LAW REPORT ( "X" rated material not suitable for adults with sensitive dispositions ) : R v. BIGOT-JOHNSON 2015

In this landmark case Bigot-Johnson was brought before the Crown Court charged with the crime of bestiality. Not surprisingly he venomously denied the charge ,  and was so confident about his innocence he decided to conduct his own defence. The following extract has been taken from the trial's transcript , which for many proved to be too shocking and harrowing to read in full.

Prosecuting counsel ( PC ) : Bestiality is defined as sexual relations between a human being and an animal. In fact many devout Christians regard this heinous act as a crime against nature
B-J : I'm innocent....
PC : I put it to this court that Bigot is guilty of this crime......a most despicable , depraved , perverted act........one so often associated with inbred Welsh mountain sheep farmers....
B-J : I'm innocent.....why I'm a respectable married man with a devoted and loving wife , two well grounded children and three adorable grand-children. I'm a blogger of distinction, a former law lecturer, carer and pinball enthusiast.
PC : Well, let me ask you this Bigot .....have you ever engaged in extra-marital affairs with lady members of your club
B-J : I can't say "no" to that question....
PC : I'm not surprised given the thirteen witness statements I have in front of me 
B-J : Tip of the iceberg.....
PC : So you admit to bit of sporran dabbling here and there with ladies ....who obviously have poor judgement and an obliging nature
B-J : Mmm....yes.....I do recall a little bit of hanky panky on several occasions....and of course
happy moments of lustful play and indulgence 
PC : But is it also true that you.... constantly and repeatedly ...... refer to the female members in your club as " cheating dogs "
B-J : Yes
PC :  And on many others occasions as " clueless rabbits "
B-J : Yes..
PC : Several times as " chimps "
B-J : Yes...
PC : Other times as " timid mice  "
B-J : Yes..
PC : And on occasions as " sly old foxes "
B-J : Yes...yes...yes 
PC : So I take it then you perceive and define all lady members......even your partners.......as animals of one kind or another
B-J : I guess so
PC : Therefore.....on those occasions you were engaged in extra-marital activities , you had it your mind you were performing sex with an animal of one shape or form 
B-J : You could say that.....especially when they turn into tigers
PC :  Well that to me establishes the mens rea of the crime.....and so with the sexual act itself ...the actus rear....oops sorry....the actus reus....all this adds up to one inescapaable conclusion.....Bigot you're as guilty as hell
Judge : I'm shocked.....your sexist attitudes have so corrupted your mind , you have clearly sunk to an appalling degenerate level......the courtroom has been stunned into silence.  What should have been a loving .....albeit adulterous.....acts between two human beings was sadly converted into acts of bestiality. What pray God do you have to say for yourself ?
B-J : Well , your Honour... since I am happy to acknowledge and accept my intentions as " beastly aforethought ", which along with my odious reputation as " a loathsome beast who bull shits his way through life " ..... I cannot therefore be guilty of this crime
Judge : How come ? 
B-J : Because.....by ceasing to be a decent human being .....a person of any worth or standing....I have become a beast. Consequently , the human requirement for this crime is clearly missing. And if you consider the ladies as fulfilling the human requirement and me being the beast, then it is they who should be on trial.....and not me
Judge : My God....you're right....case dismissed