NEWSFLASH :

STOP CALLING IT YOUR MONEY SAYS THE USA BRIDGE UNION

The USA Bridge Union has reminded its members that "their " money is actually its money.
The spokesman of the governing body said " giving members access to , or control over, the vast cash reserves which have been built up over the years , following crippling increases in membership subscriptions and tournament entry fees ,  is not a core priority."
The spin doctor then then went on to say " that the very idea that the cash reserves should be used for the members' benefit is a non starter. We need that money to invest in a massive pension pot , which will guarantee us on retirement  a generous income to supplement and bolster our personal work pensions , and the profits many of us make on commodity speculation and real estate transactions. "
Other highly paid salaried officers in the union were also in strong agreement that this pension pot investment was absolute necessary if they were to remain on the gravy train , to enable further re-feathering of their cosy nests, and to live the life of Riley. Moreover , the pension pot income also had to cover the huge retainers with bonuses dished out to their respective accountants , brokers and lawyers.
" In addition , you need hefty pensions to afford the fees charged by the bridge professionals when hiring them as your partners on the endless merry-go-round of luxury cruise bridge holidays and high profile tournaments being held in beautiful , far away exotic locations. I think the members will completely agree that we deserve this little perk , given all the hard work , energy and time we have spent filling in fictitious claim forms for expenses. Members aren't stupid . They know what is important and what really matters."