Friday, 19 February 2010

Following his recent pairs triumph whilst out on parole, Bigot was determined to wallow in glory and boast about his success. That was until Percy Pantopod read the Reuters news flash, which compelled him to bring a private prosecution against Bigot and his partner. Charges were brought against them under various sections of the Theft Act, including " obtaining property by deception" . The final part of the trial's transcript can be seen below, where Bigot as usual was defending himself.
Percy: Are you familiar with the rules of bridge, Bigot ?
B-J : Yes
Percy : Well, by Third-eye's own admission he was able to read the cards by virtue of coded pattern markings on the backs.......... because he was of course the pattern designer. This amounts to blatant cheating. And according to the rules of bridge, this unacceptable behaviour completely invalidates your score-card.
B-J : Oh dear.....
Percy : Indeed, Third-eye's cheating was in effect a form of deception, whereby he pretended to play by the rules when in fact the opposite was true. This means that by taking the trophy, you were both guilty of obtaining this valuable piece of silverware by deception. Furthermore, you your stubborn refusal to hand it back....are guilty of wrongful possession......or should I say.... handling stolen goods.
B-J : Bugger.....
Percy : Therefore, as runners-up in this competition, my wife and I declare ourselves as winners, and that the trophy is rightfully ours.
Judge : I concur with these two declarations......
B-J : Just a minute.....just a minute....You Pantopod, and your wife, followed directly behind us throughout the whole event. What's both cranked up your hearing aids so that you could listen in to all our post-hand discussions. Or else, please explain to this court the curious fact that you ended up in the same contracts as us, making the very same judgement calls, decisions and plays as Third-eye. You might call this an unbelievable set of co-incidences.....I call it cheating. The only reason we pipped you by 0.4% was that we beat you on the boards that you played first....boards you had to bid and play without any prior knowledge of the outcomes.
Percy : Damn you Bigot...
Judge : Well, I never.....this means in the light of these new startling revelations, I must award the trophy to the third placed pair.
Percy : You can't.....they're a couple of accomplished mind-readers.
Judge : Good grief ! Then the trophy must go to the couple coming fourth.
B-J : You can't....Jeremiah and Joshua Fielding are known to be telepathic twins.
Judge : This is getting ridiculous....then I award the trophy to the fifth placed pair.
Percy : You can't.....they're both experts in behavioural studies and body language communication.
Judge : That's it. I've heard enough. This bizarre and crooked world of bridge is too much for me. This ridiculous case is at an end. Give the bloody trophy way to charity.....
B-J : You can't...because Charity poor soul came last... she hoisted herself to death on her own pitchfork, having paid a vast fortune to hire a top class player of international standing to be her partner. It seems she took her 32% score very badly indeed, especially when they started out as odds-on favourites to win the event.
Judge : Someone find me a pitchfork.....

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