FINALLY I HAVE THE ANSWER..............( Article by Carp )

Many bridge clubs are naturally concerned with falling membership totals , especially when the average age of the membership continues to rise. Young people are not taking up the game in sufficient numbers to buck the trend. So what might be the biggest single underlying factor behind this distressing state of affairs ?

Well ,we all know about how young people today prefer to engage with technological pastimes and fast living?  For them bridge is something that one has to cross over to get from one side of a river to another. It is game that their grey-haired grandparents play in grey stone buildings.
But yesterday I read a newspaper article ( see below ) that revealed a startling fact , which helps explain why so many young people today have no bloody idea at all as to what the game of bridge is all about. Te sad reality is that they don't even know what a pack of cards looks like. 

If children are never introduced to simple card games , then they certainly don't progress onto such games like 5-card nap , solo , and whist  . And without this progression , bridge remains well outside their radar. My parents introduced me to cards at a very early age , and trick taking games become my favourites , because skill played a much greater part than luck in being successful. The fact that my parents never played bridge themselves was irrelevant. My passion for cards has been ignited. Indeed , discovering better and more challenging card games was now my ultimate quest. So when I eventually discovered bridge  ( at university ) I knew I had made it to Eldorado.

So unless ways can be found to get parents encouraging their kids to switch off their computers and games consoles and to play cards as part of a family activity ,  young people of tomorrow will get to realize what pleasures and benefits this wonderful game of can provide. 

THE INEXPLICABLE FOLLIES OF BRIDGE PLAYERS.......
( Article by Carp )

The things bridge players do !  Actions and antics which beggar all belief.  Behaviour that is so absurd and bizarre it raises serious questions about their intelligence and sanity.


How the hell does one explain why they

• constantly seek to partner higher ranking players who they know will make their lives a bloody misery with relentless barrages of criticism and insults
• agree to play bidding conventions and gadgets they don't fully understand 
• expect TDs to offer them sympathy , understanding and justice when rulings have been called for by intimidating and imposing opponents
• talk themselves into adopting a line of play which is grossly inferior to the one they first considered
• believe that committee members will always place the interests of club members as a whole ahead of their own personal aims and ambitions
• continue to believe that the experience of being thrashed and humiliated week after week will turn them into better players
• spend countless thousands of pounds in the quest for ranking points , when everyone knows that whole ranking system is flawed and totally meaningless
• think sponsored partners will enjoy the experience of the occasion , when it is so obvious that these mercenaries will show nothing but disdain and contempt for them
• believe despite all their numerous failings and shortcomings that they are entitled to call themselves " club experts "
• never learn from past mistakes , allowing magical thinking to convince them that next time the same hopelessly inferior lines of play will reap big dividends 
• allow committees to crack down on rude behaviour but to ignore the far greater sins of slow play and soft cheating 
• claim to be sensible and rational people when allowing actions and decisions to be dictated by irrational beliefs , omens , and superstitions

Indeed , the truth is out there : the world of bridge is far more bizarre than anyone could ever possibly imagine.

BRIDGE BOOKS GUARANTEED TO TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY...................

• How To Keep Unruly And Disruptive Members In Check.....................Layla Lordowne
• What Punishment Will The Committee Impose On You And I ?...........Angus Forshaw
• My Partner Is Incapable Of Making The Simplest Deduction...............M. T. Heddid 
• My Partner Is So Full Of Shit He Really Needs Seeing To...................N. E. Marr
• Most Bridge Club Treasurers Hate Spending Money...........................Penny Pinchin  
• Outside Bridge I Love To Play Old Fashioned Slot Machines.............Penny R. Cade
• That Bloody Man Just Loves To Preach From Way Up High...............Paul Pitt
• Finessing Missing Honours Often Requires Just Taking A Punt ........Gus Werk 
• Recommended Dress Code For Nudist Colony Bridge Clubs.............Noah Parell 
• I Just Love Bridge Clubs Where Anarchy Rules................................Ron A. Mock

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG..............

Dear Rebecca ,
How is it that whenever I'm dummy I immediately know how the hand should be played, even though I am not able to see what is in declarer's hand.
Yet the strange thing is that when I'm declarer my partner instantly knows what needs to be done to steer the contract home. Seeing just one hand seems to be far more enlightening than seeing both. So how do you explain this conundrum ? 

Yours utterly perplexed,
                        John from Manchester


Dear John ,
Since the world of bridge is so surreal and bizarre , nothing should ever shock or amaze you. Accept that fact that many aspects of the game will seem absurd. Accept the fact that mysteries of bridge will forever remain unsolved. In this game anything and everything is possible. Indeed paradoxes are the norm.
Quite frankly I haven't got a bloody clue as to why this particular phenomenon exists but it clearly does. I've experienced this absurdity so many times myself.
Perhaps dummy's main advantage is that he/she is under no pressure at all , being able to think without distraction or worry. Declarer on the other hand has to decide which line of play offers the best chance of making the contract , and/or securing a match winning result. With so much to consider he may take his eye of the ball.... especially if dummy is giving him a look of utter disdain , disapproval or disbelief. 

Yours just as perplexed, 
                      Rebecca

DR.JOHN'S CASE NOTES : BAWLUS  INFANTO TORMENTA  ( OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE CRY-BABY BULLY SYNDROME )

Once upon a time when men were men , there was a big difference between bullies and cry babies. The former were strong rock hard aggressors while the latter were weak , feeble ,  I'm-telling-my mum-about-you-did-to-me wimps.
Fast forward the last four decades and things are not so clear cut. This is the age of cry baby bullies, a hideous hybrid of victim and victor , weeper and walloper. In the bizarre world of bridge they are everywhere , these duplicitous Pushmi-Pullyus.
At the table , when nerves are fraught and tempers are high ,  the cry baby bully will scream abuse at his woeful partners or annoying opponents until they decide to snap back with equal venom. At this point the aggressor immediately changes into a blubbering victim , drowning in floods of tears , threatening to take his ball home......or fleeing to the bar room area where he " feels  safe ". The hypocrisy of those players affected by bawlus infanto tormenta is overwhelming : they constantly bang on about their own mental fragility yet mock others in an unceasing and merciless fashion , without any concern whatsoever for their feelings.
Cry baby bullies are serial complainers , who crave help and support from others in skillfully connived vendetta campaigns to get plain speaking members , who had the gall to answer back and retaliate, removed from the club.
Indeed , many eminent psycho-analysts such as myself , define this type of behaviour as an unusual variant of the Munchhausen's syndrome: manipulating others to bring misery upon themselves in order to complain about it and seek sympathy from caring bystanders. The aggressive responses which inevitably come their way are , of course , completely self-induced. 
Nevertheless cry baby bullies usually end up being abandoned and isolated , as club members come to realize the type of person they really are. Moreover , whenever sufferers of this disturbing condition  believe " others "  have adopted an opposite point of view.....shock..... horror.....to theirs , they feel cheated and betrayed. Then they start claiming that the presence of anyone opposed to them are actually violating their " safe territory " , even though they are standing several yards away. Cry baby bullies besiege  committee members to support them in their hour of need to act upon their complaints and wishes. Otherwise they too will be subjected both tears and wrath , before finding themselves in the firing line with allegations of gross incompetence and neglect of duty. 
This syndrome above all others sums up why the world of bridge is so utterly bizarre ! 

BIGOT STARTS TO SHOW SIGNS OF HIS ADVANCING YEARS..........

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : ABOULOMANIA

" My partner respects , he respects me not, he respects me , he respects me not..."  could certainly be the mantra of bridge players who unfortunately suffer from this generally unknown mental disorder , both characterised and epitomised by crippling indecision. 
Many eminent psychoanalysts , such as myself , define this affliction as " the paralysis of the mind ".  Indeed , a staggeringly high proportion of slow players are diagnosed with this particular disorder known as aboulomania. Sufferers will ,  before the bridge event gets underway , appear mentally alert and sharp in all aspects of analysis and problem solving. However , as soon as they sit down at the table their brains turn to mush. The ability to make quick decisions completely disappears. Even when faced with simple easy choices like which way to take a finesse,  which card to discard , or how many rounds of trumps should be taken, 
they run into a major psychological block. They become overwhelmed by anxiety and indecision. Once they become aware of the growing impatience and disbelief of others at the time , the more they get anxious . Then , inevitably , paralysis of the mental function sets in.
Most sufferers say their incapacity or chronic indecision originates from the need to be a 100% certain. Hence the sufferer can become paralysed in his/her inability to make a decision even when probabilities of success are as high as 90%. The mere fact that a finesse through North is almost certain to work , the nagging doubt.... that on this occasion the 10 % option of taking the finesse through South should be the one to take ....will slowly but surely eat mercilessly away at their confidence. A sufferer will become paralysed by the fear that to reject the outside 1-to-10 chance is the very choice which was destined to be successful. Experience tells them that going with the odds doesn't always work out. So what in God's name should they do ?
So imagine what it is like for a victim of aboulomania to find himself facing several choices , such as which suit to make an opening lead from , and which card to pick ? The sheer scale and magnitude of the choices involved will send the player into the think tank for an indeterminable length of time. Racked with crippling indecision , hesitancy and despair will be deeply etched on his distorted and twisted face. Doubting each and every considered option , nothing ever emerges from his hand. The agony of those looking on only intensifies his inability to arrive at a decision. So when at last a card does emerge from his hand , it is quickly withdrawn and put back with the others. Sometimes aboulomania manifests itself with complete paralysis of movement , self-induced sleep and comatose-like trances.
Sadly , there is no cure, because even though there are a vast range of treatments available , sufferers seem completely unable to decide on which one to choose. 

         

BRIDGE BOOKS YOU WISH YOU HAD NEVER READ......

• It's Amazing How Many Players Cheat At Bridge.............................Eve N. Mee
• My Partner Is A Complete Numpty And Brainless Moron..................Ria Tard
• There's Something Really Fishy Going On At That Table..................C. Bass
• Tell Me What Kind Of Player Makes The Ideal Female Partner ?......Nick  R. Lestart
• I'm Convinced That Woman Is Cheating In Some Way......................Bess Watcher
• Cheating Again ? You're Gonna Get Banned For Sure.....................Hope Pinnott
• What Will You Say When The TD Is Called Over ?...........................Chantel Allie
• Never Use Your Real Name When Writing Scurrilous Blogs.............Sue Denim
• That Man Plays Bridge Like A Swashbuckling Pirate........................Buck Kinnear
• Should I Play For The Drop Of The Queen Or Finesse ?...................Honor Gess
• I'm Afraid We're Fighting A Losing Battle Here , Partner ..................Ali Moe
• I Pride Myself On Obeying All The Club Rules And Regulations.........Laura Byder 
• Disasters In Bridge Can Happen When You Least Expect Them.......Oliver Suddan
• A Good Writer Will Often Slip Porn Into Great Bridge Stories............Ray C. Bucks 
• My Partner Bids Like A Maniac If Dealt A Good Hand.......................Carrie D'Whey   

EAVESDROPPER TUNES IN ON A CURIOUS CONVERSATION.....

- Christ man....I haven't seen you in ages
- I'm not surprised.....I don't go to the club anymore
- What....you've given up bridge ?
- No....I'm playing the game more than ever before
- Yeh ?
- I quit the club along with several other members to form our own virtual reality bridge club
- Well bugger me .....so what's that all about ?
- It's bridge on the internet....each of us downloaded the software to play duplicate bridge
  at agreed times. The standard of bridge is not only high but the playing field is absolutely 
  level
- No kidding
- Yes....we all take the North seat , with a randomly chosen robot partner , to take on all the  
  East/West robot partnerships. The East/West robots all play to the same system card , but
  they are also programmed to provide different levels of challenge. Nevertheless , the  
  programming also gives them different personality profiles , to reflect both basic human 
  strengths and weaknesses
- Amazing
- However , your robot partner will play to whatever system you like ....but at the same time
  he/she too will occasionally succumb to human-like failings and shortcomings despite being a 
  solid and reliable bridge player
- I'm gobsmacked by all this
- But the best bit is this.......the robots don't cheat or hesitate.....they don't lecture or  
  answer back.....they never revoke and they play the cards quickly. Not only that ....they     make  intelligent and logical decisions based on all the information they have gleaned from  
  the bidding and the play of cards to date
- Sounds great
- The play of the hands is very fast although you are allowed .....because of your sluggish
   thinking......to take a little longer. Mind you 24 boards can be easily got through in 90 
  minutes ......and whichever North wins the event he/she knows they all had the same cards 
  playing and the same opponents. Never can a playing field be as level as this one
- God am I impressed
- Yes....you should be because this is the only way to improve your bridge in leaps and
  bounds. In fact all our robot opponents are now pre-set at near-expert and expert levels 
- Can I join this club then ?
- Of course....but the initial cost of downloading the software is around £200
- No problem to a man of my means....count me in
- Well , log in 7-30pm this Wednesday then
- Will do my friend
    

A SHOCKING AND DISTURBING VISION OF THE NEW WORLD OF BRIDGE..... IN PERHAPS THE NOT TOO DISTANT FUTURE

First there will be the proliferation of virtual reality bridge clubs and then.........after the last few remaining bridge players have died of old age.......there will only be the robots left who can take the game forward into the next millennium 

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG................

Dear Rebecca ,
The other day I returned to my old club for a night of duplicate bridge only to find a deserted bar room and unused rooms. It wasn't all that long ago that 16 or more tables would be in play but I found myself playing in a very disappointing six table field. 
The club seemed empty and the atmosphere dead. There was no " buzz " about the place , and for me the evening was a massive turn off.
So do these dwindling table numbers represent a trend towards oblivion , one which other clubs are also experiencing ? Is the game of duplicate bridge , as we know it ,  in its death throes ?  

Yours in despair ,
               Hope PInnott


Dear Hope,
It hurts me greatly to read your letter because I too share the same fears and concerns about the future of bricks and mortar bridge clubs. No one can deny that this wonderful game gets people's brains ticking and their hearts pumping , but today's world is technology driven.
At my club both membership numbers and attendances have been falling steadily over the past 20 years. Once the rot sets in it's difficult to stop its progress. One factor has been the growing number of smaller bridge clubs being set up by splinter groups enticing members away. For it seems that people ,  who like to play " social " bridge with players of a similar standard , prefer venues where soft cheating is both overlooked and accepted .
However , I believe the biggest contributing factor to falling attendances is internet bridge, which involves lovers of the game preferring to stay at home. Here they can play bridge for as long as they want , whenever they want.... for no or little expense ,  without the hassle of travelling there and back in all weathers, plus all that waiting around. Moreover , they can elect to play with well behaved robot partners , who will never volunteer any criticism or verbal abuse. 
So no.... bridge is not in its death throes at all , but unfortunately as more and more hands are being played on the internet ( than with real packs )  virtual reality bridge clubs will be the inevitable next chapter in the history of bridge. 

Yours facing up to the facts , Rebecca       




           

COMMITTEE MEMBER FAILS TO GRASP WHAT THE SPIN-MINDED CHAIRMAN IS REALLY ALL ABOUT ?.......

THE FORCING PASS IS SUCH AN UNDER-USED BID........... ( Article by Howard Bigot-Johnson )

I am always perplexed as to why the forcing pass is never used as an opening bid. It has everything going for it simply because both your opponents are denied the option of sticking in a double , cue bid or Michaels convention. They are compelled to bid a suit or no trump knowing that the forcing pass bidder has a good opening hand, never having any information as to its shape , strength and major suit holdings.
If the opponents elect to stay quiet , partner has all the one level bids at his disposal to move the auction on. Why players haven't latched onto this opening forcing pass is beyond me. Far too many are wooden tops who simply haven't got a feel for this game , reluctant to adopt the cutthroat tactics needed to shaft your opponents in the bidding auctions. It is an incredibly powerful weapon  but one which never involves you putting your head on the chopping block. That's fate belongs to the opponents when they step into the auction.  Why the other day in first position I opened with a pass ( alerted as forcing ) , and the hand was passed out for a complete top. Partner had a miserable 2 HCPs opposite my 18 , and with no communication between the hands not even a one-level contract was possible our way. 
So what are you required to do when dealt a hand , which is either mediocre or worse. Well , the following system is used :
1C shows a 0-7 points with a 5 card suit 
1D shows a flat 0-7 
1H shows 8-11 with a 5 card suit 
1S shows  a flat 8-11 
1NT = 12-14
Pass ( Forcing ) =15-18 any shape

Weak hands with a 5-4 shape or better may well be suitable for a weak opening two. 

Should the LHO pass ,  and finding partner with a weak hand , there's every opportunity to wriggle into a low-level contract .  So even when the double arrives , with a big penalty to be incurred ,  there is every chance of a good result , especially if game is on for the opponents. I remember once I opened a club on 6 HCPs with a 5 card heart suit to the Q10. My LHO passed and partner with his miserable collection of points bid 1D ( weak and asking ). MY RHO opponent passed with the big hand , lying in wait and biding his time. I dutifully bid 1H , which partner thankfully had Jx in support . Pass ....pass.........DOUBLE!. This was left in for penalties which went for 3 off for minus 500 against their vulnerable game. 
But what is really great about the opening forcing pass is that you get into ( and quickly out of ) the bidding in nearly every auction , an initiative which gives you a whole load of advantages and the opponents a whole load of headaches. Take this example for instance , I opened 1D in second position  with 8 HCP only to see my LHO double straightaway. This bid now gave my partner ( or possibly me ) the advantage of using another grossly underused bid.....THE REDOUBLE. This bid in our system , says I just happen to have a very good suit of my own..... requiring me to bid 1H . This of course may well be left in , or converted to 1S/2C/2D.  If however partner happened to a have flat hand himself,  an immediate non-forcing 1NT  would be the obligatory response. So being intensely irritated at not knowing a thing about our hands , the opponents took control of the auction to arrive at 3NT. I surmised that partner's suit had to spades , and the opening lead 9 from my doubleton put the contract for 2 off for another glorious top.
        







  

WHO IS THE MAN IN THE LONG BLACK COAT ?......
( Bigot-Johnson provides the answer )

For years many people have wanted to know the true identity of Bob Dylan's character , the man in the long black coat.  Theories about who he is are numerous. Is he the Devil ?  The Phantom Of The Opera ?  An East European spy  ? A silent assassin ?  Zorro ?  Or is he nothing more than a random stranger , who simply leaves the narrator cynical and bitter over the stealing of his true love ? 

Well , Bigot-Johnson knows the answer , having provided Bob with the inspiration for his classic song. The man in the long black coat is the archetypal bridge player , who reflects the darker side of the human psyche , as so often witnessed inside  bridge clubs when results become a matter of life or death.


" Some people don't live or die , they just float "  completely sums up this enigmatic man.  A player who floats from one partner to another , leaving each and every one emotionally drained and exhausted. Every bridge club has one in its midst. Every bridge club becomes his feasting ground.

The poem which Bigot sent Bob to fire up his imagination and great story telling can now be seen below for the very first time.

He's mysterious and scary , aloof and remote
For he is the man in the long black coat
He lives in the shadows,  not one to dote
On clueless players not worthy of note
When he holds court he's ready to quote
Extracts from articles which he once wrote
About hunting rabbits like a predatory stoat
Shafting them in ways which led him to gloat
So if you're his partner do watch your throat 
For a vampire is a man in a long black coat 

MAKING A CLAIM.......( A heartfelt rant by Bigot-Johnson )

Slow players do my head in. In fact I hate them as much as a plateful of cold soggy sprouts. So when these buggers arrive at my table I know we will be a board behind the rest of the field. Consequently, the need to catch up requires me to win the auctions , and to make claims at the earliest opportunity. 

Making claims certainly speeds up the game. Moreover , it spares defenders from the agony of playing out a hand ,  especially when there's not even a ghost of a chance of making a trick. But do these slow-coaches rejoice at my efforts to win back some precious time ?  NO THEY DO NOT !

Many will argue the toss and insist that the hand is played out in accordance with the stated line of play. I JUST SIT THERE IN ABJECT DESPAIR.. 

Thank the Lord God I'm not allowed to carry a gun in the UK , because If I were bridge rooms would be littered with dead bodies of those who disputed my irrefutable claims. Once , when I made a claim I didn't state a line of play because I had more tricks available then there were cards in my hand. I had AQ of diamonds in dummy but didn't even need the Ace as a trick , but what did I hear an opponent say ? 

" Excuse me but I have a winning the king of diamonds ". My reply was as sharp as it was instant ; " AM I STUPID OR WHAT ? AM I LIKELY TO TAKE A FINESSE ?  IT'S OBVIOUS I'VE GOT ENOUGH WINNERS ELSEWHERE TO DISCARD BOTH MY BLOODY DIAMONDS  "

But guess what , the director is called over.....alarmed at my decision not to state a line of play. Unbelievably ,  he insists that I am now obliged to finesse the diamond queen , and lose to the tosser's king.  WAS I LIVID ?.... No , that would be a gross understatement. I WAS IN FACT RABID AND READY TO KILL. 

How come I was obliged to adopt this grossly inferior line of play, which only a blind brain-dead novice would make ?  If the rules require the director to impose a normal line of play , then surely " he has to take into account the class and experience of the player involved ?  So given my status as a canny player, what the hell was this evil , scheming biased director up to ? Who knows ....but what I do know is what caused his new Toyota corolla to go up in flames several days later !  

So my advice to all those who quite rightly want to continue making claims , in an attempt to speed up the game ,  can be outlined as follows :

(i) be prepared to grab your opponent by the throat , ensuring eye-to-eye contact , and state your line of play in such a way that he/she listens intently and understands fully 

(ii) and if all the remaining tricks can be harvested up in a multitude of ways , which you inadvertently fail to state one , be prepared to grab the director by the throat to remind him that his ruling to impose a normal line of play must respect you a serious intelligent player... as well as serial arsonist   

    

BIGOT-JOHNSON'S GUIDE ON HOW TO BE AN THOROUGHLY OBNOXIOUS PLAYER 

As luck would have it being an utterly obnoxious bastard comes very easy to me. I was born with this talent , like a gift from Lucifer himself. Nevertheless ,  for any player who has set out on this all important journey to become loathed and reviled by all , my 12 point guide can help him/her complete the mission with real aplomb. 

1. Do all the things that will annoy other players intensely, such as gloating over their mistakes.
    Pick up bridgemates at every opportunity to slam down on the table if only for theatrical     
    effect. Snap the cards repeatedly. Fidget and squirm about in your seat , whilst strumming 
    your fingers on the table top. The list is endless.

2. Alternate between sharp yells and quiet whispers when engaged in table conversation.
    Forever quiz opponents over their bids even though you know the answers. Use a 
    combination of sly smiles and pugnacious scorn to unnerve and unsettle them. Pounce on 
    them with menacing intent for any actual or perceived misdemeanour on their part. Scream  
    for the director over and over again. And should the director award you a favourable 
    outcome , rub your hands together with glee before chuckling to yourself incessantly.

3. Whenever members are gathered in groups , butt in without invite or warning. Immediately
    take control of the discussion and hold court , firing questions at your captive audience.
    These questions should offer no easy answers , such that any replies can be torn down in
    shreds or rejected as " hopeless ". This of course will provide you with the platform to 
    portray yourself as the club expert , whose technical knowledge and analysis is beyond
    compare. 

4. Never take " no " for an answer , or take any hints of any kind , that your presence is 
    unwanted. Impose yourself upon others with the tenacity of a bloodsucking leech or 
    vampire.  

5. Insult all and sundry on any pretext whatsoever. Just do it if only for personal pleasure.
    Belittle their opinions and achievements mercilessly. Use words like rapiers ,  all pointed
    cutting and sharp.   However , should anyone dare to register disapproval of your
    alleged defamatory remarks , brush them aside by stating that you were " only joking ".

6. Never be one to put personal hygiene at the top of your agenda. In fact don't allow it
    on your agenda full stop. Dress like a tramp ( or a sailor ) , never cut or comb your hair ,    
    throw away your shaver , wear shoes without socks , and trousers with flies wide open. 

7. After each and every board harangue your partner irrespective of whether or not you scored
    a top. Partner of course must be found to have done something wrong even if the opposite
    is true. Also you must forcefully remind the opponents of their errors , giving them a stern
    lecture in the process on how to play " proper bridge ". Always assume they were too polite
    to ask for advice. 

8. Develop the masterful art of being excruciatingly smug whenever results go your way. Gloat 
    over each and every top, but sneer , whinge and whine whenever a poor score is recorded. 
    In such unfortunate situations , act as though you were the unwitting victim of cheating or
    some evil conspiracy to make your life difficult. Accuse those out to get you of malicious 
    gossip and persecution. If necessary retreat to the corner of the room , curl up into a ball and 
    blubber like a baby. Indeed , take the art of sulking to unprecedented levels , such that
    unaware and caring members offer you pity,  comfort and sympathy.

9. Despite tearing into opponents who fail to provide identical system cards or adequate 
    descriptions of their alerted or convention bids., seize every goddamn opportunity to shaft  
    easy opponents with a barrage of psychs and off-centre anti-system bids. These should only 
    be done with partners who know their place,  and how to handle such " fishy " situations. 

10. See yourself as the only one in the club who knows how to play proper bridge. In team 
      events always blame the others. In situations where you haven't been appointed captain
      usurp his/her authority and take control of selections , pairings and tactics. 

11. Taunt and tease members in an attempt to exacerbate their inferior feelings about them-
       selves. In between telling dirty jokes , use sexist and racist comments to develop the comic
       side to your persona. Choose the most inappropriate times , but keep on persevering until
       you get the desired result , say when victims of your targeted abuse become acutely hurt
       and embarrassed.

12. Tell appalling lies and use over-the-top exaggerations when looking to defend yourself
       against complaints regarding your conduct , or when wooing unsuspecting new members 
       into gaining their friendship and emotional support. Rid yourself of any moral guide or 
       conscience , but look for opportunities to portray yourself as ethically correct.      

BIGOT IS QUICK TO RESPOND TO UNFAIR CRITICISM.....

YOUR PARTNER 

 ( This wonderful three verse poem by Richard Arkell has been skillfully altered to reflect today's reality in the bizarre world of bridge. Verses 2 and 3 remain true to the original but verses 4 and 5 take the theme a stage further , in an attempt to remind players of the predicament they will find themselves in........ should they choose to partner those with a real attitude. )  


Partner arrives like a man with the flu 
Feeling ill at the prospect of partnering you 
He clearly loathes you from the start
But loves to land you in the cart


His face is grim , his soul is grey
He snorts at every card you play
And if you can't return his lead
He hates you very much indeed


He gets my nerves in such a state
By this relentless look of hate
Upon his thin, unfriendly face....
I always manage to trump his Ace


He's never forgiving and quick to blame
Claims you're a duck , useless and lame
He whinges and whines at every turn
Screaming out loud " don't you ever learn "


On every board you hear his moans
Along with insults full of acid tones
Yet when the agony ends , the future's still bleak
For you've just heard him say.........
" WE'RE DOWN FOR NEXT WEEK ! " 

IT COULD ONLY HAPPEN AT BRIDGE....... ( An almost true story by Bridgemeister Gibson )


Sitting large as life at the table was The Northern Pro , when along came his old long standing Nemisis , the man in the long black coat.
In an uncontested auction the Northern Pro opened 1NT only to wonder why his partner failed to inform the opponents of the point range.On receiving a 2D response the Northern Pro dutifully announced " transfer to hearts " , which he did as instructed. The next bid from partner was 2NT which was followed by 3H , showing 3 card support. Partner then bid 3NT to end the auction.
However , when Nemisis made his opening lead , the Northern Pro was onto him in a flash.
" It's not your lead. I bid no trumps first ". Nemisis turned towards him with an air of contempt :
" But you didn't.....after you opened 1S , you then rebid 2H in response to your alert ." The
Northern Pro was dumbstruck. He had indeed opened 1S when intending to open 1NT only to make an incorrect alert,  and the subsequent explanation of the bid. 
" I want a ruling " said Nemisis , and so the TD was called over. After hearing about the Northern Pro's mechanical error and subsequent false announcement , the TD suggested that the hand should be played out in 3NT , and if the injured parties felt damaged by the result , he should called back to make a decision.
So by making a poor lead against 3NT , Nemisis saw the contract come rolling in for a complete top. He was not a happy bunny. Moreover , he was adamant the final contract should have been four hearts, since the Northern Pro's bidding suggesting that the he had two-suited hand in the majors , with partner having the sufficient values to bid game. This contract of course was doomed to go two off for a complete bottom. Inevitably , the TD agreed with Nemisis , and so 4H-2 was the result entered into the well behaved grounded bridgemate.

Given the Fact The Northern Pro genuinely intended to bid 1NT , all his subsequent bids ( and alert ) were all in keeping with both his hand and system card. The 3NT call over his 3H was one he was happy to leave in trusting in partner's judgement.
Partner will of course have wondered what the Northern Pro was doing,  and so this thinking may have been as follows:
1S - he's got an opening hand with at least 4 or more spades 
2D - best bid I've got available but at least it shows my strongest suit  
2H ( after alert and announcement ) - what the blue blazes is partner about . I haven't got any bloody hearts......but has he ? 
2NT - This bid shows 11-12 HCPs and a flatish hand. Perfect.
3H  - Good God.....does the Northern Pro still think I've got hearts and is now showing support
....or is he now confirming 5-5 in the majors ?  I've no bloody idea
3NT - I should bid 3S now showing 3 card support for his first bid suit , but 3NT could be a superior contract if we're making the same nine tricks 
However,  moving over Nemisis , his analysis of the auction will be slightly different :
1S - The man got a spade suit
2D - Clearly 9+ points with a diamond suit
2H !! - What's all this nonsense ? Is this conventional bid on their system suit ? The Northern Pro likes to be clever , so I do wonder. May be I should start asking questions after this ?  
2NT - His partner clearly has values to bid on , and is offering an alternative spot to play
3H - Either the Northern Pro is showing 3 card support for his partner's hearts .....or he's confirming a strong 2 suited hand in the majors
3NT - Why aren't they in 4H ?   Surely that's their best spot for game ?  3NT is clearly an inferior contract and could well go off on a club lead. Happy to defend this contract against these numpties.

So in my view Nemisis didn't suffer any real damage , because 3NT was a bad contract which should have handed him a fair share of the match points. Certainly if the Northern Pro had opened 1NT and was playing in three , the obvious spade lead would have sunk the contract there and then. So had the spade bid scuppered the best line of defence ? Yes ...certainly in respect to the choice of opening lead. The lead of a club instead of the spade simply handed declarer with at least 2 tricks in the suit. And the subsequent ducking a heart now set up 8 tricks , unless Nemisis quickly switches attention to the spade suit. He should see that there was another club winner plus a whole load of red suit winners ready to be cashed. An immediate spade switch clearly offered his only hope of beating the contract. Dummy's miserable 764 of spades were a dead giveaway.    
Both 3NT and 4H were doomed contracts.  So were the opponents damaged by the opening spade bid ? Yes....far more so than the subsequent incorrect alert. Therefore , 4H-2 should not have been the substituted score. Either 3NT -1 or 3H-1 would seem a much fairer amended score. But with Nemisis , he wants much much more ,  and getting easy tops from opponents' transgressions , courtesy of helpful TDs ,  has always been a skillful feature of his game. 

BIGOT YET AGAIN UNDER THE WATCHFUL EYE OF DR.JOHN..........

" Doctor ....I feel terrible......things are not ticking over like they should.....
 I'm getting myself all wound up .....and I don't seem to have the time
to relax any more ...."

BIGOT MAKES A RATHER GRAVE OBSERVATION....

THE NORTHERN PRO IS NOT AMUSED........











                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

( Footnote : On a low spade lead , declarer can pick up 3 spades on finesses, and cash AK in both minor suits leaving himself in hand. Down to the critical 6 card ending , he is able to cash his minor suit queens. West is squeezed in 3 suits and forced to pitch a heart. East gets squeezed in two suits and must also pitch a heart. This allows declarer to make all 4 of dummy's  hearts on a finesse. )  

AS FINANCIAL DISASTER LOOMS BIGOT CALLS IN ON DR. JOHN..............

" So Bigot.....it seems you're riddled with acute anxiety and stress. You believe you've
a major problem on your hands.....simply because of what the club's treasurer has told 
you......something which has set your alarm bells ringing....." 

BRIDGE BOOKS NO ONE HAS EVER HEARD OF....UNTIL NOW OF COURSE..... ( Rare discoveries by Pun )

• Only Go For Tournaments Which Attract The Rabbits..........................E. C. Pickins
• Don't Ask Me To Deal The Cards, I've Got A Dodgy Arm......................Tanis  L. Bow
• Director ! My Partner's Caught That Woman Cheating Again............... E. Sawyer 
• She Wants Crucifying But How Do We Attach Her To The Cross?.......Bess Naylor
• In My Club It Pays Up To Keep Quiet And Not Look Up..........................Ed Downe
• What Happened To The Last Member Who Crossed Our Chairman ?...Barry Dellive
• She's Always Looking To Guard Against Nasty Squeezes.....................Eva Reddy
• My Partner Loves Her Lipstick , Mascara And Suntanned Skin..............Dolly Byrd
• Committees Rarely Approach Disciplinary Matters Free Of Bias.......... John Diss
• I've Made A Small Fortune Out Of Running Bridge Classes........Honor Wright-Fiddle
• The Slaughter House Bridge Club Is Really The Place To Go....Alotta Fanny Harbout
• Everyone Cheats At My Club Including Myself......................................Eve N. Mee
• Hesitating Before Playing My Stiff Almost Caused Her To Go Wrong...Neil Lee Fulder

THE UNCERTAINTY OF LEGAL DISPUTES AND THEIR OUTCOMES : BUT SOME ARE A LITTLE MORE PREDICTABLE THAN OTHERS.........( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

Common law which is made up of judges' decisions , many of which go on to become binding precedents , sets out to balance rigidity with flexibility. Although the doctrine of judicial precedent requires precedents to be followed , there is tremendous scope for judges to decide on issues purely on the given set of circumstances , and the merits of each individual case. Therefore what we end up with are authoritative precedents which lay down the general rules , with a whole raft of exceptions , and exceptions to the exceptions. A legal minefield in fact.

In matters relating to disciplinary hearings held by private clubs , rules regarding natural justice

cannot be ignored. Every committee member involved in the hearing is under a duty to act in good faith and fairly listen to both sides before making any decisions as to whether the alleged wrongdoing can be established , and what , if any , sanctions or punishment would be both appropriate and proportional. Certainly,  the basic bottom-line requirements include notice and the opportunity for the accused to be heard in order to respond to allegations made against them. Nevertheless the requirements of natural justice and the standards of fairness are flexible , depending on the nature of the power being exercised, and the effect of the decision on personal interests.

Indeed , in determining the presence and level of natural justice , one must start with the body's own rules themselves. Subject to anything in the rules , other relevant factors will include the nature of the interest at stake , whether an adverse decision would amount to a finding of misconduct and the severity of the sanction which the body is empowered to impose. 

Those criteria , by no means exhaustive , will be important when deciding what the parties intended or implied in their contract. In one form or another they are all concerned with the seriousness of the proceedings. The greater the extent to which a disciplinary committee sets out to operate in a quasi-judicial fashion , the greater the expectation the courts will place on them to adhere to the minimum requirements of natural justice. 

What reported cases tell us is that members may not be expelled without full knowledge of all the charges , adequate notice and a hearing , with committee members needing to approach the task ahead with open minds , displaying no personal animosity or bias against the accused. Clearly , the committee need to assiduously follow their own written procedures and not act in an arbitrary fashion, such as declaring " there was no point in having a hearing because we had already decided that the life ban was the right decision to take " .  

  

BIGOT INADVERTENTLY REVEALS A DARK AND SINISTER SECRET FROM HIS DUBIOUS PAST.....

BRIDGE BOOKS LOVED AND CHERISHED BY THE AMERICANS......( Research by Pun ) 

• Ladies If You Want Men To Partner You Dress Like A Diva.............Ed Turner
• He's Useless At Bridge Ladies, But He's Such A Great Partner.....Ken  E. Shagwell
• My Best Year Ever For High Stakes Rubber Bridge.........................Ray Kennitten
• The Main Reason Why I Never Partner The Older Ladies................Alec  M. Young
• How Dare You Accuse My Partner Of Throwing A Bridgemate.......Asif  E. Wood
• What ! He's Been Banned For Just Dropping A Bridgemate...........Shirley Knott
• What Part Of The Body Did The Bridgemate Strike Him ?..............Courtney Badleigh
• These End Of Year Accounts Make Dreadful Reading.....................Annette Loss
• For Christ Sake Is Anyone In This Club Under The Age Of 75 ? .......Jerry Attrick
• I Have No Other Choice But To Resign From This Committee...........Ike Witt   
• Can't Play Tonight Partner, Someone Has Put Their Foot Down.......Erin Syde
• All My Partner Ever Wants To Do Is Spread Malicious Gossip........Wendy Holdbagg
• Someone Find Me Some Poison To Give To My Partner.................Dudley Knightshade
• What Is It About Bridge That Makes Players So Irritable ?................Malcolm Tent 
• Guess Who Turned Up To The Latest AGM ?................................Allan Sundrie   

BIGOT USES HIS MEDICAL CONDITION TO A GREAT ADVANTAGE.....

BRIDGE BOOKS GUARANTEED TO TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY......( Recommendations by Pun who has substantial shares in the undertaking business )

• Just Keep An Eye On Him , He's A Troublemaker............................Mark Hiskard
• Has All The Club's Legal Expenses Been Paid For ?.......................Bill Owen
• As Chairman Everything I Do Is With Good Intention And Motive......Bonar Fyday
• When My Partner Gets Really Mad He's Uncontrollable...................Ray Ginbull
• Partner You're A Pathetic Wimp And Spineless Coward.................Arthur Mann 
• What Elderly Male Bridge Players All Have In Common...................Harry R. Sezz
• How Much For That Rare And Unusual Bridge Book ?.....................Naomi A. Price
• If The Committee Comes After You , Scarper Quickly.......................Ron  L. Farr-Lether
• Asking Her To Be His Partner Wasn't Just For The Bridge..............Betty Adder
• How The Hell Can We Trust Our Chairman To Tell The Truth ..........Eli Sallot
• I Wouldn't Stand There And Let Flying Bridgemate Hit Me...............Ida Duckdown 
• Encouraging A Member To Hurl A Bridgemate Is A Crime..............Aidan Bett
• That Flying Bridgement Hardly Touched Him At All...........................Amir Glance
• So What If Our Next Opponents Are All Grandmasters.....................Alwyn Hallwright
• For Once Partner Keep Your Foul Mouth Tightly Closed..................Noah Buce

BACK IN BRIDGE CLUB BAR ROOM BIGOT FAILS TO IMPRESS......