TIME FOR A CHANGE : SO LET'S BRING ON EVEN MORE OSCARS ....... ( A cheeky but hard-hitting follow-up article by Carp )

Almost a year ago I bravely and boldly suggested Oscar type trophies should be handed out to club players who managed to achieve great things other than winning a club competition. These gold plated Oscar awards ( at no expense spared ) would enable dozens of players to have a stab at glory no matter how pathetic and wretched they were at bridge. So here are a few more suggestions for club committees to ponder over, if they want to consider handing out more prestigious awards at their next AGM or prize-giving ceremony:

- The ITCHING POWDER award for the player who has proved himself to be the club's biggest irritant, forever getting under every one's skin

- The ALICE IN WONDERLAND award should go to the committee member who clearly operates in a fantasy world, turning all committee meetings into Mad Hatter's tea parties

- The BLACK DEATH award for the player who no one wants to partner or play against

- The PIGGY-WIGGY award for the most objectionable player, well renown for his/her constant grunting, snorting, and sticking-their-nose-in-where-it's-not-wanted antics

- The LEMMING award which recognises the incredible achievement of a player who has pushed the self-destruct button more times than anyone else, with his suicidal overcalls, and reckless overbidding

- The OSTRICH award which can only be given out to themselves, if there's evidence to show that they ( the committee ) have developed an uncanny knack of burying their heads in the sand, whenever a big or awkward problem comes along

- The BIG EARS award for the player whose listening skills are second to none, tuned in at all times to loose conversations about boards just played on nearby tables.... which of course are heading his/her way

- The LADLE award for the club member who has done that much stirring, the club has been deluged with malicious gossip and scandal-mongering rumours on a scale never seen before

- The BARE FACE CHEEK award which should be handed out to the club's biggest and most outrageous hypocrite, who never in a month of Sundays practises what he/she preaches

- The POISON GAS CANISTER award for the player who has shown a natural talent to create an unpleasant atmosphere wherever he/she goes, antagonising and provoking others, and drawing them into awkward and difficult conflict situations

- The FROZEN RABBIT award for the most pathetic and timid player of the year who, if asked to perform on the big stage and put under the glare of the spot-lights, instantly becomes paralysed with fear and dread as to what to do next

- The WHITE STICK award which should be given out to the most biased TD at the club, who is unable to see the right course of action to take, choosing instead to be blinded by his/her own deeply seated prejudices against players considered inferior and therefore unworthy of justice

- The BROWN TONGUE award for the biggest arse-licker of the year, famed for sucking up to those in power and privileged positions, pompous sorts who spend most of their time talking crap

- The DUMB-BELL award which should be handed out to the player who made the most horrendous hash of a simple straightforward contract, where if other players had been asked to throw tricks away they would have still achieved a better score than this particular bumbledog

PHILOSOPHICAL REFLECTIONS ON BRIDGE ...... ( By Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

Today, I'm posting an extract from Hermann Hesse's " Autobiographical Writings ", which aptly describes The Human Condition ....something that affects men in general......but bridge players in particular.

" What is great or small, important or unimportant ? The psychiatrists call a man unbalanced if he reacts sensitively and violently to small upsets, small irritations, small injuries to his dignity, when quite possibly the same individual will bear up bravely under sufferings and shocks that most men find it very hard to take. A man who is insensitive to constant humiliations, who puts up with the most wretched music, the most miserable architecture, the most polluted air without complaint, but who pounds the table and cries bloody murder when he loses so much as a trifle at cards, is regarded as healthy and normal. In bridge clubs I have often seen men of good reputation, generally regarded as perfectly normal and honorable, curse and fume so fanatically, so crudely, so bestially - especially when they felt the need of blaming a fellow player for their losses - that I very much wanted to seek out the nearest psychiatrist and have these unfortunates committed. "

Such an interesting observation....such a terrible tragedy.....such a shocking truth.

PHILOSOPHICAL REFLECTIONS ON BRIDGE..... ( First in a series by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

THE PLEASURE AND THE PAIN

For many people, bridge is a meaningless, cruel and bizarre pastime......but for those of us who know and love the game, it is simply beautiful and magnificent. Yes, it can make fools and demons of us, but at the same time it can make us feel like Gods. Bridge is never a whim,,,,,,, it is a passion. Bridge is not a cruel sport it.......it is the ultimate challenge. People who have never played the game have no way of understanding its awesome appeal.

Bridge still tends to be more of a social game than a hard competitive sport, and even if it does get a bit bloody at times, it is far removed from the physically demanding games like boxing or football. For me the game is extremely gentle, subtle, far more beautiful and satisfying than any other recreational activity. Even when the game hurts us psychologically with a succession of bad results, or the relentless bickering of partners frustrated by your errors, the pain can be so easily washed away by the pleasures of recording a few good boards ........and the inevitable compliments that may come your way.

As players, we must endeavour to absorb painful experiences, the inexorability of disaster and defeat, into ourselves without shame or anger. We should not externalise our negative feelings by whinging and moaning.....but simply welcome and accept the despair... the anguish.......with an open mind and open arms. Only then can we really begin to experience the joy and pleasure this game of bridge has to offer.

As the great prophet Gibran once remarked : " The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven ? "

To a man dying of thirst, a simple glass of water becomes the the sweetest and most enjoyable drink of his life.

LAST NIGHT I LOST IT A BIT........ ( Article by Bridgemeister Gibson )

It was our first local league match ( teams of 4 ) and we were desperate to kick off the season with a win. At the mid-interval we were 22 imps up, and things were going well in the second half despite a bad 13th board. Then came hand 17, where my partner opened a lucas 2H ( weak two suiter ) and with my shapely 13 points and trump support I jumped straight to 4H.

After 9 tricks had been accounted for, my partner had to totalled six , the opponents 3. Partner now held KJ of hearts and two boss diamonds. In my hand ( dummy ) there was spade Q, 105 of hearts, and the club jack. The 7H was still outstanding but this was held by the declarer's LEFT hand opponent.

When partner tabled the boss diamond he claimed. His LHO immediately jumped in stating that she had an outstanding trump and therefore ( a) could ruff in and (b) demand that declarer play any other card from dummy other than the 10 of hearts ! I protested . The TD was called for. To my dismay, he seemed to agree with the opponent's version of her rights. I protested again, claiming that declarer can not be expected to play like a lemon, or adopt any unreasonable line of play. Even if he had overlooked this outstanding trump, on the lie of the cards, she was never in a position to make it. Moreover it was impossible for her to make a trick with the 7 given the fact it could so easily be over-ruffed. ( It would be a completely different matter if the RHO held this card, and declarer had foolishly discarded a club or spade loser on the diamond ). The fact it was on his left clearly indicated that it was impossible on any chosen line of play for her to make a trick. Still the TD wanted the contract to be set by one trick. By now I had completely lost it demanding that he read out from the BOOK, a clear ruling which allowed the defender in such a situation to dictate which card had to be played from dummy. As he couldn't find one, he elected to review the position at the end of match, with me stating quite forcefully that I would appeal against any 4H-1 verdict.....if even if I had to go all the way to the European Court of Justice.

Thankfully, at the end of the match the very sporting, gracious and honest opposition captain acknowledged that it was unreasonable to expect declarer not to over-ruff the 7 of hearts , whether it was was played on the first or second diamond .

Although I feel a little ashamed at allowing my frustration and annoyance get the better of me, I do feel justified to voicing my protests. So would anyone out there like to offer their knowledge and wisdom regarding the rules on " unstated " claims, and how they might apply to this situation. Would they have reacted like me, full of disbelief and protest at what the defence saw as an absurd opportunity to beat an unbreakable contract.

ADVERTISEMENT : BLUES CD

BY JOHN LEE HOOKER

ENTITLED "BRIDGING THE BLUES "

Yes folks, blues man John Lee Hooker produced countless great albums over an amazing 50 year period. However, one superb compilation, an absolute priceless rarity, had all its tracks dedicated to those " hard done to " bridge players......a group to which most of us belong. In Hooker's mind we all understand and empathise with the blues, the feelings of pain, woe, depression, misery, rejection, defeat and loss. So here is the album's track listing, which also includes selected extracts from the original sleeve notes.

I'M IN THE MOOD - a more up beat number reflecting the usual short-lived optimism bridge players start out with before sitting down at the table

WE ARE COOKING - a rollicking high energy song that captures the initial euphoria that players often experience if the first few boards go their way

YOU HAVE TWO HEARTS - a tale about a missed game in hearts all because partner's bids denied any heart holding whatsover, when in actual fact he held jack doubleton

HOW CAN YOU DO IT - a hard hitting song about exasperation, frustration, and anger over partner's inept bidding and play

HOW LONG CAN THIS GO ON - more blues with angst , where the pain and misery of one bad board after another really begins to intensify

MEET ME AT THE BOTTOM - a boogie number in which tells of down and out players confirming their predictions about about a bottom four placing

LORD WHAT CAN I DO - a heart-rendering blues and gospel mix, where desperation compels the player to ask God for inspiration or answers to resolve his plight

THE FEELING IS GONE - a slow moody dirge describing how a distraught player allowed the impact of disaster and pending humiliation to finally kill of what little hope or enthusiasm he had left for the final session

CALL IT A NIGHT - a song that focuses on the painful realit for playersy of not only having to accept that their performance today were awful , but perhaps they are not really capable of ever performing well

BURNING HELL - a biting fast tempo blues number where a player's anger turns on his partner, expressing sentiments of where he would like him to go on leaving the venue

GOING HOME - another up tempo number where the player decides to put the misery of his poor performance behind him, deciding instead to look forward to comforts and pleasures that might await him at home

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED.....................

• Unblocking : the removal of ear-plugs after finishing a session unscathed with a ranting foul mouthed bully as a partner
• Menace : an alternative name given to the likes of a foul-mouthed ranting bully
• Stripping : a manoeuvre which involves getting rid of a player's suit leaving him exposed and vulnerable to a well executed end play
• Bidding infraction : this occurs whenever the responder wants to make a limit raise , after say a 1S opener by partner, and so he decides to stick in a 2 and a half spade bid. He does this by fingering the 3S bidding card first before placing the 2S bid on the table
• Bare queen : a gay bridge player after an effective stripping manoeuvre
• Amnesia double : a confident double which you know will come off because you are on lead, but one which is destined to fail........... having completely overlooked the fact that declarer is sitting to your left
• Take-out double : a thunderous left and right which knock your partner out cold
• Responsive double : a retaliatory left and right to partner's head, after he foolishly took a swipe at you
• Rhythm double : a sucession of left and rights, all done of course in perfect tempo

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : THE JONAH COMPLEX

This disorder is an extreme variant of the more commonly known Superiority Complex. Indeed, within the bizarre world of bridge, there is an alarming number of players who ponce around displaying symptoms of the Jonah Complex. The statistics beggar belief !

Victims of this condition all too often aspire to join the ranks of the elite, looking to partner players who have excellent bridge credentials and glowing reputations. These sought after players , blessed with wisdom, foresight, and years of experience, inevitably end up wanting to give these Jonahs instructions and advice on how to improve their game. However, two of the most acute symptoms of this disturbing complex include stubborn disobedience, and wilful refusal, to play ball.....almost to the point of doing the exact opposite of what they have been told to do.

Just like the biblical Jonah from the Old Testament, these bridge Jonahs question the wisdom of their expert partners, choosing to ignore their words with a brazen arrogance that is breath-taking. They constantly complain, work to their own agenda, and disobey instructions with an air of open defiance........all because they believe they know best. The consequence of this uncooperative behaviour becomes all too obvious with an endless succession of wretched scores and embarrassing results. So victims with this complex soon end up as pariahs within their club, players who are seen as jinxed.....the carriers of bad luck and misfortune................fools, who because of their condition, are unable to learn any lessons.

The sad truth about these victims is that their misplaced notion in their own superiority, and their I know best and why the hell should I listen to you attitudes, are too well ingrained into their psyche. But unlike the repentant Jonah, who eventually the saw the mistake of disobeying God, afflicted bridge players are destined to carry on regardless. Their conceit and arrogance clearly borders on open rebellion and gross impertinence. In other words, I find them as patients utterly incorrigible and incurable.

Not surprisingly, the Jonah Complex has given rise to a popular phrase, so often used by other bridge players to describe those with this terrible affliction : " Don't partner him......he's a right Jonah ". This of course is a carefully disguised euphemism for either " what a pompous bastard " or " he's flamin' cursed ".

BIGOT-JOHNSON CALLS IT A DAY...............

Dear all,

I have reluctantly decided to give up playing tournament bridge, for I'm at that point where I no longer care ! After 42 years of agonising frustration of just missing out ( time and time again ) on winning a major trophy, I have now lost all hope of ever finding a partner, who knows what the dickens is going on. No one seems to understand my visionary bids and prism signalling methods. Anyway, I'm finding more fame and glory through my blog than I ever did with my bridge prowess.

So yes...I will not miss for a second all those smart-arsed, mealy-mouthed, up-their-own arses, smug bastards that turn up to these tournaments in their droves. To hell with trying to compete against players whose bidding systems are mystery to mortal men, players who cheat, and players who go squealing to TDs on any pretext they can possibly dream up. I've had it up to my neck playing in a field that is so unlevel it's almost vertical. Because you have to ask yourselves " how was it possible for one of the world's greatest players ( that's me ) to remain so anonymous for so long ? "

Naturally, I haven't given up the game......because I'm now going to do what I was really destined to do. Bunny bashing big time. Taking competent newcomers under my wing and showing them how to murder and marmalise novice pairs, who are and will forever be clueless bumbledogs. Shooting fish in a barrel is something that immediately comes to mind. So what's wrong with wanting to establish myself as the " affordable " club professional, for all those paupers on a limited income..... who we now let into our clubs these days.

However, it is the blog which will take priority over everything else because I am on a quest. Yes, I want every bridge player in the world to know my name ........as a legend in the cyber world of bridge blogging .....after the likes of Bobby and Julie Kay Wolff. Let's face it, my blog will never be dull because the world of bridge is so damn bizarre. Every god damn bridge club is like a theatre of the absurd, where we the players are actors. So it is my duty to expose all its absurdities that most of us choose to ignore.....especially if there is half a chance I might shock, amuse and entertain my readers in the process.

Yours on a roll, Howard Bigot-Johnson

CARP'S CORNER.......................

Victor Mollo may well have lampooned bridge players as animals, and here on this blog I have already satirised players' peculiar quirks and behavioural traits as incredibly bird-like........well, let me tell you that insects offer far more scope in identifying the stereo-types we so often come across in this bizarre world of bridge. So let's just look at a few examples to see exactly what I mean.

Ant - a busy and reliable type of bridge player, but one that operates only in a routine way

Bee - a relatively harmless player capable of delivering one effective sting only

Grasshopper - someone that flits ( hops) from one partner to another

Mosquito - a deadly sort who loves to bite and cause serious damage

Earwig - despicable cheat who listens in to post mortem discussions on other nearby tables to elicit crucial information about hands soon to be played

Centipede - one who turns up at the bridge table with a 100+ conventions on his/her system card

Grub - after bridge, food is their only other passion

Dung beetle - whatever happens in the bidding this player always lands in the shit

Leech - a hanger-on who fails take a hint: a wretched partner you can never get rid of

Worm - an ambitious creep who tries to burrow his/her way into teams way above his/her class

Stag-beetle - a male chauvinistic type

Cockroach - a despicable type of player who everyone would love to step on and crush at the table

Louse - an unkempt scruffy individual

Ladybird - a very attractive female club member

Spider - a cunning type who sets bidding traps that catches out the unwary fly bidders time and time again

Nit - a complete fool at the game

Flea - an irritating player, often capable of performing clever tricks , but easy to combat

Caterpillar - a young starlet destined to perform on the big stage

Preying mantis - the deadly expert, renown for his highly developed predatory instincts

Scorpion - not a person to mess around with at the bridge table, always ready to strike when opponents doze off

Greenfly - a beginner

Daddy-longlegs - an absent male club member, whose unfortunate parenting duties have taken precedence over bridge

Fluke - a player of no real skill but a winner nevertheless, seemingly blessed with endless good luck

Tick - a cautious bidder who always makes the contract exactly, often squandering in the process countless opportunities for easy overtricks

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG................

Dear Rebecca,

I would suggest that instead of introducing a whole raft of new, weird and fanciful, bidding cards, more should be done to develop the ones already there in the box. For instance, why is there only one red " double " card ? Given that are so many interpretations of its use, which is a nightmare for many who play the game, why not have a different coloured "double" card, for each possibility. This would certainly clear up the confusion and ambiguity that players experience from time to time.

So here are my suggestions :

Red : PENALTIES......which must not under any circumstances be removed

Pink : Optional......leaving it to partner to take a view

Yellow : Responsive and/or co-operative

White : TAKE OUT

Orange : All I have is a decent suit in the one that my RHO has just bid

Blue : Not sure what to bid, but at least partner you can bid again if you want

Purple : Just felt like sticking one in for the fun of it

Now how good is that ! And what's more I've also got an idea for separate coloured " pass " cards :

Black : Forcing

Grey : Mildly forcing

Cream : I would like double the opponents, but I'm short in their trump suit

Khaki : I've nothing more to say about my hand

Green : Absolute zilch......I have no interest in this hand/auction whatsoever

Turquoise : I have just a few points, but sod all help in the suit(s) you have bid partner

Brown : Partner, I'm out of this auction.....you're on your own

So with all these cards available in the bidding box, how can anybody go wrong ?

Yours doing my hardest to be helpful, Buster Gutt

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG..................

Dear Rebecca,

Thank The Lord God someone has seen the light and is prepared to challenge the bridge establishment, and put forward ideas for radical change. I love you.

As for my humble suggestion, it might lend itself to mis-use or plain abuse. Nevertheless, I do feel this novel bidding card has some worthwhile purpose and validity. In circumstances where you have psyched only to find you can't stop partner from bidding on, then this is the time to play the " pool of vomit " card.

This is a clear instruction for partner to leave the table before making a bid that condemns you to a galactic bottom. He will, according to what you've agreed on the system card, ask to leave the table to be sick. Moreover, he is not allowed to return until the round is about to end. This way the board being played, and possibly the next, will have to be scrapped with averages awarded.

The beauty of this card of course is many of your psyches might never get exposed or recorded, and there's always a guaranteed 50% board there for the taking. Should the psyche lead the opponents getting huffed out of a rock-solid game or slam, then pat yourself on the back, and write up the hand details for a gloating article in the club's next newsletter.

Yours as sly as ever, Howard Bigot-Johnson

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG................

Dear Rebecca,

How about this idea for a new addition to the bidding box : a " May Day - SOS " or " Thunderbirds Are Go " card . There are dozens of occasions where you have opened on an appalling or non-existent suit, only to see your LHO double, partner pass, and your RHO gleefully leaving the double in for penalties. This the time when you need to have a May Day card at your disposal.

The benefits of having this little gem are twofold. Firstly, it means the " Redouble " card is restricted to carrying only positive messages. Responder can use it to show good values, and the opener can use it bachgammon style to say " I want to up the ante because the odds favour me making this contract ". Therefore, when the May Day is played it clearly flags up an opposite message : " partner the odds of me making this contract are zero, so for pity's sake bid your best suit to help us get out of a dire situation ".

Yours always striving to overcome bidding ambiguities, Arther Brane

...........................................

Dear Rebecca,

What a fantastic notion of yours of having more bidding cards to choose from. The one card that is absolutely must in any bidding box is a " Guillotine " card. This would allow a player to stop his partner from bidding again, other than plonking down a pass.

The advantages of having such a card are tremendous. Firstly, it will avoid the calamity of partner making a phantom sacrifice against an opposition contract, which might well fail. Secondly, it will stop partner from making a likely bid which would be destined to incur a very painful and damaging penalty double. Thirdly, it enables you to control the bidding far more effectively, giving you loads more opportunities to be declarer.

Fourthly, it would stop partner from making unsuccessful and fatuous doubles. And lastly, it guarantees that even when you have a partner, who is an aggressive over-bidding maniac, the bidding can never go beyond the point where positive scores are certain.

Yours hating partners who stick their bloody necks out, Anne Boleyn

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG.......................

It has always seemed very odd to me that bidding boxes have never changed a jot, even though the game of bridge has moved on considerably from the time it was the social thing to do. For me, I see tremendous potential to make the game so much more enjoyable and exciting...........infinitely better for beginners and newcomers who find themselves up against some mean spirited experts.........if bidding boxes were to change. All that is required are just a few more innovative cards to stand alongside the pass, double, redouble, stop and alert.

Indeed, there are so many occasions where we find ourselves up the creek without a paddle, nailed to a cross, up against a brickwall, ready to clutch at any straw.....or should I say RESCUE CARD......which would enable us to escape from the bidding hole we so often find ourselves in. Having already put out a direct appeal to dedicated members of my fan club for any suggestions, I have been deluged with corrrespondence.........where lots of innnovative ideas as been carefully picked over. Letters I considered to offer the best ideas will be published in this blog over the next few days, starting of course with one here and now.

.................

Dear Rebecca,

What about a " Bozo the Clown " card, which allows a player to remove his partner's idiotic bid without penalty. This enables the bidding to revert back to the point prior to the Bozo making a clown of him/herself. Naturally, this will alert the Bozo to recognising the fact he has dropped a clanger, and that a rethink is in order. One would hope and expect a better and more constructive bid to emerge from the box, displaying a modicum of common sense and intelligence.

Yours throwing up a right good idea,

S. Ickey

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG..................

Dear Rebecca,

At this moment in time I seem unable to improve or upgrade my game. It's as though I'm permanently stuck on 3rd base.

Would paying and playing with better players help ?

Yours Amina Rutt

Dear Amina,

There's no question of doubt that sponsoring top players to be your partner in top class competitions will bring your game on in leaps and bounds. However, this is easier said than done.

For a start, have you got the money to be fleeced by these professionals ? Will these experts for hire be willing to be sponsored by you ? Will your self-confidence, self-belief and fragile ego stand up to the gruelling criticisms that will be heaped upon you, by those who are so adept at spotting mistakes ? Have you the mental agility and IQ to take on board more advanced problem solving, analytical thinking and card reading. I would have to say the odds are very much against you.

Remember this : sensible fish always look for a pond where they are never likely to end up as the minnow food for sharks ? Moreover, it's far far better to be a 5 foot tall giant in a land of dwarfs, than a 5'4" runt in a world of lanky basketball players.

Yours giving it to you good and straight, Rebecca Rood

YET ANOTHER NEARLY TRUE STORY ........ ( By Bridgemeister Gibson )

Not so long ago Bigot asked me to join him as his partner to check out a new venue in town, which advertised itself as a " men only " gay bridge club. Despite not being that way inclined, curiousity got the better of me.

However, when we arrived outside , we were comletely put off by the wording on a large notice, firmly fixed to the front wall of a club house......which was, I might add, bizarrely painted in pink. The notice read :

" WOULD ALL GUESTS AND MEMBERS PLEASE USE THE REAR ENTRANCE "

Well, I ask you.............could a greeting be more brazen than that. Even Bigot had severe reservations about our entry. So not surprisingly we thought better of it, opting instead to turn around, get into the car, and to speed back to our regular club and favourite watering hole........a place where members are far less pushy. Indeed, we both heaved a huge sigh of relief as we came rushing in through the doors, with only seconds to spare to claim our seats.

A MESSAGE FROM BIGOT-JOHNSON......................

Dear Readers,

I would like to thank all my regular followers ( listed and unlisted ) for sticking with this blog, and perhaps recommending it to others. For me this bizarre world of bridge blog is both a journey and a quest. Just how far can any one man push out the boundaries of bridge related literature.......who knows ?

But part of my journey involves delving into the darker corners of my mind, where the monstrous id lurks alongside many of my unbalanced alter egos. By allowing these other selves to have their say this journey sometimes gets me into trouble, but hey that's a risk which is always there whenever I freely speak my mind.

Yet on a positive note the journey has enabled me to find and engage with wonderful people who understand my quest. This in itself makes the whole experience extremely rewarding. However, as soon as I open up new doors to a new audience, others doors close behind me. Even my own club has disowned this blog, by striking it off their website links. But that 's a story I wont go into.

I have always set out to make Bigot-Johnson a villain. A man who sadly epitomises the very worse characteristics we so often see in players, nasty sorts who systematically set about destroying the pleasure that others seek from playing this beautiful game. Bigot's journey is also every reader's journey into self-awareness and self-realisation. But to achieve this, self-denial has to be overcome. As one famous Jesuit priest one said, Why am I afraid to tell you who I really am ? ". The answer of course is that " if I did you wouldn't like me ".

So my quest is out to make every one loathe and despise Bigot-Johnson, but if readers recognise in themselves just one of his character traits, then they might well end up disliking who they really are. This of course will hopefully set them on a journey of change, evolving into players with a far greater level of understanding, empathy, tolerance, politeness and charm.

BRIDGE BOOKS DEFINITELY NOT FOR THE FAINTHEARTED........... ( Says Pun )

• I Love Psyching Against That Woman.......................Connor A. Gayne
• I Just Gorge Myself On Rabbbits...............................Dee Vower
• Always Go For An Early Attack................................Dawn Rayder
• Partner's Like A Dead Weight Around My Neck.........Albert Ross
• My Defence Is Rock Solid.........................................Iona Castle
• Is There Something Missing From Your Game.?.......Gay Pinhole
• Partner, Where's All This Shit Coming From ?...........Sonia Shew
• That Buffett Cup Victory Was Breathtaking...............Ella Vermatch
• Partner, I've Not Finished With You Yet..................Mona Littlemore
• This Always Happens When I Start Off Well.........Fay D. Waye-Badleigh

BRIDGE CLUB SUB-COMMITTEE DISCIPLINARY HEARING No. 133

( Bigot had somehow convinced the Walnut Tree Allotment BC he was a painter of international renown. Boasting that his paintings were fetching over £10,000 each, he persuaded the club to pay £5,000 for an impressionist interpretation of the latest committee portrait photo. However, on its grand unveiling at the AGM the committee were none too pleased. In fact they were livid, and Bigot was summoned to attend an urgently convened disciplinary hearing. )

Chairman : Bigot-Johnson ....you were commissioned to do an impressionist painting of the committee, using the detail from this photograph we gave you......but heavens above just look at the rubbish you produced !!

B-J: What are you talking about..... pray tell me what exactly is wrong with this painting ?

Chairman : Well first off....we can't help but notice that the picture depicts a kangaroo wearing a black gown and a wig......What the blue blazes is that all about ?

B-J : I felt the painting need a touch of humour in it......

Chairman : But not only that....... you've got dotted all around the committee members....... dozens of sheep and banana eating monkeys. What on earth was going on here ?

B-J : Allow me to explain.... the bananas were painted in because the picture needed a splash or two of yellow. As for the sheep and monkeys I was working on the concept of animal farm meeting up with animal house...

Chairman : This is an outrage....and why have you got one committee member wearing a hood and carrying a scythe ?

B-J : That's the farming connection....

Chairman : But what is truly unacceptable is that dozens of other characters have been added to the painting. I see one committee member flanked by Buck Rogers, Ginger Rogers, and Roy Rogers...... who is doing God knows what to Trigger. I see another committee member surrounded by Christopher Wren, Florence Nightingale, and Christopher Robin..... who has got his hands in the same honey pot as pooh bear. In fact, the whole bloody painting is crammed full of well known and well-loved celebrities. God dammit man, you were commissioned to paint 12 people only.

B-J : I thought the picture needed to come alive, giving it kind of party and carnival feel...........

Chairman : And what about all those characters you've included from the Alice in Wonderland story ?

B-J : I wanted the whole thing to look like a Mad Hatter's tea party..................

Chairman : This is preposterous ! .....but we curious to find out why there is an image of the man hanging from the gallows in the background ?

B-J : Well, that was simply added to provide a touch of drama and mystery...............

Chairman : This painting is complete nonsense..... for as I recall, you Bigot were hired as an impressionist painter...

B-J : Yes...unfortunately I gave you the wrong impression as what school of art I belonged to.....I am in reality a surrealist painter.....a fan and devotee of Dali

Chairman : So it seems. But we have heard enough. This apology for art is of no bloody use to us. Moreover, this picture represents a fundamental breach of contract. It is the product of a twisted and devious mind, representing in our eyes an outrageous, offensive and defamatory statement.......which we feel requires us to take disciplinary action against you.

B-J : But what about my five grand ?...............

Chairman : You'll not see a single penny of that....and although we initially thought of dishing out a 6 month ban, we have decided to fine you £2,000 instead. This you might choose to describe this as a " brush off ".

B-J : You swine....

Chairman : Anything else you would like to say ?

B-J : Bugger....bugger....bugger