LAW REPORT : BIGOT-JOHNSON v. SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB ( 2014)

Yes , the unbelievable finally happened. Bigot was thrown out of his own club after falling victim to a mutiny carried out the rank and file members. Bypassing the requirements of a disciplinary hearing , Bigot had been declared insane and therefore stripped off all his chairmanship and membership rights. As a consequence he decided to sue for damages , and reinstatement , alleging wrongful expulsion , malicious persecution , defamation and general beastliness. Electing as usual to fight his own corner , the following extract from the trial's transcript reveals a crucial turning point in this remarkable case.

Counsel for the defendants ( CD ) : You Bigot-Johnson are completely insane
B-J : I refute that suggestion. 
CD : Did you not break into Pantopod's house in the dead of night.. and steal his king-size duvet ?
B-J : No...
CD : A crime which you avoided prosecution..... by means of a big cover up
B-J : No comment....
CD : And look at you now .....still dressed up like the ancient mariner with that ridiculous striped top, flared white trousers and ludicrous white cap
B-J : I was never able to get hold of an Admiral Nelson's outfit 
CD : And what about the time a butterfly landed on your hand during a game of duplicate .....whereupon you began to gently stroke it
B-J : What's insane about that ?
CD : Before you ate it
B-J : God....is that all the evidence you've got to establish the fact I'm bonkers
CD : Far from it......because on the same night you wiped your dirty brown sticky fingers on your partner's white summery dress
B-J : The men's toilet had run out of paper ....
CD : Ah , but not let's forget that on every occasion of a full moon , you were reportedly seen going outside between rounds to howl and scream like a deranged banshee 
B-J : Well, if you had partners like mine so would you !
CD : So please explain to the court why you conduct all the club's AGMs in the dark ?
B-J : Listen you muppet head .....when the only other option is to have a hundred or more faces looking dangers at you.....full of hatred , anger , contempt , and deep loathing......wouldn't you prefer to conduct the proceedings with the lights out
CD : Moving on....I have evidence to show the court that you have read dozens of bridge books on technique..... the content of which of completely ignore. You under perform ...even against rabbits....yet you claim to be a top player.....and you sponsor professionals to partner you , despite the fact they have complete contempt for you as a human being , ripping you off for thousands of pounds on each and every occasion
B-J :  Those statements would describe dozens of other bridge players as well
Judge : I'm sorry Bigot....the arguments do strongly suggest you're a complete fruitcake
B-J : Hold on your honour..... madness can only be established when one cannot distinguish fantasy from reality ....or when one adopts the same course of action , with steady perseverance, in the belief that the outcome will be different.....completely oblivious to the fact that the result will always be the same.....
Judge : Yes.....yes....please continue... 
B-J : Well , apart from me...... everyone spends their whole lives wearing strait-jackets of conformity.......pretending to be someone they are not........living up to other people's expectations and standards....simply to gain their acceptance and respect. In other words they live a lie.....a fantasy in fact ......refusing to accept and embrace the ugly , perhaps primitive , reality of who they really are..... that is what I call insanity. 
Judge : Bigot ....I see where you are coming from. Why look at me.....I'm wearing a wig with a full head of real hair.......I'm described as sitting on a bench when it fact it is a chair.....and I constantly fantasize I'm still a man when the reality is I have a serious erectile dysfunction problem. So yes....I declare that you are not barking mad......but we are.....and as a result I am prepared to award your reinstatement , damages and costs
B-J : Hoorah for that......and I must go over to my seat and thank the King of the Potato People for all his help and support during this trial
Judge : I can't see him anywhere....
B-J : You wont you silly bugger.....he's only 3 inches tall ....and invisible to those who don't know him personally