THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY...............................................

• Howell : a loud cry of anguish made by a player who after winning the toss for a sitting seat, then finds out the movement card makes his table an all-moving one
• Fit : something that players regularly throw ( alongwith their cards ) when either results go from bad to worse, or when partners' mistakes become unforgiveable
• Misfit : a situation where you have a super fit with one of your opponents! It was recently reported that a player from Bristol BC elected to play in 7S holding a rather tasty AKQJ1087 in that suit, only to find his LHO opponent holding the other six spades to the 9.
• Rabbit : an extremely apt name given to a player that displays the following characteristics: (a) freezes up with fear when put under the spot-light (b) forever jumps about in the bidding without purpose or direction (c) spends too much time rabbiting on instead of listening to sound advice
• Game : what sex-seeking players in particular strive for with regards to winning a rubber. Then, after getting a rubber, what characteristic they hope to find in one of their next few partners
• Take-out : an instruction you would give to a hit-man with regards to your partner, who has failed on several occasions to recognise your doubles were simply showing the other unbid suits.....and not penalty ones, which were foolishly left in
• Contract : (see take-out) a term given to arrangement between a highly disgruntled bridge player and a professional hit-man
• Open up a suit : a highly undesirable practice undertaken by male bridge players often during the play of a hand. This may involve undoing a few buttons or zips. It was once reported that an australian bridge player from Perth ( a cattle farmer by trade) opened up his suit, whereupon his female partner stood up and boldly claimed " when somebody has to take the initiative and get active, there are no flies on him".