wonderland story ?
B-J : I wanted the whole thing to look like a Mad Hatter's tea party..................
Chairman : This is preposterous ! .....but we curious to find out why there is an image of the man hanging from the gallows in the background ?
B-J : Well, that was simply added to provide a touch of drama and mystery...............
Chairman : This painting is complete nonsense..... for as I recall, you Bigot were hired as an impressionist painter...
B-J : Yes...unfortunately I gave you the wrong impression as what school of art I belonged to.....I am in reality a surrealist painter.....a fan and devotee of Dali
Chairman : So it seems. But we have heard enough. This apology for art is of no bloody use to us. Moreover, this picture represents a fundamental breach of contract. It is the product of a twisted and devious mind, representing in our eyes an outrageous, offensive and defamatory statement.......which we feel requires us to take disciplinary action against you.
B-J : But what about my five grand ?...............
Chairman : You'll not see a single penny of that....and although we initially thought of dishing out a 6 month ban, we have decided to fine you £2,000 instead. This you might choose to describe this as a " brush off ".
B-J : You swine....
Chairman : Anything else you would like to say ?
B-J : Bugger....bugger....bugger
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