BIGOT-JOHNSON IS TO INTRODUCE ANOTHER    EXCITING BATCH OF AWARDS AT THE CLUB'S FORTHCOMING AGM PRIZE GIVING CEREMONY....

Yes , Bigot-Johnson has done it again ,  by taking another giant step to ensure that no member leaves the AGM without an award of some kind . With so many trophies going to the usual suspects year after year , Bigot was determined to acknowledge the outstanding achievements of those who were destined never to win at bridge. As far as he was concerned bridge is all about using one's head, and so in recognition of this fact all the new awards are " head " related....

1. Toffee Nose Award ....for the member whose overly supercilious and pretentious   behaviour caused even hardened bystanders to experience nausea and sickness

2. Pinocchio ( long nose ) Award ....for the club officer renown for telling  the biggest porkies and most outrageous lies 

3. Bare Faced Cheek Award .....for the player whose table behaviour is so audacious, brash , brazen and shameless several death threats have been made against him

4. Pricked Ears Award.....for the player who has demonstrated an awesome ability to tune into any table conversation ( about boards ) from even the other end of the room

5. Head In The Sand Awards.....for all those members who refuse to hear and accept the painful truth , preferring instead to believe the clap trap coming from those who speak with forked tongues

6. Brown Nose Award .....for the most sycophantic club member who is willing to go to almost any length to obtain acceptance and approval from those regarded as top dogs

7. Brown Tongue Award....for the member who has been prepared to debase himself fully ,  by going that extra length in an attempt to curry favour with the club's elite 

8. Giraffe Neck Award.....for the player who has developed an uncanny knack of stretching his neck out a very long way in an attempt to peek at his opponents' cards

9. Bone Head Award.......for the dunce who has gained the most publicity for his/her completely inept play, which happens to be a consequence of his stupidity, slowness and mulish stubbornness 

10. Big Mouth Award.....for the loudest attention-seeking  member, who insists on holding court to all those foolishly stupid enough to give him the time of day 

11. Brass Neck Award.....for the player who received a bucket load of complaints for the most staggering and daring display of rudeness towards harmless and overly sensitive   opponents 

12. Split Hair Award.....for the most pernickety  club member , who by setting out to be both argumentative and awkward constantly quibbles over the smallest details, forever making petty and pointless distinctions  

13. Blind Eye Awards.... for club members who choose to ignore information , which contradicts  either their prejudices and beliefs , or the behaviour of others which they know to be wrong  

14. Eagle Eye Award.....for the player who loves to leave his seat for walkabouts , intently watchful of dummy's exposed cards on boards soon to be played at his table 

15. Evil Eye Award......for the player who has developed a particular skill of gazing or staring at opponents because he/she suspects foul play or cheating