( This most unusual case involved an a civil law action for breach of trust and the misappropriation of funds bequeathed to the club by the late Peter Pantopod , who was killed in 2003 while crossing the road in a hit and run incident. The only witness, a small boy of 4, claimed that the driver of the super-charged sports car involved had a big black moustache. In Peter's will the £700,000 left to the club had to be spent on encouraging ordinary folk to take up the game, with new competitions set up awarding " The Pantopod Trophies " to the deserving winners . Several years on with nothing to show from this gift, Percy Pantopod decided the time had come to bring an action for recovery of his uncle's money, in the knowledge that most of it, if not all, had disappeared into thin air. An extract from the trial's transcript appears below ).
Counsel for the plaintiff (CP) : Bigot, as chairman of this disreputable club, please tell the court why you arrived late.
B-J : I couldn't find a parking place for my new porsche....
CP : Does that car belong to you ?
B-J : No....it's currently owned by the club to enable the chairman to carry out his duties
CP : I see....but let's move onto the key question.....Where the hell has this money gone ? Having looked at the club's accounts over this 8 year period, I can only find £26.50 spent on a solitary newspaper advert, inviting local people to attend a Saturday morning bridge class, and £8.00 on two small wooden egg cups, presumably for competitions that have yet to take place.
B-J : Ah...you've got it all wrong. There were lots of incidental expenses incurred in finding these two wooden trophies. At least four around -the-world first class cruise trips were needed for myself, and other club officers, to seek out something completely different, original.....and cute. Something that would appeal to the ordinary folk, who also happened to like boiled eggs.
CP : But the club has never held any competitions in which these trophies were ear-marked for !
B-J : Never any takers......
CP : Moreover, neither trophy has got the name " Pantopod " inscribed upon it ....
B-J : Well.....at 3cm wide there wasn't enough room .....although we did manage to inscibe the letters E..G..G..on each one
CP : But we still don't have an answer as to where the £700,000 has disappeared to ?
BJ : It's in the system somewhere.....
CP : But where ?
B-J : Listen you....if you were to place a gold coin in a barrel full of other gold coins, only to see the whole lot tipped up into a huge pile on the floor, then it becomes impossible to locate your money....is that not the reality of what happens to money when it gets absorbed into a business ?
CP : Ah yes, but your club accounts show zero cash at the bank, massive debts, and clubs assets that are all rented.....the exception of course being the £90,000 porsche.
B-J : Jesus, are you thick or what....the accounts reveal that several high performance cars have been purchased by the club over the years, all coming with little stickers on the windows advertising these bridge classes for the commoners. However, it was necessary to auction these vehicles off , within the club , while they still had a high resale value.
CP : And what did they roughly go for ?
B-J: About £100 each
CP : And who bought them ?
B-J : Me...
CP : That's it...I've heard enough. There's enough evidence here to have you done in a criminal court for the fraudulent misappropriation of club funds. I will be asking the judge to issue you with a seizure order to have all those vehicles confiscated, and handed over to the Pantopod family.
B-J : Pointless...I've sold them on..
CP : Who to ?
B-J : A judge..... who as it happens...... is sitting here in this court...... a real hard-line sports car enthusiast and collector... a fellow member of an asssociation we both dearly love and cherish
CP : What's that ?
B-J : The ACBL .....
CP : What's that ?
B-J : The Automobile Club for Bawtry Landowners
CP : I give up...there's no point in continuing this case
B-J : Well..that's a bugger....I've paid for a whole day's parking !
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