DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : WURRILLUS JEPHILIA

Bridge players succumb to more mental disorders, afflictions, and abnormal character traits, than any other group of individuals. The damaging impact the game of bridge can have on the human mind is immense. Bridge can turn sane men into crazies in no time at all. Bridge can transform very ordinary and rational people into irrational, highly unpredictable monsters. The disorder known as Wurrillus Jephilia has the effect of turning male players in particular into control freaks, each with an extremely possessive nature, not to mention other obsessive compulsive behaviours.

Victims with this disorder quickly resent their partners playing any of the contracts. Moreover, their partners must play to their system and instructions at all times, never being allowed to make any changes or offer input of their own.

Striving always to seize control, victims look to take over the captaincy of teams, where all members are expected to do as they are told. Any dissent or grumbles will result in automatic expulsion. If other captains come looking to "borrow" players, they inevitably are sent packing with fleas in their ears. Should partners or team-mates express a wish to play elsewhere, or with different people, the wrath of God will descend upon them.

Not surprisingly, sufferers look for partners who are unbelievably compliant and subserviant, or who foolishly believe they can perform acts of exorcism. However, once these unsuspecting partners fall into their clutches, they are trapped and then isolated from all others in the club, especially ex-partners and friends. These people in the eyes of the control freak represent a serious threat. It becomes imperative therefore to take themselves and their partners away from the club, choosing instead to join quiet, remote, rural bridge clubs. These of course are guaranteed to have only a few geriatric members on their books.....harmless strangers who are unable to offer anything in the way of meaningful competition.

The more extreme the condition, the more likely the victim is to reveal his under-lying inferiority complex. This is often hidden alongside deep-rooted feelings of inadequacy, which is at the core of his problem. It is a curious fact that sufferers are small in stature and short in hospitality. Although I pride myself on being a non-judgemental psycho-therapist, I have to confess I am do not like dealing with such clients. This is simply because I cannot overcome my own painful experience, where one wurrillus jephila tosser rail-roaded my favourite partner to quit me, and play away with him. The bastard.