LAW  REPORT : BIGOT-JOHNSON V. WALNUT TREE ALLOTMENT SOCIETY  BRIDGE CLUB  ( 2015 )

Yet again the Walnut Tree Allotment Society BC committee were forced to severely reprimand Bigot-Johnson for a flagrant breach of the club's rules with regards to its revised dress code. Having been slung out after the briefest of hearings , Bigot decided once again to argue in court that the expulsion was both wrongful and invalid. This time he decided to hire a top barrister from London to fight his corner. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below . )

Counsel for the plaintiff  (CP ) : Your Honour....I represent Howard Bigot-Johnson , who is by all accounts a world famous blogger and household name 
Judge : Never heard of him......he looks likes a sailor in that ridiculous outfit
CP : He's a trifle odd I must admit , but I am indebted to your Honour for your astute observation. However , let me assure you that he is a familiar face in the bridge scene here in the UK, and his face is well known in the bawdy pubs and brothels , which are in close proximity to tournaments venues up and down this country.
Judge : I don't suppose you have details of these establishments ?
CP : Well , as a matter of fact I do....
Judge : Well pass them over please....
CP : There you go your Honour....But if I may return to the matter in hand , which is the mean , vindictive and wrongful expulsion of my client from this club. 
Judge : I do recall the counsel for the defendants establishing the fact that Bigot turned up to a teams event with three young , gorgeous looking , well endowed , topless slappers in his team ,
of which many photographs were taken as evidence of his misconduct. Moreover , the defence counsel established that the club had the strictest of dress code policies anywhere to be found in the world of bridge.
CP : Indeed they did , the puritans. However , close scrutiny of the dress code regulations lists hundreds of items which cannot be worn , but there is no mention of a lack of clothing which would constitute a breach of the rules. In short a birthday suit was not on the list. As it happens all three ladies were from nudist colony bridge clubs , where hundreds of men and women regularly play bridge in the buff
Judge : Are they here as witnesses ?
CP : Unfortunately not
Judge : That's a shame
CP : But I have a dossier , packed with photos , of these nudist colony bridge clubs which demonstrate how well attended... and popular.... their duplicate sessions are. This provides clear evidence of how times are changing and how more liberal minded our society is becoming...
Judge: May I have a look at this dossier ?
CP : Of course
Judge : Phew ! Is it me or is it getting hot in here. Please tell the staff to turn off the radiators , open the windows ....and to fetch me a bucket of ice-cold water.
CP : Therefore , I submit to you your Honour that there was no breach of any dress code rule , and as a consequence there are no grounds whatsoever for the committee to charge my client with misconduct . The expulsion was both wrongful and invalid. 
Judge : I'm terribly sorry but I missed all that.....I was still catching up with the contents of this dossier
CP : I understand. Your attention to detail is both admirable and commendable. So allow me to recap.....there was no breach of the dress code....no valid charge against my client.....no grounds on which to expel my client from the club
Judge : I agree.....that was a very succinct , cogent and logical argument. Freedom of dress should be enshrined in our laws like freedom of speech. Just look at the ludicrous gowns and wigs we have to wear. In a liberal society like ours , there should be no place for people with fixed, rigid rules about dress . God was happy giving fig leaves to Adam and Eve....and keeping fleshy bits under wraps restricts people's ability to absorb sunlight into their skin to maintain healthy levels of vitamin D .....essential for fighting off infectious skin diseases. Therefore I find for the plaintiff
CP : I'm indebted to you , your Honour for seeing sense , and it would seem most appropriate for you to keep the dossier as a memento of this momentous trial 
Judge : I am forced to admit my eyesight is poor. Is there any chance of getting hold of some blow ups ?
CP : Photographs or plastic dolls ?
Judge : Both please
CP : Take it as done....
B-J : Bugger me.....now that's what I'll call a result