Tuesday, 9 February 2010

( This startling and shocking case, yet again involving the infamous Bigot-Johnson, came up before a Crown Court judge. Unfortunate for Bigot, the judge was having trouble that day with his hemorrhoids and was hell bent on having a speedy trial. The indictment was one of assisting a suicide of a young novice bridge player, who the accused had been asked to mentor. An extract from the trial's transcript appears below. )
Judge : Bigot-Johnson....How do you plead ?
B-J : Can't say.......I haven't heard the evidence yet
Judge : Surely as an intelligent man.....you must know whether or not you are guilty. If you plead "guilty" there is no need for this trial to go on any longer than it needs to. I have piles......of other important work to get through.
However, should you plead "not guilty", then it is up to a jury ( not you ) to decide on the evidence given, whether your plea of innocence was just a sham....or perhaps in the most unlikely circumstances..... a genuine and correct statement.
B-J : .....Well, if I must....then I plead "Not Guilty"....
( The judge fidgets somewhat before letting out a stifled moan )
Prosecution Counsel : .....So I put it to you Bigot....and the court...that you did wilfully assist in your partner's tragic suicide by hanging.
( Gasps from around the courtroom )
B-J : Absolute balderdash....that man took his own life by his own accord,,,,with a cord of his own...without any help from me. I was not anywhere near that tree at the time.....and therefore I could not be in any position to offer him assistance even if I wanted to.
PC : Allow me to explain the meaning of the word "assist ". In the most obvious sense, it means providing the means by which a suicide can take place. Say for instance by handing over the poison, knife, or rope....or perhaps kindly opening the oven door, and turning on the gas, as he gently rests his head inside. But in a more subtle and indirect way you can assist a suicide, by providing someone with the motivation and inspiration to carry out such a tragic act.
B-J : ...Oh.....
PC : So let the facts be known....that you Bigot on September 22nd 2009 behaved so appallingly towards your partner, that he.....being of a delicate and sensitive disposition ( not to mention a mental disorder which bordered on manic depression and suicidal tendencies )..... left the club in a highly agitated state.....only to be found hours later swinging......from a tree.
B-J : ...Oh....
( More gasps from around the court )
PC : Hand afer hand you pointed out his mistakes in your loud booming voice for all to hear. Several times he asked you to stop...but no....you had to have your say. Your behaviour was such, it was as if you were putting the cord around his neck and pushing him off the branch.
B-J : ....Oh....
PC : Let's take the incident on hand 17, where you opened 1NT on 15-16 HCPs, and your partner held : xxxx...x...KJ1098xx...x. Under instructions, he bid 2C having a four card spade suit in an attempt to find a safe 4-4 fit. So when you bid 2H denying a 4 spades, partner's rebid of 2NT now meant a weak hand with a long minor. You were obliged to make a puppet response of 3C which he could either pass...... or convert to 3D, which is what he did. But no........you had to play the contract and bid 3NT...doubled...vulnerable.....going 5 off for minus 1400. Despite only having Qx in his suit, you rounded on him....claiming that he should have pulled the double to 4D. Would he have not assumed you had at least Ace to three in diamonds, plus two outside tricks ? Would he have not thought you knew what you were doing ? The truth is Bigot ....you chanced your arm and got punished for it. The blame rested solely on your shoulders.
( A cry " Hang the bastard " is heard from the gallery. A dejected Bigot looks up. )
B-J : .....Ooops
PC : And there's more hands I wish to tell the jury about...........
Judge : I think not...that one was proof enough. People in this courtroom are getting very uncomfortable listening to these stories of such awful behaviour. I am going to recommend to the jury that we find this man guilty right now. This will allow me to pass .......a sentence straightaway. Because I need get away, as I have really pressing engagements elsewhere. So members of the jury do you find Bigot-Johnson guilty of an assisted suicide.
Jury (in unison ) : We do.....
Judge : Well Bigot, you're going down alright.....
B-J : Well, that what I kept saying to partner each time he found himself as declarer in contracts he had clearly overbid on...
Judge : ......for up to 2 years.....
B-J: .....Bugger

No comments: