Thursday, 5 January 2017

THE 10 WORST CRIMES YOU CAN COMMIT AT THE BRIDGE TABLE.......( in rank bad order of heinous and outrageous behaviour )

  1. Murder 
  2. Plonking a bridgemate down underneath an opponent's nose
  3. Assaulting an opponent 
  4. Setting fire to or ripping up your scorecard
  5. Smirking with glee at an opponent's mistake
  6. Vacating your seat in a very damp state
  7. Cheating of any kind in any form
  8. Farting with gay abandon
  9. Shouting obscenities at your hapless partner
  10. Picking one's nose or sneezing out loudly

Monday, 12 December 2016

THE ULTIMATE CLUB SECRETARY : THE JOB SPECIFICATION


The ideal candidate needs to possess the following abilities , attributes and skills if wishing to become an effective bridge club secretary :

1.   Thick skinned and pig-headed
2.   Incapable of apologising or showing remorse
3.   A fantasist
4.   A master of brevity and spin 
5.   An expert in the art of giving out misinformation . disinformation and meaningless cliches
6.   Manipulative and controlling
7.   Full of guile and cunning
8.   Dogged and determined , never prepared to let things go , forgive or forget, bury the 
      hatchet, forget the past and acknowledge compromise as a sensible solution
9.   Power crazy
10. Fully committed to converting personal agendas into committee ones
11. Passionate about promoting despotism and nepotism within the officer ranks of the 
      committee 
12. A natural and egoistic hypocrite forever doing what she/he tells others they can't





Thursday, 1 December 2016

A LOOK INTO THE FUTURE WHERE BRIDGE CLUBS ARE DYING BY THE THOUSANDS........ ( As depicted in a poem adapted from a Leonard Cohen classic ) 


The chairman called me over
She fumbled for my hand
" I want you to take my office
I'm giving you command "

" Command of what, there's no one left
There's only you and me
All the members are dead and gone
On that we can agree "

" Complain , complain ...that's all you've done
Ever since that awful cost
Of hefty sums on legal fees
For a case I'm afraid we lost "

" May Christ have mercy on you soul
Your actions were a sickening joke
This wretched episode destroyed our club
As valuable funds went up in smoke "

" I know that you have suffered more
But consider this for a while
Whatever makes an opponent sad
Always makes a declarer smile "

" Sorry but I'm leaving now
You need to surely understand
So get this into your tiny head
There's no point in making a stand 
There's no hope in members returning
They've all gone to pastures new
Everyone is into internet bridge
Where robots players are fair and true
My commitment to this club is done
You'll rally me no more
I don't even know what I'm doing here
What the club is  really for
I've spent far too long aboard this boat
Which has been leaking money fast
We are now in deep dark trouble
The die has been surely cast
I've read the recent AGM report
And most of it is grim if not black
There's no hope for any salvation
There's no chance of going back "

Now the chairman she was pleading
But I steadfastly refused the poisoned chalice
Why on earth would I take command
When my heart was racked with malice




















Wednesday, 23 November 2016

BENIGN BRIDGE CLUB ( USA ) : COMMITTEE IMPOSES NEW RULES IN KEEPING WITH THE STRICT ZERO TOLERANCE REGIME


  • The Committee is always right
  • The Committee is never wrong
  • Even if the Committee is wrong no one is allowed to comment on the fact
  • Dissident members are to be classed as the scum of the earth
  • Anyone who is regarded as a dissident member who will hounded out of the club
  • Disciplinary hearings will always be conducted behind closed doors using all the bias and prejudice needed to get the bastards expelled     
  • No one must ever mention the vast sums of money the Committee has wasted on obscene and financially crippling legal fees
  • The Committee believes very strongly in giving members both disinformation and misinformation in order to maintain harmony and contentment within the ranks
  • Elephants do not occupy Committee rooms despite the fact that huge piles of dung have been used as manure on the garden beds 
  • Approved committee members expect to be voted in unopposed at the next AGM
  • Any club member who does not vote properly will be taken to the cellars and starved to death
  • All members will be obliged to swear on the Holy Bible that grovelling compliance , obedience and  loyalty are their primary duties 
  • Every member is required to snitch on any other member who appears to be harbouring negative thoughts , attitudes and concerns about the never-ending shenanigans the Committee constantly get up to 
  • For zero tolerance to work the Committee must be given a free reign to do as it pleases in a climate where forgiveness of human error is not an option 
  • The days of asking errant members to sit on the naughty chairs are well and truly over , as the wood from these chairs will be used to build a state-of-the-art scaffold 



Tuesday, 15 November 2016

BRIDGE BOOKS SOME LADIES MIGHT FIND OFFENSIVE......


  •  Whoever Farted At This Table Needs To Own Up Right Now.............Otis Mee
  •  Club Chairman's Wasteful Expenditure Makes Front Page News......Ed Liner
  •  Quite Frankly I Would Like To Shoot All Those On Committee...........Mo M. Downe
  •  Why Do Lady Members Turn Up With Colour In Their Hair.................Fanny Green
  • He's Threatening To Sue The Club For Wrongful expulsion................E. L. Knott-Duett
  • I Need To Be Updated On The Latest Bridge Gossip............ ..............Phil Mehan 
  • Madam Trust Me To Find You The Perfect Bridge Partner...................Dizzy Shagwell
  • It's Easy To Spot Those Who Enforce Zero Tolerance Rules..............Jack Boots
  • My Partner's Game Is Hopeless Now He's Turned To Drink................B. R. Waller
  • My Partner Seems To Have So Much Energy And Go........................Dinah Moe 
  • That Man Loves To Partner Juniors Who Are Still At School...............Roger Ringbuoys
  • Winning Is Great When You Receive So Many Accolades..................Pat Sonya Backe 
  • I Can Never Get A Good Result  Against This Cheating Dog............   Beau Geyman
  • I Would Love To Play Bridge Around The Clock If Possible..................Diane Knight

Wednesday, 2 November 2016

BRIDGE : THE PERFECT IMPERFECT GAME....... ( Article by Carp )

Bridge is without doubt a most majestic and beautiful game. The irony of course is every one of its major imperfections plays an important part in making the game so perfect. These imperfections simply add to the enthralling challenge which faces each player at the table.
Some commentators have defined bridge as a two-person zero sum game in that it involves two players forming a partnership. Therefore it becomes immediately apparent that each player has to overcome imperfect recall. One or both will forget things they knew or have experienced in the past. Establishing a perfect wave-length and understanding with partner inevitably takes years of hard work and practice , an objective which unfortunately is never likely to come to fruition.
In some extreme cases a player might fail to recall what is on their convention card , what took place in the auction, what cards have been played during a hand , and what happened in near identical hands they encountered before. The absence of a perfect memory creates an imperfect recall, which becomes a difficult obstacle to overcome.
Another imperfection lies in the fact that during the early play of the hand so many cards remain hidden from view. With this degree of imperfect knowledge of who holds what , difficult decisions and choices have to be made. The challenge here to replace guesswork with logical deduction , clue analysis and sound judgement. Assumptions need to be drawn on all the evidence gathered to date, combined with an imperfect knowledge of the true statistical odds that apply at any given stage of the hand in play. Based on imperfect analysis at the start of play , players strive valiantly to identify the best lines of play , especially when more and more information comes to light. 
The reality of the game is that the number of possible bidding sequences in an auction, along with the possible sequences of cards being played , run into tens of thousands. This means that in a very large field various different contracts will be arrived at , and that the outcomes in an identical contract will vary enormously. An imperfect opening lead, continuation or switch is often the root cause of such diverse outcomes.
Players are required to make imperfect choices based on imperfect information. This imperfection might well be  (a) the lack of any information at all  or (b) misleading information , and (c) inadequate information leading to false assumptions and mistakes. The fact that any player at the table can be guilty of off-centre bids , psychs , and deceptive gambits , not to mention stupidity,  the idea that perfect information could exist is an absolute non-starter.  
However , the main reason why bridge is such an imperfect game is , I'm afraid , down to the fact that too many players cheat. Some of cheating is unintentional , petty and soft. Other forms of cheating have become hard , deliberate , calculating , intentional and highly sophisticated ( possibly undetectable ). The challenge here for the good honest players is to recognise its presence and to report their findings to the governing bodies , The problem here is that whatever suspicions and accusations are made , they must be supported by strong irrefutable evidence.
Finally , we come to the imperfections of each and every player , who will always fall the victim to The Human Condition. The majority of players are prone to lapses of memory , focus , concentration, discipline and ethical conduct. Directors are prone to an imperfect knowledge or interpretation of the rules , allowing prejudice and bias to determine their decisions. Noise and disturbances at other tables create an imperfect environment in which players struggle to maintain focus and concentration.
So yes ,  bridge becomes the perfect game in that players have to overcome all the imperfections inherent in the game. These added challenges are immense ,  but the beauty and majesty of the game makes each and every one worth taking on.    
  



Friday, 28 October 2016

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY .............

Trump :

(a) someone who talks out of his arse spewing hot air and offensive bile , an
      obnoxious megalomaniac renown for possessing all the vile characteristics of
      an arrogant,  racist, sexist male chauvinist 
(b) an american politician being one who clearly lives up to his name ( see above )
(c) a loud blast
(d) a card from the declared master suit which can beat any other card from the other suits
(e) a form of deceptive foolery often used by bridge players keen to persuade opponents
     into making false assumptions
(f)  a false allegation which an unscrupulous member will concoct and put forward to a 
     committee, in a bold attempt to get someone he/she dislikes thrown out of the club
(g) the name given to the loud stomping sound the elephant makes in the committee
     room in a vain attempt to be seen
(h) a bodily function which bridge players should refrain from doing during play , for fear 
     of embarrassment and/or severe reprimand from over zealous , zero tolerance 
     enforcement officers