YET ANOTHER PHILOSOPHICAL REFLECTION ON BRIDGE......

The problem most mortal bridge players face is that when they encounter far superior opponents, they have no defensive weapons against the barrage attack based on cleverness, cunning, smart thinking and highly developed bidding techniques. Moreover they have much less in the way of offensive weapons to initiate any retaliatory responses and counter-attacks. Any impartial observer would be mortified by the blind faith they have in the capability of their pea-shooters to knock-out the opponents' 40 tonne armour-plated tanks. With this amazingly naive view of their own alarming vulnerability and fragileness, I now understand where the phrase " lambs to the slaughter " comes from.

ANOTHER PHILOSOPHICAL REFLECTION ON BRIDGE.................... ( By Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

The love of bridge is an astonishing thing. It is an addiction which is not the result of pleasure-inducing drugs or substances being pumped into your system, but the consequence of repeated highs one inevitably experiences throughout a session at the tables. Surely, there can not be a better mental challenge to be found in this fast developing world of mind sports. Bridge can deliver everything that culture, entertainment and romance can ....and more. It can constantly and unerringly pump the body with so much adrenalin that players seem to bask in a kind of euphoria never likely to be experienced elsewhere. Yet there is never any collateral damage to the body and mind.

Bridge is an addiction which players have come to love, embrace and be astonished by. The game has an abstract beauty that transcends everything else, even the great works of art. It is the recluse of intellectual pleasure seekers, who want a foretaste on earth as to what might await them in paradise.

PHILOSOPHICAL REFLECTIONS ON BRIDGE................. ( By Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

The dignity of any bridge player stands or falls on his ability to set himself goals in the realms of the unattainable. When the experience of failure is repeated he remains quiet, composed and determined to try again. After the experience of success, he considers himself to be no different from others, except for the fact that destiny and luck had much to do with his change of fortune.

............................

What makes bridge so strange and fascinating is not that we are forever facing new, unfamiliar hands and opponents, but that we as players often behave like complete strangers with partners we know so well. The problem of communication breakdown always occurs when the lack of familiarity with awkward and unusual hands causes great astonishment and perplexity. In such instances we seem to lose the ability to make even the most obvious and sensible decisions.

...........................

Patience is the most difficult thing of all to hold onto, and yet it is the only thing that is worth learning. Bridge players, more than any other group of competitors, need to exercise extreme patience, such are the endless and frustrating demands of the game. The problems and difficulties posed by over-optimistic hopes and expectations, devil-dealt hands, sniping opponents, hopeless and inept partners, plus unsympathetic TDs test one's patience to the absolute limit......and beyond. Bridge requires a kind of patience, where time is needed to think before acting, and to reflect on those actions afterwards. But the nature of the game puts such time in very short supply.

But placing too much faith in partner, when we know of his/her frailties and failings, will always undermine our ability to act in a patient and sympathetic way. Patience needs to built on foundation stones hewn from rock face of realism and wisdom. Then a solid structure can be erected on these stones from the experience of previous disasters and defeat. These are the challenges which we as individuals must rise above, resisting the urge of the human condition to throw tantrums, to have histrionic outbursts, and to release bucket loads of negative energy and feelings.

Sadly, when the only desire of players is to win at all costs, the first cost to be incurred is their patience. This of course will always " fly out " of the window by the end of board one ...... leaving them to simply " fly off " the handle on each and every subsequent mishap.

" I would like you to stick your neck out..... like you do with your bidding......"

LAW REPORT : R v. BIGOT-JOHNSON ( 2010 )

( Bigot-Johnson was making front page headline news again in the Bawtry Gazette, when having been accused of racial discrimination by his female bridge partner, the Crown prosecution Service decided to charge him with offences under the Race Relations Act. Bigot, who had by now become very accustomed to court room practices and procedures, decided yet again elect to defend himself. An extract from the trial's transcript appears below .)

Prosecutor : Is it not the case Bigot, that your own own club committee upheld a complaint from a lady member concerning several racial slurs you made about her nationality and ethnic origins....all of which were made during a bridge game on April 17th 2010 ?

B-J: I don't recall making any such slurs......

P : Allow me to remind you ............there was one instance where you referred to her as a " darkie "

B-J : No.....I did not......I merely asked if the object I had found on the floor by her feet was her " door key "

P : And what about these words, which you whispered across to her that evening : " I hate niggers ! "

B-J : No....no...she got it all wrong .....I said to her : " I hate enigmas "

P : And then there was your remark about " give me the Black Bottom any day "

B-J : Well....that remark was in reply to her waxing lyrical about the Charleston......

P : You sir are despicable.....and I'm sure the jurors do not believe a word you say. Indeed, throughout the whole duplicate game you made countless Afro-Caribbean references by constantly using the word " black " . Examples include black suits, blackout, blackberries, blackwood, faces as black as thunder, black sheep and so on....................And don't let's forgot the numerous times you asked about her spade holding.......

B-J : But many of these are bridge related terms, and the others are commonly used idioms in everyday speech

P : That is as may be.....but you used them in such a way as to convey sinister and racist undertones. This is evidenced by your contrasting use of " white " references, where you described yourself as a white knight, having gone as " white as a sheet ", and a teller of little " white lies ".

B-J : Hold on a mo...this is all conjecture and mere speculation. This evidence you have seems very grey to me.....

P : Well, from my point of view....it is all black and white ( laughter echoes around the courtroom )

B-J : So let's me get this straight. If I partner then an American Indian .....or a Russian......I can never use the word "red " , or any words that have red connotations ?

P : Correct.....

B-J : And if my partner comes from the planet Mars I mustn't make any " green " references whatsoever for fear of causing racial offence ?

P : Correct.....

B-J : Well, I can assure you that I never consciously intended to make any detrimental racist remarks or innuendos whatsoever .....

P : Ah yes, but in your sub-conscious your racist attitudes lurk with intent, occasionally forcing their way through into your conscious thoughts, speech and writing....

B-J : Upon my soul....you could be right.....but if that is the case then you are prosecuting the wrong person. You should be bringing charges against my inner self.

Judge : This would be utterly preposterous.....that would be like bringing charges against an invisible man! And I'm not having that !

B-J : What .....are you discriminating against my inner self because of his invisibility ?

Judge : Oops....I think you've got me there, Bigot. Hell, I'm stopping this trial right now before I embarrass myself even more.....This case is dismissed

P : On what grounds ?.........

Judge : That all allegations of discrimination are acts of discrimination in themselves. Hypocrisy appears to be rife in this court. Anyway I'm off..... I've got tickets for tonight's Black and White Minstrel Show. ....Good day to you all...

B-J : Well, I'll be buggered.....

Judge : Not by me ......you puff.....

BIGOT-JOHNSON LIVES THE DREAM................

( On hearing a strange clicking sound, Bigot-Johnson calmly walks up to the microphone. An audience of bridge players wait with bated breath, desperate to hear his advice and guidance on how to become one of the world's best players. )

" Well, here I stand before you....the world's greatest ever bridge player.....about to unfold the secrets of my success. Indeed, to play bridge at the highest level you must attempt the impossible ...... balancing a strong sense of discipline with both creativity and flair. Or to put it another way.... combining intuition and gut feeling with the savvy of a sewer rat.

Possessing an innate, inner wisdom is essential. Not one that comes from the grind of playing bridge week-in week-out, but one that comes as second nature. An ability to sense and foresee danger. An ability to read other players' minds, to read situations, and to read the cards. An ability to position oneself where you instinctively know the exact circumstances when it is right to bid, pass, double, raise, jump, bluff, barrage, and sacrifice.

However, what I have always been proud of is my ability to assess the relative strengths and weaknesses of every hand..... and every player....... I encounter. This skill helps me to discover which players are capable of bluffing and taking risks, and which players I can bluff and take risks against. Bridge psychology can be equally as important as card sense. One must have a feel for knowing the odds, the percentages, spotting the opponents' tells, and whether or not cheating is taking place. It's not about just using your eyes and eyes.......it is also about using your nose to sniff out those thin games, slams..... those damn elusive queens..... and all those situations where something is clearly amiss.

Good practice requires one to review problem hands, where the analysis includes not only the way in which they were actually played, but the way they might have been played in different circumstances. Yes, even the slightest change in the circumstances might well require a change of plan or direction, where alternative decisions and choices need to considered and then acted upon. If a gamble has to be taken, then never do so blind. Class players only gamble when the odds are clearly in their favour : when only win-win situations can be envisaged.

What is for certain is that all great players possess an ability to maintain the highest levels of concentration over long periods of time. To sustain that high thin edge of concentration takes supreme mental effort and stamina, none of which should ever be wasted on incorrect, flawed or laboured analysis. Mental processes need to be razor sharp, accurate and precise. Minds therefore need to be like perpetual motion clocks : exquisite examples of quiet perfect efficiency, where breakdown are impossible given the reality of zero friction.

To master bridge you also need to develop a relaxed table presence, quietly but methodically absorbing every little thing that adds to the overall knowledge about the hand in question. Often it is the small details that tell the biggest story. Yes, we all need to focus on what has been bid and played, but we must also focus on the bids that weren't made, or the suits and/or cards that weren't played. This process is a long, patience-sapping discipline, but one which acts as the essential bonding agent........welding together all the other essential skills into a single highly explosive talent. The concept of synergy being present for all to see.

One quality that we should all strive to possess is never allowing smart-arse dick-heads to psyche us out, or to upset our equilibrium. I pride myself on possessing no such psychological weakness. My focus is only to pay attention to the bidding and play, and not the low-level cheating attempts of table louts desperately trying to distract me with their sabre-rattling gestures and comments.

So finally, I have left to wonder that whether on not I have a human brain, in that part of my mental make-up involves arriving at decisions, where the processing of information by-passes the normal circuits of logic and reasoning. These decisions arrive either by unexplained insights and visions, or by a combination of abstract logic and lateral thinking............................"

( Just then Dr. John steps forward and clicks his fingers, whereupon Bigot immediately sinks back into a deep trance. Moving the microphone nearer to his mouth, Dr. John addresses his spell bound audience. )

" Well, there you have it ladies and gentleman .....and a truly wonderful example of the awesome power of hypnotic suggestion. Behold....for on the next click of my fingers this poor wretched man will return to being nothing more than a mundane, frustrated, rank bad club player, who has simply turned up at the annual Walnut Tree Allotment BC 's Christmas cabaret party. Thankfully, he have no recall of what has happened to him here on this stage, and he will never know that for 3 minutes of his life he actually lived his dream........."

ULTIMATE BRIDGE : PROF GETS HIS FIRST E-MAIL

Dear Prof,

This ultimate bridge idea of yours could turn this beautiful and sacred game into something more akin to poker. Second guessing what your opponents are likely to bid becomes an essential part of the game. Moreover, with each defender seeing what's in dummy and knowing what cards they hold, reading declarer's hand becomes a tad bit easier. This of course makes it doubly hard for declarer to succeed.

Mind you, the bidding aspect of the game becomes a real fine art of combining sharp analysis with tactical cunning. Why just the other day I figured I had 10 tricks in no trumps, but foolishly elected to bid 3.....and because my opponents cleverly bid the same, I was dumped with a zero score for a scrubbed board. Why the hell I didn't bid 4NT I'll never know. But later on I wised up big time. With a combined 36 count , 7NT looked a racing certainty. More rigid than a donkey's dick on viagra. However, I figured the oppo might try to sabotage my score by bidding the same contract, and so I opted to bid 6D instead. Bingo!! The silly buggers had infact bid 6NT only to find themselves doubled for 12 off, giving us a galactic top. Such joy...such bliss.

So yes, ultimate bridge is one helluva game but don't be surprised if it never catches on. This is a game.... not for the faint-hearted..... and certainly not for the feeble'minded. It's a game for talented bridge players who like to gamble and live on the edge.

Yours always looking to shaft opponents good and proper ,

Willie Hardman

ULTIMATE BRIDGE : TAKING THE GAME INTO A WHOLE NEW DIMENSION...... ( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

Without doubt bridge needs to develop if it is to become a more challenging, demanding and exciting game, and what I am proposing here might well be the answer.

Rules for ultimate bridge :

1. Each board will indicate which player from each direction is nominated to make his/her side's one and only bid.
2. North/ south will first look at their own hand, before looking at their partner's ( east/west doing likewise ) within the permitted 2 minute time period.
3. The nominated bidders must then place face down on the table their chosen bid, before the two bidding cards are turned over simultaneously.
4. The side that wins the auction with the highest bid must then play in that designated contract.
5. However, the nominated player of the defending side must now nominate which of them is to make the opening lead, meaning that it is the player in the 4th seat who gets to be declarer.
6. In the rare event that both sides bid the same contract, the cards are returned to the board as " not played " , which results in a pass-out score.
7. Defenders are not obliged to reveal their signalling methods.

The beauty therefore about ultimate bridge is that there is no need whatsoever for system cards and/or convoluted bidding sequences. Bidding conventions are redundant. Moreover, it is the primary function of the nominated bidders to assess what bid to volunteer, given their recall of the 26 cards previously on view. The gambling element is also present if, say, the side with little in the way of high card points, clearly aware that a small slam in no trumps is on for the opponents, take the dangerous step of bidding that contract for themselves...... hoping of course for a " scrubbed " board. Because if they win the auction, the inevitable double will be very costly indeed. The nominated player for the defence is now well placed with his knowledge of the two hands to seize the initiative, chosing where the opening lead is to come from, and both defenders might well know when and where to switch in order to mazimise their trick potential. Accurate recall of key cards, shape and distribution is of paramount importance.

• Once the opening lead has been made, the onus immediately switches to the other defender to use this one and only opportunity to double the contract for penalties.
• If the contract has been doubled at trick one, then declarer has the option at any time during the play to redouble, if fortune looks to be turning back in his/her favour.

Players who decide to take on ultimate bridge will need to assimulate more information in less time. Bidding needs to be done with pin point accuracy, taking into account the defenders greatly improved knowledge of their combined assets and strengths. Sacrifice bidding might well be a tactic regularly employed, but the risks are that much greater with regards to confident doubles, and the likelihood of accurate and sharp defence.

This is bridge at the cutting edge, requiring players to develop their memory and analytical skills to even higher levels. Speed of thought is essential along with real tactcal nous.

This is Bigot-Johnson's Brave New Bizarre World of Bridge. So please give it a try and publish your comments, adding any refinements and/or changes where appropriate.

BRIDGE BLOGGING.......... ( Article by Bridgemeister Gibson )

As I see it, there are at least 7 types of bridge bloggers. Those who want to ....

- tell stories focusing on their own trials and tribulations

- report on, and review, big hands, big performers and big matches

- discuss problem hands ( real or imaginary ) with regards to bidding, defence and declarer play scenarios

- advocate or review new conventions, signalling methods and complex squeeze plays

- reminisce about the great old days, the colourful characters they encountered, with fascinating and amusing anecdotes

- raise serious and/or controversial issues, hoping to open up both useful discussion and debate

- satirise the absurdities, contradictions, hypocrisies and stereo-type characters which many players still fail to recognise

However, with respect to the last two categories of blog writers, who I might add are in a real minority, they need specials qualities. Firstly, they have to bold and brave, being quite aware that they might upset and offend quite a few people in the process. Secondly, they have to make sure their factual content is based on truth, and their opinions based on sound analysis and argument, especially if they are to convince a sceptical readership. Thirdly, they have to be risk-takers by entering into uncharted territories where few have gone before........knowing that navigational mistakes are always a distinct possibility.

As I belong to Bigot-Johnson's team of blog writers, I have found it necessary to come up with a code of conduct to protect my precarious position :

1. Avoid quoting facts which you can not substantiate or support

2. When giving opinions, no matter how extreme, try to ensure that they are (i) not motivated by malice , (ii )based on fair comment, being genuine and honest views

3. Never get too personal, choosing instead to keep individuals and groups unidentified and unnamed whenever it seems prudent to do so. Any resemblances made should be restricted to a small group of readers who are already in the know, and very much aware of your tongue-in-cheek approach......and who most likely share the same points of view

4. Avoid being completely one-sided with your opinions, looking to give a more balanced overview wherever possible. In every contentious and controversial issue, there are always different schools of thought, and different ways of looking at, and resolving problems.

5. Accept the reality regarding the laws of probability in that mistakes might well be made, and that certain lines may have been crossed. In such circumstances, corrections and apologies will need to humbly made.

6. Endeavour to stick to the principles you initially adopted to apply in your writing , remaining true to all of them as best you can.

7. Beware of those who make comments contravening the above rules 1-6 .

Contradictions will expose you as someone guilty of both double-standards and hypocrisy....in other words a fraud.

The Howard Bigot-Johnson blog is certainly one that has attempted to push the boundaries of bridge literature into new areas. These initiatives involve over-lapping bridge topics into other academic disciplines such as law, psychology and philosophy. Moreover, some of the posts try to move bridge into the theatres of the absurd, where humour and surrealism dominate. The whole blog attempts to get readers to see bridge in a completely different light....even if most of the content comes across as dark.

Indeed, Howard Bigot-Johnson tries to be the Wolynski of the bridge world, desperate to mould himself in the image of America's finest blogger.

BC SUB-COMMITTEE DISCIPLINARY HEARING No.141..........

( As usual Bigot-Johnson was in trouble again having upset his female partner on the way back from a bridge match way up north. A short extract from the hearing's transcript appears below. )

Chairman : We have summoned you here today to respond to a complaint from Ms. X, who claims that she agreed to be your partner in the Portland Mixed Pairs final held at Harrogate last month on condition you did the driving.

B-J : Correct.....

Chairman : She also claims that on the way back you pulled into a pub restaurant near Leeds , whereupon you ordered a slap up meal with wine to celebrate your top four finish.

B-J : Correct......

Chairman : But was it not the case that during the meal you consumed a glass of wine with your pinkie sticking out ?

B-J : Chairman.....please........ let's get real here.......there can hardly be anything wrong with that ! In some circles it is regarded as the height of good manners to drink wine with your little finger sticking out ......

Chairman : Who said anything about your little finger ? ...........

BIGOT'S COURT APPEARANCE MAKES LOCAL NEWS ...... ( An abridged report taken from the Bawtry Farmers' Gazette )

Bigot-Johnson, a regular player at the Walnut Tree Allotment BC, appeared before Doncaster Crown Court charged with causing grievous bodily harm ( with intent ) to Percy Pantopod, a fellow club member. Just before the judge directed the jury to go away and return a verdict, he turned to Bigot to ask if he had any final words to say to the court.

Bigot, who had elected to conduct his own defence, stood up and replied : " M'Lud....may I just bring to the court's attention once again, that what I did to Percy was out of chivalry and good manners. Since when was it a crime to open a door to help him pass through ? "

The judge looked long and hard at Bigot before pointing out a critical observation. " I'm not disputing the fact you opened the door for Percy to make his timely exit, but I think you are overlooking the fact that the car you were travelling in was doing 70 mph at the time....."

Not surprisingly Bigot was found guilty. only to be given a 180 hour community service order to teach bridge to delinquent kids banged up in a nearby remand centre.

LATEST BRIDGE BOOKS TO HIT THE SHOPS....... ( Research By Pun )

• Never Never Pull My Penalty Doubles, Partner.......Noah Count
• Please Don't Bury Me With All Your Conventions ....Ava Lanche
• The Easy Way To Read Opponents' Cards.................Lee N. Wellover
• Why Is It Always My Neck On The Block..................Gill O' Teen
• He Retired From Bridge As Junior World Champion...Sasha Waist
• Just Because I Called Him A Cheat..........................Enoch Mee-Downe
• That Man Abuses All The Lady Members.................Ray Pennybody
• She's His Favourite Partner Alright But....................Woody Poker
• I've Had A Shocking Week Of Dismal Results............Gladys Friday
• I Could Play 60 Hands A Day...................................Anne Moore

ARE TOURNAMENT DIRECTORS BIASED ?.......... ( Research By Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

No more than any other man or woman so it seems, since we all possess an inclination to present or hold a partial perspective at the expense of ( possibly equally valid ) alternatives.

Inherent biases lie deep within our psyches constantly undermining the way we perceive things, process our thoughts and reach conclusions. Indeed, this form of cognitive bias is the inevitable outcome of human thought, an unfortunate trait of the human condition. This tendency compels us to make systematic errors in certain circumstances, where cognitive factors, rather than evidence, dictate the way information is processed. Heuristics is the science which attempts to examine where this information process encounters either short-cuts or short-circuits.

To malign tournament directors as " biased " is nothing more than bias itself, with a huge dollop of hypocrisy thrown in for good measure. Because one indisputable truth exists: it is impossible for anyone to eliminate bias and other reasoning errors from their decision making process.

For TDs , and the rest of us, this tendency to think and act in a biased way has been nurtured from the day we were born. The tragedy is however is that we all fail to recognise this failing, because it is so implicit. It exists outside our conscious minds, beyond our awareness. It is the product of culture and life experiences. Which family members and friends we attached ourselves to most ? What values sets we were exposed to and aspirations we were encouraged to adopt ? However, some of us may have been brought up in a diverse world, which created the best chance of all to eliminate the influences of a single and corrupting cultural bias.

In the cut and thrust world of tournament bridge, bias will raise its head in one of several ways:

- Observational bias....where there is a tendency to look at something from just one particular point of view

- Confirmation bias .... where the only observation accepted is the one which conforms to the observers pre-selected expectations and desires

" Cargo-cult science " bias.....which directs the individual to interpret information to support his/her favourite hypothesis

- Processing bias - which involves people using selective data only to justify and/or draw their preferred conclusions

This means that in the heated arenas of bridge tournaments, where table conflicts run rife, tempers frayed, and claims met with counter-claims, even the merest hint of bias from the TD will exacerbate these difficult situations even more. TD's are on a hiding to nothing. Their only hope of escaping accusations of bias requires them to adopt and follow these simple rules ( as advocated by the American FBI to their investigating officers ) :

1. Remain open minded

2. Stay open to different viewpoints, interpretations, and possible solutions

3. Avoid the tendency to decide on a course of action..... and then search selectively for confirming data to support that decision

4. Examine the available and relevant evidence objectively, before making any decision

5. Avoid judging any book by its cover

6. Don't presume or imagine that the individual under scrutiny is a villain or a threat

7. Don't allow emotions such as anger, guilt and fear to impair common sense and good judgement

8. Be prepared to stand corrected, and seek out second opinions where necessary

In other words TDs need to take on the role of disinterested outsiders. This means also trying to pre-empt what questions they would ask, what information they would seek, and what assumptions they would adopt at the start ?

I'm sure that out there in the world of bridge there are many knowledgeable TDs, who strive to give both book and judgement rulings with as much impartiality and objectivity as they possibly can. Nevertheless the complete elimination of bias, as all philosophers, commentators and psychologists will confirm, is impossible.

We as players have to accept the reality of the human condition, live with whatever rulings we get, and move onto the next board.

QUESTION : DO BRIDGE

PLAYERS SLEEP AT

NIGHT ?

....

....

....

ANSWER : NOT WHEN

THEY REALISE THAT

SLAMS MISSED WERE

THERE TO BE BID AND

MADE !!!

PHILOSOPHICAL REFLECTIONS ON BRIDGE..... ( By Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

As bridge players we all have an inner compass that directs us to go about the play of a hand in a particular way. For the majority of us this inner compass is always out of sync , but thankfully it can be corrected by every book we read, and every outside mind that shows us a better way to bid and play the cards. However, once we stop absorbing and listening to good advice, the oscillation gradually dies down, and the needle returns to its old orientation. This is an inherent trait of the human condition : retreating back to our old wayward habits.

The harsh reality is that one can only absorb so much, and take on board the wisdom of others. Saturation thresholds are quickly reached, and from this new static position we then venture out, far less certain and confident of our bearings. As a result we inevitably wind our way back to the comfort zones of familar territory , where once again our inadequate inner compass regains control .

BUFFETT CUP HAND POSES NO PROBLEMS FOR JOHNNY................

The other day I gave Johnny Supremo a slam hand reported to have been bid and been made at all the tables.

I told Johnny that as South, he would be looking at Q84....J4......AKQJ954......J, while his partner held A1062....AK....10732.....A106. Not surprisingly, all these top class pairs reached 6D, despite West coming in at the start with a take-out double of South's 1D opening bid. So how should the hand be played after West kicks off with the king of clubs as his opening lead ? Here is Johnny's answer :

" Well, West surely to God for his bid must have most if not all of the outstanding points. One option is to take the trick in dummy with the Ace and ruff a club with jack of diamonds, cross to dummy's 10 of diamonds, and ruff the last club with the queen. If there's an outstanding diamond, I would clear that before eliminating hearts and coming back to hand with another diamond. All that is needed now is to find West with king/jack of spades and it's all over, by simply leading up to dummy's 10 of spades.

However, a simple throw in will also work. Take the club Ace, ruff dummy's club 6 , and draw 2 rounds of trumps. After that play the Ace/king of hearts to clear the suit, and then exit with dummy's 10 of clubs ( pitching a spade ) putting West on lead. He of course is totally fixed, unable to play a club or heart for fear of a ruff and a second spade discard. So his best bet is to play a spade and pray. No chance there with declarer happily making his twelfth trick with the spade queen. This is the near certain line I would take. "

So I asked the great man " Are there any other lines that could be taken ".

" Yes ", he said " If you like to play with real style, finesse and aplomb. A squeeze looks certainly well on, if West holds all these key black cards. All one needs to do is a duck on the king of clubs, in order to rectify the count. From this point on West is fixed again. He will certainly switch to a safe heart, enabling declarer to rattle off the next 9 tricks : club Ace, 2 top hearts, and 6 diamonds. West of course will now come down to KJ of spades and the King of clubs. Dummy will sitting on the A10 of spades and the club 10. So with Q8 of spades in hand and me to play my last diamond, West might just as well go out the room at shoot himself, for he has no reply. So tell me..... did anyone choose this line of play ? "

" Only one...I believe.....a Canadian-American by the name of Fred Gitelman..... ".

Johnny just smiled.............

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED.............

• Balance : something you find hard to do after one too many doubles
• Isolated menace : a term Bigot-Johnson once coined after locking up the irritant, Percy Pantopod, in the club's downstairs sound-proofed wine cellar
• Safety play : the process of taking all necessary precautions against (i) king-size cock ups, (ii) careless slips, and (iii) getting into trouble
• Spread : what hungry inter-city team players wish for but never get, when the half-time tea interval only provides a limited number of small cheese sandwiches and sausage rolls
• Trick light : one that can be switched on and off by the click of one's fingers
• Three down : a term used by those looking to remove undesirables from the club. Often the statement is completed by "....... two to go ".
• Onosecond : the minuscule fraction of time it takes you to realize you've just played the wrong card. This type of calamitous mistake is always accompanied by the words " Oh no ......."
• Handicap teams : a competition where every top seeded team is required to field at least one complete idiot in their line up

PHILOSOPHICAL REFLECTIONS ON BRIDGE..... ( By Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

In this bizarre world of bridge, I have seen many men who have a good deal of the dog or the fox, the bull or the snake about them, yet rarely do they achieve anything in the way of success despite being blessed with these special qualities. Indeed, it is equally rare for them to accept defeat with human dignity and grace given their lycanthropic characteristics. However, there are some players who excel at the game, forever displaying faces enriched with smug satisfaction, which so often comes from repeated success. These fortunate few owe much of their sucesss to the fact they are only possessed by the fox..... and the snake.......and nothing else.

WOLYNSKI'S VIEW ON BLOGGING.......( By bridgemeister Gibson )

" Sometimes I have to stop and think why I blog - it's not like hundreds of thousands will ever flock to my little shack in the cyberspace universe. I suppose I use it as a scrapbook for my thoughts - but why even make my thoughts public ? There's no money in it, can't lead to anything. Blogging is for blow-hards with nothing better to do. "

Well, to a large extent I agree with her, but if blogs live on long after our deaths, then I'm comforted by the thought that our spirits and thoughts hang around for a bit longer........... for future generations to reflect on, and perhaps be amused by. Humour is a wonderful thing. It can take away a negative mood or feeling if only for a few fleeting seconds. But in a world where joy and happiness are being squeezed away by the crushing vice of stress and chaos, then those fleeting seconds of amusement provide a much welcome respite. Far too many bridge players allow their beloved game to make them miserable rather than contented and cheerful .

BRIDGE BOOKS TO TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY............. ( Gasps Pun )

• Partner, Why Overdo The Facial Expressions ?...........Jemima Lott
• Her Best Bridge Days Are Long Gone..........................Diane Duck
• There Are People In This Club Out To Get Me..............Ken Iving
• If You're Out Of Your Depth, Cry For Help...................Aaron C. Reskew
• He Rarely Gives Anything Away.................................Titus Canby
• Howe I Make My Money As A Pro...............................Selma Bodie
• Scottish Bridge Players Tend To Mess Around.............Fanny A. Boot
• Bridge Reporting At Its Worst.................................Tobias Coveridge
• Looking Out For Easy Tricks........................................Dick Everard
• Catty Players Don't Bother Me.....................................Leon Taymer