NEWSFLASH : 80% OF MALE BRIDGE PLAYERS ARE SHAMELESS SEXIST TOSSERS

In a recent survey the majority of male bridge players revealed themselves to either mean and nasty racists, or vain , self-absorbed sexists. Researchers at the Institute of Pointless Studies found over three quarters of male players were prejudiced on issues of class , race and gender.
This made very difficult for lady players to get on with them in the boiler room atmosphere of a highly competitive bridge arena. The head of the research team ,Tanya Hydigan, said " playing with or against men is a very difficult situation to handle. They either want to show off or blow off. Indeed , their complete lack of social awareness beggars belief. I genuinely believe that men are well over to the right on the autistic spectrum , completely unaware of the social norms , etiquette, manners and protocol that women believe are so important in life.
May be it is not their fault but rather they are the hapless victims of nature's cruel tricks , which have certainly inflicted upon them unpleasant obsessive compulsive disorders and introverted personalities. Bridge is a world where they can mix with the opposite sex , but have nothing to do with them. Male bridge players only have one objective in mind , and that is to win at all costs. "
However , the survey's findings did not go down at all well with a rather irate Bigot-Johnson. In fact he was incensed. " No way do I believe any of this drivel. As an intelligent man , who craves for challenge and excitement ,   I'm torn between my instinctive passion for bridge, and my overwhelming desire to do the things that please me most  All this of course without interfering women saying otherwise. To say I'm a sexist , male chauvinistic pig , is an outrage. I can't help it if I only love bridge.  And yes I have been known to take a few minutes out here and there to enjoy a bit sex, but thankfully all that takes place when bridge clubs are closed up for the night. 
What one must recognise is that bridge is both a civilised and ritualised form of non-physical combat  ( although I must admit to giving inept lady partners a right good shaking every now and again ) . Moreover , bridge is all about participating in a psychological and intellectual battle against all manner of opponents. One makes no exception if the opponents happen to be women. For me the game is about establishing my superiority over women , which of course I do with effortless and ruthless regularity. "