SHBC DISCIPLINARY HEARING No. 5717....

( This time Bigot-Johnson had a pantopod by his goolies with complaints coming in about his alleged but as yet unproven cheating ways. )

B-J : We've got you banged to rights this time Panto.....with at least a dozen complaints all wittering on about your devious methods of passing on unauthorised information to your partner-in-crime , namely your wife
P : That's a load of bullshit.....the woman's so dim she can't understand or interpret even basic Acol bids....let alone coded messages !
B-J : Not so....she's extremely devious and cunning...... just like yourself
P : So what's your proof then that I am a cheat ?  Where's your evidence ?
B-J : Only your recent results...... which now average 73% .....dramatically up from the 44% you were averaging in previous years
P : Well....we happen to be on a roll......can't do anything wrong
B-J : So explain to me how on one infamous board the whole field bid to 7NT on a combined 37 count.....down two......when strangely you and your wife stopped short in 3NT ?
P : A fortuitous bidding misunderstanding 
B-J : Or perhaps a well-tuned ear to loose table talk from a nearby table !
P : Yes, these digital hearing aids of mine are awesome
B-J : But you're not hearing impaired
P : Yes....but they look good 
B-J : Listen Panto we know you're cheating , and although we've gone to great lengths to video your behaviour at the table we failed to detect a pattern of behaviour , which would flag up what unauthorised signalling method you are using
P :  Ah..... that's because you are making an incorrect assumption....
B-J : Alright then.....I'll do a deal.....tell me about your cheating system with a promise never to cheat again....and I'll let you off with just an apology in writing
P : OK....the system is foolproof if you are just focusing on discovering one particular method. The secret behind my success is that I use 26 methods which match the number of boards played in a duplicate session...... as well as the number of letters in the alphabet. 
B-J : I'm intrigued..... 
P : Well, let's suppose I'm playing board 13 .....then the key letter is M being the thirteenth one in the alphabet. This tells partner we are using mouth shaping signals. If for instance we are playing board 6....the letter F.....then finger signals will be used. Board 17.... the letter Q....requires us to use questions to convey particular information about our heads. Board 26 ....offers no problems either with Z.....because now the number of times we yawn or close our eyes gives oodles of vital information to partner
B-J : Panto.....that is sheer genius.....nobody would have been able to detect all that....Christ almighty....you should write a book on the subject
P : I already have ....in fact I've a copy with me inside my jacket pocket
B-J  : May I have it ?
P : You certainly can....but it will set you back £30
B-J : No problem....here's the money
P : That's very decent of you....
B-J : And as much as this puts an end to the hearing......I'm afraid your admission of guilt has shocked us to the core...and therefore I have no option but to impose a life ban
P : But we had a deal !
B-J : I lied.....so kindly bugger off....and never set foot on these premises again