Monday, 13 February 2017

WHAT IS IT THAT MAKES THIS BEAUTIFUL GAME OF BRIDGE SO UNAPPEALING ?............... ( Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber's poem offers one possible answer )

I go to my club
And who do I see
Off putting players
As mean as can be
Those who sneer
Those who peer
Those who moan
Those who groan
The big-headed
The pig-headed
The reckless
The feckless
Those who bleat
Those who cheat
Those who lurk
Those who smirk
The officious
The malicious
The moody
The broody
Those who ponder
Those who squander
Those who brag
Those who nag
The elitist
The defeatist
The humpy
The grumpy


Such a great shame
They spoil this game





Wednesday, 8 February 2017

BRIDGE BOOKS WHICH PUN RECKONS ARE ABSOLUTE CRACKERS...........


  • If He Makes This Slam The Match Is Lost.........................O. P. Fayles
  • That Gift Of A Top Handed Us The Trophy.........................Evan Scent
  • Yes I Admit That Every Seat I Vacate Is Always Wet..........I. P. Hallot
  • I Can't Stand The Way He Looks At My Lady Partner........C. D. Auldman
  • Many Bridge Players Cheat To A Lesser Extent..................Eve N. Mee 
  • That Was The Only Decent Thing Our Ex-chairman Did....Stan Downe 
  • We Need To Rid This Club Of Cheats Permanantly............Ann Mia Gunn
  • He's Always Peeking At The Opponents' Cards................. B. D. Hyde
  • You Need To Shout Out Loud To Call Over A Director .......Jess Holler
  • If He Claims To Have Won Trophies Then He's Lying.........Fuller Bluster
  • There's Something He Likes Doing More Than Bridge.......Roger Ringbuoys
  • Anyone Guilty Of Cheating Deserves A Good Whipping.... A. T. Lashes
THE NORTHERN PRO TELLS HIS PARTNER THE HUGELY SIGNIFICANT FERTS PRINCIPLE BEHIND HIS INCREDIBLY BRILLIANT BIDDING SYSTEM......

Sunday, 5 February 2017

WHEN IT COMES TO PLAYING CARDS AND MAKING LOVE......BIGOT IS ALWAYS IN A RUSH


Thursday, 26 January 2017

THE NORTHERN PRO REVEALS THE RATIONALE BEHIND HIS INCREDIBLY BRILLIANT BIDDING SYSTEM.......






Sunday, 22 January 2017

MEANWHILE BACK IN THE BRIDGE CLUB BAR ROOM
.......BIGOT-JOHNSON'S FRUITINESS COMES TO THE FORE 






Thursday, 5 January 2017

THE 10 WORST CRIMES YOU CAN COMMIT AT THE BRIDGE TABLE.......( in rank bad order of heinous and outrageous behaviour )

  1. Murder 
  2. Plonking a bridgemate down underneath an opponent's nose
  3. Assaulting an opponent 
  4. Setting fire to or ripping up your scorecard
  5. Smirking with glee at an opponent's mistake
  6. Vacating your seat in a very damp state
  7. Cheating of any kind in any form
  8. Farting with gay abandon
  9. Shouting obscenities at your hapless partner
  10. Picking one's nose or sneezing out loudly

Monday, 12 December 2016

THE ULTIMATE CLUB SECRETARY : THE JOB SPECIFICATION


The ideal candidate needs to possess the following abilities , attributes and skills if wishing to become an effective bridge club secretary :

1.   Thick skinned and pig-headed
2.   Incapable of apologising or showing remorse
3.   A fantasist
4.   A master of brevity and spin 
5.   An expert in the art of giving out misinformation . disinformation and meaningless cliches
6.   Manipulative and controlling
7.   Full of guile and cunning
8.   Dogged and determined , never prepared to let things go , forgive or forget, bury the 
      hatchet, forget the past and acknowledge compromise as a sensible solution
9.   Power crazy
10. Fully committed to converting personal agendas into committee ones
11. Passionate about promoting despotism and nepotism within the officer ranks of the 
      committee 
12. A natural and egoistic hypocrite forever doing what she/he tells others they can't