Friday, 16 June 2017

THINGS THAT REALLY MATTER TO EXECUTIVE OFFICERS OF BRIDGE GOVERNING BODIES....( Article by Carp )


Listed of course in rank order of importance :


  1.  Conducting their meetings and all other business behind closed doors to guarantee absolute privacy and secrecy 
  2. Creating an ever stronger power base capable of suppressing all forms of dissent and criticism
  3. Abusing their power in a multitude of novel and exciting ways in order to achieve personal objectives and ambitions
  4. To pump up their already inflated egos even more
  5. Helping themselves to some extra income and financial benefits , under the pretext reimbursement of expenses and administrative salaries
  6. To win major favours and privileges from those to whom smaller favours and privileges have been handed out 
  7. Revelling in the kudos and prestige of undertaking vitally important roles and functions in the running of the club
  8. To distance themselves at all costs from the rank and file ordinary members , commonly referred to as riff raff
  9. Actively seeking and quickly seizing any other opportunities to gain profit , advantage and benefit to enhance their status and positions within the organisation
  10. To protect the own , to watch out for each other , and to do what is necessary to facilitate effective cover-ups and/or excuses 
  11.  Quick to transfer blame and/or responsibility for any cock-ups , by back-stabbing those deemed as expendable
  12. To spend vast sums of money on the buildings , computers and equipment at the expense of promoting the game to a wider audience and market
  13.  Forever seeing themselves as masters rather than the humble servants of those they are meant to represent
  14. Making decisions based on needs rather than common sense , honesty and integrity
  15. Feigning to take on board the wishes and concerns of the wider membership 

Saturday, 10 June 2017

BRIDGE BOOKS WORTH HAVING A PEEK AT.......( Says Pun )



  • When As Stand By You Are To Partner A New Female Member...........Greta Warmley
  • I Play Bridge Like A Ruthless Psychopathic Highly Advanced Robot.....Cy Borgman
  • I've Just Discovered My Regular Female Partner Is A Lesbian.............Dick D. Kliner
  • I Don't Give A Damn About Our Dreadful Overbearing Chairman.........May E. Rotinelle
  • I'll Tell You Why I Can't Come Out To Play Bridge Tonight.................    Erin Dawes
  • Having Done A Stretch In Prison No Bridge Club Wants Me.................Jay L. Byrd
  • If Someone Catches You Cheating Smile And Plead Innocence...........Fay Kitt
  • She Always Causes A Stir When She Struts Into The Club...................Ed Turner
  • That Man Can't Take His Eyes Of My Lady Partner's Bust.....................C. D. Auldman
  • How Did He Pull Off Making That Seemingly Impossible Slam...............Jimmy Devell 

Friday, 26 May 2017

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED .......


  • Average - the term which perfectly describes up to 95% of all people who purport to play bridge :  their ability to improve is severely restricted by their inability to think and/or count
  • Expert - the grossly absurd and delusional belief an average player has of himself/herself
  • MUD - what usually gets slung around at committee meetings when members start falling out with each other
  • Field - a place where seeded players rise above the riff raff to reap and harvest the spoils 
  • Ladders - ranking lists which aspiring players like to climb in order to look down on those less gifted themselves with joyous contempt
  • Good raise - the essential attribute a needy lady player expects of her male partner before play commences
  • Pack - what any devious chairman aims to do at important AGMs by filling every single seat with committee supporters : a tactic more commonly known as gerrymandering
  • Suit - the practice sheep-like members adopt at AGMs when following the lead of their highly controlling and manipulative chairman
  • Spot - the awkward and embarrassing position a less than ethical player finds him/herself in when accused and exposed as a cheat
  • Rank - a term which appropriately describes the smell which emanates from the seat recently vacated by an elderly player not well versed in personal hygiene matters  

Thursday, 27 April 2017

MORE EXCITING BRIDGE BOOKS UNEARTHED ........
( by gardening guru Pun )



  • I'll Give You One Good Reason Why You Need Me As A Partner.........Ima Weiner
  • To Say I'm Upset Partner Is A Gross Understatement !....... .................Fuller Roth
  • This Sort Of Thing Will Not Be Tolerated In Our Club....................Annie R. G. Bargie
  • My Tactics Are To Lull My Opponents Into A Soporific State.................Sarah Nade
  • After Coming Out On Top I Just Want To Get Up And Dance................Tina C. Walls
  • Now That's A Bidding System I Could Really Take To............................Mortimer Likin
  • That Opponent Is So Uncouth He's Worse Than A Heathen..................Phil S, Stein
  • Did I Lose My Rag When I Noticed Our Opponents Cheating !...............Kirsten Sworr
  • Sorry Partner, I Find Your Beauty So Alluring And Appealing.................Dick Stillard
  • For Pity's Sake Partner Will You Please Stop Getting At Me..................Lee Vitoff

Monday, 24 April 2017

THE LATEST CROP OF BEST SELLING BRIDGE BOOKS..................... ( Information harvested by Pun ) 


  • Partner What Was Your Reasoning For Bidding That Slam ?...........Justin Hope
  • I'll Tell You What's Happening To This Great Game Of Ours.............Di N. Fershaw
  • For Crying Out Loud Why Does No One Listen To Me ?...................Pete Sake
  • Her Speciality Is Carving Up Weak And Helpless Opponents............Angela Deth
  • This Is The Saddest Bridge Story You'll Ever Come Across..............T. R. Jerker
  • Committee Members Here Run This Club With An Iron Fist .... ........Gus Tarpeau 
  • What Would Be An Appropriate Message To Send Our Chairman?...Aretha Flowers 
  • Heavens above If You Ever Get Our Chairman Into Your Sights.......Ava Pott
  • And Should You Get The Club Secretary Into Your Sights................Phil R. Withe-Ledd
  • I Know What I'm Gonna Do To Raise Money For This Club...............Selma Bodie

Tuesday, 11 April 2017

WALNUT TREE ALLOTMENT SOCIETY BC DISCIPLINARY HEARING   ( No. 642 )

The club was forced to introduce in 2015 much stricter rules requiring players to treat one another with utmost respect and politeness.  However despite chairman Bigot-Johnson's bold initiative ,  Neil Peck found himself before the committee following a complaint by a member , who was sitting at the table when the alleged incident occurred. 

Chairman : As the main complainant and key witness.......please tell the committee what took place at the table that gave rise to your concern ?
Complainant : Neil called his partner " a prune ".......
( Gasps of horror and revulsion filled the room from all committee members and onlookers keeled over in shock )
Chairman : That's terrible.......calling someone " a prune " in front of others amounts to a wicked and wilful breach of our newly imposed best behaviour rules. If some arsehole like Neil said that to me I'd kill the foul-mouthed bastard there and then.
Neil : Excuse me ......I would like to say something
Chairman : If you must.....you uncaring , uncouth , obnoxious toe-rag
Neil : My partner played bridge all night like " a prune " and therefore deserved such a label
Chairman : No one deserves to be insulted like that.....you're both vicious and vindictive
Neil : It wasn't an insult. It was a statement of fact based on hard evidence of his play at the table. The truth needed to come out........
Chairman : So what had this numbskull of a partner done to be condemned and reviled like that ?
Neil : Well, as I said earlier he had been playing all evening like a complete arse-hole
( More loud gasps from around the jam-packed committee room , which included Neil's partner and others desperate for juicy gossip and cheap entertainment.) 
Chairman : That's still no excuse for calling him a prune
Neil : So what would you do... or say...... to your partner if he failed to make a single heart trick when holding J108 in one hand and K96 in the other ?
Chairman : I would call him " a tosser "
Neil : And then fail to cash an established winner ?
Chairman : Christ amighty ...the man must be a complete moron
Neil : Not to mention marooning himself from dummy where he had two other established winners
Chairman : I cannot believe any man could be so INEPT ,CLUELESS, STUPID, OFF-HIS-HEAD , AND BRAIN -DEAD ...... my God.....what a  COMPLETE TWAT he must be
Neil : Exactly
Chairman : But having said all that....... your behaviour at the table leaves us with no choice but to ban you from this club
Neil : Hold on a mo......what you just said about him was far far worse
Chairman : Ah... that may be true.......However ,what is said by committee members during committee work is exempt from rules which only apply to behaviour at the table. By having double standards like this we can get rid of foul-mouthed scumbags like you ,  whilst making most of this heaven sent opportunity to slag you off without fear or recrimination.
( Applause echoes all around the room as Neil is shown the door by two burly stewards )

   

Friday, 31 March 2017

BRIDGE BOOKS SOLD TO ME IN BROWN PAPER BAGS FROM UNDER THE COUNTER....... ( Pun incognito )


  • What I Always Say To Cheats Who Arrive At My Table...................F. Hoff
  • My Game Of Bridge Is Slightly Better Than Average.......................Maura Liss
  • I Can't Play Today , I Really Overdid Last Night ..............................Dick Aiken
  • The List Of Complaints Against Me Goes On Forever......................Miles Long
  • Partner What On Earth Are You Doing With Your Hand ? ..............Holden McGroin
  • Any Excuses Our Chairman Makes Are A Pack Of Lies..................Bill Loney
  • Losing To Weak Opponents Makes Me Feel Wretched...................Lois Mee
  • I'll Tell You What She Enjoys , More Than Playing The Cards........ Amanda Naggatt
  • I'm Sorry I Can't Sit Still , I've Got A Problem Down Below..............Jenny Tillitch 
  • Yes There Is Something I Prefer More Than Bridge........................Nicholas R. Lotts