REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG........................

Dear Rebecca,

Money's tight, and over the years the cost of attending these bloody congresses has bled me dry . However, as I'm still desperate for " greenies " I need to raise some money fast. So being a woman of the world with illustrious contacts, can you put me in touch with a hospital consultant, who knows of an accident victim crying out for a replacement lower limb ?

I've already sold one of my kidneys, and a lobe or two off my liver.......so surely there's an amputee motor cyclist somewhere ...........laid up in hospitable bed wanting a fully functioning left leg ?

Hell.....what do I need a left leg for ?

For a start, I drive an automatic. My drawer at home is full of odd socks. And when I'm not sitting down playing bridge, I'm sitting in front of the telly while my good wife does all the housework, cooking and cleaning.

Heavens above...there must be a market out there for left legs. And if there is, can you find out how much I'm likely to get for a one-off 102 cm white leg, blighted only by the odd varicose vein and pus filled boil.

Yours seriously, R. Dupp

Dear R,

I'm just in the process of seeking psychiatric help myself , after reading far too many distressing letters from people who have been kicked out of their local bridge clubs on the pretext of being " extremely troublesome ". Most of them resorted to self harming and abuse , as a way of punishing themselves for their petty misdemeanours and all round stupidity.

Anyway, getting back to your problem. Well, I'm not sure how much you would get for a left leg. However, have you considered bundling an arm into the deal ? The expression " that will cost someone an arm and a leg " clearly suggests that this particular combo will certainly fetch a five figure sum.

But have you really thought this through ? Once you've signed on the dotted line......legally you wont have a leg to stand on, should you change your mind. So take my advice and down a bottle or two of vodka before making any decision, because this will enable you to get a better idea of what it will feel like being " legless ".

Yours forever putting my pants on one leg at a time, Rebecca