NEWSFLASH : SHORT BRIDGE PLAYERS REALLY ARE INFERIOR SAYS A RECENT SURVEY REPORT

In a startling and devastating report , commissioned by The Institute Of Pointless Studies , bridge players of restricted height were shocked to learn their taller counterparts possessed superior skills to them , in every aspect of the game. 
The report , entitled " It helps to be tall " clearly established beyond all reasonable doubt , that men were definitely superior to women , and that taller players outplayed and outranked their smaller partners and/or opponents. Part of the explanation stems from the psychological stigma which short players experience : the shameful embarrassment of having to sit on chairs stacked high with cushions.
Bigot-Johnson , the six foot two chairman of the infamous Slaughter House Bridge Club, claims his height has helped him immensely to become a successful player. He emphatically agreed that every one of the report's negative assumptions about short players turned out to be true. 
" I have noticed that all my height-deprived partners are short in so many other ways : short-sighted , short on ideas , short of breath , short on patience , and short of common sense.  In short , they are useless.  Being tall certainly enables me to undertake information gathering techniques my stunted partners can't : the ability to look over the shoulders of players sitting on nearby tables , and to lean sideways in a casual unnoticeable manner so as to obtain a better view of things. "
The report goes on to suggest that short players should be restricted from attending top grade events , if only to avoid the problem of tall players tripping up over them when rushing to the bar.
Yet the most shocking finding was that for every inch a player is under the 5 foot eight benchmark , he or she loses another 10% in terms of talent and ability. Conversely , for every inch over this figure players can add another 10% to their ability quotient. So the reality turns out to be a simple one : if you want to achieve a higher position in the final placings , you must find yourself a tall partner and pray that you meet a succession of dwarfs and short-arsed opponents.