REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG.........

Dear Becky, Could you do me a real favour by responding to this anonymous guy, The enclosed letter is one he sent begging me ( bad choice on his part ) to offer some bridge-related advice ! Clearly, you are much better placed to do this given your bridge expertise and counselling skills. Remember, you owe me a favour......Best regards, Dr. John.

............( The enclosed letter )...................

Dear Dr. John, I need your advice on two matters.

I am widely regarded in my own household as being the most sartorially elegant and best player in the northern hemisphere. This is a cause of some matrimonial arguments, because I want to know why not the southern hemisphere as well ? However, that's not the point.

1. The fact that I have not won anything of significance other than the occasional Swiss teams event can only be the fault of incompetent partners and team mates that I have. What I want to know is this. At what point in the proceedings should I make them aware of their shortcomings:

- before we sit down to play ?

- immediately after they have failed to understand one of my clever bids ?

- at the end of the hand ?

- when speaking loudly to other people ( after inhaling some dangerous substances ) ?

- when the world at large is present in the club bar ?

2. Clearly, the laws of the game are there to be exploited to the advantage of those, who take both the time and effort to know them. At what point should I use the said laws :

- when opponents have inadvertently and innocently failed to comply with them, perhaps because they have been distracted when I knocked over one of their drinks ?

- when they announce that they are beginners, and are only out to have an enjoyable evening ? ( Is such a thing allowed ? )

- when through serendipity they land on their feet and get a god score against me ?

I do not feel I am getting all that is due to me, and I need your help. Yours extremely Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I hope you don't mind but Dr. John passed your letter on to me, because he felt you needed to get advice from someone who was best equipped to give it. And that's me.....Rebecca Rood.....the bridge players' very own world famous Agony Aunt. So please allow me to address and answer the questions you posed.

1. Whoever your marital partner is, it is better to share her ludicrous delusion rather than form an even more ludicrous one of your own.

2. Blaming others for your misfortunes at bridge is very understandable......the bridge world is full of players who think they can play the game, when in reality the opposite is true. However, by failing to find players who are up to your standard is either a case of irrational complacency on your part, or an inability to tell a silk purse from a sow's ear.

3. As to the most appropriate time and place to inform your partners and team mates of your shortcomings, the options you listed all have their merits. However, much depends on what your motives are ? Are you out to humiliate them ? To educate them ? To seek revenge and retribution ? To entertain those in close attendance ? My own preference is to inform them in a quiet corner somewhere in a gentle soothing and reassuring voice. But if that fails to achieve any improvement in their performance next time out, then I do very quickly move onto verbal and whip lashings, after first chaining them to the walls of my sound-proofed cellar.

4. Yes, I agree with you....if the laws give you rights of redress, then you must use them to undo any damage which any breaches may have caused you. Similarly, some opponents may need to be taught a sharp lesson, so they know not to commit any similar breaches in the future. Moreover, if you do choose to use them purely to gain an undeserved advantage, then in my eyes that also seems fair.....if only to redress the number of times that you were once " done over " in this way. Everything, you see, has a habit of balancing out. Anyway, can you name me any other sport where " an opponent " isn't someone you want to completely crush and destroy.

Yours the Goddess of wisdom and insight, Rebecca

" DOCTOR JOHN....I'VE HAD THIS STRANGE DREAM "

- Yes Bigot......why don't you tell me about it....."

- Well, the scene is a courtroom.....and Percy Pantopod has been chosen for jury service, but he very much wanted to avoid it. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. Now, on the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. So just as the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.

"Your honour" , he said, " I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant, who I have told is the infamous Bigot-Johnson. I have heard stories about him being a loud, obnoxious, bullying bridge player, a wife beater and a serial flouter of the law. I took one look at that man over there with that hideous moustache, ill-fitting pin-stripe suit, beady eyes and dishonest face.....and I said to myself there is a truly wicked man, who is as guilty as hell.....guilty, guilty, guilty ! "

The judge thought for moment or two, only to give a very stern reply : " Get back into that jury box....You're just the kind of juror we want in this trial.....a good judge of character.....for that man is Bigot-Johnson's shyster of a lawyer. So let's get this most despicable villain up from the cells, and get this trial underway. "

- Upon my soul Bigot, this self-abasing dream of yours tells me you've suffering from a serious and severe mental disorder....

- Oh bugger.......

BRIDGE CLUB COMMITTEES.......BIGOT-JOHNSON SPEAKS OUT

Bridge club committees in my experience achieve very little. I should know.....I was chairman for one for 3 years running, until irate members called an extraordinary general meeting to have me ( and all my lackeys) voted off. What with accusations of rigging the AGM elections, disappearing club funds, declining membership and expensive perks for committee members, we were all scapegoated to take the blame ! Mind you, handing back to the club the keys to the porsche 911 did upset me a bit.

But since then..... have subsequent committees turned round the fortunes of the club ? I think not. Uselessness has replaced irresponsibility. In my time we had no problems reaching agreement on issues : members did as I instructed. You see, the essence of an " effective committee " requires it to be composed of 3 people, with one who is always sick and the other who is always absent. Recent committees here tend to be large gatherings, where they argue and procrastinate on issues, almost to the point of standing still. However, it is my contention that bridge club committees, the world over, can only reach agreement on 12 things, as listed below :

• How best to arrange the tables and chairs prior to the start of the meeting
• The number of teas and coffees required for the interval session
• That nothing can be done of any significance concerning major issues, given the problems and contraints they would encounter..... so therefore there's no point in trying
• If something could be done regarding less important matters, it would be so much wiser to put them on the back burner for a while.....then later on throw the balls up into the air and see how they land
• Things of a completely trivial and petty nature should be tackled immediately
• Who should pour out the tea and coffee when it arrives
• The best place to go to buy the tea, coffee and biscuits for the next meeting
• What needs to be done to maintain the status quo power bases within the club
• What the barriers are ( and why they can't be overcome ) to achieve innovation and change
• What needs to go in the published version of the minutes, which gives the impression that something useful had been achieved during the meeting
• What time to finish the meeting
• When to hold the next meeting

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG....................................

Dear Rebecca,

Why is that so many sour grape losers come up to me and say " we would have beaten you if my partner had not messed up on board X " . Don't they realize my partners may have messed up big time on boards A,B and C !

Yours looking for sympathy here, Dave

Dear Dave, I'm with you all the way on this one, because every time I come top ( as I usually do ) I also end up with disgruntled runners-up telling me the very same thing.

What these poor miserable sods have yet to grasp is that most pairs in the top 6 have encountered a few bad boards along the way. And it should be obvious to them that success ultimately depends on how good their scores are on all the other boards.

It is quite evident that these whinging pairs, who claim to have had just one lousy board, can not be taking many risks......settling for a load of field average plus all the time. Good players in my book are risk takers, always willing to concede a few bottoms knowing that several well-earned galactic tops will cancel them out twice over. The hallmark of great players is their ability to complement their genius and flair with an aggressive gambling instinct.

Too many players bemoan the fact they don't seem to have any luck, but none of them seem to realize that in the game of bridge you make your own luck, by taking calculated risks that could lead opponents astray or into troubled waters.

Yours of a like mind, Rebecca

BRIDGE CLUB COMMITTEES : PROFESSOR HU CHI KU CHI INVESTIGATES A RISING TREND IN RESIGNATIONS......

Intensive research has shown that all bridge clubs the world over have experienced a rising trend of committee member resignations. Why is this happening I ask myself ? What on earth possesses these willing volunteers to throw in the towel ? Or to storm off in a huff ? To me, the obvious thing to do was to survey all those committee members, who have resolutely stayed the course, to find out all the qualities, attributes and character traits one needs to have....to survive the trials and tribulations of the job. And out of the hundred or so different answers I received , the list below represents the top 20. Survival, therefore, seems to depend on committee members having the ability to :

1. Ignore guilt feelings about being voted in on a tidal wave of gerrymandering
2. Overcome gut-wrenching tedium and extreme boredom
3. Suffer fools gladly
4. Allow control freaks and/or lunatics to run the show
5. Remain calm even when nit-picking arseholes keep side-tracking discussions with trivial points of order, and pointless irrelevancies
6. Always vote with the majority irrespective of who they are. or what they are proposing. ( This is based on a Bigot-Johnson time-saving principle that states: the larger the minority group, the greater the likelihood of protracted discussion and debate. )
7. Make yourself at ease with people you would otherwise kill or maim
8. Suppress any desire to scream out in anguish, pain, despair and frustration
9. Develop a real masochistic liking for drowning in verbal diarrhea
10. Have no useful alternative pursuits at the times committee meetings are scheduled, or better still to have no useful life at all
11. Develop a passionate interest in agenda items of a trivial nature, or matters that have no real significance whatsoever
12. Vote if necessary opposite to what common sense or your conscience dictates
13. Abide by the Law of Committees, which states that the amount of time spent by a committee on an agenda item must be inversely proportional to the importance of the item ( or its cost )
14. Have no concept of time which has been lost, wasted or ill-used
15. Switch yourself " off " and " on " as and when the occasion demands
16. Never say or do anything, which allows the nit-pickers to enter the fray and rail-road discussions into the barren wilderness of puerile and pointless debate
17. Never introduce worthwhile initiatives, which might well result in you being made to implement and take responsibility for overseeing
18. Avoid making the mistake of volunteering to undertake positions on existing or new sub-committees
19. Remain utterly oblivious to any remarks or criticisms about your performance as a committee member : treat statements like " you incompetent, useless twat " as comic banter
20. Support every suggestion that the next meeting should be put back a few weeks, and that potentially lengthy and difficult agenda items should be put on the back burners

( So if you can see yourself meeting all these requirements, then you have got real potential to survive bridge club committees. In other words, you are the ideal candidate to get involved with a multitude of mundane, soul destroying tasks ..... to step in and fill the boots of those who just couldn't hack it. )

DON'T LET IMPETUOSITY TAKE OVER FROM THINKING.... ( Article by Johnny Supremo )

Many players get sloppy in their declarer play.....just like my partner did the other day. All he did was fail to consider a 5-0 trump break. He held: AKQJx...x...Axx...AKJx opposite my dummy hand of 10xx...xxx...xxx...Q10xx. The contract was 4S and the opening lead was the Ace of hearts, followed by another. Initially it looks an easy contract with 4s, 4c, 1D plus the one heart ruff at trick 2. So when my impetuous partner ruffed the second heart, he was doomed after the subsequent discovery of the 5-0 trump break. He was now forced to concede two diamonds and a club ruff !

What should he have done ?.... Well, given the possibility of such an extreme break happening, he ought to have guarded against it.....by simply pitching his 2 diamond losers on the inevitable heart force. This meant that 4S was an absolute certainty despite the adverse trump position. The loser on loser principle would have ensured ( without any undue alarm ) the last ten tricks courtesy of 5S, 4C and 1D.

BIGOT-JOHNSON UNDERGOES THERAPY................................

( This is a short extract borrowed from the confidential notes kept by Dr. John, as he tried to get to grips with Bigot's severe multiple personality disorder. )

DJ : So what do you remember about your parents before they suddenly disappeared from your life.........leaving you as a small disfigured child on the steps of the orphanage, without any letter or form of identification ?

B-J : Not much...because my mother spent most of her time cleaning all my soiled and sodden bed sheets and clothes, while I spent most of my time down in the cellar as part of my punishment. As for my father, I rarely saw him at all since he spent most of his time locked behind the toilet door trying to overcome a persistent and nagging problem of acute constipation.

DJ : You mean to say you never spent any time with your father ?

B-J : Oh...I wouldn't say that.....because I had many conversations with him through the wooden toilet door about all sorts of things.....but his constant grunting and groaning did make meaningful communication very difficult.

DJ : And what about your memories.... and experiences.....of the orphanage ?

B-J : I was extremely unhappy there. I was bullied, laughed at, mocked and rejected....

DJ : In the same way as you are at the bridge club ?

B-J : Not quite....at the orphanage my club feet were a huge source of embarrassment to me, but a huge source of entertainment to all the other kids. Thankfully, after a few corrective operations I became less of a freak. Nevertheless I was obliged to play with myself, which I did quite successfully with all my imaginary friends.......

DJ : Who now of course have all become your alter egos......which in turn explains why you have this multiple personality disorder ?

B-J : Possibly so...because some my troubles at the bridge club do stem from my violent mood swings, personality changes and unpredictable bouts of extreme behaviour.

DJ : Well...I never would have guessed.....

B-J : However, I firmly believe it's my bridge genius and outrageous arrogance....that rattle the cages of the bridge club members......far far more than my bullying, loud offensive behaviour, my blatant disregard for the rules, ethical codes of practice, etiquette and protocol.

DJ : You surprise me.....

B-J : And it's because I'm so good at the game ......that's the very reason why I want to be liked and respected......but I cannot stop my other selves from being the demons there are.

DJ : Yes....as a child you allowed these demons to possess you, as a way of protecting yourself, and keeping your sanity....but now as an adult they are only out to destroy you and make you insane.

B-J : Hell yes....you're so right. So you can cure me then?............

DJ : Hell no....I'm a psycho-therapist not a exorcist !

B-J : Bugger

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : BOMBASTICA BASTARDUS

When bridge players fall victim to a serious psychological or personality disorder, most of us experience sadness, sympathy and concern over their misfortune. But there are some disorders that either have us running for the sick bucket, or the loaded shotgun we keep in the boot of the car. So it comes as no surprise to anyone that the most despised player in the world of bridge ......is the one who falls victim to bombastica bastardus. Often affecting men who are extremely large, immensely round and puffy fingered, they come across as social misfits who would be far more at home as fair ground freaks. Indeed, victims of this condition strut around like pompous and pretentious buffoons. Their egotistical drives fill them full of hot air and misplaced arrogance. Their self-importance knows no boundaries.

These hoity-toity, la-di-dah, toffee-nosed, up-their-own-arses, grinning Cheshire cats arrive at tables with that air of so-called superiority. They sit down, legs akimbo, oblivious to your presence because of their pre-occupation to carry over their self-congratulatory indulgences from earlier boards . They look for any kind of success in order to trigger off a well rehearsed series of high-fives, gloating laughs, smug remarks and rub-it-in comments to their unfortunate opponents. They love to make their opponents feel inferior....or "turned over" in some way. They think they know it all, but they haven't the wit or the nous to realise that they are viewed as grossly overbearing, irritating and obnoxious individuals. To regard them as "victims" of a disorder would be a gesture of tolerance and sympathy, but striking a match on a jelly would be an easier and much preferred option. And because the condition is incurable, and the law on mercy killings as yet is not on the statute books, the only course of action to take ( should you encounter these creeps ) is to find yourself a sick bucket......and then poor the contents over them.

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT HAD THE CANADIANS RAVING....... ( Research by Pun )

• Bridge Is No Laughing Matter......................................Hillary Tee
• Snorting My Way To New Highs In Bridge....................Ima Bull & Angel Dust
• Where Players Usually Fail....................................... Wendy Fending
• Knockout Final Was A Right Ding Dong Affair..............Belle Ringer
• I Refuse To Play In Competitive Events........................Les Hassell
• Thinking About Taking Up Bridge ?.............................Ava Goe
• He's So Good, He's Pisses on Everyone.....................Dick Shaker
• Canadian Players Love Wielding The Axe....................Tim Burr

JOHNNY SUPREMO CAN'T BELIEVE HIS LUCK.......

In a recent league match, one of the many boards which helped Johnny's team onto a resounding victory was board no.16.

Johnny picked up Qxxx..x..Qx....KQ10xxx, and on hearing his partner open 1S he made a simple limit raise to 3S. This was passed out, despite some squirming in the 4th seat. This sneaked home for +140. However, on the other table, his team-mates heard the bidding go as follows: 1S - Pass- 2C . This of course allowed East to enter the bidding with 2H. North rebid 2S, but when West came in with 3H offering both support and one or two outside values, East's decided to take his chances at 5H.....rather than double 4S for a paltry +100. This ambitious contract came sailing in, having received a fortuitous opening spade lead. Luck of course had a big part to play in the result, since a club lead would have defeated the contract. Nevertheless the +140 and +650 made healthy reading, adding even more imps to the bucket load which had already been collected.

And the moral of this short story, according to Johnny, is very straightforward and simple. Why be a prat and introduce a long minor suit into the bidding, when you know you have an excellent fit in the majors. Just make a limit raise to the known level of the fit. By bidding 3S direct, not only is it highly obstructive......it completely shafts the opponent in the 4th seat. Not only that, but the defence has a much harder time finding the best opening lead, having very little information to go on.

SO WHAT GETS UNDER YOUR NOSE THEN ?............ ( Article by Carp )

At my local club all kinds of table incidents occur.....most are very petty and trivial altercations, but others can end up a little more serious. However, one recent incident seemed to have got blown up out of all proportion, in that a third party put in a complaint, which resulted in an initial investigating committee requesting a re-enactment of the event. Strangely, this involved only one of the original four actors.......namely the complainant, who by chance also happened to be the club's senior tournament director. Well so much for a balanced and impartial view of what actually took place.

The altercation like so many others that occur at bridge tables ( the world over ) involved two characters, who have never been able to see eye to eye. Call it a clash of two strong personalities. Anyway, over the years each has made complaints about the other's use of provocative words and/or gestures. But here lies the crux of the problem. Was the alleged provocation a spur-of-the-moment act both unnecessary and uncalled for......or was it induced by the victim's earlier indiscretions ? In most cases of self-induced provocation, victims have only themselves to blame. Indeed, this problem inevitably comes to light, whenever the accused decides to defend a complaint by making a counter-complaint of his/her own .

Anyway, the upshot of this story was this : the accused separated the bridgemate from its keeper, frustrated with it not being put into a position where he could easily read the entered score. What followed was a theatrical and exaggerated gesture, which involved the bridgemate being moved around the table in a wide upward arc.... sweeping it right under the noses of all those sitting at the table. The message was obvious....... " NOW, we can all read the damn score ". So it seems that in this particular case, it was the bridgemate which got under the nose of his long standing rival........ but it was the nature of this petulant behaviour, which really got under the nose of the complainant.

No wonder Bigot-Johnson sees the world of bridge as bizarre !

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY.............................

• Beer card : a card which is often used to stand on your beer glass on, as an improvised substitute for a missing beer mat. Indeed, the first time this happened, the seven of diamonds was chosen.
• Average minus : a term most top players use to describe all others
• 14-30 : the time of day during a congress event when most young male players have consumed their third pint
• Filth : the type of language used by players who are sick of being dealt garbage hands
• Block : something a player puts his neck on, when attempting an audacious psyche
• Futile Willie : originally a character in S.J. Simon's book, but now used to describe a player who has lost his ability to make even an adequate score
• Dump : the place where all the score-cards of average minus players end up
• Barrage : a term used to describe the sheer volume and velocity of insults that can rain down on you, if you happen to upset your highly volatile and explosive partner

RECENT HALL OF FAME AWARD CEREMONY ENDS ON A SOUR NOTE......( Report by Pun )

A very well known ( but not well liked ) lady bridge player was invited to attend the latest HOF award ceremony and banquet. She was a self-confessed man-hater, but her stunning looks and superb brain attracted many male suitors from the upper echelons of the bridge world. However, she spurned all their bids and bold advances, preferring instead to partner her long time lesbian friend.

So when she was called out to collect her award, and with it admission into the hallowed fraternity of the game's most celebrated players, she was asked " what factors contributed to your success ? " . Before she could answer several suggestions boomed out from the audience......

- " Your impregnable defence ? "

- " Your inconceivable single-mindedness ? "

- " Your unbearable table presence ? "

Dismissing these suggestions with utter contempt, she glared at her tormentors for several seconds. Then, with a real cutting edge to her voice, she coldly replied : " No...No.....you men as usual have got it all wrong.....for as a bridge player....and a woman....my success in this male chauvinistic world is simply down to two things.....I am both insurmountable and inscrutable. "

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : THE JERUSALEM SYNDROME

As a young psycho-analyst I often wondered why so many club players treat bridge as their religion, and the club house as their temple. But now I know the answer : they are all victims of a disorder known as the Jerusalem Syndrome.

Jerusalem is said to be the only city in the world with its own psychiatric condition. People who come to this city suddenly start to believe in the idea they must go forward in life as prophets, or incarnations of biblical figures. Proclaiming themselves to be the new generation of God's agents, and disciples of the Lord, they start to spout a whole load of nonsense about disturbing revelations and visions of the future, and how Christian values can lead to a better life. Indeed, the city gets more than its fair share of religious fanatics, who rant on and on about the second coming of Christ, or Armageddon. The fact that only sane people succumb to this syndrome seems baffling, in that completely mad people don't. Their transformation into religious zealots causes many of them to wander around the old city ruins, and the biblical wilderness outside, dressed in white sheets......claiming to be the chosen ones and the new Messiahs of the 21st century.

Yet, it is my contention that a variant of the Jerusalem Syndrome has reared its head inside bridge clubs, all over the world. Visitors turn up at these clubs to learn the game, but without realising what is happening, they treat bridge as their new found religion. Their willingness to devote their whole lives to this new calling is frightening. Nothing else at all now matters to them......bridge has become the God of Light........who has enabled them to see their true selves, and their new missions in life. Firstly, they must spread the word of the Wonder of Bridge, persuading others to come to the temples and be converted. Secondly, they must teach the non-believers in the club, the ways the Bridge Gods want the game to be played. In no time at all, bridge clubs are swarming with these bridge preaching zealots, who see themselves as the new bridge gurus....the fountains of all knowledge and wisdom. They preach the gospels of the Acol Bible, and the Rules of the Sacred Orange Book. Nothing stops them in their quest to convert others into following suit. Nothing stops them in spouting out endless loads of patronising, sanctimonious clap-trap. I have tried, believe you me, dozens of theraputic treatments on these poor souls, but all to Noah Veil.

A BRIEF WORD FROM THE BIGOT........................

My editorial team and I have been working our butts off to keep this blog fresh, informative, amusing, and in a few rare instances, shockingly crude. We know we are in a niche market providing a bridge blog like no other. We know that bridge players in the main are a sad, grumpy, miserable lot of individuals who need cheering up. Hey, when we don't win we feel the same way ourselves. But we're not prepared to let bridge grind us down into despairing and pathetic whingers.....NO....we're not the sort to take anything lying down. We are upstanding writers, prepared to make light of our wretched bridge scores, totally committed to bringing back smiling faces to all those who play the game ( as well as those who think they can ). Hour after hour, day after day, we try to dream up alternative content, using outrageous articles to either simply amuse readers....or raise serious issues in a subtle and light-hearted way.......praying of course that whoever reads this bridge-blog has a compatable sense of humour.

Naturally, we are very pleased to be getting interest from all over the world ( especially Venezuala ), with people curious enough to have " an initial look "..................but what this blog needs is a " dedicated following " . We need to know that their are hundreds of warped minds out there who really love this stuff, if only to help motivate and spur us on to produce more. So if you are a fan of this blog, we beg you to sign up as a follower........and if you're reading this Memphis Mojo Man, make sure you're the first up ( because sure as hell, we've signed up to your very entertaining and readable blog ).

Yours the irrepressible, Bigot-Johnson

( And to all those members at Sheffield Bridge Club who claimed to " love " our Newsletters...... who begged us to come back as editors....... well, howcome then, I don't see too many of your names on our list of followers.......? )

A MOST PECULIAR FACT........... ( An observation by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

I have always been amazed as to how bridge players can calculate the percentage probabilities involved assessing particular lines of play, and the chances of their success in steering home a difficult contract. They seem able to calculate the percentage probabilities regarding how a particular suit might break against them, and what the exact chances are of finding a particular card where they need it to be. So how come then....that 90% of bridge players say, with both knowledge and conviction, that they are better than the other 90%.

PUBLISHERS OF PORN RELEASE YET MORE BRIDGE BOOKS.......... ( Shocking discoveries by Pun )

• Where Would You Like To Sit, Partner ?.................Honour Commode
• Develop That Killer Instinct...................................Anna Sassin
• I'm Looking To Score Big........................................Sheila Blidge
• Bridge In Alberta...................................................Ed Monton
• Sorry Partner, I Had Too Much To Drink................Kay Lyde
• That Grandmaster Can Perform Miracles................Jim M. E. Cricket
• And So Can His Partner..........................................Gorden Bennett
• I Much Prefer To Play With Men.............................Dick Stroker
• Where Was That Grand We Missed..........................Harry Zonah
• How I Became A Bridge Heavyweight.....................Wade Moore

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG..................................................

Dear Rebecca, We're playing teams, so the over-tricks don't matter. My partner is in 4H. On a spade lead he sees in dummy: AKx....Q87....Jx......AK87x, opposite his Qx....A1098x....Ax....J9xx. Contrary to all expectations he went one off bemoaning a 4-1 heart break, and a 3-1 club break, whilst deep finesse says 12 tricks were on. Anyway, what is the safest line to take to steer this contract home. Yous still a bit miffed by his play, Ronald

Dear Ronnie, I'm a bit perplexed as to that why he failed to make a fairly straightforward contract. Initially, there appears to be 4 losers (1C, 1D and 2H ), but the diamond loser can go away on the 3rd round of spades, which will surely stand up. Given the layout of the cards, the double heart finesse restricts the heart losers to just 1. Moreover, if hearts are breaking 4-1 in one hand, the odds favour the clubs breaking 3-1 in the other ( Principle of Symmetry ) .

Nevertheless, care is needed to restrict the hearts losers to no more than 2. After 3 rounds of spades, you're over in dummy to run the 8 of hearts at trick 4. So lets look at what happens if your RHO has four to the king ( worst case scenario ). Your LHO will win with his stiff jack. No big deal. Inevitably a diamond will come flying back which you take with your Ace. Now you must play an unblocking 9 of clubs to dummy's Ace, which according to you sees your RHO play the 10 ( a singleton no doubt ). Again, no big deal. Now play the heart queen, which will pick up the king, either now or later, proceeding of course to clear hearts in the process. Then run the jack of clubs .....if it loses against a Q10 doubleton ( worst scenario ) so what....... you're bound to come home with 3C, 3H, 1D, a diamond ruff, 3S

If the hearts are breaking 4-1 off-side, then sure enough the queen will lose to the king, but on a diamond return you ruff, take out the remaining trumps, and take on the improbable club finesse. I know this means your RHO was dealt two singletons, but if successful you make 3H (including the diamond ruff ), 3S, 1D and 4C. If the 3-1 club break is the other way, the contract was always doomed. The 2-2 split of course never happens when you want it to.

But what if, at trick 2, you decide instead to lead a low heart towards dummy's 8, losing to the jack ? Back comes the diamond. So you rise with the Ace, go over to dummy's boss spades to pitch your losing diamond away, and then run the queen of hearts, picking up the king if your RHO has it, with again only a possible club to lose. If the queen loses to the off-side King to four, no doubt another diamond will come back. Again, it's a case of ruffing, clearing trumps and running the jack of clubs this time, to finesse the queen, putting all your hopes on pinning your RHO's stiff 10.

My philosophy on hands like this is simple ; if one suit behaves badly, then the other might not. If both happen to be wrong, then your score will be no different from any of the others. Yours Rebecca

BRIDGE CLUB DISCIPLINARY SUB-COMMITTEE HEARING No. 81

( Despite being only allowed back into the club on a once-a-week trial basis, Bigot-Johnson still managed to get summoned to appear before this sub-committee. This time it was to explain why he elected to psyche opening bids on every single board. Not surprisingly, several of his opponents wrote in complaining about him psyching on all 3 boards he played against them. The transcript of the hearing can be seen below. )

Chairman : Are you bigot-Johnson aware of the club's policy on psyching ?...............

B-J : Yes...I certainly am....and I as see it the club acknowledges the psyche as a legitimate bidding tactic, which can be used against experienced players.....which the Thursday bunch of whingers claim to be.

Chairman: Yes...but I would like to add that the policy goes on to say that psyches must (a) not be frivolous, (b) come as much as a surprise to partner as they will do to the opponents, and (c) not be part of any secret agreement or tacit understanding, which enables your partner to expect them... and accordingly bid with caution.

B-J ; Well.....allow me to comment on each of these particular requirements. Firstly, none of my psyches were frivolous. Each one had a sound tactical reason behind its use. Deception requires cunning, and cunning requires brains. Often by making an opening bid on a void suit ( below the suit you expect to buy the contract in ) you can shaft the opponents in so many different ways. In no trumps, the bid might inhibit the opposition to lead that suit. Whereas if you're defending a suit contract, partner will no doubt dutifully lead it.....only for you to get in an immediate and damaging ruff.

Chairman : Alright...alright, I can see the logic behind those two examples.....but what if...

B-J : .... Partner raises me ? Remember, I will always have a self-supporting suit to fall back ....of a higher rank. Moreover, should I psyche a spade, I will endeavour have either Ace doubleton, or Ace to three. Even if I'm raised in the suit, with a 4-2 or 4-3 fit, plus at least one top honour, I'm skilled enough to scramble enough tricks for a decent score. But more often than not, it will stop the opponents finding a rigid game contract in that suit.

Chairman : Hmmmm.....interesting observations......

B-J : And as to the club's policy that players should mention on their convention cards any tendency to psyche.....well, there was no need to, because until then I have never bothered to use such risky bids. It was only when I saw who I was partnering that night......a complete wooden top.....I decided there and then, that a whole new tactical approach was needed if I was ever going to win.

Chairman : But you didn't win....in fact, you came bottom on 42%

B-J : Yes....that was all down to partner.....but coming back to these policy requirements......partner could not help but be taken by surprise... he hadn't the faintest idea about what was going on....and importantly he had no bloody idea about what to do later on in the bidding. He never dreamt for one minute that I was ever likely to psyche again on the very next board.

Chairman : Surely, the mere fact you were doing it on every board, surely meant he had to expect more of the same ?

B-J : No....your logic is flawed. After the first disastrous board, my Noddy of a partner would have thought the following : " That's not like Bigot...he'll not risk another bad board with a reckless psyche". So after the a second one, he would have then thought: " What.... two in a row.....surely he not mad enough to consider doing it for a third time. Therefore, by the time we've got to board 15, his thoughts would have been on the following lines: " Surely to God, he'll not do another...no one can be that stupid ? ". Indeed, the longer the sequence ....the greater his belief it would come to an end.

Chairman : I don't see it.....

B-J: Look, let me remind you of an incident that took place at the Monte Carlo casinos. Here roulette gamblers lost vast fortunes because of a sequence of winning black numbers. Once the sequence extended ten, they were convinced that a red number would come up next, and so they were prepared to keep doubling their stakes until it did. But the sequence of black numbers continued, until they all became suicidal bankrupts. So the analogy is no different to my situation: partner became more and more convinced that the sequence of psyches had to end, because at some stage I would have to make a normal opening bid ....if only to balance things out.

Chairman : Even if all this is true, my duty as chairman is to ensure the game of bridge at this club does not fall into disrepute. I must attempt to appease the majority, who by and large dislike psyches immensely. Therefore, you are barred from using such outrageous bids..... or any other bids for that matter which constitute major deviations.....ever again. You Bigot have used up your quota for a life-time in one single event. Have you anything to say other than "bugger " ?

B-J : No...you've taken the very word right from my mouth.....

PUN'S FANTASY BRIDGE ........( A story based on an unseen film clip from the Wizard of Oz )

Dorothy Gale breezed into the games room and immediately sat herself down into the recently vacated East seat. The moment had finally arrived for the big rubber match winner-takes-all showdown. She would be partnering The Cowardly Lion in the first of 3 sixteen board sessions, and although he was renown for his timid bidding and over-cautious attitude, she was confident that they would do well. Her opponents were the brainless Scarecrow and Nick Chopper, the whisky drinking Tin Man. Each had put in $4000 into the pot, and once they had all partnered each other, the player with the highest aggregate score would be deemed the winner.

Dorothy thought sessions 1 and 2 flew by with easy contracts being bid and made by both sides. All four were still in contention, but Dorothy was narrowly in front. However, she was now to partner the Scarecrow, who was very rigid and wooden in his bidding. After four relatively poor boards, he carelessly binned a simple 4H contract on board 5. Dorothy thought to herself " This is the last straw........I've got no bloody chance.....I've blown it ! " Then on board 9 he did it again. Her opponents, who were clearly relishing these unsolicited gifts, were more than happy to see the puff taken out from her sails. But now she rallied herself ....."Gale....force the bidding a bit more, and push them into going one level too high".

Then came the penultimate board. The Scarecrow had passed without a moment's thought. The Cowardly Lion thought for a while and passed also ( all indications suggesting a poor 12 count ). Dorothy with nothing more than 8 diamonds to the queen decided to open 4C !! The Tin man who had been waiting all night for a hand like this elected to bid 5C, which resulted in a final contract of 6S ....doubled and redoubled. Scarecrow dutifully lead a small club from three, gobsmacked to see dummy coming down with AKQxx in that suit. " Goodness gracious me.....what sort of dotty 4C bid was that ?" The bid was not "dotty" at all, as evidenced by her smartly taken club ruff. Sensing the opponents were also missing an Ace, Dorothy found the heart switch for Scarecrow to top declarer's king, only to be given another priceless opportunity to ruff a second club. Plus 1000 to the good guys.

This result caused the Tin Man to really flip his lid. Drinking like a man with hollow legs, he now had the look of someone who was well and truly canned. As he made his way to the bar for another double whisky, he was clearly wobbling all over the place. Scarecrow ,oblivious to the effects of alcohol, queried whether or not he was suffering from tinnitus.

Still seething about having been done over by a psyche and threatening to kill, The Tin man eventually managed to sit down at the table to play the last board. "Have a heart " said The Cowardly Lion, " She's only a little girl. She was well within her rights to make a bid like that. Anyway, you should have doubled first with a hand like yours, and I would have left the double in. Even if she pulled it, they were at least 5 off vulnerable." These remarks really rattled The Tin man even more.

On board 16, The Cowardly Lion at last plucked up courage, and by stretching his hand somewhat, opened 2S. He tried to mimic the exuberant cavalier bidding of the players from the roaring 1920's. Playing opposite The Tin Man was completely different to the No Fear bridge he was use to back home. All the bridge lions there took pride in their respect for the feelings of others. But now, he felt stronger, braver ....a person who was prepared to take risks. Despite being labelled as a man with no balls, The Tin Man decided nerves of steel were called for, and so he had no hesitation in jumping straight to 6S, with his guaranteed four trick hand. Scarecrow, who had always played his bridge in very large fields, had sufficient nous to double this contract with his QJ109 of spades. This vulnerable and overbid slam also failed by two tricks. The good guys again enjoyed another big penalty handout.

The Tin Man was still complaining at the finish about the 4C psyche, which effectively saw Dorothy walking away with the prize money. " I'm appealing to the grand wizard to have that result scrapped......because of her disgraceful tactics." In a rare moment of inspired wit, the Scarecrow replied: " Like me, Tin Man.....you haven't a leg to stand on. Taking on Dorothy Gale over this issue would be like pissing against the wind ". And as it happened nothing more was said.........and so they all set about their journey once again along the yellow brick road.