Thursday, 25 February 2010

( Despite being only allowed back into the club on a once-a-week trial basis, Bigot-Johnson still managed to get summoned to appear before this sub-committee. This time it was to explain why he elected to psyche opening bids on every single board. Not surprisingly, several of his opponents wrote in complaining about him psyching on all 3 boards he played against them. The transcript of the hearing can be seen below. )
Chairman : Are you bigot-Johnson aware of the club's policy on psyching ?...............
B-J : Yes...I certainly am....and I as see it the club acknowledges the psyche as a legitimate bidding tactic, which can be used against experienced players.....which the Thursday bunch of whingers claim to be.
Chairman: Yes...but I would like to add that the policy goes on to say that psyches must (a) not be frivolous, (b) come as much as a surprise to partner as they will do to the opponents, and (c) not be part of any secret agreement or tacit understanding, which enables your partner to expect them... and accordingly bid with caution.
B-J ; Well.....allow me to comment on each of these particular requirements. Firstly, none of my psyches were frivolous. Each one had a sound tactical reason behind its use. Deception requires cunning, and cunning requires brains. Often by making an opening bid on a void suit ( below the suit you expect to buy the contract in ) you can shaft the opponents in so many different ways. In no trumps, the bid might inhibit the opposition to lead that suit. Whereas if you're defending a suit contract, partner will no doubt dutifully lead it.....only for you to get in an immediate and damaging ruff.
Chairman : Alright...alright, I can see the logic behind those two examples.....but what if...
B-J : .... Partner raises me ? Remember, I will always have a self-supporting suit to fall back ....of a higher rank. Moreover, should I psyche a spade, I will endeavour have either Ace doubleton, or Ace to three. Even if I'm raised in the suit, with a 4-2 or 4-3 fit, plus at least one top honour, I'm skilled enough to scramble enough tricks for a decent score. But more often than not, it will stop the opponents finding a rigid game contract in that suit.
Chairman : Hmmmm.....interesting observations......
B-J : And as to the club's policy that players should mention on their convention cards any tendency to psyche.....well, there was no need to, because until then I have never bothered to use such risky bids. It was only when I saw who I was partnering that night......a complete wooden top.....I decided there and then, that a whole new tactical approach was needed if I was ever going to win.
Chairman : But you didn't fact, you came bottom on 42%
B-J : Yes....that was all down to partner.....but coming back to these policy requirements......partner could not help but be taken by surprise... he hadn't the faintest idea about what was going on....and importantly he had no bloody idea about what to do later on in the bidding. He never dreamt for one minute that I was ever likely to psyche again on the very next board.
Chairman : Surely, the mere fact you were doing it on every board, surely meant he had to expect more of the same ?
B-J : No....your logic is flawed. After the first disastrous board, my Noddy of a partner would have thought the following : " That's not like Bigot...he'll not risk another bad board with a reckless psyche". So after the a second one, he would have then thought: " What.... two in a row.....surely he not mad enough to consider doing it for a third time. Therefore, by the time we've got to board 15, his thoughts would have been on the following lines: " Surely to God, he'll not do one can be that stupid ? ". Indeed, the longer the sequence ....the greater his belief it would come to an end.
Chairman : I don't see it.....
B-J: Look, let me remind you of an incident that took place at the Monte Carlo casinos. Here roulette gamblers lost vast fortunes because of a sequence of winning black numbers. Once the sequence extended ten, they were convinced that a red number would come up next, and so they were prepared to keep doubling their stakes until it did. But the sequence of black numbers continued, until they all became suicidal bankrupts. So the analogy is no different to my situation: partner became more and more convinced that the sequence of psyches had to end, because at some stage I would have to make a normal opening bid ....if only to balance things out.
Chairman : Even if all this is true, my duty as chairman is to ensure the game of bridge at this club does not fall into disrepute. I must attempt to appease the majority, who by and large dislike psyches immensely. Therefore, you are barred from using such outrageous bids..... or any other bids for that matter which constitute major deviations.....ever again. You Bigot have used up your quota for a life-time in one single event. Have you anything to say other than "bugger " ?
B-J :'ve taken the very word right from my mouth.....

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