BIGOT DESPAIRS AT HIS LATEST CROP OF STUDENTS..... ( A very nearly true story by Bridgemeister Gibson )

Cheating has plagued the world of bridge since the dawn of time. So much so that even Bigot's students were caught out using devious and underhand ways to enhance their test result scores.
Out of a class of fifteen mediocre students  , all but two failed to score maximum marks . This fact alone caused Bigot to have his suspicions...... but having no proof nothing could be done.
However , one careless student had clearly exposed his guilt , and Bigot was on to him in a flash :  "It's strange how you sat next to Amanda only to get the same 19 out of 20 score "
" So does that mean I passed ...like Amanda ? "   asked the nervous young man.
" No.... because I'm failing you for cheating.....I'm extremely suspicious about the fact you both got question 14 wrong..... " 
"  You can't possibly know that it was me who was cheating... ", protested the red faced student , ".... for how can my wrong answer be any different to Amanda's "
" Because you sir are a complete muppet .... you see her answer to question 14 was I don't know .......whereas yours was neither do I "   
    
   

FIFTEEN DAMN GOOD REASONS WHY I KNOW THAT CHEATING GOES ON AT MY CLUB......( Article by Carp ) 

  1.  Nobody turns up with a cold but there's coughing going on at every table 
  2.  No one suffers from deafness but everyone wears top-of-the-range hearing aids
  3.  Expertise counts for nothing
  4.  Players who call directors by their first names never get unfavourable rulings
  5.  Even 3 hours isn't long enough to play 24 boards given the vast number of hesitations 
       which occur on every hand at every table
  6.  There are more players on walkabouts than there are sitting down at the tables
  7.  More often than not it's the non-bidding partner of the doubler who turns up with the
       biggest hand
  8.  There are so many changes in player's tempo one is left to wonder if time anomalies and
       distortions only occur inside bridge clubs
   9.  Players are so obsessed with their national rankings that results have become their first
        priority at the expense of ethical considerations
  10. Body movements and facial expressions suggest that most players should have taken up
        acting ( and not bridge ) 
  11.  Psychs never prove costly with partners so adept at fielding that a lucrative career in 
         county cricket would not beyond the realms of possibility
   12. Players instinctively know what their partners hold despite never being able to explain
         correctly what their bids actually mean , or  what the play of a particular calls for
   13.  The number of co-incidences when the length held in a particular suit matches exactly
          the number of exposed finger digits as players fan and re-fan their cards 
   14.  The uncanny number of potential slam hands players somehow elect stay out of when 
          only game is making , as compared to the number of times dodgy-highly speculative 
          slams bid and made ( knowing of course good fortune will lend them a helping hand )
    15.  Whenever an anti-percentage play is undertaken , it bizarrely comes off 
            
                         

SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB MEMBER CONTINUES TO OCCUPY PRIDE OF PLACE SPOT IN THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS.......

The Most Modified Bidding System Ever Conceived

First devised in 1993 by Terry " Tinkerman " Taylor , currently known as The Northern Pro ,
the Magic Club and Sparkling Diamond bidding system made its disastrous debut at Walnut Tree Allotment autumn teams event.
Twenty one years later after 273 major redrafts ,  and 43,736 refinements , adjustments , amendments, add-ons and alterations , this revolutionary bidding system is as far away from being the finished article as it was at the outset.
Never in the history of bridge has a system undergone so many changes and endless tinkering as this one........to the utter dismay and frustration of the 873 different partners roped in to test it out. Each and every one is still haunted by Terry's unrelenting pursuit of perfection, when forever being greeted with the opening line : " I've got another cracking idea that might work out better...."  
The glazed and bewildered looks in their eyes provided testimony to the fact the the sheer number of modifications , completely blew their brains out. With no likelihood of the Magic Club and Sparkling Diamond bidding system being finalised , the current work-in-progress edition appears more than ever to be in urgent need of corrective modifications , if recent results are to go by. Nevertheless this record is being constantly broken every single day, as The Tinkerman continues to notch up even more changes in his quest for the perfect bidding system.    

DID YOU KNOW THAT.........

Yes, this is a fact that will completely dispel a long held myth. A recent survey of bridge players indicated that the grumpiest group are men aged between 35 and 54. Not , as you might think , proper old codgers with arthritic joints and memories of when they could still count to thirteen.
Today's grumpy old bridge players are stuck between devil-may-care youth and past-all-caring geriatrics , whinging and whining about partners , TDs , dodgy opponents, cruel distributions and generally having a miserable time with the cards.
But did you know that when international comparisons were made , the British 35-54 year old bridge players came out top for being the biggest groaners and gripers , recording the highest scores on such criteria as sulkiness , irritability and bad-tempered behaviour.  Therefore , anyone walking into an English bridge club for the very first time will very quickly realize that they entered the Land of The Grump.

DID YOU KNOW THAT.......( A new series of articles from Dr. John )

Did you know that recent statistics on bridge players confirm a most disturbing and shocking fact. One in four ( would you believe ) suffer from a serious mental disorder of which the major symptom is a burning desire to behave in a thoroughly disagreeable and nasty way.
So the next time you sit down at a bridge table and cast your eyes upon the other three players present , you need to take stock. If they all seem reasonably grounded , level-headed , and respectfully civil , then it's you !    

SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB GUINNESS BOOK RECORD No.2......

The Longest Ever Bar Room Slanging match

In April 2010 Gordon " Gobby " Mycroft came down to the bar with his partner , Barney " Big Mouth " Proctor remonstrating about their shameful and embarrassing scorecard . Each was full of recriminations about the other over the horrendous bottoms , and well below average scores , they had racked up during the evening's debacle. 
As the arguments and accusations descended into a tirade of venomous insults and unrepeatable aspersions , the slanging match went on for over an hour and 40 minutes inside the bar , and then for another four hours outside the club , before the police were finally called to restore peace and tranquillity to the neighbourhood.
In all over 4000 highly defamatory insults were exchanged , many of which deviated away from their shortcomings and failings at bridge , steering towards their sexual inadequacies, physical deformities and psychological disorders. Inevitably , their family , friends , and lifestyle habits also came under the spotlight for another avalanche of derisory snubs and mocking contempt. With every avenue of attack skilfully used  , each had tried in vain to find ways of cutting the other down with barbed comments , insulting remarks and devastating accusations
The slanging match , of course , ended in an ignoble draw, two arrests and two hefty fines. 

ONE OF THE MANY GUINNESS BOOK RECORDS CURRENTLY HELD BY MEMBERS OF THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB...............

The Shortest Ever Partnership
On February 23rd 2007,  Ivor " Short Fuse " Malone was obliged to partner the Thursday night stand-by , Tony " Quick Temper " Lewis , after being told that his regular partner had taken his own life hours earlier , having throwing himself off a bridge in front of a fast approaching high speed train.
With both players renown for their highly volatile and unforgiving nature , this ill-fated partnership was doomed from the start. It was , in the words of Chairman Bigot-Johnson , " a powder keg of raw emotion and simmering hostilities in the making ". With arguments quickly developing over what system card to play to and who should occupy the North seat , the pair split up before playing a single card. On the very first board both players elected not to bid on their respectable 11 point hands , and so a pass out was entered onto the score sheet . Inevitably they got into a raging argument about who was to blame for missing a two no trump contract . This was immediately followed by a second row over whether or not eight tricks could have been made on competent defence. 
However , when Ivor went for the bridgemate with malicious intent , Tony immediately took evasive action by running off towards the exit door in a zig zag fashion. Once out of range , he turned round screaming " I'm damned if I'm playing another hand with you ....you bastard ! ". Seconds later he was gone never to be seen again.   

WHAT A REALLY GOOD BRIDGE TEACHER NEEDS TO BE................... (  Based on an original work by of one of the world's greatest philosophers , Kahlil Gibran ) 

No doubt we all have views in this subject , on which on great deal of common ground can be found and agreed upon. 
However , I firmly endorse the words of Kahlil Gibran , who believed that no bridge teacher can reveal to his/her students anything " but that which already lies half asleep in the dawning of their knowledge ",  along with their innate feel for playing cards. A good teacher does not set to impart his knowledge and wisdom ,  but rather his enthusiasm and passion for the game.
Wisdom cannot be taught like algebraic equations , and so a good teacher will adopt the role of an inspirational guide ,  motivating students to go down the untrodden paths of understanding , which as it happens are mapped out in all the unexplored areas of their minds. 
" The musician may sing to you of the rhythm which is in all space , but he cannot give you the ear which arrests the rhythm , nor the voice that echoes it ".
So yes , a really good teacher will inspire and help you to commence that journey , and be there at the side of the road to utter words of reassurance , comfort and encouragement. But how one uses , efficiently and effectively , the kit bag of tools he/she handed out at the start depends , of course , on which paths are chosen and far along each road a student is prepared to travel . 

BRIDGE BOOKS CURRENTLY FLOODING THE MARKET BUT GREAT TO DROWN YOUR SORROWS IN......
(  Recommended by Pun )

• My Partner Has Got A Lot On Her Chest At This Moment..........May I. Feelham
• My Game Has Really Gone Off The Boil..................................Luke Warme
• Tell Me , Just How Good Is Your Partner Then ?........................Dizzy Shagwell
• As Chairman I'm The One Who Calls All The Shots Here............Paul N. Rank
• Anyone Who Is Prepared To Partner Him Deserves A Medal......George Cross
• I Hate Players Who Are Born Defeatists....................................Ken Knott-Duett
• The Only Way To Describe How The Slaughter House Is Run.....May Hemm
• We Weren't Just Beaten We Were Thoroughly Thrashed............Ariel Lickin
• He's Up Before A Disciplinary For Assaulting A Lady..................Didi Striker
• When We Were 40 Imps Down Partner Threw In The Towel.........Gavin E. Sulley 

 

 Footnote : The hand in question can be seen below. On one table West kicked off with the queen of spades , while on the other table an inspired and killing diamond lead was found.

FURTHER
INTO THE
THE AGM
BIGOT 
FIRMLY
PUTS
A RATHER
DISGRUNTLED
MEMBER
INTO THE
PICTURE
........

THE COMPLETE BRIDGE PLAYER......... ( Profile by Pun )


No way is it good enough to just have a bridge brain ,  possessing real flair and technique in the bidding and play of the cards. The complete bridge player  needs to have many more strings attached to his/her bow. If competitive bridge arenas have become unforgiving battle fields , then those who enter the fray , with visions of conquering all ,  must do so possessing all these essential attributes :

1.  Rhino thick skin capable of withstanding all manner of barbed comments and pointed 
     remarks
2.  A sharp tongue of their own capable of cutting down anyone who is about to launch a
     psychological attack 
3.  Ice cool composure in situations when pressure and stress would cause weaker men to 
     cave in
4. Unbending will power to suppress all those crippling, self-destructive doubts and  
    emotions which come from within
5. An iron fist capable of flooring any opponent
6. Nerves of steel
7. Hard nose attitude towards those who are less than ethical and honest
8. A brass neck capable of delivering impudence and cheek to regain that competitive edge
9. The Midas touch when tough calls and decisions have to be made 
10. Silver tongue eloquence when smooth talking is the order of the day
11. Crystal clear thinking to accompany instant razor sharp analysis  
12. A compiled list of golden rules on which future successes are guaranteed 
   

HOW TO SURVIVE IN A WORLD OF BRIDGE BULLIES AND NASTY PLAYERS.......( Article by Bigot-Johnson ) 

I don't believe in the Nanny State placing the responsibility of  a player's mental welfare on the shoulders of altruistic minded committee members. Zero tolerance at the Slaughter House is a no-no. The onus is on all players to look after themselves. To man up. To stand their ground. To give as good as they get. 
Mind you,  I'm not without sympathy and concern for those who are numpties or new to the game , possessing delicate egos and wimpish character traits. I'm here to help them overcome all the flak and abuse which will surely come their way ,  by providing each and everyone with my special Bigot-Johnson's Survival Kit ( priced at a modest £100 ).
This essential kit consists of the following :
1. A small thin piece of hard wood to bite into prior to an apoplectic fit coming on 
2. A muffle cushion to scream into confident in the knowledge that others will not be disturbed
3. Valium tablets to help calm down growing anxieties and stress-related symptoms
4.  Heavy duty , metal capped , boots guaranteed to avoid injuries from those who love to step
     on a few toes 
5. Extremely strong pain killers should partner's relentless haranguing bring on severe and  
    persistent headaches
6. Ear plugs for when a rest is urgently needed from the relentless barrage of barbed  
    comments , spiteful remarks and nasty insults coming from partners and opponents alike 
7. A face visor in case of any airborne attacks by flying bridgemates  
8. A small pocket version of the Bible for spiritual comfort and inspiration to carry on against
    all adversity
9. A whole load of lucky mascots and charms in the vain hope one or two might work 
10. A large brown paper bag ( with pre-cut holes ) as improvised head-ware if wishing to
      keep one's identity as " that idiot player " a well kept secret    

MORE
GOINGS
ON AT
THE
SLAUGHTER
HOUSE
BRIDGE
CLUB'S
AGM
........

JOHNNY TELLS BIGOT TO GET BACK TO BASICS

When it comes to defending slams , always be prepared to find yourself the victim of a squeeze. This hand proved to be a tale of woe for the impulsive and reckless Bigot.
After West opened the bidding with a pre-emptive 3H South still finished up bidding 6NT. Bigot ( East ) held a slam breaking A1097.....98.....J1096 ...962
Not surprisingly partner's opening lead was the queen of hearts, which Johnny Supremo as declarer won with the king. At trick two the spade switch went to dummy's jack , which Bigot pounced upon with the Ace. Slam made : no problem. 
Johnny won the heart return, and cashed four top clubs, on which poor Bigot had to find a discard from either his spade or diamond suit. Whatever choice he made declarer was home making 2H, 4C, 4D and 2S.... or 2H, 4C, 3D, and 3S. Because Johnny had rectified the count Bigot was unable to protect both these suits. 
The living legend turned to Bigot and said "  That defence of yours was not so much heavy handed but naive. You really must get back to the basics of this game ".
" Listen up you smart arse......I assumed......quite rightly in my opinion..... that partner must have an outside honour to go with his 7 card heart suit.....therefore it seemed right to clear the heart suit.....but that brainless idiot was bidding on filth again ".
Johnny smiled.  "There was no need whatsoever to rely on partner. If he has a quick trick in either clubs or diamonds he would surely make that in the fullness of time. Your first requirement was to stop declarer rectifying the count , by ducking the first two rounds of spades , if only to protect yourself from being squeezed. Declarer can only come to 11 tricks.  This means you didn't need the minor miracle of partner winning a trick to beat the slam. "
As Bigot walked away to ask the bar steward for the muffle cushion , everyone could hear the same word being repeated over and over again. 
" Bugger....bugger.....bugger.....bugger.....bugger..... "

The full hand was : 

LAW REPORT : BIGOT-JOHNSON v. SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB ( 2014)

Yes , the unbelievable finally happened. Bigot was thrown out of his own club after falling victim to a mutiny carried out the rank and file members. Bypassing the requirements of a disciplinary hearing , Bigot had been declared insane and therefore stripped off all his chairmanship and membership rights. As a consequence he decided to sue for damages , and reinstatement , alleging wrongful expulsion , malicious persecution , defamation and general beastliness. Electing as usual to fight his own corner , the following extract from the trial's transcript reveals a crucial turning point in this remarkable case.

Counsel for the defendants ( CD ) : You Bigot-Johnson are completely insane
B-J : I refute that suggestion. 
CD : Did you not break into Pantopod's house in the dead of night.. and steal his king-size duvet ?
B-J : No...
CD : A crime which you avoided prosecution..... by means of a big cover up
B-J : No comment....
CD : And look at you now .....still dressed up like the ancient mariner with that ridiculous striped top, flared white trousers and ludicrous white cap
B-J : I was never able to get hold of an Admiral Nelson's outfit 
CD : And what about the time a butterfly landed on your hand during a game of duplicate .....whereupon you began to gently stroke it
B-J : What's insane about that ?
CD : Before you ate it
B-J : God....is that all the evidence you've got to establish the fact I'm bonkers
CD : Far from it......because on the same night you wiped your dirty brown sticky fingers on your partner's white summery dress
B-J : The men's toilet had run out of paper ....
CD : Ah , but not let's forget that on every occasion of a full moon , you were reportedly seen going outside between rounds to howl and scream like a deranged banshee 
B-J : Well, if you had partners like mine so would you !
CD : So please explain to the court why you conduct all the club's AGMs in the dark ?
B-J : Listen you muppet head .....when the only other option is to have a hundred or more faces looking dangers at you.....full of hatred , anger , contempt , and deep loathing......wouldn't you prefer to conduct the proceedings with the lights out
CD : Moving on....I have evidence to show the court that you have read dozens of bridge books on technique..... the content of which of completely ignore. You under perform ...even against rabbits....yet you claim to be a top player.....and you sponsor professionals to partner you , despite the fact they have complete contempt for you as a human being , ripping you off for thousands of pounds on each and every occasion
B-J :  Those statements would describe dozens of other bridge players as well
Judge : I'm sorry Bigot....the arguments do strongly suggest you're a complete fruitcake
B-J : Hold on your honour..... madness can only be established when one cannot distinguish fantasy from reality ....or when one adopts the same course of action , with steady perseverance, in the belief that the outcome will be different.....completely oblivious to the fact that the result will always be the same.....
Judge : Yes.....yes....please continue... 
B-J : Well , apart from me...... everyone spends their whole lives wearing strait-jackets of conformity.......pretending to be someone they are not........living up to other people's expectations and standards....simply to gain their acceptance and respect. In other words they live a lie.....a fantasy in fact ......refusing to accept and embrace the ugly , perhaps primitive , reality of who they really are..... that is what I call insanity. 
Judge : Bigot ....I see where you are coming from. Why look at me.....I'm wearing a wig with a full head of real hair.......I'm described as sitting on a bench when it fact it is a chair.....and I constantly fantasize I'm still a man when the reality is I have a serious erectile dysfunction problem. So yes....I declare that you are not barking mad......but we are.....and as a result I am prepared to award your reinstatement , damages and costs
B-J : Hoorah for that......and I must go over to my seat and thank the King of the Potato People for all his help and support during this trial
Judge : I can't see him anywhere....
B-J : You wont you silly bugger.....he's only 3 inches tall ....and invisible to those who don't know him personally 

MEANWHILE BACK AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB PLANNING AND PLOTTING WAS TAKING PLACE.....

ANOTHER NEARLY ALMOST TRUE STORY .......( From Bridgemeister Gibson )

The historical origins of many words make both fascinating and interesting reading. Take for instance the word " SNAFU " , which according the Oxford English Dictionary means a state of chaos and/or confusion. This acronym was first coined by the members of the Slaughter House Bridge Club, when despairing of the constant chaos and mayhem that went on around them. For these poor beleaguered souls Bigot's hapless stewardship of the club was nothing short of shambolic, being politely described as  "situation normal : all fucked up ".
Indeed , the acronym based on this phrase was yet another great example of English euphemism, designed to satirise an appalling state of affairs , by stripping off the veneer of comforting illusions and cosy half-truths , and saying what needs to be said ,  albeit in a pleasant and inoffensive way.
Needless to say , the members of the Slaughter House created a whole load more of euphemistic acronyms, none of which ever gained acceptance as legitimate words. All of them were variations on the same theme , reflecting the various different kinds of cock ups and catastrophes that can befall badly managed bridge clubs. The following list contains just a few of the best :

• GFU : general fuck up
• MFU : management fuck up
• TOFU : typically outrageous fuck up
• SAMFU : Self adjusting management fuck up
• SUSFU : situation unchanged still fucked up
• TARFU :  things are really fucked up
• FUBAR : fucked up beyond all recognition
• SAPFU : surpassing all previous fuck ups
• TUIFU :  the ultimate in fuck ups    

A NEARLY ALMOST TRUE STORY........ ( From Bridgemeister Gibson ) 

For decades a rather over worked phrase  "  yarmouth man "  has been used to describe players regularly attending , and blighting , bridge clubs in and around the Norfolk area of England. In recognition of its popular and widespread use ,  the phrase has finally been added to the latest edition of the Bridge Players' Glossary of Terms.
Players who fit the definition of yarmouths are those  " constantly shouting at inept partners holding the insane belief that the louder they speak, the more likely these numpties will listen and take on board their criticisms ". Indeed , the first recorded incident , when this term was first coined , occurred at the 1954 Swiss pairs tournament in Norwich. A certain foul mouthed gentleman rose up from his seat to lambaste his hapless partner for a full five minutes , before two TDs were able to calm him down. At a nearby table one little old lady was heard to say " I bet you any money he's a Yarmouth man " , a description of course which then became synonymous with that dreadful kind of behaviour.   
    

NEWSFLASH :  BIGOT-JOHNSON IGNORES WORDS OF WARNING CONFIDENT IN HIS BELIEF THAT WHAT LIES AHEAD IS JUST PLAIN SAILING................

( Postscript : There's an old proverb which river-faring navigators were always told to remember ....." Look before the fall ". But true to form when Bigot was brought to court to face criminal negligence charges , he vehemently argued " my map simply showed a right-angled bend in the river ! " )

BRIDGE BOOKS TO TICKLE YOUR FANCY...... ( As recommended by Pun )

• You Should Have Seen The Hand I Picked Up The Other Night..........Ariel Belter
• With All These Resignations Committee Posts Are Up For Grabs.....Annie Taikers
• My Partner's Been Threatening To Burn The Clubhouse Down...........Egor N. Dunnett 
• Bigot-Johnson Has Found A New Way Of Financing The Club...........Poppy Fields
• Can You Please Speed Up And Play As Fast As You Can !..............Pat  A. Cakeman
• Someone Needs To Tell That Player To Stop Rabbiting On..............Hugo Furst
• She Wasn't  Fazed At All By Having To Play Against The Best............Helda Nurv
• Why Is She Desperately Looking For Another Partner ?..................Herman Lefter
• Bridge Is Not A Game For Those With Cardiac Muscle Problems.......Dickie Haart
• What Punishment Have The Committee Dreamed Up This Time ?.......Bea Heddin

WHAT PRIVATELY OWNED BRIDGE CLUBS WILL HAVE TO DO TO SURVIVE

Several questions arise when discussing today’s Bridge Club’s survivability.  What is causing them to fail? What can they do to avoid insolvency?  What is the attitude towards Bridge Club lifestyle by the next generation of players?  Just to mention a few. 
So why are bridge clubs losing members by the dozen in an aging society ?  For if the game of bridge appeals to older people then there must be a bigger market to aim today than ever before. So which generation needs to be targeted as the best potential market for new members ? Gimmicks or tricks are not certainly not going to work on the over 40 year olds for sure. There have been a number of initiatives put into place over the years to court younger members, but none have long lasting effects.  The solutions to Bridge Club survivability will come once committees see they have to change direction.

If clubs are to survive they will need to offer things the current and future members want or need.  How they do this is to take a look at the problems they currently have and not brush away what is not working until they understand why they are not working.  From that review will come the answer to the questions on what clubs will have to do to survive. When members’ attendance for instance starts to drop off , ask them why the bridge experience is losing its appeal.

So lets take a look at what some of the problems bridge clubs have that threaten their existence and where there are opportunities for change.

Aging Membership

It is true that many clubs failed fail miserably in marketing department given the limited resources and know how at their disposal. Recruitment to membership through putting on bridge classes seems to be their one and only marketing initiative.  For the most part fail to have a marketing plan and see no need for one ,  since they rely on their members to recruit new ones. That depends of course on members feeling positive and enthusiastic about their club . Word of mouth gave can be a powerful advertising medium , but equally negative comments can have a devastating effect.

If therefore the majority of elderly members , in the autumn of their life and having to leave the club for health or financial reasons,  is more than the current members and class teachers can recruit replacements from their network of students and friends , then a crisis looms large. Committees will be left with looking outside the box for the first time to fill their membership books.  This means the older establishment in charge of the club , so often stuck in their ways, must reach out further  to attract the younger generations to take up this wonderful game. But, will this solve their problems?

Aging Facilities

Many bridge clubs are very old buildings and need a tremendous investment to undertake the complete reconstruction of their infrastructure.  Why these clubs let their facilities get near dilapidation usually is based on a bad decisions by committees years before.  Of course, that ‘Stuck in their ways’ attitude comes up many times as a reason.

With a declining membership the funds needed to completely rebuild and refurbish clubhouses are just not going to be available.  This situation does not make recruiting younger members an easy task.

Debt Ridden

In the age of austerity, bridge clubs are sucking in the air of failing economies.  More donations are required along with new revenue streams and profit centres. The facilities need to be put to additional or alternative uses. If club houses are privately owned then any spare room capacity could be rented out to other businesses,  clubs and societies.   For example yoga classes ( for all those bridge members who want to keep their bodies are supple as their minds  would be a very complimentary option. Moreover turning the club into a mind sports centre, which perhaps encourage those who are into chess, scrabble and war games to help expand the membership base.     All committees need to take a hard look at their options and get proactive by selling their club to a wider market , rather than throwing in the towel and allowing membership numbers to fall.

Boring

Bridge is and should always be promoted as a wonderfully addictive game , which has huge appeal and endless fascination for those who relish mental challenges and problem solving scenarios.     The game must never therefore be allowed to be used in the same sentence as boring.  This requires club administrators to instil a reasonable tempo in completing boards , and cracking down on serial slow players. When table movements are held up repeatedly by the same slow players , boredom and irritation quickly set in.   

Still, the loss of older members and the costs of infrastructure replacement will result in these troubled clubs becoming acutely aware of the importance of  recruiting new members , because adding more members will help balance the operations budget. 

So, what else is needed to place privately owned bridge clubs on a solid footing to cater for the next generation of bridge players?

Other Things That Might Work

1.   Rewards for members who introduce guests to the club, who then go on to join

2.   Discount subscriptions and table money for young members for the first three years

3.   Membership for the day , week , month and year

4.   Handicap competitions which give all pairs an equal chance of winning

5.   Breaking up of cliques and better integration of new members with older established ones

6.   Improved communication and a real open and transparent dialogue with members

7.   Listening to members and initiating changes they ask for

8.   Evolving an environment with promotes healthy , fair competition , lively social banter and a real sense of belonging

The solution to a club's survival stands on meeting the next generations wants and needs and these wants and needs are based on their social wants and needs.  Private clubs need to look to helping the members improve their enjoyment of the facilities,   and to justify the cost of being a member by providing a deeper purpose of staying on as a member of that club.  The status quo has to be stopped and positive changes made in order to convince players that bridge has so much more to offer.

OPENNESS AND TRANSPARENCY ? THERE'S NO SUCH THING............ ( Article by Carp )

It never ceases to amaze me how those elected into office love to reaffirm their commitment to an era of openness and transparency. In my opinion , this pledge smacks of such blatant hypocrisy , one is left gobsmacked by the effrontery of it all.
The usual scenario for clubs and societies is that officers get re-elected time and time again on a tidal wave of apathy and inertia, with the vast majority of members unwilling to take on the reins of responsibility. Nevertheless ,  in AGM speeches the old chestnut of " striving to be more open and transparent "  is repeatedly banged out as the hallmark of the committee's ongoing commitment to be honest and accountable . Hollow words and false sentiment indeed.
The reality of the situation is very , very different. New elected committee members are immediately instructed by the more senior officers " that what goes on in committee stays in committee ". Moreover , the confidentiality of information becomes a sacred duty never to be broken. Club members must only to be told what they need know , and that the committee of course considers itself to be the best judge of their information needs. In any case members are much happier if left blissfully ignorant about issues or problems that might upset or panic them. 
So when officers are questioned about what is really going on behind the scenes , the stock answer is " read the minutes of the meetings ,  committee notices and the AGM reports . What you need to know is all in there ". Now here comes the rub....
1. Committee meetings are nearly always conducted behind closed doors
2. Minutes all too often appear months after the date of the meeting
3. Minutes are kept so brief they say virtually nothing at all
4. Silence is always perceived as no misrepresentation 
5. Minutes are skillfully worded in order to sanitise the dirty laundry that cannot be avoided 
6. Decisions are mentioned but never the reasons behind them
7. Personal interest , involvement or motives behind decisions are never declared
8. Being economical with the truth is always the guiding mantra behind any release of 
     information
9. Only one-sided, highly jaundiced versions on controversial issues are published 
10. Delaying the release of awkward information becomes the effective way of hiding it
11. Putting a positive spin on negative information is therefore the next best thing to burying it

Clearly , the aim of the game is to generate misinformation and/or disinformation so as to keep the truth from coming out into the open. Spin doctoring is not just the remit for accomplished politicians : it is a facet of The Human Condition. When knowledge is power , and control of the masses requires the control of information ,  how else would you expect rational people to behave ?
    

    

NEWSFLASH :
SLAUGHTER
HOUSE 
BRIDGE
CLUB
CHAIRMAN
UNFAZED 
BY
TREASURER'S
CONCERNS
......
......
......  

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : SYNCOPATION SANDY SYNDROME

Not many people have heard of this rare and unusual affliction, which was first diagnosed and named after a half-crazed musician set a world record for the longest stint of piano playing. For all those in attendance the experience was particularly unpleasant , having to listen to the same old tune being banged out again....and again....and again
In the bizarre world of bridge far too many players suffer from the syncopation sandy syndrome , forever droning on about the time they took a top off an international pair , or rubbed shoulders with one of the world's best . These , or any other rare moments of glory and fame , will be retold countless times , never allowing their audience to forget or overlook such treasured moments. The constant banging out of the same old stories quickly develops into an all consuming  obsession, which completely dominates their conversations with fellow bridge players . 
Indeed , one self-proclaimed professional up North is still beating his drum about how and why is bidding system is superior to anything else out there. Indeed , the one and only time the system actually put him into a makeable game , when no one else in the room managed to find or let alone get near , has now become the irrefutable evidence to relentlessly hammer home the virtues of his beloved system.   
    

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED.......

• Result :  fixing up a weekend congress with the fittest lady in the club
• Good result : a fruitful weekend congress when everything went to plan
• Bad result : confined to separate bedrooms
• Post mortem discussion : after match conversations destined to point the finger of blame elsewhere 
• Deliberation : the process of examining one's options when bidding or playing the cards , which conveniently enables partner to determine significant features about your hand  
• Delayed raise : an unfortunate state of affairs corrected only by a bigger dose of viagra
• Cock up : ( a ) regular occurrence when non-expert players attempt to make difficult contracts ( b )  when things go to plan at a weekend congress 
• Bar room talk : a common practice in which to commit character assassinations without thought or temptation , based on subconscious impulses born out of prejudice and deep loathing 
• Rabbit : an inept player blessed with the kind of ignorance associated with too much in-breeding
• Club chairman :  an appointed officer with a roving commission to lie    

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG.........

Dear Rebecca,
I cannot for the life of me understand why the EBU has refused to sanction my new system of 1 and 2 level multi ( 3-way ) bids.  Heavens above..... the multi 2 diamond bid was approved and licensed without any objections , but there again that's what comes from having a surname like Reese or Flint.
To me this all smacks of double standards and favouritism. Don't bridge governing bodies what a bidding system that completely crucifies rabbits and wooden tops far more effectively that the rather antiquated and blunt-edged multi 2 diamonds convention. 
For instance my multi 1 club promises either a balanced 15-16 , a weak 6 card suit in diamonds, or a hand with 4-4 in the majors , while the 1 diamond promises either a balanced 17-18 , a weak 6 card club suit, or a hand with one good major and a void or singleton in the other.   Indeed this particular bid alone ( when used in rubber bridge ) has earned my partner and I a stack of stunning results and loads of money .

Yours Sick In Despair

Dear SID, 
Let's face it....one smart arse bid is enough to contend when partnering players, who find basic Acol bidding too difficult to comprehend and fully understand.
Your idea of having multi-three way bids on all openings at the 1 and 2 level, which no doubt would involve a system cards running into several pages , would be just another nail in the coffin of a game which is already in terminal decline. Indeed , it could be the thin end of the wedge , allowing the floodgates to open up with numerous mullti 3-way responses ! 
If bidding systems become monstrous complex mazes in which only the inventors can negotiate that elusive path of understanding , then it seems to me that many of the game's top players will left scrabbling around in the dark.
So yes , the EBU did do the right thing.

Yours  " simple bidding systems make for level playing fields " Rebecca Rood


   

NEWSFLASH :
SLAUGHTER
HOUSE BC
CHAIRMAN
FAILS TO
UNDERSTAND
THE FOLLY 
OF REJECTING
APPLICANTS
ON HIGHLY
QUESTIONABLE
GROUNDS
........



( This blog is in remembrance of an old friend of mine who ,  on reapplying to join a club he was once a long standing , well liked , and well respected member , was told to sling his hook............all because of a zero tolerance approach taken against an off-the-cuff , flippant and foolish remark he made . This comment  of course was perceived to be in extremely bad taste by a rather unforgiving committee. )  

SAME BRIDGE CLUB....SAME BAR......SAME WOMAN....AND SAME OLD BIGOT

BRIDGE BOOKS I RECENTLY FOUND IN A CHARITY SHOP ........ ( Bargain buys by Pun )

• Oh No , My Partner's Up To his Old Tricks Again..................................Joe Kerr
• Ouch !  My Partner Has Just Kneed Me In The Crutch.......................... Dick Riley Hertz
• A Little Bird Told Me That You Field Partner's Psychs...........................Seth Who
• Well If You Don't trust Partner's Penalty Double..................................... Bess Pullett
• That Chairman's Speech Went On For Hours.........................................Wendy Auldbag
• The Club's So Much In Debt I Don't Know Where It's Going.....................Belle E. Hupp
• This Damn Game Is Played By Demons , Fiends and Devils...................Ellis Bridge
• Don't Ask Him About That Bridgemate Incident......................................Esau Soddall
• I'll Tell You Why My Days Here Are Numbered.....................................Honor Blacklistz
• Who Is Prepared To Blow The Whistle And Spill the Beans.................... Ewan  I. Shudd

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED......

Rank : the state of the men's toilets after a rather long bridge tournament
Sponsor :  a person who uses his money to play in company way beyond his/her level of 
ability
Inferior contract : one in which the expert soon realises he charged his sponsor far too little , given the enormity of the task of partnering a total jerk
Superior contract :  one in which a third-rate expert seeks out a sponsor stupid enough to pay double the going rate for his services 
Disciplinary hearing : a kangaroo court by any other name , where the committee act as both judge and jury
Part score :  an extremely frustrating outcome for a lady player whose male partner lacked the balls to make a big raise 
Selectors :  a group of people who allow nepotism and/or favouritism  to take precedence over duty , responsibility and objectivity
Private members' club : a place where ever other man is familiar with a Dick , Rod , Nobby , Percy , Peter , Willie , and John Thomas
Pass out : what many men need from their wives to play bridge at weekends
Bottoms : what gay bridge players constantly think about after the duplicate has finished and the night is still young 

  



                                        

BIGOT-JOHNSON GETS CONFRONTED BY AN IRATE MEMBER.......

Member ( M ) : I didn't know that this year's AGM had already taken place ?
B-J: You weren't invited...... just the chosen few who came round to my house for tea and buns
M : Is there anything I need to know about ?
B-J : Nothing important ....other than membership terms have now changed to fixed one year periods, requiring everybody to reapply for membership every 12 months
M : Oh.....and will membership renewal be automatic ?
B-J : Good God no....
M : Oh....so what happens then ?  Who decides ?
B-J : A newly formed select sub-committee will vet all membership renewal applications very closely indeed. No stone will be left unturned. If there are any black marks against a member's name , or skeletons in his cupboard ,  it's curtains for him or her. There's no appeal......their decision is final.
M : Oh....and who's chairing this sub-committee ?
B-J : Me of course......just to make sure nothing goes amiss
M : Oh.... but what was wrong with automatic renewals ?
B-J : You muppethead.....by implementing this twelve monthly re-admission process,  the committee has found a legally fool proof way of getting rid of members who are deemed to have lowered the tone of the place .......as well as those clearly responsible for creating an unpleasant and off putting atmosphere
M : Such as ...?
B-J : What ...you want the full list ?
M : Yes....
B-J : All those members the sub-committee perceives as  tosspots  , awkward bastards , dissidents , trouble-makers, rogues , agitators , sanctimonious know-alls , bad hats , hecklers , firebrands , loud  mouths , gossip mongers, whistle blowers , critics , bible-bashers , inciters , rotten apples , agent provocateurs , stirrers , meddlers , plus a load of other objectionable sorts....
M : So who is likely to survive this cull ?
B-J : Well you're bloody not for sure......asking all these damn impertinent questions
M : This is an outrage.....I see this as an abuse of power ....members could be kicked on any number of whimsical pretexts......especially if their faces don't fit
B-J : Excuse me.....there's no abuse of power......just the exquisite use of power..... replacing problematic, bitterly contested expulsions with trouble-free, easy as pie , ever-so sweet , fait accompli exclusions
M : I'm speechless !
B-J : Hallelujah ..... that saves me the bother of getting my knuckleduster out 
  
   

BENIGN BRIDGE CLUB ( USA ) LEADS THE WAY........

As the club committee moves to towards imposing even stricter zero tolerance rules  , the quest to batter the members into totally compliant , submissive and obedient automatons continues unabated.  Indeed , over the past few months many more new sub-committees have been formed in a bold and calculated attempt to make this 1984 Utopian dream come true. The full list can be seen below :

1.   Vetting Panel for Membership Re-admissions
2.   Dossiers On Members : Compilations and Updates  
3.   Propaganda , Spin Doctoring , Censorship and Sanitisation ( of reports and minutes ) 
4.   Fire Fighting Unit ( specialising in stopping leaks and dealing with major disasters  )
5.   Internal Affairs ( oversight investigations , house rules enforcement and door security )
6.   Uncover Surveillance and Covert Activities  
7.   Fund Raising
8.   New Regulations and Essential Redrafts of the Constitution
9.   Brown Envelope Deliveries  ( payments for information from blabbermouths, weasels,  
      canaries, song birds and stool pigeons ) 
10.  Slush Funds : Off-shore Operations and Concealment  
11.  Legal Issues and Ethics : Avoidance and Circumvention
12.  Emergency and Exit Planning  ( just in case club goes belly up )
  

ANOTHER
YEAR
ON
AND
YET
ANOTHER
WHY-DO-WE
-BOTHER
SLAUGHTER
HOUSE
BRIDGE
CLUB
AGM
........