DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : THE IRRITABLE MALE SYNDROME

The Irritable Male Syndrome is medical condition I should have talked about months ago, since it is so prevalent in Bridge Clubs around the world. This distressing disorder is easily recognised given a whole wadge of emotional and behavioural symptoms, which cannot be mistaken for anything else. These include hypersensitivity, anxiety, frustration and anger, which all occur in males when their hormonal levels are adversely affected by stress. Then, in no time at all we see acute IMS sufferers turning into sarcastic, impatient hostile, unloving, withdrawn, tense, demanding, argumentative, defensive, dissatisfied and sad, toe-rags.

Indeed, whenever men put themselves under intense pressure, stress levels rise while testosterone levels suddenly plummet. Apparently, it is the elevated levels of stress hormones like cortisol , which seriously impair the testosterone levels in the blood. Strangely, the condition was first noted in sheep by a Welsh hill farmer," Hump " Ramsbottom who, by inserting drugs into male sheep to reduce their testosterone levels, was taken back by the sudden onset of ovine irritability and aggression.

A recent book by Hugo N. F. Hoff, " The Irritable Male Syndrome : What The Blue Blazes Is This All About ? " , is one of the first to be published on this subject. Basing all his research on his observations of male bridge players in action, he tried in vain to increase the awareness of this condition to those concerned. Despite all his begging and pleading to get them to seek treatment it was a lost cause, such was their determination to remain forever in self-denial.

However, the main problem for psycho-analysts is that the real occurrence of this syndrome may not be apparent until it is too late. Nearly all bridge players fail to identify the onset of any emotional symptoms they, or others, are experiencing. Yet surveys show that vast percentages of these irritable men rant on constantly about their persistent stress (76%), a strong fear of failure (65%), and intense dissatisfaction with their partners (80%).

The condition can be treated, but this involves involves drastic lifestyle changes.....the first of which is to give up bridge !

BIGOT

SETS

MEMBERS

AN

EXCITING

NEW

CHALLENGE

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( A scene from inside the toilets of the Slaughter House Bridge Club )

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY.................................

• Average : sadly, the level at which very few bridge players rarely go beyond
• Club expert : what an average player claims to be in the company of impressionable beginners
• Club professional : a " label " an average player will create for him/herself when possessed by delusions of grandeur
• Leap : a reckless practice adopted by many average players, when blindly punting games or slams. It usually occurs when they find themselves completely in the dark as to how to bid the hand with guile and intelligence
• Logical thinking : a cognitive skill which average players are known to lack. This inability is in strict accordance with an incredible talent to overlook, misinterpret, and misunderstand crucial information
• Ride : what " oh-yes-we-know-what-we-doing " average players are taken for, as evidenced by the countless times they are tricked into making a " sucker's double "

BRIDGE BOOKS WITH A BIT OF BITE.......... ( Snappy reviews by Pun )

• Bridge Players Love A Good Scrap........by R. G. Bargee is a collection of shocking accounts regarding some of the biggest rumpuses ever to take place in major bridge tournaments. Some of the stories take some believing, in that the smallest incidents often gave rise to the biggest brawls ever to be seen in the world of green baize tables.
• What I Get Up To At Gay Bridge Clubs........by Alec Todgers is a frank and revealing insight as to what really goes on inside these new, up-and-coming, new clubs. The author explains in graphic detail what newcomers really enjoyed about their initial experience at these ultra friendly and welcoming places. Often bridge became secondary to the pleasure generated by the social intercourse and interaction between the members.
• Like Many Other Top Women Players I'm Up For Hire.....by Ariel Hussey is a very readable book that explores the world of bridge professionals, sponsorship and high-stakes rubber bridge. Although few women have chosen to make a living out of bridge, those who gave it a real good go have gone on to earn a small fortune. These pros in no time at all built up client lists that included big name politicians, wealthy industrialists, and well known film stars.
• It Pays To Have No Scruples If You Want To Win At Bridge........E. Morrell may be a book that many find hard to stomach. The author sets out to explain why having scruples will hinder one's chances of succeeding in big tournament venues, where the heated battle becomes one of dog eat dog. Any one with with a moral conscience, and a sense of what is right and wrong, will be mercilessly exploited by those who haven't. Therefore, to compete on a level playing field, it is necessary to sink to their level. In a nutshell that means playing " devious and dirty ".

LAW REPORT : R v. BIGOT-JOHNSON ( May 2011 )

It came as no surprise to the members of the Slaughter House BC that their outrageous chairman had been brought before the Doncaster Crown Court, on a charge of indecent exposure. True to form Bigot turned up to court in just the very same mac, on the pretext that he might be asked by the prosecuting counsel to " re-enact " the alleged offence. Thankfully, to the relief of all those present, this requirement was shelved as Bigot choose not to dispute the facts. As usual he elected to conduct his own defence. A short extract from tthe trial's transcript appears below .

PC : So you agree ....you did flash your naked body to three ladies standing outside your club premises ?

B-J : That's what I said.....but my actions did not amount to a crime.........since they were not indecent.......just a little bit of harmless fun

PC : Well, Bigot....let's look at how the law goes about defining " indecent ". The word, I agree, is difficult to define in precise terms. However, the law has managed to get around any difficulties by being very specific as to its consequences. Under the Sexual offences Act 2003 the law makes it a crime for a man....to expose his genitals. Not only is the actus reus that precise.....but for a conviction, the exposure must be intentional and the culprit must intend that someone will see.... and be caused " alarm or distress "

B-J : Really ?

PC : Indecent acts therefore are contrary to local moral or other standards of appropriate behavior. In essence, they are contrary to standards adopted by religious and moral people, or contrary to the standards necessary to keep and maintain public order

B-J : Yes...yes....yes...

PC : Your actions clearly amounted to gross exhibitionism.......using your nude body in public to shock and offend onlookers.......OPENLY challenging community standards of modesty

B-J : That's all well and good ranting on like that........ but let me tell you that the male human form is a thing of beauty.....designed by God himself

PC : Not in your case.......... if the descriptive comments in the witness statements are anything to go by !

B-J : Yes, but everyone outside the club seemed to be laughing and thoroughly enjoying themselves

PC : Laughter....is often used as a coping strategy to deal with shock and distress

B-J : Ah.....but what about a citizen's right to use whatever means of communication he has available to him ? Do we not live in a society that believes in freedom of speech, and freedom of expression ?

PC : But the 3 visiting lady players had only asked you to point them in the direction of the entrance door. Using "Percy Pecker " as a pointer was..... to say the least........ highly inappropriate , given that a normal person would have used their arm and finger

B-J : Well, I guess my final defence comes down to the fact that half of my bridge club members have no moral standards whatsoever. No way can these people claim to be offended by my behaviour. Why.......they are nothing more than a bunch of freeloaders, cheats, abusers, bullies and back-stabbers, full of sexist and racists attitudes....... and to call them geriatric misfits would be a gross understatement. As for the other bloody half...... they have had so many years of witnessing, or falling victim to, their grotesque crimes, they have become so numbed by the experience nothing now is capable of shocking them..............

PC : By God you're right....

Judge : Too right....why my next door neighbour is a bridge player.....and he is forever abandonning and neglecting his family...... by going off to play bridge every night and every weekend. Such a selfish, heartless, amoral bastard. As far as I'm concerned this case is well and truly over......... and you Bigot are free to go. However, I must remind you to keep that mac buttoned up, because out there.... in the streets of Doncaster are decent ordinary folk..... who would certainly be prepared to kill...... if ever provoked or offended by the likes of you

B-J : Bugger me your honour.......thanks for the warning

PROFESSOR HU CHI KU CHI INVESTIGATES ONCE AGAIN THE MEN v. WOMEN DEBATE

Everyone I know has a view on whether or not men have established themselves as better bridge players than women. So unless we subject everyone to a bridge IQ test , which can accurately measure a player's real talent and potential, we may never know the answer.

Certainly, men seem to possess a stronger desire to win, and a determination to succeed at the highest level. This suggests that it may be more informative to compare the performances of the 2 sexes in club competitions, where the fields are generally made up of everyday duplicate players. If the presumption holds true ( that men are better bridge players than women ), then one would expect " all male " pairs to dominate the top 10 placings.

So I want along to Sheffield's biggest bridge club to record the results of their last 3 Swiss Pairs events :

New Year : 30 pairs ( 11 MM, 11 MW, 8 WW ) Male pairs finished Ist, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 7th=, 9th=,9th=. One mixed pair finished 7th=, while two female pairs finished 5th and 6th. )

Easter : 26 pairs ( 13 MM, 8 MW, 5 WW ) Male pairs finished Ist, 3rd=, 5th, 6th, 7th =, 9th, 10th ). Mixed pairs finished 2nd, 3rd=, 7th= ), while the best of the female pairs finished a disappointing 16th.

May Day: 28 pairs ( 8 MM, 13 MW, 7 WW ). Male pairs finished Ist, 3rd, 5th, 7th=, 7th= 9th ). Mixed pairs finished 2nd, 6th, 10th, while one female pair finished 4th.

So the evidence seems compelling : in all 3 competitions male pairs dominated the top 10 positions, winning all 3 trophies. Over the 3 events the participation ratio of men to women was 96 : 72, but the ratio of top ten placings comparing men to women was a staggering 47:13.

But does this prove conclusively that men generally speaking are better players ? It may indicate that men 's inherent desire to win drives them to play with each other, regarding this course of action as " their best bet " . Some women, who are known to have a competitive streak about them, may also be looking for strong male partners as their first choice. If unsuccessful, they will either settle for any male floaters still knocking around, or opt to play with highly rated, unattached lady players . Finally, for most women who lack that competitive desire, they might well choose to play with each other, simply to have a good day out playing cards with people, who are far less " touchy and demanding ".

Now if anyone feels the need want to challenge my conclusions please go ahead, but I'm afraid you cannot challenge the evidence that has been presented.

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : THE HUMPTY DUMPTY TRAGEDY

This disorder, strangely, is named in reference to its cause rather than its consequences. Basically, it is brought on by the cumulative abuse heaped upon victims by their unrelenting, unforgiving partners, who in the end decide to " dump " them. These unsavoury people, renown for getting the " hump " , can never cope well playing with inferiors, and so it is only a matter of time before they push the these hapless players over the edge. Even for these sadistic bullies, enough is enough ( or as they say in France " un oeuf est un oeuf " ) .

This final rejection has terrible consequences in that the victims have their self-belief completely destroyed. Their self-esteem. self-value, self-worth and self-confidence have all plummeted to zero. Their fragile shell-like egos have been smashed to bits, and no one seems able to pick up the pieces to start the process of rebuilding.

Indeed, the victims with this disorder get so cracked up by the whole experience, they inevitably suffer from a complete mental breakdown. No matter how many kings' ransoms are paid over to professional experts like me, apparantly nothing can be done for them. The real tragedy is that victims can never be put back together again as happy confident bridge players.

The last client I had with this affliction was, in my view, " completely off the wall " , almost certifiable. When I broke the news to him that he was incurable, he quietly stepped outside my office I laid down in front of an on-coming 10 ton truck. His body was scrambled all over the road. Such a terrible tragedy......but that is of course the nature of this shattering condition.

NEWS

" FLASH "

BY PUN :

BIGOT'S

ARRIVAL AT CLUB

CAPTURED ON CAMERA

TRIGGERS

SHOCKING

HEADLINES

IN UK PRESS

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" BIGOT FINALLY REVEALS HIS PLAYING CREDENTIALS "

" SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB'S MOST PROMINENT MEMBER CATCHES LADIES OFF GUARD "

" WITH DEVELOPMENTS IN MIND, BIGOT POINTS THE WAY FORWARD "

" DESPITE THE NEW INFORMAL DRESS CODE , BIGOT STILL COMES UP SHORT "

" AS THE CLUB CELEBRATES ITS 25th ANNIVERSARY BIGOT RISES TO THE OCCASION "

" CLUB CHAIRMAN STRIVES TO MAKE A GRAND ENTRANCE "

" BIGOT'S BEST EVER RAISE ....... "

" TAILS

OF WOE "

FROM

INSIDE

THE

SLAUGHTER

HOUSE BC'S

LEGAL

OFFICE

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" Listen Bigot.......you want me to put in an appeal ..........talk about the blind leading the blind....... Jesus, can't you recall.......YOU and your cronies got so carved up in court a week ago, I turned round to my junior counsel and said " Did you ever see such a thing in your life ! "

BIGOT INTRODUCES HIS " NAUGHTY HATS "...............

Even at the Slaughter House BC ( where usually anything goes ) Bigot was experiencing far too many incidents of inappropriate behaviour at the tables. Already the club has lost several window panes due to flying bridgemates. Far too many members had acquired a reputation for being troublesome, awkward and darn right nasty. How dare they aspire to the antics of the club's beloved chairman. Whatever next ?

Drastic action was needed. The problem seemed to be spiralling out of control. The solution was obvious. All culprits were obliged to wear the brightly labelled " naughty hats " which were , to put it mildly , very large cone-shaped monstrosities. These could easily be piled one top of another all evening long......if need be.......as symbols of shame, and items of ridicule and utter embarrassment.

All those with hats, removal of them required payment of a fine : £5 for the first, £10 for the second, £20 for the third ....and so on.

Sadly for Bigot, this radical new approach to behaviour control has failed to stop the problem of widespread misconduct. However, the club is now one of the richest in the country. Its cash assets stand at a staggering £43,652 .....and still rising. This has enabled the club to boost membership by drastically reducing table money, and offering big cash prizes in all competitions and duplicate events.

What is it they say about every dark cloud........?

JOHNNY TAKES HIS HAT OFF.............................

Some players have a real flair for bidding. They visualise partner's hand to a tee, instantly recognising what's on. Indeed, many years ago I had the rare experience of being propelled into a slam missing 3 Aces ! Having arrived at 6D through a rapid bidding sequence ( which obviously bypassed blackwood ), I was initially shocked when dummy put down the follwing : (void )..... Qxxx.......AJxx....KQxxx

My aceless, but highly distributinal hand, was : KQJ10xx....x...KQ10xxx....(void )

So there I was on a combined 23 count in 6D with a few Aces to winkle out. Well the first one that appeared was the Ace of hearts, followed by the King which I ruffed in hand. A small spade at trick 3 was ruffed in dummy, and the King of clubs ( covered by the Ace ) was immediately ruffed with glee. The king of spades brought out the Ace, with dummy ruffing high. Trumps were drawn before claiming the rest.

My partner's 6D bid showed a superb analysis of the situation. He certainly knew I had a big 6-6-1-0 hand on my bidding, but it didn't matter whether my singleton was a heart or a club. Twelve tricks were always on, providing the spade suit behaved.

So when the scoresheet revealed we were the first pair to have bid the slam, I felt obliged to take my hat off to him.

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG........................

Dear Rebecca,

Money's tight, and over the years the cost of attending these bloody congresses has bled me dry . However, as I'm still desperate for " greenies " I need to raise some money fast. So being a woman of the world with illustrious contacts, can you put me in touch with a hospital consultant, who knows of an accident victim crying out for a replacement lower limb ?

I've already sold one of my kidneys, and a lobe or two off my liver.......so surely there's an amputee motor cyclist somewhere ...........laid up in hospitable bed wanting a fully functioning left leg ?

Hell.....what do I need a left leg for ?

For a start, I drive an automatic. My drawer at home is full of odd socks. And when I'm not sitting down playing bridge, I'm sitting in front of the telly while my good wife does all the housework, cooking and cleaning.

Heavens above...there must be a market out there for left legs. And if there is, can you find out how much I'm likely to get for a one-off 102 cm white leg, blighted only by the odd varicose vein and pus filled boil.

Yours seriously, R. Dupp

Dear R,

I'm just in the process of seeking psychiatric help myself , after reading far too many distressing letters from people who have been kicked out of their local bridge clubs on the pretext of being " extremely troublesome ". Most of them resorted to self harming and abuse , as a way of punishing themselves for their petty misdemeanours and all round stupidity.

Anyway, getting back to your problem. Well, I'm not sure how much you would get for a left leg. However, have you considered bundling an arm into the deal ? The expression " that will cost someone an arm and a leg " clearly suggests that this particular combo will certainly fetch a five figure sum.

But have you really thought this through ? Once you've signed on the dotted line......legally you wont have a leg to stand on, should you change your mind. So take my advice and down a bottle or two of vodka before making any decision, because this will enable you to get a better idea of what it will feel like being " legless ".

Yours forever putting my pants on one leg at a time, Rebecca

BIGOT GIVES HIS ACADEMY CLASS A REAL LESSON IN BIDDING......

" This week I want you to forget about textbook bidding and focus on tactics. Think about David who confronted Goliath. Think about the mouse who confronted the elephant. What assets did they have ? " None " is the answer. So despite being outgunned, you get into the auction whenever possible , especially if it's white against red. Psyches, pre-empts and light openers are fine, but I'm talking about here are the BIGOT RULES of competitive bidding.....

First up is the ROCKET RULE , which states that as your HCPs head towards zero, then it is time to BLAST OFF when the bidding comes round to you after two opening passes . Stick in any 1 level suit bid you like , and expect the opponents to bounce straight in and reach game contract. Declarer of course will play you for all the outstanding points, only to end up crashing to earth with egg on his face.

Next is the APOLLO RULE , which requires you to shit on opponents from a very great height. This rule only applies when the opponents have found a fit but are unaware of a very nasty trump break. You push them on your tat as high as possible........ hopefully towards an unmakeable contract....one which puts them into the proverbial #### now that you've wellied them with a big hefty "double ".

Best of all is the SWINDLE RULE , which involves you doing the opposite after being asked about your signalling methods. For instance, play low-high with a small doubleton after you've indicated to them you play distributional signals. Partner of course will be programmed to register the fact the swindle rule has been put into operation. In essence, you are giving the opponents an honest answer, one which is supported by what's written on your convention card, but thereafter you do opposite for the remainder of the hand.

Finally, there is my latest gadget called the OPENING DOUBLE RULE . Imagine you are dealt a hand with just a solid 6 card suit, but bugger all else. Too good for a pre-empt, a hand offers little in the way of defensive tricks, and certainly too lop-sided for a one-level opener. So in 3rd position only, after two passes, you open with a double ! Inevitably, the TD will be called and some ruling will be given against you. If you are allowed to correct your bid , you can muddy the waters by bidding a suit below the one you have , partner fully aware of what you've actually got and where to escape to. If you ( or your partner ) are not allowed to bid, the opponents haven't a bloody clue as to what you actually hold, and even if partner is on lead simple detective work will tell him what your suit is. If say...... your opponents sail into 3NT, it's all to easy to beat this contract straightaway by 2 tricks.

And while we're at it why not try this. 1D from partner. One heart over overcall. REDOUBLE FROM YOU. Obviously a natural double would indicate the other two suits, but a redouble shows a hand with a decent heart holding ....but nothing else , especially in diamonds. Again the TD will be called, and no doubt a ruling given against you. If you are required to correct your bid to a double then that's fine..... with partner feeling obliged to pass. If you are barred from bidding , then partner knows exactly what to do when it's his turn to bid next. Simple eh ?

Yes...this is bridge at the cutting edge......so get out there........ and start playing the Bigot Way ! "

A SCENE

FROM

DEEP

INSIDE

THE

CELLARS

OF THE

SLAUGHTER

HOUSE BC

..................................... " I take it you too made a disapproving comment about our chairman "

FLIGHTS OF FANCY.............. ( Article by Carp )

If Victor Mollo had chosen birds instead of animals to demonstrate the absurd and peculiar characteristics of bridge players, then the opportunities for lampooning them would be endless.

So let's look at just a few species of well known birds, picking out their special qualities or behavioural traits , many of which we have come to recognise in players we so regularly encounter.

Magpie - only turns out when there's silverware to be won

Crane - stretches out his/her neck to glance at opponents' cards

Gannet - eats up anything that is handed out for free

Puffin - never misses an opportunity for a fag break

Owl - wisdom personified

Eagle - swoops down on unsuspecting prey, usually from a great height

Tit - a below average player

Bluetit - a below average player who gets really down about losing

Crow - likes to boast about his/her achievements, and ridiculing others in the process

Heron - feeds mercilessly on little fish

Albatross - a weak player who becomes a dead weight around his/her partner's neck

Hawk - a predator who selects weaker players to unleash nasty psyches and super-light pre-empts

Peacock - all show and no substance

Lark - always reverts to fooling around when losing

Parrot - only echoes the views and opinions of others

Cuckoo - makes the same irritating noises at each table

Phoenix - a player who rises up from the bottom to a position at the top

Partridge - a soft target for poachers, game hunters and shooters

THE LATEST NEWS FROM THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB...........

Bigot, despite being a player of great skill and ability, has for countless years left the club's prize giving ceremonies empty handed. Destined never to lay his hands on a trophy, he decided to take the initiative and do something about it.

As chairman, he pushed through a committee meeting a proposal to introduce a new batch of awards, which he knew would go to deserving winners. Awards which would acknowledge members as being a real force to be reckoned with : men loaded with real talent and flair, who have already established themselves as the club's most talked about players.

However, many of his critics believed these awards were just tongue-in-cheek , but not for the serious minded Bigot. For he designed them with only one winner in mind......HIMSELF.

The full list is as follows :

- TONGUE TWISTER AWARD for the player who has demonstrated a complete inability ( through being permanently drunk ) to sequence words together, should they prove too difficult to pronounce quickly or correctly

- DEVIL'S TONGUE AWARD for the player who has been possessed by Lucifer himself, forever hurling ( at partners and opponents alike ) insults , which are nasty, venomous, vile, possibly blasphemous and extremely offensive.

- BROWN TONGUE AWARD for the club member who is nothing more than a sycophantic creep , licking up to those with high profile connections, exulted positions in society, power and wealth.

- MOTHER TONGUE AWARD for the player who has demonstrated an amazing ability to regress back into his early childhood, whereby his first acquired language of grunts, screams, whines and howls, express all too clearly his raw emotions .

- THE SILVER TONGUE AWARD for the player who, when sober, chooses on rare occasions to demonstrate sublime eloquence, reciting well rehearsed speeches , all of which carry massive overtones of glibness and deceptiveness.

- THE FORKED TONGUE AWARD for the player who , when confronted by a TD, resorts to giving completely different accounts as to what really happened at the table

BIGOT'S ACADEMY STUDENTS STRUGGLE TO MAKE PROGRESS...........

Over recent weeks Bigot had been pulling his hair out in frustration. Trying to get this bunch of students into thinking at an advanced level was proving to be " a bridge too far ". So he decided to give them one last chance to redeem themselves.

" Listen you motley crew.......to play bridge well you need to be a good statistician.....someone who uses the data researched from the bidding and early play of the cards, along with knowledge of the probabilities and odds, to arrive at correct conclusions about the rest of the hand.

So to illustrate this point of drawing the correct conclusion from statistical data, I have a little problem for you to go at. Imagine you have been told that 40% of drivers involved in road accidents were under the influence of alcohol. What sensible conclusion can you draw from that ? "

All the students immediately started to scribble something down on their pads. For the first time they had been given a question they could answer. Optimism filled the room. Sophie was the first to speak.

" Drunk drivers are one of the main reasons behind so many road accidents. It's not safe to drive while under the influence of alcohol . "

Bigot stood there dumbfounded by what he heard. The woman was useless. She hadn't a bloody clue.

" That answer was a complete load of rubbish. You are not thinking outside the box ! The first thing you can deduce from that statement is 60% of the drivers involved in road accidents had not been drinking . This means that you are one and a half times more likely to be in an accident when sober. Therefore, it is obviously safer to drink and drive. "

The logic of Bigot's answer left many completely bemused and dejected.......

WHAT I SUGGEST THE ACBL SHOULD DO WITH WHAT'S LEFT OF THE PETER PENDER BEQUEST................... ( Article by Carp )

The solution is simple : create in-house (Peter Pender) awards, which of course would perpetuate the memory of his name for years to come. These awards can only be given to officers and executives of the ACBL for their outstanding achievements in the following categories of maladministration :

- THE OSTRICH HEAD-IN-THE-SAND AWARD for the officer who manages to keep him/herself completely in the dark over some contentious issue

- THE STEALTHY HANDS AWARD for the officer who, when empowered to move money around, manages to spirit some it away into secret or " thin air " accounts

- THE SCREW-IT-UP-BIG-TIME AWARD for the officer responsible for the biggest and most shameful cock-up of the year

- THE SOD-YOU-I-DON'T- GIVE-A-DAMN AWARD for the executive who consistently displays contempt and disregard for those he/she claims to serve

- THE PONTIUS PILATE AWARD for the executive who rigidly adheres to the " it has nothing to do with me " policy, despite being the very person everyone looks up to for an answer

- THE BUTTER-DOESN'T-MELT -IN -MY-MOUTH AWARD goes to the executive, who puts on a convincing air of sweet innocence and purity, to completely mask the evil that lurks within

- THE PINOCCHIO AWARD for the officer who tells lies constantly in an attempt to get out of trouble, oblivious to the fact that he/she has no real " nose " for it

- THE BUCK PASSING AWARD for the senior executive, who displays great timing and skill in transferring onerous responsibilities onto subordinates, whenever the roof is about to cave in

- THE WISHY WASHY EXCUSES AWARD for the officer who is able dream up the most amazingly awful, pathetic and vague excuses, so as to avoid to saying " sorry "

- THE I'LL -GET -AROUND-TO- DOING -IT-TOMORROW AWARD for the officer who shirks his/her responsibilities, by sheer and persistent procrastination

- THE MONEY- IS- OURS- SO -WE -CAN- DO- WHAT- WE- LIKE- WITH- IT AWARD for the power-obsessed executive who is so arrogant, his/her dismissive behaviour towards others simply beggars belief

- THE FRIGHTENED RABBIT AWARD for the officer who, rather than answer or apologise to an injured party , immediately heads off to the hills to find a safe bolt-hole

THE MOST COLLECTIBLE BRIDGE BOOKS IN THE WORLD....... ( Survey by Pun )

• Declarer Play Is Where I Go To Pieces....................Justin A. Pickle
• Partner....What's Taking You So Long !...................May Kay Bidd
• Was That A Stiff, Partner ?.......................................Ivor Boner
• There's More To Their Partnership Than Bridge......Betty Dabbles
• Bridge In A Hostile Environment............................Will Denniss
• Men Who Play Like Women.....................................Cissy Buoys
• Louisiana Lady Caught Cheating At Bridge..............Kay June Fidler
• When Our Captain Sees This Score Card !.................Ima Gonner
• Someone Up there Really Likes Me..........................Guy Dean Angel
• Some Bridge Players Have Got All The Answers.......Satch Knowles