BRIDGE BOOKS IN REMEMBRANCE OF A TRIAL THAT NEVER TOOK PLACE....... ( Research by Pun )

•  If You're Happy To End This Dispute , Then So Are We....................Les Shay Connett
• Members Speak Out On This Decision To Cut Losses And Run......Otis Horfall
• How One Member Described This Unexpected Outcome..................Des Asterman
• How Another Member Described This Sad And Sorry Affair.............Dee Backell
• Thank God This Long And Protracted Dispute Is At An End..............Gladys Hallover
•  This Dispute Has Caused Me To Frequently Wet My Pants..............I. P. Hallott
•  We Tried Before To Reach A Pay-Our-Own-Costs Settlement............Noah Vale
•  So What Was This Offer That The Committee Accepted...................Hanz Downe
•  Let's Call An EGM And Declare Ourselves As Winners.....................Victor E. Raleigh
•  Going To Trial Is Like Sailing Blind Into Dangerous Waters..............Di R. Straits
•  No Way Were We Ever Going To Admit Our Mistakes......................Honor B. Blode
•  Let's Look Upon This Dispute With A Smile And A Laugh................May Kay Jokovit
•  Pursuing Litigation Is Nothing More Than A High Stakes Lottery .......Bjorn Toulouse
• As Committee Members There Is Only One Decent Thing To Do........Stan Downe

BACK IN THE BAR ROOM OF THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC , BIGOT IS GRILLED BY A RATHER ATTRACTIVE LADY.........

Lady : Bigot.....is it true that you gone all out to bed each and every one of your female bridge partners ?
B-J : Indeed Madam that is the case......
Lady : And how successful were you in this quest ?
B-J : Sadly in this game of sport I scored very badly......although I must say that my latest partner was far more obliging than the others
Lady : Well I never.....so please tell me was she interested in having sex with you ?
B-J : Hmm....let me think long and hard about this question...................yes, I would have to say she liked to have it....... infrequently 
Lady : Oh.....I'm puzzled......was that one word or two ? 

A SHORT PLAY ESPECIALLY WRITTEN FOR THE THEATRE OF THE ABSURD

( Inside a packed courtroom a perplexed judge questions the main defendant )

Judge : I take it the plaintiff is suing the bridge club committee for reinstatement and/or damages ?
Chairman : Well , that is absolutely right. The fool can't sue the club but it is not a legal entity ....being an unincorporated  association of bridge lovers and devotees. The plaintiff therefore can only sue the committee members , who he alleges wrongfully expelled him from the club
Judge : Yes....that makes good sense , but can I assume  that if he is successful , then you and the other committee members will all be personally liable to pay all his costs and any damages awarded ?
Chairman : Good Lord no.......that would be terrible. The club would have to find the money to pay all the legal costs 
Judge : But you said the club isn't a legal entity ....and that only the members are in a position to sue or be sued. This means it is the members' responsibility to meet any financial obligations imposed upon the unincorporated association they belong to..... which of course goes under the name of a bridge club
Chairman : That's right....it will be the ordinary members who are obliged pick up the legal bill.......not the chosen few who sit on the committee
Judge :That's a neatest arrangement I've ever come across. You foul up but it's others who will have to pay.
Chairman : No....no....you've got it all wrong. Any money which has to be paid will be taken from club funds. The members themselves don't actually have to dig into their wallets and purses. They just sit back and watch the club's assets wither away to nothing
Judge : Like seeing their investments losing money in a stock market crash ?
Chairman : Correct.....and yes....real cash for sure will disappear from from the club's accounts but for each and every member their individual loss is purely a paper one
Judge : I'm amazed....
Chairman : But at least you're getting the picture now. The plaintiff....the silly bugger ....has to suffer real financial pain to meet his excruciatingly high legal costs.........while our personal liability is nil..... all because of the absurdity of belonging to a club which in law doesn't exist , which then exposes all the members as guarantors of any debts which we the committee may have negligently incurred
Judge : Yes.....a very neat and concise summing up of the law

PLEASE TELL ME WHO THE HELL IS THE MAN IN THE LONG BLACK COAT ?

(  Well, according to Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber he is that an unforgiving , over-demanding , brutally cruel player ,   who unfortunately turns out to be your partner in a nightmare reality of an extremely tense , heated , emotionally charged,  competitive bridge arena. Inspired by Bob Dylan's classic song , the lyrics have been altered somewhat in order to profile and highlight the essential characteristics of " the man in the long black coat ". 

  

                                        "Man In The Long Black Coat"

Gossip mongers chirpin', the backstabbing’s high
There's a some poor bridge player hangin' dry
Window wide open whispering trees
Bent slightly forward from a soft gentle breeze
Not a word of warmth not even a note
Such was the coldness of the man in the long black coat.

Somebody seen him hangin' around
At other bridge clubs on the outskirts of town
              He looks so evil eyed , not one for foolin'       

        Should anyone challenge him over a ruling
Somebody said he often loved to gloat
   Such was the smugness of the man in the long black coat.

Preaching was his talking, the endless sermons he gave
                            Not to mention his passion to rant and to rave                                      All must heed his advice when he is their guide 

             They must never whinge or look dissatisfied            
It ain't easy to swallow , it sticks in the throat
Such was the blasphemous man in the long black coat.

           " There are no mistakes in my game " he would always say 
" It's an irrefutable truth ....people must see it that way
While other players simply fade and die , I just float
For the symbol of my greatness is my long black coat "   
                                                 

There's smoke on the horizon it's been there since June
Club members howling beneath the high crescent moon
Feel the pulse and vibration and the rumbling force
 As one after one tried to beat the dead horse
For when his insults were challenged they were always a joke
Such was the cunning of the man in the long black coat.

BIGOT DROPS A BOLLOCK…….

( Having just been suspended from the Slaughter House BC in what could only be described as a disciplinary hearing akin to a kangaroo court, a very disgruntled Pantopod decided to sue Bigot-Johnson and others for damages. With both parties called up before at judge at a pre-trial review , Bigot was in no mood to take any prisoners , as the following question and answer exchange revealed )

Judge :  What pray is your defence ?

B-J : We haven’t bothered to provide one

Judge : And why is that ?

B-J : There’s no need for one ? The man was a dog

Judge : But the plaintiff’s lawyers need to know what defence you intending to rely on with respect to the allegations of an improperly conducted disciplinary hearing

B-J : We did nothing wrong

Judge : But what if that isn’t the case ?

B-J : Well ….your honour….if we have cocked up then it’s no big deal…..the man was a dog

Judge : Why isn’t it a big deal ?

B-J : Because disputes like this…..involving dogs…..in small non-profit making , tiny little social clubs , such as ours , fall well outside the jurisdiction of the courts

Judge : Is that so ?

B-J : Yes….

Judge : And you’re suitably well informed to make such an assertion ?

B-J : Indeed I am

Judge : So please enlighten me as to your legal qualifications ?

B-J : I’ll have you know…. I’ve got 4 o’levels to my name….. one of which is LAW

Judge : And on the back of that knowledge, you assume I have no say on this matter

B-J :  Apparently not….

Judge : Well, I’m afraid I do…and it appears to me that this day has been a complete waste of everybody’s time

B-J : Too damn right it has…..a complete and utter waste of time……I could be at home pickling my onions

Judge : A state of affairs of which you are to blame

B-J : What !

Judge : And according to the rules relating to  “ wasted costs ” , you are required to pay for the plaintiff’s legal costs for this day , your own and the court’s …..payment in full within 14 days

B-J : I flabbergasted…. I can’t even draw my breath

Judge : If only that was true….

DIABLO HAS A GO AT HIS PARTNER........

Diablo ( D ) : Partner, why don't you stick to the system card  ?
Partner ( P ) : I generally do...
D : Then..why on God's earth didn't you open with that hand ?
P : I didn't like the look of it
D : So tell me what does an opening 1NT say on our card ?
P : 12 -14 points
D : And how many HCPs did you have ?
P : 12
D : SO WHY DIDN'T YOU OPEN 1NT ? 
P : I really didn't like the look of it
D : Listen muppet head .....how am I going to have any trust in your bidding if you don't stick to what's on our card ? Should you enter the auction later ,  I'm never going to place you with that number of points.
P : We were vulnerable , and the hand was a filthy 12 count with very little in the way of trick potential. I had QJ.....Qxxx....Kxx... KJx   which in my mind offered sod all. Bolster the hand with 10s , 9s and 8s , with honours in the longer suits and I'm bidding. Point counts don't allow for judgement based on years of experience
D : Please stick to the system card .....
P : But you don't 
D: WHAT !!!
P : Twice tonight you've opened 1NT on 11 points
D:  Partner....that's different .....bidding involves stretching , pushing the boat out and being bold....not being a wimp and taking jaundiced views all the time
P :  Well, in my book......you should practice what you preach... and cut out the hypocrisy 
D : If there's any cutting to be done....then it's going to be your scrawny little neck 

LAW REPORT : DIABLO V BIGOT-JOHNSON AND OTHERS (2016)

Seen as the common enemy the self-proclaimed Prince of Darkness was finally banished from the club by a determined Bigot-Johnson and his God-loving, bible bashing , crusading supporters. Diablo of course didn't take too kindly at being the victim of a well planned and orchestrated witch hunt , complaining bitterly about the way his expulsion was clinically executed. Desperate to get reinstated he decided to pursue his grievance all the way to the High Court. The following extract comes from the trial's transcript , just before the case came to a sudden and abrupt end.

Counsel for the plaintiff  (CP) : Bigot ....did you kick poor old Diablo out of your club on a trumped up charge of making a blasphemous remark at the table ?
B-J : Yes we did.....the man is the devil incarnate......in fact much worse. For years he's been doing wicked and malevolent things ......creating hell on whatever table he happens to be sitting at...
CP : Is that so ?
B-J : Yes....and what's more he gets everyone all fired up and burning with rage
CP :  Is that so ?
B-J : Yes.....he even plays devilish tricks on those he dislikes. The man shows no remorse for any pain he inflicts on his victims. He's the embodiment of a fascist , racist , mean-hearted, rampant , horny sexist ogre
CP : Is that so ?
B-J : If we were to save the club from eternal damnation he had to go . The pit of despair we were in was enormous.
CP : So please tell the court Bigot what the precise details of this blasphemous remark , which became the subject of a complaint ?
B-J : He said " Jesus Bloody Christ .....I've just allowed my opponent to lock me in dummy ! "
CP : Is that it ?
B-J : Ah.....one mustn't overlook his unholy body language. He gave this opponent the evil eye
CP : But wasn't that because his opponent had previously commented on my client's " goatie-looking " appearance
B-J : Well who wouldn't given that Diablo always turns up to the club in cloven feet and a tail between his legs
CP : Sorry.....but your club policy forbids discrimination against members who are born with physical disabilities or abnormalities
B-J : Oh I forgot about that...
CP : And this so called evil eye was nothing more than a red eye from constant crying over his partner's inept bidding and play
B-J : Oh I never realised that....
CP : And Christ of course died a bloody and brutal death on the cross
B-J : Too true
CP : So my client's remark was more a statement of fact than a blasphemous remark
B-J : I guess so.....
CP : Therefore the disciplinary charge against him had no substance or merit whatsoever , making his expulsion both wrongful and invalid
B-J : Not so....his banishment was based on all his past sins which according to our dossier go as far back as tempting our membership secretary , Eve Adams , with a juicy apple in order to gain entry into our club 
CP : And how big is this dossier ?
B-J : Exactly 666 pages... each one around 300 words  
CP : How long it take to compile and write up ?
B-J : It took our secretary May Dittup the best part of a year to research Diablo's past and embroider the facts
CP : Is that so ?
B-J : Yes....its contents were so shocking ,  we advised anyone who wanted to read the dossier to do so one paragraph at a time in the presence of a psychiatrist or doctor
CP : A long read indeed....
B-J : So naturally the committee viewed this blasphemous remark at the last straw ....or the one which broke the camel's back
CP : Had he been warned he was on final notice ?
B-J : No.....
CP : Had he been informed as to the likely consequences of this alleged wrongdoing ?
B-J : No.....
CP :  Was he invited to hear the case against him and to present a defence
B-J : No......because there was no point.....our minds had already been made up long before and the dossier completely justified our actions
CP : Well , that kind of hearing smacks of kangaroo court justice... so loved and revered by committee members of small social clubs , who believe that they can ignore the law with impunity
B-J : Needs must when the devil drives
CP : Ah....but this devil is not so black as he is painted
B-J : This committee would stubbornly refuse to accept that view
CP : You see poor old Diablo is simply a devil-may-care character who rides on a fiddlestick. Your case against him is , in Shakespeare's words, " much ado about nothing "
Judge : I agree....and for both parties who have brought this ridiculously frivolous case to court the costs are going to be the devil to pay  

BIGOT'S BEHAVIOUR COMES UNDER SCRUTINY....

CARP GETS ANOTHER REPLY.........

Dear Carp ,
The Stourbridge bridge club is a proud institution , and we the Committee have also introduced a highly successful zero complaints policy. Buggers who puts in irrelevant , petty and insignificant complaints find themselves in deep do-do. We have no time for wimps , whingers and moaners.
Mind you we don't expect our members to have the guts , will power and resolve to man up. Some of them , the poor souls , are too gentle , kind and considerate by nature , and expecting them to change into hard nuts overnight is both unlikely and unrealistic .
Instead , for those members who need , or ask for ,  " protection " , the Committee have spent large sums of money on providing free-of-use items made available to all members potentially under threat. These include :
1. Dark sunglasses so no one can read what the eyes might be revealing
2. Ear plugs to negate the impact of any verbal attack 
3. Facial masks which provide the ultimate dead pan , emotionless look 
4. Pilots' licences which allow the holders to handle and operate flying bridgemates
5. Membership badges belonging to the local karate club
6. Pencil sharpeners to be keep long pencils perfectly sharp and pointed at all times 
7. Little black books to list those for which retribution and vengeance will be carried out
8. Stiletto shoes and footwear with steel-toed caps
9. Walking sticks which double up as long cudgels 
10. Face mascara and paint to help create a mean, Machiavellian look
11. Toothpicks in case members prefer to write up their scorecards in Biro
12. Copies of a book on " The Perfect Murder " to be kept in view at all times 

As in the animal world protection used the weaker species often involves " fooling " the would-be-predators that attack might not be such a good idea. If club members appear able and willing to give as good as they get ,  then the rude obnoxious bullies inevitably back down. This approach has worked brilliantly here at Stourbridge : no incidents , no complaints. We only witness a bridge environment where mutual respect is the norm.

  

SLOPPY DEFENCE GIVES THE GAME AWAY

In a teams of four match I was sitting South holding J976 K543..10...KQJ6 , when my LHO opponent opened a spade 
........suppressing his 6 card diamond suit. This in due course
turned out to be a brilliant move on his part. My partner over
called 2H with a cavalier air of bold defiance. My RHO bid 
2NT alerted as a good raise. I responded 3H which was then blasted away by a 4S bid . Two passes to me and so I doubled.
What this is a wise double ? Sadly , on our defence it proved
a disaster. 
Partner led out the Ace of hearts which received a signal from me to switch to clubs . Oh no....then came the Ace of diamonds on which I played my singleton 10. Surely , my partner would continue the suit ?
Oh no....next came a heart taken by my King. End of defence and
minus 790.
Best defence for us would be two red aces , K of H and two diamond ruffs , which would have happened if my RHO had opened 1S. So where did my partner go wrong ?
If after the Ace of hearts he led a club declarer still has a real problem. He needs to force out the Ace of diamonds before drawing all my trumps. This he cannot do if partner holds up his Ace of diamonds until the third round. Then a second club forces declare to ruff in hand and ultimately my jack of spades will make.
Can declare do better ? I don't think so. Playing on diamonds exposes my singleton allowing partner to give me a ruff. Drawing my trumps with the diamond Ace still outstanding would be an act of suicidal madness. His only hope is to get North to part with his diamond Ace on the first round , then hopefully be in a position to finesse my jack of spades for the contract. 
Our pair went 2 off doubled in 4S for minus 500. A horror board indeed. 

CARP GETS A REPLY.......

Dear Carp ,
I thoroughly endorse what you about zero tolerance policies, and the need to introduce instead a no-nonsense , " man up " ,  zero complaints policy.
In every other sport I know of competitors are expected to man up and show raw guts , courage and resolve , when opponents choose to behave in an aggressive and provocative way. No one says in football you can't foul or bad mouth the opponents. But there is a price to pay if you do , and that's how it should be. Players must learn to face the fear , and be content that wrongdoers will be punished. Indeed , psychological warfare is part and parcel of any competitive sport , and this often involves " psyching out " an opponent. Who in God's name has ever heard of a boxer being reprimanded for giving his opponent the evil eye or a threatening look ? 
However , having said all that there are many other " zero " policies which bridge clubs should introduce , and enforce with the proverbial iron fist inside a velvet glove. Policies which should all take precedence over zero tolerance :
1. Zero hesitations
2. Zero slow play
3. Zero bullying
4. Zero cheating in all its many and varied forms
5. Zero hypocrisy
6. Zero elitism
7. Zero nepotism
8. Zero favouritism
9. Zero false , incomplete or misleading bid explanations
10. Zero secrecy
11. Zero shenanigans
12. Zero incompetence
13. Zero gerrymandering
14. Zero abuse of power
15. Zero money wasting 
16. Zero conspiracies
17. Zero hidden agendas
18. Zero corruption
19. Zero witch hunts
20. Zero back-stabbing

The  toleration of these behaviours is pure insanity , and how can it be right to crack down on those who react badly to these unacceptable forms of behaviour. They have a right to forcibly respond and verbally attack such wrongdoings , and those who continue to look the other way and turn a blind eye. Moreover , it is my firm belief that by focusing attention on these " zero " policies , members'  anger , frustration and discontent would ebb away .....and with it the rage that brings on rudeness and bad mouthing.

HOW TO SURVIVE THE GAME OF BRIDGE.....( Article by Carp )

The rigours of bridge are both demanding and unrelenting . So we have two choices. One is to play bridge in clubs totally committed to zero tolerance policies , where members are forced into strait-jackets of conformity. This of course turns the playing area into a benign , sterile environment. The other option is to MAN UP the members , developing their immunity to fight off all the shit that might fly their way.
The latter approach is the one chosen by the committee of the Slaughter House bridge club. Indeed , lessons in manning up are given alongside beginner bridge lessons to help new members in particular to survive in hot bed of bridge arenas.  This reduces the number of complaints to zero ( in accordance with the club's zero complaints policy ) since unacceptable behaviour , rudeness , bullying and other forms of misconduct are all treated with a nonchalant pinch of salt. Members there take everything in their stride having chosen to man up instead of moaning. This culture change has been readily accepted by both men and women of all ages.
But what then does " manning up " involve. Well  Ronnie , the club's top man , has been gracious enough to provide the definitive answer :

1. Always be ready to strike the first blow
2. Get it firmly into your head that attack is the best form of defence
3. Never trust anyone, even your partner
4. Speak and act with real authority
5. Remember that " wimping " is for wimps
6. Adopt an air of invincibility 
7. Look down on idiots , numpties , slow players and cheats with venomous contempt
8. Never let incidents get to you ( because in the context of the universe ) everything is
    insignificant
9. Recognise the fact that events are never predestined : everything that happens is 
    determined by a hotch-potch of random events
10. In the face of adversity show true grit
11. Keep a knuckleduster close to hand
12. Stay fit and take up karate

BIGOT MAKES ANOTHER SHOCKING CONFESSION.....

Bigot , Ronnie and Reggie were in the bar of the Slaughter House BC taking about their respective female partners , and the amount of control they each have over them. Ronnie and Reggie were doing all the talking , whilst Bigot remained strangely quiet. Each recounted instances when their respective lady partners were told in no uncertain terms that tears and nagging might well result in them being hospitalised. 
After a while Ronnie turned to Bigot asking " What about you then...as chairman of this club are you any different ? What sort of control do you have over lady partner ? "
" Why just the other night , she came to me on crawling her hands and knees .... "
Ronnie and Reggie were completely taken back by this revelation from someone they perceived as a wimp.
" No kiddin'....so what happened then ?
" Well.... " Bigot replied , ".....the bitch then said:, ' For Pity's sake....get out from underneath the table and stand up like a man.... while I mercilessly bollock you for binning that cold slam ! ' "    

BIGOT-JOHNSON IS FORCED TO FACE A HARD TRUTH ABOUT HIMSELF........

Partner : Bigot ...our partnership is at an end. I'm quitting for good .
B-J : I don't understand why......for am I not a good player ?
Partner : Have you ever won any trophies or competitions ?
B-J : No....I can't say I have
Partner : Well that's because you are a LOSER. You were always a loser and you will always be loser. You bid and play the cards like a loser. You 'll be a loser until the day you die. And if they ran a world-wide competition for the biggest bridge losers , you would come second !
B-J : But why only second place ?
Partner : Because YOU'RE A LOSER ! 

NEW RULES FOR THE MEMBERS OF THE BENIGN BC
(USA)......ALL IN THE SPIRIT OF ZERO TOLERANCE !

1. In order for this club to grow and prosper financially , members must attend duplicates on a regular basis , which means of course cutting back on holidays.  Members' holidays therefore are considered to be completely unnecessary. All members should realise that there is nothing better than bridge, and that they are damn lucky to belong to a club as good as this. Should any member cancel a duplicate to go on holiday , this will be considered by the Committee as being disloyal. Consequently , the Committee will assume that the member must be unhappy with his/her duplicate experience , and will cease to be considered as a valuable revenue source to the club. Dismissal will of course have to be seriously considered by the Committee. 

2. The Committee will consider it a sign of weakness and bad practice should a member cancel a duplicate on the grounds of sickness. It is the duty of every member to attend weekly duplicates irrespective of their state of health. No one wants to see small fields where results are disturbingly skewed. Moreover , a visit to the doctor by a member is considered totally unnecessary as sitting seats will be provided for those unable to stand or walk. The Committee believes that if members can make it to their doctors or local hospitals , then they are certainly well enough to attend the club.

3. If a member's relative or friend has died then that excuse will not wash with the Committee. Unfortunate as this may be , there is obviously nothing much which can be done for the deceased other than let others dispose of the body. Therefore , The Committee will not accept such a death as a legitimate excuse for not attending a duplicate evening. The joy of bridge should never be jeopardised by the misery of trauma and grief. Funerals , if members insist on attending them , will need to be arranged for mornings only in order to make sure they can get to the club on time before the duplicate session starts.

4. Should a member's death occur prior to the start of the duplicate , the member should have both the decency and foresight to arrange a replacement for him/herself to avoid any risk of inflicting this inconvenience on the club. In such circumstances the Committee have the right to take disciplinary action , and impose a life ban posthumously.

KEY QUESTIONS ALL CLUB MEMBERS SHOULD ASK WHEN A NEW CHAIRMAN APPEARS ON THE SCENE ( HAVING HAD HIS/HER ARM TWISTED TO TAKE UP THE POST ).........An article by Carp inspired by the shenanigans going on in Unit 373 


1. Who is in whose pocket ?
2. Which way will he/she lean ?
3. What alliances have already been formed .....and with whom ?
4. What promises had to be kept by the chairman......and to whom ? 
5. What agenda will the new Chairman bring to the committee table ?
6. What checks and safeguards , if any , are present to stop any abuse of power ?
7. Whose voice(s) will he/she be listening to when wielding his/her new broom ?
8. How far will the chairman operate behind closed doors in defiance of the need for openness
    and transparency ?  
  

BIGOT EXPOSES HIS BRAZEN DISREGARD FOR OTHERS WITH A SHOCKING REVELATION..........

( Because neither does he....... )

KEY PARTS OF THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC'S UNWRITTEN CONSTITUTION

1. The Chairman knows what's best for the club
2.  The Chairman always has the last say on what the written rules of the Constitution  mean
3.  The chairman can change any of these rules he/she believes is in need of alteration, 
      modification or deletion , at  any time without having to give the membership any prior 
      notification whatsoever
4.   Ordinary members are forbidden from obtaining any knowledge of these unwritten rules 
      and/or any real understanding of the written rules
5.   If the Chairman suspects that ordinary members have obtained forbidden knowledge or
      understanding of important and highly sensitive rules , he/she has the power to gag these 
      members or to permanently exclude them from the club 
6.  The Chairman is never wrong
7.  If the Chairman is ever proved to be wrong in his/her interpretation of the rules , it is due to
     an unfortunate misunderstanding , which happens to be the direct result of something said
     or done by irresponsible ordinary members 
8.  If the above applies , then these errant and wayward members must apologise immediately
     for causing this misunderstanding , along with a pledge to do penance
9.  An apology without a grovelling and beseeching request to receive harsh and brutal 
     punishment cannot be accepted as genuine
10. The Chairman is entitled to change his/her mind at any time on any issue , statement of
      intent or promise
11. Ordinary members are forbidden to hold any contrary opinions or views to those held by
     the Chairman , but should they share the same views they are certainly not allowed to 
     change them
12. Ordinary members may not in any circumstances point out that their chairman has ( a )
      changed his/her mind , or worst still (b) got no mind at all  
13. The Chairman has every right to be angry , upset and irrational at any time or all the time
14. Ordinary members must remain calm at all times , and be fully prepared to bite their own
       tongues and suffer in silence
15. The Chairman is allowed to be ready when he/she is ready
16. Ordinary members must be ready at all times and jump to attention the moment the
      Chairman issues a command
17. Committee members have no other duty but to support and back The Chairman
18. Committee members must pledge their allegiance and undying loyalty to the Chairman
19. No one must ever doubt the integrity, ability and dedication of their true and only leader
20. The office of the Chairman is a permanent position

A VERY NEARLY TRUE STORY.......( By Bridgemeister Gibson )

Although feeling remarkably fit an extremely active 70 year old bridge player decided it would be a good idea to see his doctor for a full medical check-up. When the check had been completed the doctor said "  My God man.... you really are in great shape. I can't find anything wrong with you. You'll probably be playing bridge till you're a hundred. So tell me ....how old was your father when he died ? "
" Did I say he was dead ? " came the reply.
So the doctor then asked , " How old is your father , is he still active ? "
" He's 93....he jogs daily to keep fit..... and plays bridge at least 4 or 5 times a week to keep his mind active "
" Well ....that's amazing....so how old was your grandfather when he died ?
" Did I say he was dead ? "
" Good grief....you mean to tell me that you are 70 years old and both your father and grandfather are alive ? And is your grandfather still active ? 
" Yes....and all 3 of us are lifelong members of the same bridge club . In fact my 116 year old grandfather .......who has been a widower four times ....... is now marrying his very young and attractive female partner  "
" Unbelievable.....but why on earth would he want to get married again... at his age ?
" Did I say he wanted to ? "   

CONFUSED ABOUT A BID ? WELL THERE'S NO NEED TO BE IF YOU ADOPT THE PRACTICES OF THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC'S EXPERT PAIR

Let's face it we mortals are all victims of a bidding system where one bid can only mean one thing , when in an ideal world you would really like it to mean another.
Take for instance a typical auction where you and your partner quickly establish possession of a long solid minor suit , but with an eye on the superior 3NT contract. So when your partner introduces a heart bid for the first time at the 3 level , what message does it carry ?
Clearly , the answer depends on the initial bidding so far , what's stated on your system card , and what's your agreed bidding style. Therefore a 3H bid could mean any one of the following :
1. A four card heart suit
2. A small singleton
3. A cue bid
4. A good heart stop 
5. I have half a heart stop  
6. I have a really weak heart stop 
So how do our resident experts manage to enjoy all 6 options , and communicate to partner which one applies to their 3H bid ? The answer is simple. It depends on the extent of their pausing , and the deep anguished pain that goes into their thinking process. And this is how it works so beautifully to their advantage.
1. Immediate confident bid = a genuine heart suit
2. Short pause , confident bid = a singleton
3. Short pause , but a more carefully considered bid = a cue bid ( possible slam interest )
4. Long pause , confident bid = a good heart stop , so bid 3NT partner if holding Qx in the suit
5. Long pause slightly pained thinking =  Qx of hearts , so relay 3S partner with a good heart 
                                                                      stop enabling the 3NT bid to come from this side 
                                                                      of the table
6. An even longer pause , real agonised thinking = a weak heart stop here J10 or Jxx , so can 
                                                                      you help partner ( bid 3S with Qx or 3NT with Qxx )

So yes.....bridge is an easy game if you put the right elements into your bidding style , along with of course the absence of a moral conscience.

YET ANOTHER LIMERICK.........

There was a lovely sweet man from Rhyl
You thought bridge might offer a thrill
But with slow players at fault
Play often ground to a halt
So he became psychotic and ready to kill

YET ANOTHER CATCHY LIMERICK FROM THE MIGHTY PEN OF DR. SIGMUND T. SCHUKELGRUBER......

There was an old lady from Gratton
Who always played bridge with her hat on
She never stopped bragging
She never stopped nagging
So partner clubbed her to death with his baton

BIGOT FACES UP TO THE JUDGE WITH SOME DIFFICULT EXPLAINING TO DO.......

Judge : Why in God's name didn't you offer Pantopod an agreed sum of damages in return for him dropping the law suit for his reinstatement as a member ? 
B-J : WHAT !! Paying that toerag money would be an outrage and unforgivable sin. For years he has been the scourge of our club upsetting members left , right and center. How can courts condone the actions criminals and villains ?..... They should set about hanging them. Paying that man any sum of damages would be an act of pure INSANITY ....
Judge : Yes.....but forking out £70,000.... and planning to shell out much more.......on outrageously expensive legal costs......now that's what I call insanity
B-J : Yes....but there are certain principles at stake here which must be honoured at all costs
Judge : Like what ?
B-J : Like....not allowing the committee to be blackmailed by the threat of a law suit....like not caving in to his demands to resolve this dispute through mediation for that would be tantamount to a complete capitulation on our part.....and like standing up for what we believe was a right and just decision to expel this obnoxious Pantopod
Judge : Can you not see that these principles are nothing more than abstract ideals which fly in the face of common sense. The club happens to be a concrete reality and its members are living , breathing human beings. Some morally sound principles have to be sacrificed for the better good , which in your case is the financial survival of your club and its future existence. This fundamental and overriding concept of utilitarianism requires you to incur a short term loss or sacrifice .....to secure a much greater long term benefit. This means therefore... you have made two calamitous errors of judgement.....one in refusing mediation at the outset.... and the other , when ordered to go to mediation , by turning up....... brandishing non-negotiable pre-conditions
B-J : Hold on your honour.......you must remember......we are the ones being sued 
Judge : Did it not occur to you that there were good well-founded reasons for the plaintiff wanting to seek justice ?
B-J : Pantopod was a sinner........expulsion was the punishment he rightfully deserved
Judge : But not as a consequence of the shameful manner and way you went about the disciplinary process......rules of natural justice cannot be flouted no matter who is in the frame .....and no matter what kind the misconduct he has been accused of.....
B-J : Oh dear....is that really what the law says
Judge : I'm afraid it is....and ignorance of the law is no excuse
B-J : Bugger....bugger....bugger

BIGOT LETS GO ANOTHER LITTLE SECRET.........

THE NORTHERN PRO COMES CLEAN......

NEWSFLASH : APPALLING INJUSTICE INQUIRY FINDS INJUSTICE  " APPALLING " 

An internal sub-committee inquiry into the shocking injustice of a club member being expelled for moving a bridgemate across the table in an inappropriate way decided a drastic overhaul of the club's disciplinary procedures was called for. Their remit was not to correct the appalling injustice but to hopefully ensure that cruel and heartless injustices like this will never happen again. The sub-committee chairman , Lloyd Whyowhy , said of this shocking tragedy " no way can we have a repeat of this ,  if the club is to avoid costly and crippling law suits ".
Indeed , the inquiry recommended that the following :
1. Disciplinary hearings must allow the accused member to be present in order to defend
    him/her self against all listed charges , details of which adequate notice must be given
2. Internal appeals against any alleged wrongful expulsions must be heard by members who 
    are capable of scrutinising the questionable disciplinary procedures with clinical objectivity   
3. Any perceived injustices which can be labelled as " appalling " must be reported back to 
    the committee as " calamities like this must never occur again .....at least for a while ".
4. The report may also include requests for something to be done or at least for something
    which has the appearance of being done 
5. Table money should be increased by a £1 so as to put aside money to build up slush
     funds to finance legal costs
The inquiry team must draw attention to the fact that their primary duty is act in the best interests of supporting the committee , and never to demand or even suggest any change to their decisions. Their role is merely to identify and label appalling injustices purely as a matter of historical record.  

SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC CREATE EVEN MORE AWARDS FOR MEMBERS INCAPABLE OF WINNING COMPETITION TROPHIES...........

Yes , Bigot-Johnson yet again has come up with exciting new awards to ensure that even more members are included in the prize giving extravaganza which immediately follows the AGM meeting :

Green Eye Award.......for the player whose envy of partner's superior skills is all too apparent
Eagle Eye Award.......for the player who spots and picks up even the smallest nuances of the
                                     opponents' behaviour to extract crucial information about their hands
Black Eye Award.......for the unfortunate member who after being on the receiving end of his 
                                partner's wrath picked up the biggest shiner
Eye On The Ball Award.......for the most thorough and resourceful member who never misses 
                                         out on what shenanigans the committee are up to 
Eye Sore Award.........for the  member whose appearance and dress sense enters the realms
                                 of disgust , vulgarity and utmost bad taste
Half An Eye Award.....for the kind of cheat who while playing one hand is casting a look at what
                                  cards are in play on the adjoining table
Turn A Blind Eye Award.......for the member who by pretending not to notice or comment upon
                                           the blatant misdeameanors of others is equally at fault
Evil Eye Award...........for the player most able to make his inept partner fear for his life with just 
                                a single glance
                                     
                                   
                                      
    

BIGOT-JOHNSON, CHAIRMAN OF THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC , DENIES IN COURT ACCUSATIONS OF LYING.........

Counsel for the plaintiff (CP) : I put it to you Bigot-Johnson that you are a liar 
B-J : Are you suggesting that I am guilty of telling porkies , pooling the wool over the members' eyes , pulling fast ones ,  never being on the level ,  speaking with a forked tongue , engaging in sharp practices , creating smoke screens , spinning yarns , taking members for a ride , and talking a complete load of bollocks.......?
CP : Yes.....all of those things ......and more
B-J : Let me assure you.... and this court..... I am a man who never tells a lie
CP : Oh....so please explain then why all your written submissions contain dozens of falsehoods and gross misrepresentations of fact .......which are so far from truth as to beggar belief. You have repeatedly substituted true facts with pure fiction
B-J : I resent that accusation?....
CP : So please tell the court how do you account for the shameful discrepancies which I have unearthed during this trial ?
B-J : Listen smart arse....these documents I submitted contained no lies to my knowledge......
although I must admit....on occasions .... I was just a bit economical with the truth
CP : That Bigot is a gross understatement
B-J : Surely one is allowed to stretch the truth a bit in a bold and desperate effort to get across a point more effectively ?
CP : If only that was case....
B-J : And surely there's no harm in hedging an issue if it's not the right time to come clean. And yes.....maybe I am guilty of prevaricating a little .....
CP : Bigot.....you have no shame......you lie through your back teeth
B-J : No sir....I do not....although I must admit to some dissembling and dissimulation of the facts.....not to mention dabbling with alternative truths......but as for lying ....absolutely not
CP : Man up for once in your life , Bigot..... and admit your guilt
B-J : Well ....I am prepared to confess to making innocent and inadvertent mistakes....and getting hold of the wrong end of the stick.....perhaps based on basic assumptions to begin with being inadequate......but I have always tried to be technically accurate
CP : You can say what you like about your failings and shortcomings.... but lies are lies
B-J : Indeed there are....however .....it is my contention that the pursuit of truth is chimerical. Therefore,  my guilt can only be that of pursuing the most convenient arrangement of facts which I consider to be pertinent and relevant to my ideas  
CP : Bigot.....you are beyond redemption

BIGOT EXPLAINS WHY A VOTE FOR HIM MAKES GOOD SENSE.......