Saturday, 6 June 2015


( No sooner  had Bigot-Johnson been allowed back into the club following his 6 month suspension , he found himself back in front of the committee to face yet another disciplinary hearing. This was the result of a written complaint , supported by witness statements , alleging that he made a rude and offensive remark to an opponent over his woeful and inept play at the table. An extract from the hearing's transcript appears below. )

Chairman (C) : Bigot....did you call Arthur Brown  " an idiot " ?
B-J : Yes....and to be exact..... I called him " a complete idiot "
C : Well , that in my book represents a rude and offensive remark .....which we as a committee consider as gross misconduct on your part..... warranting a severe sanction of some kind
B-J : Excuse me....that remark was neither rude or offensive
C : So what was it then ?
B-J : I would define it as an astute observation based on the evidence of the three boards I played against him. The numb skull bid like a lunatic , and then proceeded to play the hands with the clear intent to lose tricks rather than win them. He gifted us three galactic tops as a consequence of his scrambled brain and lack of thinking.
C : Nevertheless your remark was rude and uncalled for...
B-J : Excuse me.....any impartial observer would regard my observation as most perceptive.....a simple statement of fact.....a justified and valid opinion.....a fundamental truth. Why I would go as far as saying it was a gross understatement in that the man hasn't got a functioning brain. I'm certain that many would view my comment as a mild compliment given the extent of his moronic and cretinous play. 
C : In this can't make such a cruel and nasty statement like that .....especially to his face.....knowing that he will be deeply offended and hurt 
B-J : The thing is...... although I was gifted 3 galactic tops I unfortunately fell victim to a cathartic emotional outburst......such was my amazement and disbelief as to how stupid this man could be
C : No excuse....
B-J : But hold on you lot....other impartial observers would see that it was nothing more than a whimsical remark , a bit of light comic banter , a reference to his village upbringing.....a tongue-in-cheek comment said in the spirit of good fun and bon hommie
C : But it wasn't ...calling Arthur a complete idiot was designed to crush his self-esteem
B-J : Not so....the man has no self-esteem ....for years he has never made it out the bottom three in any event he has played in. He is the butt of everyone's jokes.....the subject of both ridicule and humiliation wherever he goes. In fact Arthur has become immune to it all because of his impaired mental condition
C : more arguments were objectionably rude.....and you must therefore be punished with another lengthy suspension
B-J : I'm sorry.....but you're overlooking a couple of important legal points here. In any defamation case involving an alleged slander......the judge is duty bound to declare the truth as fair comment...... and given the fact Authur is an idiot it would appear that my comment was both valid and fair.
C : But this club has rules !
B-J : But these rules cannot override our precious and enshrined right to free speech. Indeed this freedom cannot ....and must not..... be taken away from me by petty club rules like yours. 
C : Oh...
B-J : observation ought to be considered as a genuine attempt to help this imbecile achieve a better understanding of his help him achieve a higher level of self-awareness. It was a verbal prompt to self-enlightenment. Medical professionals would concur that my helpful analysis of his disability fulfilled the basic criteria of an in-depth psychological and neurological diagnosis. Any doctor would be obliged to declare this man an idiot .....and he or she would be praised for such an assessment and paid handsomely in the process
C : Oh I what you're saying then is that your sole intention was to be helpful and informative
B-J : Exactly.....
C: Well.....on this occasion then we will give you the benefit of the doubt ....and let you off with a gentle warning
B-J : Thank you ......but all this goes to show that there are more idiots in this club than I first thought.....

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