BRIDGE BOOKS ALL THE EXPERTS SWEAR BY...............................( By Pun )

• Playing Bridge With Transvestites....................................Pansy Boyes
• What Comes After Green Points?....................................Goldie Wands
• How A Buiding Society Team Won Crockfords..................Abbey Nashnell
• Evidence That Convicted Bigot-Johnson............................Tess T. Mooney
• If Things Can Go Wrong, They Will...................................Murphy Slorr
• Explain That Convention Again Partner, Please.................Clara Fye
• Where's Our Opponents, Then?.......................................C. N. E. Boddy
• Hunting For Gold ?.........................................................Jason Rainbows
• I Suffered An Expensive Divorce Because Of Bridge...........Ali Monie
• I Love Big Fields.............................................................Lee Meadows

MORE TABLE ANTICS TO REPORT............................( Article by Dr. Signund T. Schukelgruber ) In the near future I intend to report on a hand where an Irish international opened 4C on his one count, holding a 5-0-1-7 distribution. But today I want to gripe about another top international, playing 2 suited weak 2 openers, who opened 2S on just two HCPs. This clearly suggested a convention with a very wide ranging point count !! So has the bridge world gone mad, or are we witnessing the re-emergence of the psych as the new exciting approach to modern day bidding. The following is an extract is part of the match report from The Independent's bridge column : " As is so often the case thesedays, especially at favourable vulnerability, West had a disruptive toy at his disposal. He opened 2 spades , which showed five spades and 4+ in a minor, 0-10 points". In actual fact he held : J10932....93..3... J10764 , but it was these two phrases that scared me the most : " so often the case"......"disruptive toy". Why wasn't the reporter more to the point? The phrase " highly aggressive and intimidating bidding antics" surely would have been more appropriate. I'm desperate to know now what's happened to the rule of 18? Why are the ruling bodies in the game ( even at levels 4/5 ) giving the green light for players to open on the rule of 13 ? This figure, of course, is based on a 5-4-4-0 distribution with zero HCPs. Why haven't they allowed these mavericks to open at the one level when possessing a single suited hand showing 0-9 HCPs, with 1NT showing 10-12? If it's OK to open on zero points at the two level, then surely it's right that the same can be done at the one level? However, in my humble view, the game is taking on all the dimensions of poker with its equivalent of "blind" bids, outrageous bluffs, intimidating calls......not to mention table presence, which can be used to spot and interpret tells. I can only conclude that if such bidding antics , or should I say developments, permeate their way down into the humdrum arenas of local bridge clubs, then heaven knows how many newcomers and novices will head straight for the exit doors.

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY...................................................................................

• Menace : a trouble-maker who needs to be isolated in some way
• Bust : either a hand without values or the major attribute of your club's most sought after female player
• Filth : a term given to a hand that contains a few HCPs but offers little in the way of being useful. It is was first coined by a player who pre-empted 3 hearts on six to the king and nothing else. When his partner bid 3NT only to go 5 off doubled for minus 1100, he was immediately rounded on for not having his bid. The well documented reply was swift and instructive: " Listen, you ought to know that some of my non-vulnerable pre-empts can be bid on filth ! "
• Game : the first objective in the quest for winning a rubber. Then having got the rubber, the next objective is to find a partner who is far more able and willing
• Green card : an item one must have to pass through USA customs if intending to earn a living as a bridge professional in that country
• Shuffle : the sad and distressing way that most bridge club members move their feet as they struggle to get around the tables

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES........................................................................................ Bridge to some might become a religion, but religion as such has no place in most bridge clubs across the world. The membership doors are open to anyone who becomes interested in the game.... whatever their race, colour or creed. However, there is one syndrome that gives the impression to those looking on that their bridge club has turned into a church of some kind. The HALO SYNDROME can be quite worrying for all those concerned. Indeed, a certain minority of members will be susceptible to contracting this affliction, which tends to lock in when pious and pompous players bring home difficult contracts. Symptoms can include a compulsion to preach to others how to play the cards, or proclaim that they have been blessed with this God given ability to succeed. They strongly believe in divine inspiration and being gifted in some way. They are more than happy to thank the Lord when things go right. However, as feelings of invincibility develop so does their ability to look extremely smug. Sermons become longer and more frequent.....and with nowhere left on the club premises for the uninitiated to find peace or sanctuary..... the club for them becomes a living hell. Unless this syndrome is nipped in the bud, many victims will then go on to see themselves as Disciples Of The New Way in bridge, wanting others to follow in their footsteps. Thankfully, there are others, less deluded, who just simply take up teaching bridge, having received of course a call from above.

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES............................................................................................. Of all the afflictions that affect bridge players, there is one I find particularly difficult to treat. The reason for this is my own irrational but deep seated prejudice against those who are victims of the MOUNTEBANK SYNDROME. The name derives from an ancient Arabic word "Mittithshem" meaning "Mighty sham", and it appears to affect about 1 in a 1000 of the bridge playing population. Victims feel compelled to seek constant approval and recognition from their peers, but are unable to do so due to their limited ability and potential to progress. However, nothing will stop them in their quest for fame and glory, and onto the backs of bridge giants they climb. Inevitably, tournament triumphs become a reality. What makes this condition so tragic.....possibly even repulsive......is that sufferers pay for this piggy back ride big time, emptying their piggy banks in the process. But what really gets up most people's noses, including mine, is the way these victims conspicuously flaunt their associations with top tournament players. Blinded by delusions of grandeur, they actually believe they are respected by these well-paid super stars. Indeed, they become utterly incapable of seeing the scorn and derision of both those who are looking on....and those who say yes to their money.

PROFESSOR HU CHI KU CHI ON THE ORIGIN OF THE TERM "KITCHEN BRIDGE" Many of us have associated the term with people who play bridge at a very basic and inferior level. But this misconception needs to be corrected here and now. I have spent years researching into its true origin. Now with complete authority, I can tell you that the term "Kitchen Bridge" derives from the early 1930's, when in Stourbridge the membership of a newly formed bridge club consisted only of cooks and culinary experts. Not only did they prefer to play in the kitchen, where food and beverages were closer to hand, they also found it necessary carve up opponents and butcher a few of their contracts. However, it was the colourful language used, drawn from the ingedients and food items used in popular recipes of that era, that really brought the term into vogue. Kitchen bridge was therefore all about the practice of hurling kitchen-baste insults at partners who failed to bring home the bacon. Players often had to endure the classic jibe of having cooked their own goose. Many were labelled as muffins, fruitcakes, prunes, dumplings, lemons and puddings. They were often accused of bidding on tripe, being completely nuts....or just simply crackers. One famous line was " to get out of that pickle you had to preserve an entry in dummy". And if there is a moral to all this......well, never partner an intolerant, verbally aggressive chef, because if you do you'll get egg on you face. There can be no point in volunteering to be roasted alive, especially if you've been told about this wise old Stourbridge idiom: " if you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen ".

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG....................................................................

• Dear Rebecca, Please find enclosed a series of hands which highlight my bidding, declarer play and defence..................so you can offer an-in-depth diagnosis of my weaknesses and shortcomings. Please feel free to include all your observations and constructive criticisms. I am of course prepared to reimburse you for the time and effort involved. Yours Amy Ming Hi
• Dear Amy, These hands have provided me, and all my friends, with endless hours of amusement. Nevertheless, I have made a start to the list you have asked for, but it may be several months before you receive the first volume (of the ten envisaged ). Yours thoroughly, Rood
• PS. You currently owe me £363.50 for work completed to date

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT REALLY SUCK...............................................( By Pun )

• When Things Go Wrong Partner, Just Take A Deep Breath....Justin Hale
• Someone Has Mis-boarded These Hands.............................Susan Orty-Boyden
• Bigot-Johnson Has Had His Day......................................... Eamonn Tothatt
• Bridge Internationals Invade France......................................Norman D. Landings
• Conquering All Before Me....................................................Victor E. March
• So What If I'm An Uncultured Ignorant Bridge Player..............Phyllis Tyne
• I Really Lost It Last Night At The Club..................................Kirsten Swore
• Learning To Say Sorry To Partner........................................Ira Pent

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY.............................................................

• Imps : what irritating, mischievous players, of little stature or morals, generally play for
• Congress : the ultimate act of bonding with partner.....often the biggest event in one's life
• Inverted minors : vertically challenged players, or ones young in age, who prefer upside down signals
• Top table : one that is usually occupied by the leading players, who expect VIP treatment and preferential waiter service
• Positive response : a favourable reply ( your place or mine ) to your come-on signals
• Negative response : the most common response to out-of-the-blue jump bids, especially from lady players with either reputations to protect, or possesing rather prudish and inhibited dispositions.

FANTASY BRIDGE................................................................................ ( By Pun ) And there it was: the two leading pairs ( by a mile ) finally arriving at the top table to decide who went away with the Cardinal's Pairs Trophy. Sitting N/S were Noddy and Pinocchio, who were up against the E/W pairing of Tom Thumb and Frankenstein. Never was a match so eagerly anticipated by the view-graph audience that day. Seven boards were now waiting to be played.

• Board 1. The two young toy-boys, renown for their cautious and wooden bidding, took a right flier on some very meagre values to punt 4 spades. Pinocchio was declarer, and after pulling all the right strings, he cleverly brought the overly-ambitious contract home.
• Board 2. Frankenstein had agreed to let Tom Thumb play his mini-notrump. With the cards their way Tom found himself in an awkward 6 NT. With his declarer play being a little suspect on occasions, now was the time to pull his finger out and get a result. Receiving a tiny bit of good fortune the small slam came in.
• Board 3. Pinocchio was still waiting for the bell to ring to pass the boards on, so Noddy duly obliged by shaking his head. " Get real, Pinocchio....we pass them on as soon as we've played them." Noddy then started the auction with 1 NT to which Pinocchio responded 2S (weak but with a 6 card suit). Noddy, maximum with 4 card support, bid an invitational 3 spades. Pinocchio could now smell the possibility of another thin game. His 4S bid proved spot on as 10 tricks came rolling in.
• Board 4. Frankinstein's partner was beginning to get nervous....he was all fingers and thumbs. Nevertheless, Tom surprisingly mustered sufficient courage to open one heart in third position on the lightest hand imaginable. Indeed, he had so little in the way of useful values, he genuinely felt Frankie would blow a fuse. The tension in this match was really electric and highly charged. Frankie was fast running out of energy.....but then, as if struck by a lightening bolt, he suddenly sprang back to life with an inspired 3 spade splinter bid. Tom rightly felt that this bid improved his hand sufficiently to risk 4 hearts. And with a favourable trump break, the contract came storming in.
• Board 5. Tom by now was thumbing through his convention card checking up on their defence to the opponents' 1 NT. He had also asked Frankie to adopt slow approach bidding, as he was never comfortable with big jump bids and limit raises. As it happened, Pinocchio opened 3 diamonds, Frankie doubled, and Tom with his six clubs to the king/queen broke his own rules by jumping to 6 clubs. This was doubled for one off. Frankie was not amused. In his eyes, Tom was a liability, out of his depth.....and most of all a right pain in the neck. Tom had really stitched him up good and proper this time. Pinocchio's pre-empt was a psyche of sorts, but Tom should have guessed......given the fact that he had noticed Pinocchio's nose sticking out far more than usual.
• Board 6. Frankenstein was fast losing faith in his sense of self and identity as a successful bridge player. What he needed was some brain-wave to retrieve the situation. And so when his opponents bid a frisky 6 diamonds, he stuck in a lightner double......and prayed: " Please Tom just use a little bit of imagination please....and lead a spade." Well, small miracles do happen....Tom did lead a spade for Frankie to ruff, and defeat the contract. The match it seemed was level pegging.
• Board 7. Noddy suddenly came forward with an admission that his big ears had overheard comments from the next table about this board. As always his child-like logic prevailed. And just like the statement " we need to build the roof first, in case it rains ", he parps out "we need to play the hand first, in case what I heard gives me an unfair advantage". Tom and Pinocchio limply agreed. Frankie also didn't fancy a dead hand to end the match.....especially as he had been dealt with a rock-crusher. As fate would have it the result was flat, but this meant in racing parlance Noddy and Pinocchio had just won by a nose.

Tom, belittled by the whole experience, decided to leave the venue in order to thumb a lift home. Frankenstein, full of rage, decided to go on a rampage......but the two unlikeliest of winners, regarded by most as " complete wooden-tops", graciously admitted they " had lacked the polish to be called great champions".

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY.........................................................................

• Moron squeeze : one in which a clueless and dumb declarer thinks he is executing a squeeze, when it is plainly apparent to all the other players at the table that such a possibility does not exist
• Pseudo squeeze : this is another example of a moron squeeze but with one fundamental difference. Here the declarer knows that a squeeze is not possible, but the clueless defenders convince themselves otherwise. This false belief and distortion of reality often leads them to make reckless and rash mistakes with their discarding.
• Cue bid : this occurs when rather rude and impatient players push ahead of others, so that they can be first in line to be served at the bar
• Tempo : the rhythm generating by those annoying types of opponent, who are forever strumming or tapping their fingers on the table
• Feature : something you would like to do in a team match but your general lack of ability condems you..... everytime...... to being exposed as the worst pair ( after the butler scoring results come through )
• Closed hand : a euphemism for declarer's clenched fist

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES........................ Another syndrome I regularly encounter with bridge players is called the SNOW WHITE SYNDROME. There are two strange things about this affliction that as yet no psycho-analyst has been able to explain. Firstly, it affects only groups of players and always in numbers of seven. Secondly, every affected person in the group goes on to display just one of seven classic ( but closely related ) symptoms. However, one common factor emerges: the syndrome reduces all sufferers into petty-minded individuals..........who tend to lose all sense of proportion and perspective, when small incidents occur at the bridge table. One victim will turn grumpy, others moody, snappy, touchy, sulky, picky, and tetchy. Once the syndrome reaches epidemic proportions within a club, membership shrinks under the deluge of complaints about the growing problem of bad behaviour. Introducing best behaviour policies have had little effect such is the scale of petty-mindedness adopted by those affected.

CRACKING GOOD BRIDGE BOOKS I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO MENTION.....( By Pun )

• Oh No, I've Just Mis-played Another Hand.......Fidel Sticks
• Over Bidding And Lost Causes.......................Noah Vale
• God Answered My Prayers, Partner...............Glory Bee
• Captain, If You Need Me, I'm Available............Sadie Ward
• I Gave That LOL A Right Good Pasting...........Shona Watts-Watt
• If You Don't Mind, I Prefer A Sitting Seat.........Chester Field
• I Hate Day-time Bridge..................................Gladys Knight
• Don't Monkey Around Partner........................Jim Panzee
• What Me?...A Bully?.................................... Percy Cooter
• I Prefer Bridge To Poker.................................Moira Less

A FEW WORDS FROM THE BIGOT HIMSELF.......................

• Dear Readers, To date this is my100th post, and despite the fact my blog site is one of umpteen millions on the net I have mustered at least 540 profile hits. I'm sure that out of this number there are a few who have not been disappointed.
• There will be many bridge enthusiasts gutted at the discovery that there's sod all in the way of bridge hands, and deep analysis on bidding, defence and declarer play. Well, that's no big deal....because out there are hundreds of sites/blogs that do a really excellent job in that department.
• This is the only dedicated site that opens up the real world of bridge for those curious to know more about it. Bizarre as it may seem, beneath all the lampooning, satire and sarcasm that goes on, there is an attempt to provide some interesting and realistic insights to this strange world of card-playing addicts.
• So for the few out there with the same twisted mind and dark sense of humour as myself, there is still much to come which I'm sure you'll enjoy reading. I would very appreciative indeed if you could find the time to post me a few comments ( complimentary or otherwise ). I would always welcome some constructive feedback.....plus any suggestions and ideas on topics I might be able to explore?
• Anyway, thanks to all those who continue to make an effort to follow this blog. Yours the one and only, the irrepressible Howard Bigot-Johnson

LAW REPORT: BIGOT-JOHNSON v BOZO THE CLOWN (2000) .....the continuing saga.....................

Yet again we see Bigot-Johnson returning to the Crown Court hell-bent on another private prosecution against his partner, Bozo The Clown. Below is an extract from the transcript of this most unusual trial.

• Judge: Back again so soon Bigot.....pray tell me...what are you alleging this time?
• B-J: Malicious persecution, your honour...
• Judge: Enlighten me....please...
• B-J: Well, firstly Bozo keeps pestering the team captain to have me as his partner.....for me that is malicious persecution in itself. But what makes this persecution even more malicious is that fact he keeps making blunders that completely tear me apart. The pain.....the suffering I have to endure.....playing opposite him is like....... being the victim of a sustained non-stop psychological assault......And what really puts a big capital "M" on malicious is the way he religiously preserves an honour card, despite the fact that the only way to make the contract is to jettison it !
• Judge: So you feel persecuted then by his repeated acts of incompetence and stupidity?
• B-J: You've got in one.....so let me tell you about the hand that cost me my sanity, and cost the team the match. Bozo , over there, find himself in 7S after very agressive bidding from West on his eight-card heart suit and 4 diamonds to the king. As dummy I tabled: void....K2.....AQJ8.....QJ98654... Bozo was staring down at his pretty impressive : AKQJ7542....A3....1053.....void....
• Judge: So what happened...?
• B-J: Well, a heart was led by West..... which this supreme clown ....without any due thought or consideration ......elected straightaway to play low from dummy taking the trick in hand with his Ace. Then he decided to run off all eight of his spades.....leaving himself in dummy with the heart king and AQJ of diamonds. He then successfully finessed in diamonds, but now he was locked in dummy having to concede a diamond loser to the king at trick 13. I had never felt so persecuted and put upon in my life !
• Judge: Well, should he have done?
• B-J: Bozo needed to find East with no more than 4 trumps, and so his only plausible line of play was to jettison the King of hearts under his Ace at trick one. Then after running all his eight spades, West's goose is well and truly cooked.... If he elects to keep 4 diamonds, then Bozo can confidently lob the small diamond away from dummy, and run the 10 of diamonds from hand. Unlikely to be covered, Bozo will be in dummy with the jack of diamonds........... but he can now get back to hand in hearts ( by means of a cleverly engineered entry ) to take the diamond finesse again for the contract.
• Judge: That's neat..
• B-J: Moreover, if West elects to keep 3 diamonds and a boss heart, then all Bozo had to do was lob the small heart from dummy and run the 10 of diamond which guarantees him 4 certain winners in the suit. Without doubt your Honour this pantomime buffoon has been put on this earth to persecute me.....
• Judge: As much as I concur with your declarer play analysis, your legal analysis I'm afraid is flawed. Bozo...yes...is as you say is a pantomime buffoon.....who provides amusement and laughter for those looking on. He is quite simply incapable of forming malicious intent because he is just that....incapable of forming any intent, such as seeing home a grand slam in spades. It is on that particular observation I recommend to the jury there is no case for Bozo to answer.
• B-J : Bugger......bugger.....bugger

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY........................................................................

• Astro : the type of car that bridge players of limited financial resources tend to buy
• Directional Asking Bids : these are commonly made by visiting players forever wanting to know the way either to the toilets or the bar
• Unbalanced : refers to either a player or his/her hand, where both share the same characteristics: strange, lop-sided, abnormal, weird
• Touching suits : a term used to describe two well-dressed members, who are standing far too close to each other
• Prepared club : a heavy wooden object chiseled and shaped like a cudgel or baseball bat: occasionally used to punish undisciplined partners
• Playing tricks : something that practical jokers often do upon unsuspecting members. Whoopee cushions carefully hidden inside the upholstery of bar-room chairs is a favourite
• DOPI : a bidding convention that owed its origins to a sleepy-eyed player from Noddington BC, who was at the point of dozing off when an oponent thumped down an alarming bid over his partner's 4NT blackwood enquiry. His subsequent "pass", born out of confusion and disoreintation, caused the opponents to make their own enquiry. And so came back the legendary reply: " By passing this bid, this dopi bastard probably has one Ace...because if he hasn't he's more like to double ! "

TIME FOR A CHANGE.......SO BRING ON THOSE OSCARS ( Article by Carp ) Let's face it.....for most bridge clubs, competition trophies have had their day. With declining membership numbers, club events pull in less and less entrants. This means, more often than not, the same old faces walking off with the silverware. Perhaps, it also reflects the fact that very few competitions are handicapped, enabling pairs and teams from the upper echelons in class and ability to succeed time and time again. Well, surely it's time for clubs to consider alternative awards, which are up for grabs for all members,providing real opportunities for new faces to enjoy the limelight.....and gain recognition for their outstanding achievements. The solution is so straightforward and simple: clubs must set up their own Oscar awards. This could be done as part of a big social event with music, food and entertainment thrown in for good measure. These golden awards ( no expense should be spared ) can cover a vast range of achievements. So I have compiled a suggested list to get the ball rolling so to speak:

• Best HISTRIONICS award for the player who indulged in the most blatant exhibition of over-reacting to partner's unfortunate errors
• The PUFF ADDER award for the most self-deluded player who acts as though he/she is one of the club's rising stars
• BEST DIRECTOR award for the most courageous TD, having made decisions made against high profile but very intimidating players
• The EXCALIBAR award for up to 2/4 players who performed beyond their....and everyone else's ......widest expectations, putting many illustrious opponents to the sword
• Best SUPPORTING ROLES award for both male and female, whose winning performances upstaged those of their top-of-the-billing partners and/or team-mates
• The BEST ANIMATOR award for the player who elected to act the goat in an important match, just because he/she thought fooling around with the bidding might produce a few good scores
• The KAMA SUTRA award for the most prolific 69-ers, who regularly get their act together to produce scores in excess of 69%
• The BROKEN WATCH award for the player who recorded the slowest ever play of the cards, which brought both the table and time itself to a complete and utter standstill
• The SOUR GRAPES award for the most petulent display by a player with regards to the making a scene and the a never-to-be forgotten dramatic exit
• The HUFF AND PUFF award for the player whose wolf-like performance at the bridge table brought the house down, with kibitzers utterly captivated and blown away by such outrageous and ingenious play
• The ICARUS award for the player who, after scaling the dizzy heights of stardom and flying high, made the most spectacular fall back to earth with a scorecard steeped in shame
• The INCY WINCY SPIDER award for the rookie player who continued to make progress up the watery spout of the club's duplicate leader-board, despite numerous downfalls and pour results
• The DRESDEN award for the player who has taken the most sustained and undeserved flak but still emerged unscathed, going on to rebuild his/her game to the next level
• the CAMEO award for the player who without prompts found the only line of play to bring home a contract that no-one else managed.......even against best defence

( If any reader would like to suggest one or two of their own please use the comment box facility to forward them to me. If I get a sufficient number I shall publish another follow-up article quoting the best .....with credits duly acknowledged. Thank you. )

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT HAVE STOOD THE TEST OF TIME...( By Pun )

• Partner, You Were Rubbish, But...........................Aleisha Tryde
• Is The TD's Ruling Worth Appealing Against?.........Mae B. Knott
• My Favourite Bridge Stories..................................Jack N. Ory
• I Defended Like A Dick.........................................John Thomas
• Coffee Helps Me Stay Alert...................................Maxwell House
• What Did The Opponents Do To Upset You?..........R.U. O'Kaye
• Inter-state Bridge Teams Final..............................Ida Hoe & Mitch Egan
• How Do You Rate Our Chances Now, Partner?....Fay Dinaway
• I Cost Us The Championship...................................Ima Pratt
• Bigot-Johnson Needs Stamping On........................ Penny Black

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES.................................................. Continuing with my review of most unusual syndromes, here are two more which constantly plague bridge playing communities around the world.

• APOLLO NINE SYNDROME: This affliction tends to strike those players who now and again achieve moments of greatness.......briefly tasting the sweet sensation of stardom. The corrupting influence of accolades and publicity will send their expectations sky high. They wallow in the glory, boasting of better things to come. Nothing, at first, will get them down off cloud nine. However, the inevitable string of mediocre results that follow their triumph now start to remind them of their true status and rather modest ability. Not surprisingly, those feelings of euphoria are replaced with feelings of emptiness and despair. A reality-check is completed when future competition results see them firmly stuck at the bottom with all the other no-hopers and novices. This clearly demonstrates to the world at large (and themselves) the flukiness of their earlier triumph. And it is this final and stark realisation which brings them down to earth with a rather massive bump........and with egg all over their faces.
• ALICE IN WONDERLAND SYNDROME: This is a unusual variant of infla tedego, affecting only those players whose awareness of reality is very suspect.The strange thing about this particular syndrome is that victims develop a belief that their bridge brain is much bigger than it really is. By having some technical ability to bid and play the cards, the syndrome somehow distorts their perceptions of self to such an extent.......they firmly believe they are players of the highest calibre. Moreover, they perceive other players as being incredibly weak, inferior and insignificant. Therefore, they stand head and shoulders above them. Their grossly distorted delusions of grandeur, and skewed sense of proportion, actually leads them to look for bigger stages on which to perform. Their local club, alas, becomes a building reduced to the size of a doll's house...... far too small for such bridge giants like themselves to ever consider entering again .

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY.................................................................................

• Top of nothing : term used to describe the winners of consolation finals
• Double dummy : what declarer sees when overdoing the alcoholic refreshments during the interval
• RHO : a southpaw, who always leads off with a few probing jabs
• Trump reduction : a technique involving ruffing dummy's side suit winners ; rarely used except by tight-arsed expert players
• Spot card : what many defenders fail to do. By not registering the fact that a certain card has already been played, they inevitably foul up the defence later on
• Claim : the reckless practice of impatient declarers, who either get it wrong or fail to give a full and clear explanation of how the remaining tricks are to be won