BIGOT-JOHNSON'S GUIDE ON HOW TO BE AN THOROUGHLY OBNOXIOUS PLAYER
As luck would have it being an utterly obnoxious bastard comes very easy to me. I was born with this talent , like a gift from Lucifer himself. Nevertheless , for any player who has set out on this all important journey to become loathed and reviled by all , my 12 point guide can help him/her complete the mission with real aplomb.
1. Do all the things that will annoy other players intensely, such as gloating over their mistakes.
Pick up bridgemates at every opportunity to slam down on the table if only for theatrical
effect. Snap the cards repeatedly. Fidget and squirm about in your seat , whilst strumming
your fingers on the table top. The list is endless.
2. Alternate between sharp yells and quiet whispers when engaged in table conversation.
Forever quiz opponents over their bids even though you know the answers. Use a
combination of sly smiles and pugnacious scorn to unnerve and unsettle them. Pounce on
them with menacing intent for any actual or perceived misdemeanour on their part. Scream
for the director over and over again. And should the director award you a favourable
outcome , rub your hands together with glee before chuckling to yourself incessantly.
3. Whenever members are gathered in groups , butt in without invite or warning. Immediately
take control of the discussion and hold court , firing questions at your captive audience.
These questions should offer no easy answers , such that any replies can be torn down in
shreds or rejected as " hopeless ". This of course will provide you with the platform to
portray yourself as the club expert , whose technical knowledge and analysis is beyond
4. Never take " no " for an answer , or take any hints of any kind , that your presence is
unwanted. Impose yourself upon others with the tenacity of a bloodsucking leech or
5. Insult all and sundry on any pretext whatsoever. Just do it if only for personal pleasure.
Belittle their opinions and achievements mercilessly. Use words like rapiers , all pointed
cutting and sharp. However , should anyone dare to register disapproval of your
alleged defamatory remarks , brush them aside by stating that you were " only joking ".
6. Never be one to put personal hygiene at the top of your agenda. In fact don't allow it
on your agenda full stop. Dress like a tramp ( or a sailor ) , never cut or comb your hair ,
throw away your shaver , wear shoes without socks , and trousers with flies wide open.
7. After each and every board harangue your partner irrespective of whether or not you scored
a top. Partner of course must be found to have done something wrong even if the opposite
is true. Also you must forcefully remind the opponents of their errors , giving them a stern
lecture in the process on how to play " proper bridge ". Always assume they were too polite
to ask for advice.
8. Develop the masterful art of being excruciatingly smug whenever results go your way. Gloat
over each and every top, but sneer , whinge and whine whenever a poor score is recorded.
In such unfortunate situations , act as though you were the unwitting victim of cheating or
some evil conspiracy to make your life difficult. Accuse those out to get you of malicious
gossip and persecution. If necessary retreat to the corner of the room , curl up into a ball and
blubber like a baby. Indeed , take the art of sulking to unprecedented levels , such that
unaware and caring members offer you pity, comfort and sympathy.
9. Despite tearing into opponents who fail to provide identical system cards or adequate
descriptions of their alerted or convention bids., seize every goddamn opportunity to shaft
easy opponents with a barrage of psychs and off-centre anti-system bids. These should only
be done with partners who know their place, and how to handle such " fishy " situations.
10. See yourself as the only one in the club who knows how to play proper bridge. In team
events always blame the others. In situations where you haven't been appointed captain
usurp his/her authority and take control of selections , pairings and tactics.
11. Taunt and tease members in an attempt to exacerbate their inferior feelings about them-
selves. In between telling dirty jokes , use sexist and racist comments to develop the comic
side to your persona. Choose the most inappropriate times , but keep on persevering until
you get the desired result , say when victims of your targeted abuse become acutely hurt
12. Tell appalling lies and use over-the-top exaggerations when looking to defend yourself
against complaints regarding your conduct , or when wooing unsuspecting new members
into gaining their friendship and emotional support. Rid yourself of any moral guide or
conscience , but look for opportunities to portray yourself as ethically correct.