AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT : For the first time ever we have published a law report which breaks all censorship boundaries. Using all the latest joke-gathering techniques , including state-of-the-art satirical pieces , pin-point parody and good old fashioned toilet humour, Bizarrebridgeworld has pieced together a masterpiece.


LAW REPORT : PANDORA PANTOPOD v. BIGOT-JOHNSON ( AND OTHERS ) 2015

With the purge still in full swing , Pandora found herself at the mercy of a rather cut and dried disciplinary process. Fuming that the internal club appeal failed to set aside the committee's initial decision to sling her out , the case eventually found its way to the Supreme Court In London on which a landmark precedent was going be set. Bigot-Johnson , stubbornly refusing to heed best legal advice, went ahead as usual to present the club's case. A key extract from the trial's transcript can be seen below.

Judge : Are you telling this court, Bigot , that poor Pandora Pantopod never got an initial hearing ?
B-J : Too damn right she didn't . Her fate was sealed as soon as she brought that dog muck onto the premises , stuck to the soles of her shoes. The criminal damage she caused to the carpets was unforgivable. It was a foregone conclusion as to what the committee's decision was going to be.
Judge : And what about the fact that many members on the committee were known to harbour extreme negative views about her , which to even impartial observers amounted to bias? 
B-J : Good God man , have you ever played bridge against this infernal woman ? Because if you had .... you would also harbour the same degree of hatred and loathing I have towards her.
Judge : Well , I hate to upset you....... but Pandora was entitled to be treated with fundamental fairness , which requires an initial hearing comprised of committtee members with open minds, free of pre-judgements and bias.
B-J : But the silly bitch never asked for a hearing ?
Judge : She didn't have to.....the onus was on you to offer her one......and in the light of the punishment you had planned.....strong words of advice should have been sent out for her to attend and be heard. 
B-J : But the punishment was proportionate given her appalling disciplinary record over the years  
Judge : Sadly we are not here to review the decision , just the manner and way the disciplinary process was carried out.
B-J : Give me a break..... we spent hours and hours collected dirt on her.....if she hadn't got enough already on the soles of her shoes. Why we even held a re-enactment that cost another few hundred pounds in cleaning costs , hiring off an off-the-street tart to play her part.
Judge : And according to evidence provided by the plaintiff's counsel , it was your dog's random droppings , which she inadvertently stepped on while crossing the lawn of the Slaughter House BC gardens. Moreover , all the outside lighting was out of action for lack of proper maintenance ...... which therefore places a big burden of blame upon yourself.
B-J : Oh shit....but hey I have a real Ace in my pack to play here today
Judge : Yes.....please enlighten me ?
B-J : Pandora did get a hearing after all in the form of an internal appeal which took place two years later
Judge : So I take it then the ban was put on hold until the appeal panel had its say ?
B-J : Like hell it was....no bloody point.....the appeal panel also figured her expulsion was nothing more than a foregone conclusion
Judge : What .....you didn't set out to find panelists with completely open minds, who were prepared to consider the possible shortcomings and errors of the committee?
B-J : Please allow me to put you right on a point...... the three names randomly selected from the hat were all members of the club...... who the committee trusted
Judge : Trusted ?
B-J : Trusted to do a good job and back the committee all the way. 
Judge : What other names were put in the hat ?
B-J : Just those three .....in fact the only hat we could lay our hands was a barbie doll hat just big enough for three bits of paper
Judge : Who were these members ?
B-J : Freddy Axman , Chopper Harris......and MIke McChete
Judge : Three good men you reckoned would do a great hatchet job
B-J : Too right !  And if you name the right price......they'll do any job you want...... cleanly and precisely........no questions asked
Judge : Like at the appeal ?
B-J : Hold on a mo....their job was to listen to one side's case... and ignore the other. Goddamnit the whole charade ooops appeal....took over 8 hours with Pandora going on and on about injustice , spurious allegations of bias and unfairness and breaches of rules of natural justice. The whole debacle could have taken less than 2 hours if she had bothered to let legal counsel do her talking
Judge : But she did bring legal counsel with her , a respected member of the club , only to be told by the panel that he was not welcome and to keep his mouth firmly closed
B-J : Oh yes.....that was a unfortunate oversight. 
Judge : Just the like the one of failing to acknowledge fundamental mistakes made by you and the committee, requiring them to declare your decision invalid. These mistakes were so flagrant .....and so obvious. And with evidence suggesting that the appeal process itself was similarly tainted with procedural misgivings .....this appeal was never going to be in a position to make things right.
B-J : Yet ...the chairman stated weeks before how right were were....... and much he was in support of our decision to sling her out
Judge : Enough.....I find for the plaintiff .....and I'm sure my colleagues will concur with my analysis and decision