Following a landmark ruling, bridge it seems can no longer be played in the UK. This tragic state of affairs followed a decision to uphold the Crown Prosecution Service's claim that bridge clubs, up and down the country, were contravening Section 4 of the Vagrancy Act of 1824. This Act, although obsolete, had never been repealed, but it took only one whistle-blowing telephone call by Bigot-Johnson to reactivate it. It was his information to the CPS that prompted this action against the EBU. An extract from the trial's transcript appears below, one in which Bigot was called to give his expert evidence. Indeed, Bigot had now helped to set a precedent putting all bridge clubs around the world at risk, in that they too could easily be flouting their own vagrancy laws.
Prosecutor : I now call upon the Crown's main witness...the legendary Bigot-Johnson. A man of immense honesty and integrity.....not to mention a very skillful and experienced bridge player in his own right. He will enlighten the court as to the crucial aspects of the game, which clearly fall foul of the Vagrancy Act of 1824.
B-J : Happy to oblige.......
P : Under Section 4 of this Act, it is a statutory offence for anyone to pretend or profess to make prophecies about future events, which cause alarm or consternation to others. Whether these prophecies hold true or not is immaterial. The essence of the offence is the deception of others.
B-J : Too right.....
P : If a prediction does not come true, then deceit has clearly taken place. Conversely, if a prediction proves correct, then this will only lead to people who listen to such wild speculations to believe that the so-called fortune teller has special powers.......and therefore will be right again. This of course becomes another gross deception.
B-J : Well put.......
P : Although the prisoners in the dock are not rogues or vagabonds, but top ranking EBU officials of respectable appearance, they too are equally obliged to obey the law.
B-J : Hang'em is what I say....
P : Now Bigot....tell the court what in fact is the essence of the game ?
B-J : Well, at any one table each of the 4 players is dealt 13 cards. Then they enter into a bidding auction working as pairs to bid their hand. The pair that makes the highest bid wins the auction, but the contract bid is only a prediction as to how many tricks they believe they can make.....
P : Ah....so players at the outset don't know how many tricks they will win, just the number of tricks they think they might win. In short a prediction.....a prophecy.....
B-J : Yes....in essence every player becomes a fortune teller. Each has a go at making a prediction as to the future outcome of the play of the cards. Sometimes the predictions are right, but in may cases the predictions are wrong.
P : Hmm.......it should be noted at this point that in many cities, countries, and states across America, laws of varying sorts, against " fortune telling ", are on their statute books. Clearly, deception is seen as a terrible crime worldwide....a crime which needs to be stamped out wherever it is found.
B-J : Well said....
P : And until Bigot-Johnson stepped forward to tell us what goes on inside these dens of deception, this insidious form of prophecy might have carried on undetected for another 100 years.
B-J : A shocking prospect....
P : Indeed, any sort of prophecy that contravenes the teachings of the Bible, causing people to fear the worse, must be severely dealt with. So please Bigot tell the court how players at the table respond to these contract prophecies ?
B-J : Partner always lives in fear that they might not come true. Opponents on the other hand live in fear that they will come true. Either way, it is likely that one pair will always feel wretched...... seconds after the actual trick counts are known....
P : My God......this is worse than I first imagined. It seems therefore all players fall victim to these prophecies, repeated throughout the course of an evening. And what long term damage do players inflict upon each other ?
B-J : Many get depressed....others suffer from anxiety or panic attacks..... and some even contemplate suicide...
P : Well, I have never come across a more clear cut case. Predicting tricks like you describe Bigot is nothing more than an " unholy " practice. that brings untold misery to all those exposed to it. The EBU as the governing body have a lot to answer for....
B-J : I'm totally with you on that one.....
Judge : Me too.....these bridge clubs are running amok with these tricky and devious fortune tellers. The scale of this crime is breath-taking. I have no hesitation therefore but to direct the jury to find a guilty verdict, holding the EBU as the body accountable for these widespread atrocities.
B-J : Bravo......but before I step down Mr. Prosecutor, pray tell me....what is my fee for giving evidence for the Crown ?
P : Nothing...
B-J : What....nothing ?
P : Yes...nothing....
B-J : Well, shag me with a rag man's trumpet...
Judge : My chambers then, Bigot ?........Or perhaps the downstairs' toilets ?
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