YET ANOTHER NEARLY TRUE STORY............( By Bridgemeister Gibson )

Slow players as we all know are the proverbial pain in the arse. They ruin the enjoyment of the game with their indecision, dithering and never ending uncertainty. No matter what hand they have been dealt,  every bid and play of the card requires careful thought and deliberation, even when they are following suit with a singleton.
Well, last week at my club a hand was rigged up for one of the slowest players on God's earth.
Effectively,he had 12 top cards in a 7-3-2-1, only missing the Ace of hearts. After what seemed an eternity he eventually opened 2C, only for partner to give a negative 2D. Then, after emerging from the tank for a second time, he spluttered out a bog standard blackwood 4NT.  On hearing that partner did indeed have that missing Ace, 13 tricks in 7NT was now a formality.
Nevertheless, it took a good while before the bid was made.
As his LHO placed the King of clubs down on the table for the opening lead, the slowcoach pondered long and hard at his hand before taking the trick with his singleton Ace. Even then the play of the remaining twelve tricks was long and laborious affair. 
At the end of this torturous ordeal,  an exasperated opponent asked " Why the hell did you take so long....... you had nothing but top winners ? ". The tortoise looked up, clearly offended by the remark. " Well sir, even with 12 certain tricks  I had decisions to make along the way...... especially over the order in which to play out all my remaining winners. "