FANTASY BRIDGE................................................................................ ( By Pun ) And there it was: the two leading pairs ( by a mile ) finally arriving at the top table to decide who went away with the Cardinal's Pairs Trophy. Sitting N/S were Noddy and Pinocchio, who were up against the E/W pairing of Tom Thumb and Frankenstein. Never was a match so eagerly anticipated by the view-graph audience that day. Seven boards were now waiting to be played.

• Board 1. The two young toy-boys, renown for their cautious and wooden bidding, took a right flier on some very meagre values to punt 4 spades. Pinocchio was declarer, and after pulling all the right strings, he cleverly brought the overly-ambitious contract home.
• Board 2. Frankenstein had agreed to let Tom Thumb play his mini-notrump. With the cards their way Tom found himself in an awkward 6 NT. With his declarer play being a little suspect on occasions, now was the time to pull his finger out and get a result. Receiving a tiny bit of good fortune the small slam came in.
• Board 3. Pinocchio was still waiting for the bell to ring to pass the boards on, so Noddy duly obliged by shaking his head. " Get real, Pinocchio....we pass them on as soon as we've played them." Noddy then started the auction with 1 NT to which Pinocchio responded 2S (weak but with a 6 card suit). Noddy, maximum with 4 card support, bid an invitational 3 spades. Pinocchio could now smell the possibility of another thin game. His 4S bid proved spot on as 10 tricks came rolling in.
• Board 4. Frankinstein's partner was beginning to get nervous....he was all fingers and thumbs. Nevertheless, Tom surprisingly mustered sufficient courage to open one heart in third position on the lightest hand imaginable. Indeed, he had so little in the way of useful values, he genuinely felt Frankie would blow a fuse. The tension in this match was really electric and highly charged. Frankie was fast running out of energy.....but then, as if struck by a lightening bolt, he suddenly sprang back to life with an inspired 3 spade splinter bid. Tom rightly felt that this bid improved his hand sufficiently to risk 4 hearts. And with a favourable trump break, the contract came storming in.
• Board 5. Tom by now was thumbing through his convention card checking up on their defence to the opponents' 1 NT. He had also asked Frankie to adopt slow approach bidding, as he was never comfortable with big jump bids and limit raises. As it happened, Pinocchio opened 3 diamonds, Frankie doubled, and Tom with his six clubs to the king/queen broke his own rules by jumping to 6 clubs. This was doubled for one off. Frankie was not amused. In his eyes, Tom was a liability, out of his depth.....and most of all a right pain in the neck. Tom had really stitched him up good and proper this time. Pinocchio's pre-empt was a psyche of sorts, but Tom should have guessed......given the fact that he had noticed Pinocchio's nose sticking out far more than usual.
• Board 6. Frankenstein was fast losing faith in his sense of self and identity as a successful bridge player. What he needed was some brain-wave to retrieve the situation. And so when his opponents bid a frisky 6 diamonds, he stuck in a lightner double......and prayed: " Please Tom just use a little bit of imagination please....and lead a spade." Well, small miracles do happen....Tom did lead a spade for Frankie to ruff, and defeat the contract. The match it seemed was level pegging.
• Board 7. Noddy suddenly came forward with an admission that his big ears had overheard comments from the next table about this board. As always his child-like logic prevailed. And just like the statement " we need to build the roof first, in case it rains ", he parps out "we need to play the hand first, in case what I heard gives me an unfair advantage". Tom and Pinocchio limply agreed. Frankie also didn't fancy a dead hand to end the match.....especially as he had been dealt with a rock-crusher. As fate would have it the result was flat, but this meant in racing parlance Noddy and Pinocchio had just won by a nose.

Tom, belittled by the whole experience, decided to leave the venue in order to thumb a lift home. Frankenstein, full of rage, decided to go on a rampage......but the two unlikeliest of winners, regarded by most as " complete wooden-tops", graciously admitted they " had lacked the polish to be called great champions".