THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED................

• Honour : a virtue which all cheats at bridge fail to possess
• Zero tolerance : a glorious opportunity for officious, small minded committee members to strut about the club house like pompous little hitlers
• Ace : a term given to a player who can handle a flying bridgemate with exquisite technique and skill
• Expert : a meaningless almost redundant term given the vast number of club players who profess to be of that calibre
• Masterpoints : a clever, devious scheme designed to suck large sums of money out of players who feel compelled to embark upon a life-long quest to climb up the rankings ladder
• Cheat : a form of low life , a scourge of the game
• Fit : what every highly strung player tends to throw when things don't go according to expectation or plan
• Shape : what most male members are out of given the fact that they spend too much time sitting down to play bridge , when outdoor pursuits would clearly provide a much healthier option 
• AGM : synonym for a farce 
• Minutes : an aptly named document so brief in its content it takes no time at all to write up
• Director : a person renown as much for their knowledge of the rules as their bias towards players of influence and prestige
• Count : what takes place during an altercation when one player knocks another player to the floor
• Splinter : a small piece of wood often found in a head wound after a player has been set upon by his/her irate partner wielding a heavy duty baseball bat 

CHEAP AND NASTY BRIDGE BOOKS........( Research by Pun )

• To Say He Wants Revenge Is An Understatement ....................L. Bent
• My Partner Will Not Take Her Expulsion Lying Down.................Sheila Peel 
• Where To Go ? :  This Committee Is After Our Blood.................Ron N. Hyde
• The Info I've Got On The Committee's Shenanigans...................Dinah Mite 
• So Sorry About Over Doing The Victory Celebrations...............Carrie D. Whey
• What Stops You Coming Out To Play Weekend Bridge.............Erin Syde 
• Come On Everyone , Let's Get this Match Underway..................Egor Beaver
• High Stakes Rubber Bridge Is Costing Me A Fortune.................Wilma Moneylast
• What Does Your Hunchback Partner Do For A Living ?..............Belle Ringer
• Please Tell Me : Was That A Big Trump Or Not ?.........................Augusta Wynd
• I'll Tell You What Punishment Befits Undesirable Members !.......Bess Burnham
• Some Players Can Talk Bridge For Hours And Hours.................Willie Everstop

BIGOT-JOHNSON'S STRICT UNCOMPROMISING EXERCISE PROGRAMME FOR FAT , OVERWEIGHT , LAZY BRIDGE PLAYERS

Too many club members lack the fitness levels to play long sessions of bridge. Consequently it has become necessary for me  to whip them " into shape " through rigorous workouts. Indeed, members at the Slaughter House BC are now expected to undertake the following exercises :

Run for cover 
Jump through hoops
Push the boat out
Run the gauntlet
Join the rat race
Take a few running jumps
Pull out all the stops
Push up daises
Pull a few punches
Jump the gun
Be on the pull
Give other members a run for their money

BIGOT-JOHNSON'S KEEP FIT GUIDE FOR ALL BRIDGE CLUB CHAIRMEN.......

When you're in a position of power you need to be in good shape,  both mentally and physically.
A healthy body helps to keep a healthy mind , and therefore to achieve this you need to engage in my specially designed programme of keep fit exercises ( as listed below ) :

MAKE SURE AS CHAIRMAN YOU CONTINUE TO

Run the show
Jump down members' throats
Pull rank 
Push your weight around
Pull the plug on undesirable members
Run rings around your enemies
Pull a few strings
Make all the running
Jump ship when things go belly-up
Throw out any dead weight
Pull a few fast ones 
Swim with the tide when necessary
Jump the queue 
Run opponents ragged
Pull out all the stops
Cut and run

Finally , in the event of ever getting arrested  jump bail and stay on the run

MEANWHILE BACK IN THE BRIDGE CLUB BAR ROOM.....

BRIDGE BOOKS TO WONDER AND MARVEL OVER.......

• Be Grateful Partner ,  Getting An Average Is Still OK......................Arthur Lofe
• Now That's What I Call An Excellent Fit !..........................................Dick Welling
• What Did The Expelled Member Send To Our Chairman ?............Imelda Bomm
• If They Expel My Partner , He's Likely To Torch The Place..............Gus E. Wood  
• Partner , Don't Walk Off With All The Travellers................................Anne Demmin
• Why Don't We Have Some Fun And Goulash The Deals................Les B. Norty
• Members In This Club Don't Know How To Queue Properly...........Jocelyn Ann Pushin
• What Do You Think About The Club's Zero Tolerance Policy ?.......Loda Bollox
• Long Sessions Of Bridge Make Me Feel Tired and Lethargic........Jay Didman
• Partner, Will You Please Stop Butting In When I'm Talking.............. Billy Goat
• If Any Opponent Behaves Suspiciously Make A Note Of It...............Mark Hiskard
• What Happened At The AGM When Chairman Started Crying.......Cy Lance Reind   

AS AN AGEING BRIDGE PLAYER YOU KNOW YOU'RE OVER THE HILL........

- when you can't recall ever climbing up the hill 
- when you sit in a rocking chair but can't get it going
- when asked about your trump holding you say it's down to excellent bowel control
- when your knees buckle but your belt can't
- when you realize today that you were down to play with your partner in last night's duplicate
- when you're unable to vacate your seat because the gravitational pull is far greater than the
   strength of your leg muscles
- when you wake up feeling like you've had a night on the town only to realize you haven't
  been anywhere at all
- when you hear the snap, crackle and pop and that's even before you've sat down to eat 
   your breakfast cereal
- when you find it mentally taxing even to follow suit 
- when despite your capacity to retain water you are constantly leaking all over the place
- when bending over to pick up a dropped card you wonder what else you could possible do  
  while you are down there
- when you start asking the opponents about the meaning of your partner's bids
- when partner comments on your " monstrous cock up " you immediately look down at your 
   flies 

DR.JOHN'S CASE NOTES : SLAPPED CHEEK SYNDROME

Many people wrongly assume that this condition is a disease-based skin colouration of the face . This is not the case at all.
The original term " slapped face " was given to a syndrome possessed by bridge players , who suffered a barrage of flat hand slaps across the face as a consequence of their inept play and clueless bidding. Victims of this kind of assault quickly developed a bright red rash on their swollen cheeks. Even if the slaps were feather-weight ,  then the damage caused was often exacerbated by their acute embarrassment and shame of being exposed as useless puddings.
The motive behind their irate partners' aggressive behaviour was either to help them stay awake ,  or to vent their displeasure at having to suffer of ignominy of gifting undeserving opponents fortuitous tops. 
The consequence of repeated slapping often left the victims with permanent red rashes on their cheeks , which were never given time to heal. As for prevention the only option available was to stay alert and duck in time. Sadly , with the majority of the players having dull reflexes to match their slow and sluggish thinking , bridge clubs today still remain the haven of red faced numpties : the true and only victims of the slapped cheek syndrome.

HOW TO SPOT THE ULTIMATE BRIDGE PLAYING BIGOT...... ( Article by Bigot-Johnson )

In a world of bigotry I am in a league of my own. So when you next enter a room full of bigoted bridge players , the one who should get all the plaudits is the annoying bastard who possesses all the following giveaway personality traits and characteristics. These are listed as follows :

1.  Male ( of course )  
2.  Grossly exaggerates and overstates his ability at the game
3.  Condemns all other players , regardless of their status , as " muppets "
4.  Argues vehemently that all poor scores are down to bad luck and the fickle finger of fate
5.  Conversely , all good results no matter how fluky stem from his abundant talent and skill
6   Tendency to bully and browbeat ineffective directors on how rules ought to be interpreted
7.  An unshakable  belief that he knows all the answers to all the bridge questions ever posed
8.  In complete denial of all his shortcomings and failings
9.  Sees himself instead as a paragon of virtue and ethical correctness, when in fact the
     opposite is true
10. Forever holding court to disaffected listeners and unsuspecting newbies
11. Holds the most outrageous and contentious opinions on matters he knows nothing about
12. Ignorant to the point of abject embarrassment
13. Arrogant , irritating loudmouth
14. Bombastic , full of attitude , pomposity, vanity and self-importance
15. Hates to be quizzed, questioned or criticised
16. A bully but also a coward
17. Wallows in his own glory but refuses to acknowledge or applaud the achievement of others
18. Riddled with hypocrisy , prejudice and bias 
19. Obstinately devoted to his own opinions no matter how absurd or unreasonable they are
20. Blighted by irrational thinking , and deaf to those who offer good advice , sound judgement ,
       and wisdom 

If any club member ticks all those boxes then you have the ultimate bigot in your midst , who in my learned opinion clearly deserves like me some kind of special tribute award or medal. 

            ADVERTISEMENT :   ( by Bigot-Johnson
       Chairman of the Slaughter House Bridge
       Club )

       Why not give bridge a try. This is a game
       for young people with problem-solving
       minds to engage with others in a social
       and friendly environment.

       See the tension and excitement on the
       faces of those recently taken at a Friday
       night duplicate.  

   

        So please join up and help our average age
        fall below 75 .....but remember ladies it is
        compulsory to wear a hat and a coat at all
        times irrespective of whether the radiators 
        are on or not. 
        

THE NORTHERN PRO GETS CONFRONTED AGAIN .......

-Northern Pro ……what is this National

 Grading System all about ?

-It’s a way of measuring your current

 performance taking into account the

 strength of your partners, and the

 quality of the field you were playing

 against

-Amazing……so how come I’m ranked

 as a QUEEN while you’re classed only

 as a NINE

-Listening muppet-head……I’m sacrificing

 my status by partnering inept and useless

 bunnies….who fail to grasp ….like you…..

 the finer points of my incredibly brilliant

 bidding system                                                               

-Oh…..the very same players… who when

 playing simple ACOL with me get some 

 cracking good scores…..now what does

 that tell us ?                                                                           

-Partner….have you any idea what it’s

 like to have your tongue ripped out…

 and your head beaten to a pulp with a

 hammer ?

-No…..

-Well…..I suggest you shut up and respect

 the fact that the game is not about results

 but more about the way my exquisitely crafted 

 and beautifully abstract bidding sequences

 involve countless alerts with overly complex                                                     

 explanations