BIGOT-JOHNSON LIVES THE DREAM................

( On hearing a strange clicking sound, Bigot-Johnson calmly walks up to the microphone. An audience of bridge players wait with bated breath, desperate to hear his advice and guidance on how to become one of the world's best players. )

" Well, here I stand before you....the world's greatest ever bridge player.....about to unfold the secrets of my success. Indeed, to play bridge at the highest level you must attempt the impossible ...... balancing a strong sense of discipline with both creativity and flair. Or to put it another way.... combining intuition and gut feeling with the savvy of a sewer rat.

Possessing an innate, inner wisdom is essential. Not one that comes from the grind of playing bridge week-in week-out, but one that comes as second nature. An ability to sense and foresee danger. An ability to read other players' minds, to read situations, and to read the cards. An ability to position oneself where you instinctively know the exact circumstances when it is right to bid, pass, double, raise, jump, bluff, barrage, and sacrifice.

However, what I have always been proud of is my ability to assess the relative strengths and weaknesses of every hand..... and every player....... I encounter. This skill helps me to discover which players are capable of bluffing and taking risks, and which players I can bluff and take risks against. Bridge psychology can be equally as important as card sense. One must have a feel for knowing the odds, the percentages, spotting the opponents' tells, and whether or not cheating is taking place. It's not about just using your eyes and eyes.......it is also about using your nose to sniff out those thin games, slams..... those damn elusive queens..... and all those situations where something is clearly amiss.

Good practice requires one to review problem hands, where the analysis includes not only the way in which they were actually played, but the way they might have been played in different circumstances. Yes, even the slightest change in the circumstances might well require a change of plan or direction, where alternative decisions and choices need to considered and then acted upon. If a gamble has to be taken, then never do so blind. Class players only gamble when the odds are clearly in their favour : when only win-win situations can be envisaged.

What is for certain is that all great players possess an ability to maintain the highest levels of concentration over long periods of time. To sustain that high thin edge of concentration takes supreme mental effort and stamina, none of which should ever be wasted on incorrect, flawed or laboured analysis. Mental processes need to be razor sharp, accurate and precise. Minds therefore need to be like perpetual motion clocks : exquisite examples of quiet perfect efficiency, where breakdown are impossible given the reality of zero friction.

To master bridge you also need to develop a relaxed table presence, quietly but methodically absorbing every little thing that adds to the overall knowledge about the hand in question. Often it is the small details that tell the biggest story. Yes, we all need to focus on what has been bid and played, but we must also focus on the bids that weren't made, or the suits and/or cards that weren't played. This process is a long, patience-sapping discipline, but one which acts as the essential bonding agent........welding together all the other essential skills into a single highly explosive talent. The concept of synergy being present for all to see.

One quality that we should all strive to possess is never allowing smart-arse dick-heads to psyche us out, or to upset our equilibrium. I pride myself on possessing no such psychological weakness. My focus is only to pay attention to the bidding and play, and not the low-level cheating attempts of table louts desperately trying to distract me with their sabre-rattling gestures and comments.

So finally, I have left to wonder that whether on not I have a human brain, in that part of my mental make-up involves arriving at decisions, where the processing of information by-passes the normal circuits of logic and reasoning. These decisions arrive either by unexplained insights and visions, or by a combination of abstract logic and lateral thinking............................"

( Just then Dr. John steps forward and clicks his fingers, whereupon Bigot immediately sinks back into a deep trance. Moving the microphone nearer to his mouth, Dr. John addresses his spell bound audience. )

" Well, there you have it ladies and gentleman .....and a truly wonderful example of the awesome power of hypnotic suggestion. Behold....for on the next click of my fingers this poor wretched man will return to being nothing more than a mundane, frustrated, rank bad club player, who has simply turned up at the annual Walnut Tree Allotment BC 's Christmas cabaret party. Thankfully, he have no recall of what has happened to him here on this stage, and he will never know that for 3 minutes of his life he actually lived his dream........."

ULTIMATE BRIDGE : PROF GETS HIS FIRST E-MAIL

Dear Prof,

This ultimate bridge idea of yours could turn this beautiful and sacred game into something more akin to poker. Second guessing what your opponents are likely to bid becomes an essential part of the game. Moreover, with each defender seeing what's in dummy and knowing what cards they hold, reading declarer's hand becomes a tad bit easier. This of course makes it doubly hard for declarer to succeed.

Mind you, the bidding aspect of the game becomes a real fine art of combining sharp analysis with tactical cunning. Why just the other day I figured I had 10 tricks in no trumps, but foolishly elected to bid 3.....and because my opponents cleverly bid the same, I was dumped with a zero score for a scrubbed board. Why the hell I didn't bid 4NT I'll never know. But later on I wised up big time. With a combined 36 count , 7NT looked a racing certainty. More rigid than a donkey's dick on viagra. However, I figured the oppo might try to sabotage my score by bidding the same contract, and so I opted to bid 6D instead. Bingo!! The silly buggers had infact bid 6NT only to find themselves doubled for 12 off, giving us a galactic top. Such joy...such bliss.

So yes, ultimate bridge is one helluva game but don't be surprised if it never catches on. This is a game.... not for the faint-hearted..... and certainly not for the feeble'minded. It's a game for talented bridge players who like to gamble and live on the edge.

Yours always looking to shaft opponents good and proper ,

Willie Hardman

ULTIMATE BRIDGE : TAKING THE GAME INTO A WHOLE NEW DIMENSION...... ( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

Without doubt bridge needs to develop if it is to become a more challenging, demanding and exciting game, and what I am proposing here might well be the answer.

Rules for ultimate bridge :

1. Each board will indicate which player from each direction is nominated to make his/her side's one and only bid.
2. North/ south will first look at their own hand, before looking at their partner's ( east/west doing likewise ) within the permitted 2 minute time period.
3. The nominated bidders must then place face down on the table their chosen bid, before the two bidding cards are turned over simultaneously.
4. The side that wins the auction with the highest bid must then play in that designated contract.
5. However, the nominated player of the defending side must now nominate which of them is to make the opening lead, meaning that it is the player in the 4th seat who gets to be declarer.
6. In the rare event that both sides bid the same contract, the cards are returned to the board as " not played " , which results in a pass-out score.
7. Defenders are not obliged to reveal their signalling methods.

The beauty therefore about ultimate bridge is that there is no need whatsoever for system cards and/or convoluted bidding sequences. Bidding conventions are redundant. Moreover, it is the primary function of the nominated bidders to assess what bid to volunteer, given their recall of the 26 cards previously on view. The gambling element is also present if, say, the side with little in the way of high card points, clearly aware that a small slam in no trumps is on for the opponents, take the dangerous step of bidding that contract for themselves...... hoping of course for a " scrubbed " board. Because if they win the auction, the inevitable double will be very costly indeed. The nominated player for the defence is now well placed with his knowledge of the two hands to seize the initiative, chosing where the opening lead is to come from, and both defenders might well know when and where to switch in order to mazimise their trick potential. Accurate recall of key cards, shape and distribution is of paramount importance.

• Once the opening lead has been made, the onus immediately switches to the other defender to use this one and only opportunity to double the contract for penalties.
• If the contract has been doubled at trick one, then declarer has the option at any time during the play to redouble, if fortune looks to be turning back in his/her favour.

Players who decide to take on ultimate bridge will need to assimulate more information in less time. Bidding needs to be done with pin point accuracy, taking into account the defenders greatly improved knowledge of their combined assets and strengths. Sacrifice bidding might well be a tactic regularly employed, but the risks are that much greater with regards to confident doubles, and the likelihood of accurate and sharp defence.

This is bridge at the cutting edge, requiring players to develop their memory and analytical skills to even higher levels. Speed of thought is essential along with real tactcal nous.

This is Bigot-Johnson's Brave New Bizarre World of Bridge. So please give it a try and publish your comments, adding any refinements and/or changes where appropriate.

BRIDGE BLOGGING.......... ( Article by Bridgemeister Gibson )

As I see it, there are at least 7 types of bridge bloggers. Those who want to ....

- tell stories focusing on their own trials and tribulations

- report on, and review, big hands, big performers and big matches

- discuss problem hands ( real or imaginary ) with regards to bidding, defence and declarer play scenarios

- advocate or review new conventions, signalling methods and complex squeeze plays

- reminisce about the great old days, the colourful characters they encountered, with fascinating and amusing anecdotes

- raise serious and/or controversial issues, hoping to open up both useful discussion and debate

- satirise the absurdities, contradictions, hypocrisies and stereo-type characters which many players still fail to recognise

However, with respect to the last two categories of blog writers, who I might add are in a real minority, they need specials qualities. Firstly, they have to bold and brave, being quite aware that they might upset and offend quite a few people in the process. Secondly, they have to make sure their factual content is based on truth, and their opinions based on sound analysis and argument, especially if they are to convince a sceptical readership. Thirdly, they have to be risk-takers by entering into uncharted territories where few have gone before........knowing that navigational mistakes are always a distinct possibility.

As I belong to Bigot-Johnson's team of blog writers, I have found it necessary to come up with a code of conduct to protect my precarious position :

1. Avoid quoting facts which you can not substantiate or support

2. When giving opinions, no matter how extreme, try to ensure that they are (i) not motivated by malice , (ii )based on fair comment, being genuine and honest views

3. Never get too personal, choosing instead to keep individuals and groups unidentified and unnamed whenever it seems prudent to do so. Any resemblances made should be restricted to a small group of readers who are already in the know, and very much aware of your tongue-in-cheek approach......and who most likely share the same points of view

4. Avoid being completely one-sided with your opinions, looking to give a more balanced overview wherever possible. In every contentious and controversial issue, there are always different schools of thought, and different ways of looking at, and resolving problems.

5. Accept the reality regarding the laws of probability in that mistakes might well be made, and that certain lines may have been crossed. In such circumstances, corrections and apologies will need to humbly made.

6. Endeavour to stick to the principles you initially adopted to apply in your writing , remaining true to all of them as best you can.

7. Beware of those who make comments contravening the above rules 1-6 .

Contradictions will expose you as someone guilty of both double-standards and hypocrisy....in other words a fraud.

The Howard Bigot-Johnson blog is certainly one that has attempted to push the boundaries of bridge literature into new areas. These initiatives involve over-lapping bridge topics into other academic disciplines such as law, psychology and philosophy. Moreover, some of the posts try to move bridge into the theatres of the absurd, where humour and surrealism dominate. The whole blog attempts to get readers to see bridge in a completely different light....even if most of the content comes across as dark.

Indeed, Howard Bigot-Johnson tries to be the Wolynski of the bridge world, desperate to mould himself in the image of America's finest blogger.

BC SUB-COMMITTEE DISCIPLINARY HEARING No.141..........

( As usual Bigot-Johnson was in trouble again having upset his female partner on the way back from a bridge match way up north. A short extract from the hearing's transcript appears below. )

Chairman : We have summoned you here today to respond to a complaint from Ms. X, who claims that she agreed to be your partner in the Portland Mixed Pairs final held at Harrogate last month on condition you did the driving.

B-J : Correct.....

Chairman : She also claims that on the way back you pulled into a pub restaurant near Leeds , whereupon you ordered a slap up meal with wine to celebrate your top four finish.

B-J : Correct......

Chairman : But was it not the case that during the meal you consumed a glass of wine with your pinkie sticking out ?

B-J : Chairman.....please........ let's get real here.......there can hardly be anything wrong with that ! In some circles it is regarded as the height of good manners to drink wine with your little finger sticking out ......

Chairman : Who said anything about your little finger ? ...........

BIGOT'S COURT APPEARANCE MAKES LOCAL NEWS ...... ( An abridged report taken from the Bawtry Farmers' Gazette )

Bigot-Johnson, a regular player at the Walnut Tree Allotment BC, appeared before Doncaster Crown Court charged with causing grievous bodily harm ( with intent ) to Percy Pantopod, a fellow club member. Just before the judge directed the jury to go away and return a verdict, he turned to Bigot to ask if he had any final words to say to the court.

Bigot, who had elected to conduct his own defence, stood up and replied : " M'Lud....may I just bring to the court's attention once again, that what I did to Percy was out of chivalry and good manners. Since when was it a crime to open a door to help him pass through ? "

The judge looked long and hard at Bigot before pointing out a critical observation. " I'm not disputing the fact you opened the door for Percy to make his timely exit, but I think you are overlooking the fact that the car you were travelling in was doing 70 mph at the time....."

Not surprisingly Bigot was found guilty. only to be given a 180 hour community service order to teach bridge to delinquent kids banged up in a nearby remand centre.

LATEST BRIDGE BOOKS TO HIT THE SHOPS....... ( Research By Pun )

• Never Never Pull My Penalty Doubles, Partner.......Noah Count
• Please Don't Bury Me With All Your Conventions ....Ava Lanche
• The Easy Way To Read Opponents' Cards.................Lee N. Wellover
• Why Is It Always My Neck On The Block..................Gill O' Teen
• He Retired From Bridge As Junior World Champion...Sasha Waist
• Just Because I Called Him A Cheat..........................Enoch Mee-Downe
• That Man Abuses All The Lady Members.................Ray Pennybody
• She's His Favourite Partner Alright But....................Woody Poker
• I've Had A Shocking Week Of Dismal Results............Gladys Friday
• I Could Play 60 Hands A Day...................................Anne Moore

ARE TOURNAMENT DIRECTORS BIASED ?.......... ( Research By Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

No more than any other man or woman so it seems, since we all possess an inclination to present or hold a partial perspective at the expense of ( possibly equally valid ) alternatives.

Inherent biases lie deep within our psyches constantly undermining the way we perceive things, process our thoughts and reach conclusions. Indeed, this form of cognitive bias is the inevitable outcome of human thought, an unfortunate trait of the human condition. This tendency compels us to make systematic errors in certain circumstances, where cognitive factors, rather than evidence, dictate the way information is processed. Heuristics is the science which attempts to examine where this information process encounters either short-cuts or short-circuits.

To malign tournament directors as " biased " is nothing more than bias itself, with a huge dollop of hypocrisy thrown in for good measure. Because one indisputable truth exists: it is impossible for anyone to eliminate bias and other reasoning errors from their decision making process.

For TDs , and the rest of us, this tendency to think and act in a biased way has been nurtured from the day we were born. The tragedy is however is that we all fail to recognise this failing, because it is so implicit. It exists outside our conscious minds, beyond our awareness. It is the product of culture and life experiences. Which family members and friends we attached ourselves to most ? What values sets we were exposed to and aspirations we were encouraged to adopt ? However, some of us may have been brought up in a diverse world, which created the best chance of all to eliminate the influences of a single and corrupting cultural bias.

In the cut and thrust world of tournament bridge, bias will raise its head in one of several ways:

- Observational bias....where there is a tendency to look at something from just one particular point of view

- Confirmation bias .... where the only observation accepted is the one which conforms to the observers pre-selected expectations and desires

" Cargo-cult science " bias.....which directs the individual to interpret information to support his/her favourite hypothesis

- Processing bias - which involves people using selective data only to justify and/or draw their preferred conclusions

This means that in the heated arenas of bridge tournaments, where table conflicts run rife, tempers frayed, and claims met with counter-claims, even the merest hint of bias from the TD will exacerbate these difficult situations even more. TD's are on a hiding to nothing. Their only hope of escaping accusations of bias requires them to adopt and follow these simple rules ( as advocated by the American FBI to their investigating officers ) :

1. Remain open minded

2. Stay open to different viewpoints, interpretations, and possible solutions

3. Avoid the tendency to decide on a course of action..... and then search selectively for confirming data to support that decision

4. Examine the available and relevant evidence objectively, before making any decision

5. Avoid judging any book by its cover

6. Don't presume or imagine that the individual under scrutiny is a villain or a threat

7. Don't allow emotions such as anger, guilt and fear to impair common sense and good judgement

8. Be prepared to stand corrected, and seek out second opinions where necessary

In other words TDs need to take on the role of disinterested outsiders. This means also trying to pre-empt what questions they would ask, what information they would seek, and what assumptions they would adopt at the start ?

I'm sure that out there in the world of bridge there are many knowledgeable TDs, who strive to give both book and judgement rulings with as much impartiality and objectivity as they possibly can. Nevertheless the complete elimination of bias, as all philosophers, commentators and psychologists will confirm, is impossible.

We as players have to accept the reality of the human condition, live with whatever rulings we get, and move onto the next board.

QUESTION : DO BRIDGE

PLAYERS SLEEP AT

NIGHT ?

....

....

....

ANSWER : NOT WHEN

THEY REALISE THAT

SLAMS MISSED WERE

THERE TO BE BID AND

MADE !!!

PHILOSOPHICAL REFLECTIONS ON BRIDGE..... ( By Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

As bridge players we all have an inner compass that directs us to go about the play of a hand in a particular way. For the majority of us this inner compass is always out of sync , but thankfully it can be corrected by every book we read, and every outside mind that shows us a better way to bid and play the cards. However, once we stop absorbing and listening to good advice, the oscillation gradually dies down, and the needle returns to its old orientation. This is an inherent trait of the human condition : retreating back to our old wayward habits.

The harsh reality is that one can only absorb so much, and take on board the wisdom of others. Saturation thresholds are quickly reached, and from this new static position we then venture out, far less certain and confident of our bearings. As a result we inevitably wind our way back to the comfort zones of familar territory , where once again our inadequate inner compass regains control .

BUFFETT CUP HAND POSES NO PROBLEMS FOR JOHNNY................

The other day I gave Johnny Supremo a slam hand reported to have been bid and been made at all the tables.

I told Johnny that as South, he would be looking at Q84....J4......AKQJ954......J, while his partner held A1062....AK....10732.....A106. Not surprisingly, all these top class pairs reached 6D, despite West coming in at the start with a take-out double of South's 1D opening bid. So how should the hand be played after West kicks off with the king of clubs as his opening lead ? Here is Johnny's answer :

" Well, West surely to God for his bid must have most if not all of the outstanding points. One option is to take the trick in dummy with the Ace and ruff a club with jack of diamonds, cross to dummy's 10 of diamonds, and ruff the last club with the queen. If there's an outstanding diamond, I would clear that before eliminating hearts and coming back to hand with another diamond. All that is needed now is to find West with king/jack of spades and it's all over, by simply leading up to dummy's 10 of spades.

However, a simple throw in will also work. Take the club Ace, ruff dummy's club 6 , and draw 2 rounds of trumps. After that play the Ace/king of hearts to clear the suit, and then exit with dummy's 10 of clubs ( pitching a spade ) putting West on lead. He of course is totally fixed, unable to play a club or heart for fear of a ruff and a second spade discard. So his best bet is to play a spade and pray. No chance there with declarer happily making his twelfth trick with the spade queen. This is the near certain line I would take. "

So I asked the great man " Are there any other lines that could be taken ".

" Yes ", he said " If you like to play with real style, finesse and aplomb. A squeeze looks certainly well on, if West holds all these key black cards. All one needs to do is a duck on the king of clubs, in order to rectify the count. From this point on West is fixed again. He will certainly switch to a safe heart, enabling declarer to rattle off the next 9 tricks : club Ace, 2 top hearts, and 6 diamonds. West of course will now come down to KJ of spades and the King of clubs. Dummy will sitting on the A10 of spades and the club 10. So with Q8 of spades in hand and me to play my last diamond, West might just as well go out the room at shoot himself, for he has no reply. So tell me..... did anyone choose this line of play ? "

" Only one...I believe.....a Canadian-American by the name of Fred Gitelman..... ".

Johnny just smiled.............

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED.............

• Balance : something you find hard to do after one too many doubles
• Isolated menace : a term Bigot-Johnson once coined after locking up the irritant, Percy Pantopod, in the club's downstairs sound-proofed wine cellar
• Safety play : the process of taking all necessary precautions against (i) king-size cock ups, (ii) careless slips, and (iii) getting into trouble
• Spread : what hungry inter-city team players wish for but never get, when the half-time tea interval only provides a limited number of small cheese sandwiches and sausage rolls
• Trick light : one that can be switched on and off by the click of one's fingers
• Three down : a term used by those looking to remove undesirables from the club. Often the statement is completed by "....... two to go ".
• Onosecond : the minuscule fraction of time it takes you to realize you've just played the wrong card. This type of calamitous mistake is always accompanied by the words " Oh no ......."
• Handicap teams : a competition where every top seeded team is required to field at least one complete idiot in their line up

PHILOSOPHICAL REFLECTIONS ON BRIDGE..... ( By Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

In this bizarre world of bridge, I have seen many men who have a good deal of the dog or the fox, the bull or the snake about them, yet rarely do they achieve anything in the way of success despite being blessed with these special qualities. Indeed, it is equally rare for them to accept defeat with human dignity and grace given their lycanthropic characteristics. However, there are some players who excel at the game, forever displaying faces enriched with smug satisfaction, which so often comes from repeated success. These fortunate few owe much of their sucesss to the fact they are only possessed by the fox..... and the snake.......and nothing else.

WOLYNSKI'S VIEW ON BLOGGING.......( By bridgemeister Gibson )

" Sometimes I have to stop and think why I blog - it's not like hundreds of thousands will ever flock to my little shack in the cyberspace universe. I suppose I use it as a scrapbook for my thoughts - but why even make my thoughts public ? There's no money in it, can't lead to anything. Blogging is for blow-hards with nothing better to do. "

Well, to a large extent I agree with her, but if blogs live on long after our deaths, then I'm comforted by the thought that our spirits and thoughts hang around for a bit longer........... for future generations to reflect on, and perhaps be amused by. Humour is a wonderful thing. It can take away a negative mood or feeling if only for a few fleeting seconds. But in a world where joy and happiness are being squeezed away by the crushing vice of stress and chaos, then those fleeting seconds of amusement provide a much welcome respite. Far too many bridge players allow their beloved game to make them miserable rather than contented and cheerful .

BRIDGE BOOKS TO TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY............. ( Gasps Pun )

• Partner, Why Overdo The Facial Expressions ?...........Jemima Lott
• Her Best Bridge Days Are Long Gone..........................Diane Duck
• There Are People In This Club Out To Get Me..............Ken Iving
• If You're Out Of Your Depth, Cry For Help...................Aaron C. Reskew
• He Rarely Gives Anything Away.................................Titus Canby
• Howe I Make My Money As A Pro...............................Selma Bodie
• Scottish Bridge Players Tend To Mess Around.............Fanny A. Boot
• Bridge Reporting At Its Worst.................................Tobias Coveridge
• Looking Out For Easy Tricks........................................Dick Everard
• Catty Players Don't Bother Me.....................................Leon Taymer

LAW REPORT : WALNUT TREE ALLOTMENT BC V. THE CARDINALS BC ( 2010 )

( This most unusual case came up before a High Court judge, after an appeal was lodged by the plaintiffs who had failed in their initial attempt to secure a County Court injunction. The pursuit of this injunction was to stop the Cardinals from setting up a separate invitation-only bridge club, which would then target members of the Walnut Tree Allotment BC as paying customers. In addition, damages were sought on behalf of the plaintiffs to compensate any loss of revenue from reduced table money if any of their members had elected to play away. The judgement given can be seen below . )

" Several questions need to be addressed. For instance, is it a cardinal sin for WTABC members to set up a rival bridge club competing for the same custom ? Does this action warrant the court's intervention ? Moreover, is there a conflict of interests, when the WTABC secretary also happens to one of the holy trinity of proprietors ? And finally, would a once a month night of bridge have any detrimental effect on the Walnut Tree revenues on evenings where players exercised their choice over these two alternative venues ?

So although I find bridge club disputes very petty, tedious and tiresome, I have given these questions a great deal of thought and consideration.

Firstly, I do not see within the club's constitution any reference to a restriction whereby members must desist from any activity that could be viewed as a conflict of interests. The whinging plaintiffs need to recognise that we live in a free society which welcomes and embraces freedom of association and congregation. It is not uncommon to see break-away splinter groups forming new bridge clubs, or new ones just appearing on the scene to fill gaps in the market. Each club no doubt offers welcome alternatives and options for bridge playing enthusiasts. Moreover, it is not uncommon to see some players actively looking to join several clubs in order to provide themselves with unlimited options and choices. To thwart the Cardinals' honorable intentions by way of a tacky and ill-considered injunction would be an abuse of the legal system.

The next issue , I agree , is a little more contentious in that the Secretary does have a foot in both camps. But is there a real and genuine conflict of interests ? Does her role in one organisation undermine her standing and role in another ? Does her support and enthusiasm to promote an alternative monthly venue undermine her commitment, work rate, and dedication, as club secretary, to act in the best interests of her home club ? I think not. The two entities are not strictly in competition with each other. From any reasonable perspective, the two clubs are much more akin to an amalgamation and merger. Her combined commitment and energy to see both clubs enjoying success is to be commended, not doubted. She is a saint.

Looking at the reality of the situation, the CBC intends to operate only on one Friday in the month. It's sole focus is on fun, food, and friendly bridge. The 3 "F's ". The evidence is clear that with food included the Cardinals offer a unique experience which is not available at the Walnut Tree . This all inclusive bridge experience is exclusive to them. It fills a gap in the market providing Walnut Tree members and other invitees with that special party experience. In my view, there's no risk whatsoever that this alternative venue will diminish membership numbers at the Walnut Tree : in fact the opposite may be true. By providing a good experience for all those that turn up, rave word-of-mouth reviews might encourage invitees to become members of both clubs or to play more at both clubs on a regular basis . Far from there being a conflict of interests. it is far more likely that mutually beneficial interests will be created. Naturally, when a private club is restricted anyway to hiring rooms with a limit of 12 tables, an invitation only arrangement is both sensible and appropriate, if only to guarantee that perfect blend of social harmony and bonhomie. Because let's face it, it makes sense for each and every bridge club to exercise their right to keep the riff raff away.

As to the question of whether the Walnut Tree has suffered financially, whenever the Cardinals have a do, there may be an argument that supports that view. This, however, solely depends on how many of the invitees who elected to go the Cardinals are regular attenders of the Walnut Tree. I suspect the numbers are a very few indeed. Moreover, given the fact a large group of players belong to other clubs demonstrates the fact that people like to have alternative choices. Just because I am a M&S credit card club member doesn't mean I can't shop at Sainsbury's.

So having been invited along with my wife to the next Cardinals' do, which I might add we are both really looking forward to, I have no hesitation in dismissing this appeal.

A POEM BY DR. SIGMUND T. SCHUKELGRUBER........ ( Entitled " The Bridge Blog Reader's Lament " )

There's so much out there

Too much to choose

Time is so precious

There's no time to lose

So if I'll read one today

And leave the rest for others

I can binge on Sunday

If I'm not at my mothers

But as for the bloggers

How do they keep going ?

Is their stuff read by many ?

There's no way of knowing

Yes I have a few favourites

They're all friends of mine

To ignore them for others

Means crossing that line

But there is one exception

A blog so bizarrre

A Bigot-Johnson creation

A new cyberspace star

His take on the bridge world

Is cutting and sharp

I love all of his characters

Especially Carp

Yet if I read all his posts

It would take me a year

But staying glued to a screen

Is my innermost fear

Yes, I need to break free

And to quit reading blogs

Because as a bridge junkie

My life's gone to the dogs

I need lots of new challenges

To live life to the full

To converse with real people

No matter how dull

With places to visit

There's lots to choose

But time is against me

So no time to lose

HOW TO WRITE A SATIRICAL BRIDGE BLOG..... ( By Carp )

Satire and lampoon is the ridicule or derision of particular vices or idiosyncrasies found in the allegedly bizarre world you wish to explore. The purpose of course is to create irony and humour, with the intent of bringing about shame and/or change of behaviour with regards to those guilty of wrongdoing. Although satire can be seen as cruel it can still serve its purpose by employing a strong sense of wit. So what are the requirements or steps to follow, in order to put together a good satirical article ?

1. Find a topic that makes your blood boil. Ideally, the topic should be naturally ironic or ridiculous, where it becomes easy to identify any absurdity, hypocrisy and contradiction that exists.
2. If it involves an individual find a quote or an action which exposes this person in a light befitting the evidence presented. Moreover, if the silly bugger has shot him/herself in the foot, or has displayed hypocrisy that almost beggars belief, then go for the jugular.
3. If necessary put words into the person's mouth for best results, by starting off with a direct quote but taking it forward in a completely new direction. Adding a few extra words to create a more comical effect is a standard but cunning ploy.
4. If an incident involves several individuals, then you are well placed to create a more complex piece of satire. By adding a few more fictional characters to the plot, you can add more colour and drama to your observations which readers will find extremely amusing.
5. Always broaden your range of attack, which means course many more people becoming legitmate targets.
6. But satire is best achieved if you can adopt a literary style which readers will respect and appreciate.
7. Avoid " actionable malice " in your satire if you want to avoid any legal actions against you for defamation. Never name names, keep everything fairly anonymous, and use make-believe characters wherever possible.......but keep enough resemblance for your readers to understand exactly where you are coming from. However you must remember, the primary focus of any satirist is to amuse and entertain readers, as opposed to just slagging off institutions and people you dislike.
8. Always use hyperbole, since an exaggeration of a truth can hardly be a lie. Hyperbole is a clever literary device that exaggerates facts within the boundaries of acceptability. Sometimes it is necessary to highlight the facts in such a way that the absurdity you wish to expose becomes blatantly obvious.
9. Attempt to use irony to help you tell a story, since clearer messages can often be made by using words and phrases which suggest the exact opposite of what you really mean to say . There is nothing wrong in using sarcasm to criticise or condemn wrongful behaviour..... and injustice.
10. Humour is fine, but not all satire has to be funny. Occasionally, you will need to point out the ridiculous elements of a situation ( or person ) with a hard-hitting and shocking truth. Ceratain facts may need to be brought out into the open, to bring people over to your way of thinking or to make a point in a quicker and more obvious way. Often satire is the only way to get readers to see the absurdity of a situation, which would otherwise elude them.