Wednesday, 22 March 2017

CHEATING ON ANOTHER LEVEL.............. ( Article by Carp )

In the bizarre world of bridge a curious and absurd situation has arisen now that duplimated boards have appeared on the scene.. This computorised process eliminates the need for hand shuffling , providing print outs of all the hands for players to read and analyse after the bridge session is over. With bridge clubs eager to embrace this wonderful computer technology , duplimated boards have rapidly become the norm in England for most tournaments , competition matches and duplicate sessions. 
When match boards are prepared in this automated way the only requirement is that procedure involved is subject to "satisfactory " security arrangements being in place. This choice of word in my view is a cop out. 
What is of fundamental importance is the need for tight control. This in turn necessitates " best " practice in establishing and setting up foolproof security arrangements, along with thorough and rigorous monitoring.
So what would constitute the very best security safeguards ?
Firstly , given the club and its appointed individuals might well receive ( via the computer ) hand data to program the duplimator , then this information itself must be kept in secure files with highly restricted access. So secure it is capable of thwarting even the most competent hackers. Moreover, these individuals should not be involved in any of the matches where these boards are going to be played. 
Secondly, these same individuals need to be above all suspicion , men/ women renown for the complete honesty, ethical behaviour , praised for their unwavering impartiality and integrity. People.... who would declare their allegiance towards and/or membership of other clubs where these duplimated boards might also be played. 
Thirdly, once the boards have been made up along with the printed hand-outs , they need to be immediately placed in a locked box inside a locked cupboard. Keys themselves should be limited to just two individuals who themselves can guarantee their safe keeping.
Finally , if prior to the match there is the slightest suspicion of foul play , the captain of the aggrieved team may exercise his/her right to replace the duplimated boards with hand shuffled ones , done there and then at the table with all four players in attendance. If suspicions arise during the match that certain players seem to possess an insight which amounts to detailed knowledge ( no matter how small ) about the hand , then these must be recorded in writing and thoroughly investigated. Indeed,  rumours have circulated around Yorkshire of a player involved in an inter-city match , who having some involvement in the preparation of the boards and print-outs , become the only player to bid and make a  grand slam in diamonds , which only made because of the fortunate layout of the cards.  
So yes , cheating can appear in many shapes and forms but prior knowledge of the hands is I believe on another much higher and more sinister level. Matches can be won or lost on two or three crucial boards where on some boards players would have done well to keep out of a doomed slam , while in other instances slams are bid , despite their poor odds , only to come rolling in. Once is good fortune. twice is co-incidence but three times there has to be something suspicious going on. Even if prior knowledge,  no matter how small or insignificant , arrives say by virtue of pre-match loose gossip, there is without doubt a serious breach of security. Any even when an eavesdropper doesn't have the opportunity to act upon it to his/her benefit that is no excuse to the justified accusation of a security breach.
Security must focus on the elimination of opportunities for cheating to occur. Those who act upon unauthorised information of this kind are the real cheats , but those who responsible for any lapse of security are equally at fault , aiding and abetting such a crime. The pursuit for a level playing field along side the crack down on cheating must be relentless. Security measures currently in place may appear to be good enough , but are they ? Vigilance is needed at all times, and players who regularly appear to have something more than just the gift on insight need to be carefully and discreetly investigated. Always get the evidence first before making any charges.   
   

Tuesday, 7 March 2017

DON'T PLAY BRIDGE ON THE INTERNET : GO TO A CLUB INSTEAD

Recent research from the UNIVERSITY OF THE BLOODY OBVIOUS ( an institution that should replace all other universities ) has warned that internet bridge is guaranteed to make us feel lonely and morose.
Social contact is what makes us human and behave like humans. Nothing beats face-to-face dialogue, group discussion and social banter. Staring at a screen , with eyes solely fixed on a virtual reality bridge table, playing with faceless partners against faceless opponents is no substitute for the real thing. Real interaction is what makes us happy. Social media generally is full of sad and lonely people claiming everything is OK and perfectly fine, when clearly the opposite is true.
Being a member of a warm welcoming bridge club is like being part of a wonderful family who all share the shame passion and interest in the game as you do. Jovial conversation , and real laughter is both infectious and uplifting. The flat and meaningless quickly typed comment followed by a LOL text reply offers no comparison whatsoever.. 
It's bloody obvious that internet bridge will become the final nail which seals the coffin on club bridge.  As old members and new enthusiasts turn into internet converts , they will remain blind to the fact that while technology seems to present opportunities to fill a social void, it creates in the long term a far greater one of hideous and frightening proportions. 

Sunday, 5 March 2017

CALLING ALL BRIDGE CHEATS ( OF WHICH THERE ARE MANY ) .....IF YOU'RE GOING TO CHEAT THEN YOU NEED TO DEVELOP THE FOLLOWING SKILLS

  1. A healthy disrespect for the integrity of the game and the rules designed to stop such an evil practice
  2. Razor sharp rabbit-like hearing with the ability to tune into any table discussion anywhere in the room
  3. An expertise in creating and combining a vast array of coded signals and gestures
  4. A grossly misleading and/or incomplete system card
  5. A complete mastery of giving out misinformation and incomplete explanations
  6. Total control over your compliant partner-in-crime
  7. The ability to play the innocent party appearing to be deeply shocked and horrified should anyone dare to suggest foul play at the table
  8. Superb wide-angled long range vision 
  9. An highly elastic, supple crane-like neck
  10. An ability to take deviousness and cunning to unprecedented levels
  11. To rid your conscience of all honesty , decency,  morals , and ethical principles
  12. A ruthlessness a hardened psychopath would be proud of
  13. To focus solely and absolutely on the results with a total disregard for the spirit and enjoyment of the game
  14. An unrivalled ability to lie your way out of any situation
  15. Staying firm and resolute , never succumbing to any feelings of shame , guilt or remorse

Monday, 13 February 2017

WHAT IS IT THAT MAKES THIS BEAUTIFUL GAME OF BRIDGE SO UNAPPEALING ?............... ( Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber's poem offers one possible answer )

I go to my club
And who do I see
Off putting players
As mean as can be
Those who sneer
Those who peer
Those who moan
Those who groan
The big-headed
The pig-headed
The reckless
The feckless
Those who bleat
Those who cheat
Those who lurk
Those who smirk
The officious
The malicious
The moody
The broody
Those who ponder
Those who squander
Those who brag
Those who nag
The elitist
The defeatist
The humpy
The grumpy


Such a great shame
They spoil this game





Wednesday, 8 February 2017

BRIDGE BOOKS WHICH PUN RECKONS ARE ABSOLUTE CRACKERS...........


  • If He Makes This Slam The Match Is Lost.........................O. P. Fayles
  • That Gift Of A Top Handed Us The Trophy.........................Evan Scent
  • Yes I Admit That Every Seat I Vacate Is Always Wet..........I. P. Hallot
  • I Can't Stand The Way He Looks At My Lady Partner........C. D. Auldman
  • Many Bridge Players Cheat To A Lesser Extent..................Eve N. Mee 
  • That Was The Only Decent Thing Our Ex-chairman Did....Stan Downe 
  • We Need To Rid This Club Of Cheats Permanantly............Ann Mia Gunn
  • He's Always Peeking At The Opponents' Cards................. B. D. Hyde
  • You Need To Shout Out Loud To Call Over A Director .......Jess Holler
  • If He Claims To Have Won Trophies Then He's Lying.........Fuller Bluster
  • There's Something He Likes Doing More Than Bridge.......Roger Ringbuoys
  • Anyone Guilty Of Cheating Deserves A Good Whipping.... A. T. Lashes
THE NORTHERN PRO TELLS HIS PARTNER THE HUGELY SIGNIFICANT FERTS PRINCIPLE BEHIND HIS INCREDIBLY BRILLIANT BIDDING SYSTEM......

Sunday, 5 February 2017

WHEN IT COMES TO PLAYING CARDS AND MAKING LOVE......BIGOT IS ALWAYS IN A RUSH


Thursday, 26 January 2017

THE NORTHERN PRO REVEALS THE RATIONALE BEHIND HIS INCREDIBLY BRILLIANT BIDDING SYSTEM.......