THE CARDINALS BC DISCIPLINARY HEARING No. 286
( After an unbelievable year of success , Bigot-Johnson and his partner , Maynard Bigot-Johnson , scooped all the club trophies to the shock and dismay of all those who narrowly lose out. Following several allegations of cheating , the two Bigots were ordered to attend a disciplinary hearing. )
Chairman : Complaints have come in.....far too many to mention......about you two cheating in club competitions:
HBJ : That sir...
MBJ : ...is an outrageous lie
Chairman : Well, let's face it........you're a scratch partnership formed last year ......being long-lost cousins re-united. Maynard clearly has much to learn about the game , and you Howard are certainly not rated as an expert. At best you two can only be described as rank outsiders when it comes to plundering silverware.
HBJ and MBJ ( in unision ) : Listen you toe-rage ......... we are blessed with an amazing understanding ......
Chairman : Aided by cheating
HBJ : How dare you....
MBJ : ....we don't employ any kind of signal codes whatsoever....
HBJ : ...no devious card placement......hand movements
MBJ : .....no revealing facial expressions.....body gestures....
HBJ : .....no changes in tempo ...
HBJ and MBJ ( in unison ) : No....we just intuitively know what each other's bids mean and what cards to play in any given situation
Chairman : Hmmm...I'm not convinced
HBJ : We have a telepathic understanding.....
MBJ : .....yes , something we never believed was possible....
HBJ : ....yet.... as soon as we started playing we realised we were on....
MBJ :....the same wavelength....for we were able....
HBJ : ...to read one another's thoughts and secret wishes....indeed , whenever one of us looked at our cards...
MBJ : .....the other could see the image of that hand in their mind
Chairman : Well...that is cheating in my book
HBJ and MBJ ( in unison ) : Why ?
Chairman : Because it gives you an unfair advantage
HBJ : Hold on a mo.....in any competition the winners are often those players blessed with special skills .....call them gifts if you like.....natural talents....which they are able to....
MBJ : ...profit by......For instance , many gifted players have devised convolted and complex bidding systems which only they can fully understand , putting seasoned players even more in the dark whenever their questions are answered......and has this talent been condemned as an unfair advantage ? Not at all....
HBJ : Moreover.... what about those other boffins who take up bridge , using their mathematical wizardry to compute all the odds and probabilities, required in play analysis.....
MBJ : ...to determine in nano seconds what is statistically the best line of play....or what is the most best way to handle one's combined suit holding, in order to obtain the maximum number of tricks in that suit. Is this innate ability seen as an unfair advantage ?.....I think not
HBJ : And then we come onto players who have an uncanny knack of reading the cards.....almost as though...
MBJ : ..........they can see through the back of them.....
HBJ : ....So does this intuitive gift mean they profit from an unfair advantage ? No way...
MBJ : And finally , we must look at those players who have that remarkable ability , many of us refer to as " table presence " . These buggers can sniff out any missing queens , stiff off-side kings , the location of opponents' key cards and the precise length of their trump suit holdings. Does anyone...
HBJ : ......accuse them of having an unfair advantage when blessed with this gift. No !
They just have a natural talent to pick up all the nuances and behavioural clues to glean knowledge mere mortals have to make do without.
Chairman : None of this compares with telepathy .....
HBJ : My God....are 8 foot basket ball players accused of being cheats by their natural height advantage ?
MBJ : Are overly fat ice hockey goalies who completely block out the net with their massive bulk and size labelled cheats. I think not....it's all a load of......
HBJ : ......sour grapes
Chairman : I'm not listening to these spurious arguments......my decision has been made.......you're being stripped of your trophies...... and you're barred from partnering one other
HBJ and MBJ ( in unison ) : Well shag me with a rag man's trumpet
Wednesday, 22 January 2014
Monday, 20 January 2014
A LITTLE LATER ON..................Judge : Now let's move onto the hearing itself....
B-J : Yes....let's
Judge : Was Pantopod afforded all his legal rights ?
B-J : Rights ?....What rights ?
Judge : Rights laid down under the club's constitution and the law of the land
B-J : Rights?....What rights ?
Judge : The right to be given proper notice regarding all the charges made against him....the right to know the full implications of the hearing and whether or not his membership was at risk....the right to be represented.......to challenge the evidence against him.....to cross-examine his accusers.....the right to offer an explanation for his actions.....to plead mitigating circumstances.....the right to put up a robust and vigorous defence
B-J : But a semblance of a defence was put up by someone
Judge : By whom ?
B-J : A rogue committee member who...... having succumbed to an unfortunate twinge of guilt....felt it necessary to act as the devil's advocate.......and provide a woefully ill-prepared and inadequate defence on Pantopod's behalf.......one which the rest of us ignored completely and dismissed out of hand
Judge : Oh.....but why wasn't Pantopod there to defend himself ?
B-J : He wasn't invited.....we used our discretion , which we were entitled to do..... under the constitutional rules......to conduct the hearing without him
Judge : Please explain why ?
B-J : Well ..er....well...er...well , the inner circle took the view there was no point in him being there. All the committee members bar one , namely the half-wit , instinctively knew beforehand what had to be done....and what action was desperately called for....... indeed , for Pantopod the writing was on the wall
Judge : And what desperately needed action had you all in mind ?
B-J : To give Panto his just desserts.....to inflict upon him the maximum penalty.......to terminate his membership there and then....and to banish him forever
Judge : But wasn't that punishment extreme ?......
B-J : Extremely lenient......I agree....the bugger really ought to have been shot at dawn
Judge : I'm utterly speechless....
B-J : And so was I when he refused to take his punishment lying down
Saturday, 18 January 2014
BIGOT-JOHNSON DEFENDS HIS IMPARTIALITY.......
" Your honour....the fact that I have always loathed Pantopod .....deluged him with well over 400 poison pen letters, made three attempts on his life , and torched several of his cars........doesn't mean to say that..... as a key member of the disciplinary committee ........which had the balls to terminate his membership......I was biased in any way at all............that foul-mouthed, obnoxious scumbag got what he deserved ! "
" Your honour....the fact that I have always loathed Pantopod .....deluged him with well over 400 poison pen letters, made three attempts on his life , and torched several of his cars........doesn't mean to say that..... as a key member of the disciplinary committee ........which had the balls to terminate his membership......I was biased in any way at all............that foul-mouthed, obnoxious scumbag got what he deserved ! "
Friday, 17 January 2014
Thursday, 16 January 2014
SINGAPORE COURT FOLLOWS SUIT ( SO TO SPEAK )....
A follow up law review by Carp
As in America, an appeal court in Singapore took a dim view of a club's decision to expel one of its members.
So what were the reasons behind the court's decision to intervene ? Answer : the disciplinary process failed to adhere to the rules of natural justice , along with a failure to abide by its own rules as laid down in the club's constitution and regulations.
The list below reveals the main concerns and observations by the court :
1. Given that the member had been charged with a disciplinary offence, which involved criminal intent , then the committee should have applied the same burden of proof as required in a criminal court , namely " beyond all reasonable doubt ".
2. The charge laid against the member ( fraud ) lacked both merit and reliable evidence , and was therefore described as " inherently defective ".
3. A verdict of guilt was delivered without giving the member a hearing or other opportunity to respond before the punishment had been handed out.
4. The committee's decision to expel took into account an irrelevant consideration
5. There had been proven interference with due process by one of the club's officers.
6. A failure during the process to forward relevant documents to the member for her response ( if any )
7. Misinformation was given by the chairman to the member during the early stages of the disciplinary process.
8. The committee had acted in an ultra vires manner , contrary to its own internal rules , when it set about looking for evidence in connection with the investigation , which was the remit and responsibility of another designated group. This was noted as an undesirable practice in that decision makers should not also be investigators , as this could lead to prejudgement or the likelihood of apparent bias.
9. The committee failed to bring to the attention of the member the evidence it had obtained on its own initiative , so that the member could respond to it , if necessary.
10. The punishment failed to fit the crime. Given that courts of law have to abide by principles of proportionality and reasonableness in imposing punishment on an offender , then so should committees acting in a quasi-judicial way.
11. The chairman did not pay sufficient attention to the appellant's explanation, and in doing so
"missed the wood for the trees ".
12. The behaviour of the committee strongly suggested a real likelihood of a residual element of prejudgement regarding the case against the member. Prejudgement is a form of apparent bias and apparent bias is a breach of natural justice.
Not surprising then that the club lost the case with the suspension order being declared invalid.
All costs were made against the club, along with damages to be assessed by the registrar. A lesson for all club committees to take on board.
A follow up law review by Carp
As in America, an appeal court in Singapore took a dim view of a club's decision to expel one of its members.
So what were the reasons behind the court's decision to intervene ? Answer : the disciplinary process failed to adhere to the rules of natural justice , along with a failure to abide by its own rules as laid down in the club's constitution and regulations.
The list below reveals the main concerns and observations by the court :
1. Given that the member had been charged with a disciplinary offence, which involved criminal intent , then the committee should have applied the same burden of proof as required in a criminal court , namely " beyond all reasonable doubt ".
2. The charge laid against the member ( fraud ) lacked both merit and reliable evidence , and was therefore described as " inherently defective ".
3. A verdict of guilt was delivered without giving the member a hearing or other opportunity to respond before the punishment had been handed out.
4. The committee's decision to expel took into account an irrelevant consideration
5. There had been proven interference with due process by one of the club's officers.
6. A failure during the process to forward relevant documents to the member for her response ( if any )
7. Misinformation was given by the chairman to the member during the early stages of the disciplinary process.
8. The committee had acted in an ultra vires manner , contrary to its own internal rules , when it set about looking for evidence in connection with the investigation , which was the remit and responsibility of another designated group. This was noted as an undesirable practice in that decision makers should not also be investigators , as this could lead to prejudgement or the likelihood of apparent bias.
9. The committee failed to bring to the attention of the member the evidence it had obtained on its own initiative , so that the member could respond to it , if necessary.
10. The punishment failed to fit the crime. Given that courts of law have to abide by principles of proportionality and reasonableness in imposing punishment on an offender , then so should committees acting in a quasi-judicial way.
11. The chairman did not pay sufficient attention to the appellant's explanation, and in doing so
"missed the wood for the trees ".
12. The behaviour of the committee strongly suggested a real likelihood of a residual element of prejudgement regarding the case against the member. Prejudgement is a form of apparent bias and apparent bias is a breach of natural justice.
Not surprising then that the club lost the case with the suspension order being declared invalid.
All costs were made against the club, along with damages to be assessed by the registrar. A lesson for all club committees to take on board.
Tuesday, 14 January 2014
COURT CRITICISES CLUB OVER WRONGFUL SUSPENSION OF MEMBER............. ( Carp not surprised at all )
In America at least even private non-profit making clubs are kept in check over the way they go about disciplining members. Even the vulgar and filthy are entitled to respect according to an appeal court judge. The obnoxious individual, who allegedly used the "F " word to describe women members , still deserved a fair hearing before being expelled.
So where did the club go wrong in its attempt to sling out a member who had a history of bad behaviour ? The judge explained the expulsion was wrongful on several grounds, all of which equated to a failure to act in accordance with rules of natural justice and due process.
1. The member was denied a right to confront his accusers before losing his membership.
2. In a closed meeting the board ( committee ) discussed numerous incidents which were not disclosed in the notice to the member about the hearing.
3. Board members had discussed in private not only the swearing incident , but also various other matters, including allegations of impropriety some of which were totally unrelated to incidents involving club members.
4. At the private meeting the board voted to expel the member , who was unaware that the current complaint , along with all the other prior complaints , would now be the basis behind its decision to expel.
5. The disciplinary process was flawed in that it failed to meet the requirements of being carried out in fair and reasonable manner.
6. Being denied the opportunity to confront his accusers and challenge undisclosed allegations of misconduct , the member's right to fair procedure had been violated.
7. The member was clearly denied an opportunity to properly defend himself against the most serious accusations.
8. The court was also offended by the manner in which the board members had talked about the member behind his back.
9. The board's consideration in closed session of unnoticed and undisclosed matters to which the member had no opportunity to respond , clearly deprived him of a procedurally fair hearing.
10. The argument by the club's lawyers that the member would have been expelled even without consideration of the extraneous matters was rejected , simply because the decision was made on the overall review of the improperly considered matters.
11. The board had in effect failed to follow the procedural rules laid down by the law , and as a result the board could not claim it was making a discretionary decision as a way of overcoming their mistakes.
12. The court also felt that the board failed to prove due process by not taking into account the severity of the punishment likely to be imposed. Expulsions warranted a higher level of adherence to fair and proper procedures , which on the facts presented to the court had not been established.
( Footnote : Although the court ruled that the club must reinstate the member , the board was given the option of proceeding with a full hearing, after proper notice , on all the charges against him. However , one is left to wonder how fair that might be , given the prevailing level of prejudice , resentment and loathing that must be endemic within the membership as a whole , against an obnoxious man who took their club to court ? )
In America at least even private non-profit making clubs are kept in check over the way they go about disciplining members. Even the vulgar and filthy are entitled to respect according to an appeal court judge. The obnoxious individual, who allegedly used the "F " word to describe women members , still deserved a fair hearing before being expelled.
So where did the club go wrong in its attempt to sling out a member who had a history of bad behaviour ? The judge explained the expulsion was wrongful on several grounds, all of which equated to a failure to act in accordance with rules of natural justice and due process.
1. The member was denied a right to confront his accusers before losing his membership.
2. In a closed meeting the board ( committee ) discussed numerous incidents which were not disclosed in the notice to the member about the hearing.
3. Board members had discussed in private not only the swearing incident , but also various other matters, including allegations of impropriety some of which were totally unrelated to incidents involving club members.
4. At the private meeting the board voted to expel the member , who was unaware that the current complaint , along with all the other prior complaints , would now be the basis behind its decision to expel.
5. The disciplinary process was flawed in that it failed to meet the requirements of being carried out in fair and reasonable manner.
6. Being denied the opportunity to confront his accusers and challenge undisclosed allegations of misconduct , the member's right to fair procedure had been violated.
7. The member was clearly denied an opportunity to properly defend himself against the most serious accusations.
8. The court was also offended by the manner in which the board members had talked about the member behind his back.
9. The board's consideration in closed session of unnoticed and undisclosed matters to which the member had no opportunity to respond , clearly deprived him of a procedurally fair hearing.
10. The argument by the club's lawyers that the member would have been expelled even without consideration of the extraneous matters was rejected , simply because the decision was made on the overall review of the improperly considered matters.
11. The board had in effect failed to follow the procedural rules laid down by the law , and as a result the board could not claim it was making a discretionary decision as a way of overcoming their mistakes.
12. The court also felt that the board failed to prove due process by not taking into account the severity of the punishment likely to be imposed. Expulsions warranted a higher level of adherence to fair and proper procedures , which on the facts presented to the court had not been established.
( Footnote : Although the court ruled that the club must reinstate the member , the board was given the option of proceeding with a full hearing, after proper notice , on all the charges against him. However , one is left to wonder how fair that might be , given the prevailing level of prejudice , resentment and loathing that must be endemic within the membership as a whole , against an obnoxious man who took their club to court ? )
Monday, 13 January 2014
Saturday, 11 January 2014
BRIDGE BOOKS THAT LEFT READERS TOTALLY LOST FOR WORDS......( including a speechless Pun )
- Playing Bridge Gets Me So Excited..........................................Ivan Erikson
- If Partner Goes All The Way Best To Take Precautions..............Casey Coombs
- He's Always Telling People Where They Went Wrong.................Sasha Knowle
- I've Got A Handy Gadget For Zapping Opponents........................Ray Gunn
- Partner , Have I Got A Big Surprise For You...............................Steffan Hall-Wright
- Come On Partner , Let Me Know What You're Thinking...............Cher A. Thort
- When Partners Don't Deliver He Goes It Alone.............................Ann Jobb
- Is There Any Way I Can Get Onto This Committee ?....................Paula Fewstrings
- What On Earth Are Doing Under The Table ?...............................Jack N. Hoffman
- Well That's The Prize Giving Over With.....................................Watson Nex
Friday, 10 January 2014
BRIDGE BOOKS NO BETTER THAN GARBAGE .... ( As rubbished by Pun )
- Oh No Partner , The Roof's Caved In !..........................................Nida Tyler
- The Club Chairman Is On The Warpath........................................Bess Leggett
- Complaining About TDs Is A Waste Of Time...............................Xavier Breth
- Bigot-Johnson's Partner Has Done A Runner..............................Will Hunter-Downe
- What Punishment Did They Come Up With This Time ?...............B. Heddin
- She'll Beat The Truth Out Of The Chairman..................................Tilly Telser
- You've Not Seen The Last Of Me...............................................C .U. Hencourt
- What On Earth Does He Like About That Woman ?....................Herbie Hynd
- So In Your Will What Are You Going To Bequeath The Club ?.......Myra Manes
- The Best Way To Improve Your Defence.......................................Bill Dafort
- Oh No Partner , The Roof's Caved In !..........................................Nida Tyler
- The Club Chairman Is On The Warpath........................................Bess Leggett
- Complaining About TDs Is A Waste Of Time...............................Xavier Breth
- Bigot-Johnson's Partner Has Done A Runner..............................Will Hunter-Downe
- What Punishment Did They Come Up With This Time ?...............B. Heddin
- She'll Beat The Truth Out Of The Chairman..................................Tilly Telser
- You've Not Seen The Last Of Me...............................................C .U. Hencourt
- What On Earth Does He Like About That Woman ?....................Herbie Hynd
- So In Your Will What Are You Going To Bequeath The Club ?.......Myra Manes
- The Best Way To Improve Your Defence.......................................Bill Dafort
Wednesday, 8 January 2014
AS AN AGEING BRIDGE PLAYER YOU KNOW YOU'RE OVER THE HILL WHEN.....
- instead of tutting at players who are incredibly slow you start tutting at those who show
their impatience over your prolonged deliberations
- stayman starts to appear as an over complicated convention
- finding a player who is prepared to be your partner becomes a forlorn and hopeless quest
- the chances of finding a partner who can actually play bridge are less than zero
- living on the same street as your local bridge club becomes a priority in that the time gap
between toilet visits is sufficient to enable you trouble free journeys there and back
- getting a sitting seat nearest to the toilet also becomes a top priority
- your preferred bidding system reverts back to basic acol
- you often find the pattern on the backs of the playing cards more interesting than the shape ,
points and distribution of the hand
- with the central heating full on you find yourself saying " Is it cold in here , or is it just me ? "
- given a choice of clubs you could play at , the one with superior parking facilities becomes
the automatic one
- on being dealt 432..432...5432....432 ...hand , you struggle to work out the losing trick
count
- instead of analysing your scorecard in order to learn from your mistakes , you quickly rip
it up before leaving the club
- you start interpreting the " x " card as " this marks the spot where all the other bidding
cards go "
- instead of tutting at players who are incredibly slow you start tutting at those who show
their impatience over your prolonged deliberations
- stayman starts to appear as an over complicated convention
- finding a player who is prepared to be your partner becomes a forlorn and hopeless quest
- the chances of finding a partner who can actually play bridge are less than zero
- living on the same street as your local bridge club becomes a priority in that the time gap
between toilet visits is sufficient to enable you trouble free journeys there and back
- getting a sitting seat nearest to the toilet also becomes a top priority
- your preferred bidding system reverts back to basic acol
- you often find the pattern on the backs of the playing cards more interesting than the shape ,
points and distribution of the hand
- with the central heating full on you find yourself saying " Is it cold in here , or is it just me ? "
- given a choice of clubs you could play at , the one with superior parking facilities becomes
the automatic one
- on being dealt 432..432...5432....432 ...hand , you struggle to work out the losing trick
count
- instead of analysing your scorecard in order to learn from your mistakes , you quickly rip
it up before leaving the club
- you start interpreting the " x " card as " this marks the spot where all the other bidding
cards go "
Monday, 6 January 2014
Saturday, 4 January 2014
BIGOT-JOHNSON'S GUIDE ON HOW TO BE THE IDEAL COMMITTEE MEMBER
The perfect candidate should possess all the following attributes and character traits :
The perfect candidate should possess all the following attributes and character traits :
- An ego capable of inflating itself to the status and size of the job
- An ability to distance yourself completely from the riff raff that foolishly voted you in
- A zealously guarded belief that life on the committee is an " us and them " situation
- Never a person to rock the boat, preferring instead to develop the art of arse-licking to new unprecedented highs
- An unshakable resolve to adhere to the principle of collective responsibility , even when the proposals put forward by the chairman stick in your craw
- A refusal to let guilt feelings undermine your desire to enjoy the perks and privileges that come with the post
- An ability to interpret compliance , passive submission and sycophantic behaviour as positive support for the chairman and/or his chief lackeys
- Never one to divulge what goes on the committee room , despite the club's well publicised pledge that openness and transparency should never be compromised
- A willingness to turn a blind eye to cover ups , falsification of minutes and any other shenanigans orchestrated by the chairman or his second-in-command
- A desire to be a loyal albeit fringe member of the chairman's close-knit family
- An innate ability to ignore one's conscience or moral compass
- Never one to bear grudges even when the chairman decides to kick you out
Friday, 3 January 2014
LAW REPORT : BIGOT- JOHNSON v. EBU (2014 )
( With the national championships almost over , Bigot was fuming. Although he managed to avoid coming bottom in the open pairs and teams events , he was really upset about the absence of " men only " competitions , especially when his lady partner was enjoying herself in the ladies only pairs event. Bigot was left with no choice but to take the EBU to court alleging discrimination against men. As usual he opted to conduct his own case , and the following extract sees him interrogating a leading EBU official )
B-J : So both sexes are allowed to participate in the open events ?
EBU man : Yes.....that's why they are called " open "
B-J : Don't get smart with me......just answer the questions succinctly and without sarcasm ......
.............but tagged onto the open pairs and teams events you also have an all ladies pairs competition ?
EBU man : Yes.....and the ladies really seem to enjoy this event more than any of the others
B-J : And do some ladies play in both the open events as well as this ladies pairs competition EBU man : Yes....indeed they do
B-J : So they get an additional crack at a trophy ?
EBU man : Yes....I guess that is the case
B-J : So men only get their chances for glory in the open events ?
EBU man : Yes.....and let's face because it is usually the top men who walk away with the silverware and prizes , women need their own competition so they too can get some kudos
B-J : ....which means they are getting preferential treatment ahead of the likes of me .....and other unsuccessful male players . By not running a men-only pairs competition that seems to me blatant discrimination against us ........contrary to statute law.
EBU man : No.....no....you've got it all wrong. If there is any discrimination at all then it is against women .
B-J : How come ?
EBU man : Well, for a long time we have recognised that all male pairs and teams dominate the open events , and that good lady players never get a look in , especially when partnering their own sex. In order to ensure that good lady players are recognised , revered and honoured special competitions just for the fairer sex had to be set up. Indeed , it is men who for years have discriminated against women.........by refusing to play with them or to include them in their teams. Sexism runs rife in this particular sport I can tell you. .....
B-J : By God you're right....
EBU man : I'm glad you've come to that conclusion ...because by this admission of defeat all costs now are going to be awarded against you ....
B-J : Well, I'll be buggered....
EBU man : Probably , given your reputation for caught out by bowlers coming in from the pavilion end
( With the national championships almost over , Bigot was fuming. Although he managed to avoid coming bottom in the open pairs and teams events , he was really upset about the absence of " men only " competitions , especially when his lady partner was enjoying herself in the ladies only pairs event. Bigot was left with no choice but to take the EBU to court alleging discrimination against men. As usual he opted to conduct his own case , and the following extract sees him interrogating a leading EBU official )
B-J : So both sexes are allowed to participate in the open events ?
EBU man : Yes.....that's why they are called " open "
B-J : Don't get smart with me......just answer the questions succinctly and without sarcasm ......
.............but tagged onto the open pairs and teams events you also have an all ladies pairs competition ?
EBU man : Yes.....and the ladies really seem to enjoy this event more than any of the others
B-J : And do some ladies play in both the open events as well as this ladies pairs competition EBU man : Yes....indeed they do
B-J : So they get an additional crack at a trophy ?
EBU man : Yes....I guess that is the case
B-J : So men only get their chances for glory in the open events ?
EBU man : Yes.....and let's face because it is usually the top men who walk away with the silverware and prizes , women need their own competition so they too can get some kudos
B-J : ....which means they are getting preferential treatment ahead of the likes of me .....and other unsuccessful male players . By not running a men-only pairs competition that seems to me blatant discrimination against us ........contrary to statute law.
EBU man : No.....no....you've got it all wrong. If there is any discrimination at all then it is against women .
B-J : How come ?
EBU man : Well, for a long time we have recognised that all male pairs and teams dominate the open events , and that good lady players never get a look in , especially when partnering their own sex. In order to ensure that good lady players are recognised , revered and honoured special competitions just for the fairer sex had to be set up. Indeed , it is men who for years have discriminated against women.........by refusing to play with them or to include them in their teams. Sexism runs rife in this particular sport I can tell you. .....
B-J : By God you're right....
EBU man : I'm glad you've come to that conclusion ...because by this admission of defeat all costs now are going to be awarded against you ....
B-J : Well, I'll be buggered....
EBU man : Probably , given your reputation for caught out by bowlers coming in from the pavilion end
BIGOT'S DREAM ENCOUNTER WITH THE DEVIL....
Bigot for once in his life decided to fork out some cash for an expensive weekend of bridge at the Brighton Congress. After an indifferent first day he and his partner were lying in 23rd place , and as he went to bed he could hear the profound prediction about his chance of success still ringing in his head.
No sooner had he fallen asleep , Bigot then suddenly found himself in hell . The devil was clearly ready for him and instructed his minions to turn up the heat.
Bigot remained unmoved and unconcerned. Once again the devil gave instructions to turn up the heat even more , but to no avail. Bigot was hardly breaking sweat. He just stood there contented and at ease with his surroundings.
The devil was now beside himself with rage and anger. How could this be possible ? So he decided to turn up the fires of hell to their maximum temperature. Yet again , the impassive Bigot remained unfazed and unperturbed.
" That's it " , snapped the devil " I must be using the wrong strategy ". So all the fires were immediately turned off , and at his command blasts of extremely cold air turned the place into an icy landscape, with temperatures plunging well below -60%C . As he looked up he could see Bigot jumping up and down with unbridled joy, yelling " Yes...yes...now that hell has frozen over , I'm destined to win this tournament after all ".
And he did.
Bigot for once in his life decided to fork out some cash for an expensive weekend of bridge at the Brighton Congress. After an indifferent first day he and his partner were lying in 23rd place , and as he went to bed he could hear the profound prediction about his chance of success still ringing in his head.
No sooner had he fallen asleep , Bigot then suddenly found himself in hell . The devil was clearly ready for him and instructed his minions to turn up the heat.
Bigot remained unmoved and unconcerned. Once again the devil gave instructions to turn up the heat even more , but to no avail. Bigot was hardly breaking sweat. He just stood there contented and at ease with his surroundings.
The devil was now beside himself with rage and anger. How could this be possible ? So he decided to turn up the fires of hell to their maximum temperature. Yet again , the impassive Bigot remained unfazed and unperturbed.
" That's it " , snapped the devil " I must be using the wrong strategy ". So all the fires were immediately turned off , and at his command blasts of extremely cold air turned the place into an icy landscape, with temperatures plunging well below -60%C . As he looked up he could see Bigot jumping up and down with unbridled joy, yelling " Yes...yes...now that hell has frozen over , I'm destined to win this tournament after all ".
And he did.
BIGOT SPURNS AN OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME... ( A nearly true story by Bridgemeister Gibson )
A few days ago Satan appeared before Bigot and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you , the devil said , " I'll make sure you win every tournament you enter. Your partners will love and worship you. Your opponents will fear and respect you , and you will never lose a case in court. All I want in return is your wife's soul which will burn in hell for eternity ".
Bigot stared at him with utter disbelief : " What sort of a moron do you take me for ? Any offer like that.... which is too good to be true.... obviously ain't. So sod off back to the hell hole you just crawled out from and don't bother me again ".
A few days ago Satan appeared before Bigot and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you , the devil said , " I'll make sure you win every tournament you enter. Your partners will love and worship you. Your opponents will fear and respect you , and you will never lose a case in court. All I want in return is your wife's soul which will burn in hell for eternity ".
Bigot stared at him with utter disbelief : " What sort of a moron do you take me for ? Any offer like that.... which is too good to be true.... obviously ain't. So sod off back to the hell hole you just crawled out from and don't bother me again ".
Thursday, 2 January 2014
BIGOT-JOHNSON'S SUPERB STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE ON SELECTING PLAYERS FOR NATIONAL TEAMS.....
- Look up the country's richest people and compile an extensive list
- Draw up another list from recent regional events where sponsors did reasonably well with their expert partners and/or team mates
- Look to see if successful sponsors are also mentioned in the rich list
- Draw up a shortlist of desirable candidates who fit the bill on both counts
- Scan through this shortlist , eliminating pairs or teams which involve experts who are thoroughly disliked , or who have a track record of being awkward or difficult to manage
- At long last you have a final list that needs to be trimmed down a little bit more
- Leak information to well connected gossip mongers , with exceptionally loose tongues , that certain pairs/teams are in the running for selection.
- Contact the chosen sponsors to put them fully into the picture
- Await for transfers of money going into the selectors' personal off-shore bank accounts
- Determine which sponsors have been the most generous , and on the basis of one's sums announce the team to now represent your country
- Inform all the unlucky players that the decisions were ultimately made by taking into account which pairs were most likely to develop into world beaters
- Announce to the press how difficult and painful the whole selection process was for all concerned
Wednesday, 1 January 2014
MORE DEFINITIONS ON BRIDGE........( Research by Carp )
- Bridge is war , in disguise of a sport
- There is more to bridge than life
- Bridge : the art of civilised bunny bashing
- The game for old players who love to lie....still
- A game during which both agnostics and atheists will turn to prayer
- Bridge is a lot like sex, everyone thinks they are the best , but most don't have a bloody clue
as to how to go about it properly
- A game in which if luck was not involved then 99% of players would never win at all
- Bridge's is the world's best game , but with a global image problem
- If you're going to play bridge it's best to develop a taste for masochistic pleasure
- Bridge is like a battle , there is no joy in defeat. You have to climb a hill you want to defend ,
and then die trying to keep hold of your position.
- Bridge is war , in disguise of a sport
- There is more to bridge than life
- Bridge : the art of civilised bunny bashing
- The game for old players who love to lie....still
- A game during which both agnostics and atheists will turn to prayer
- Bridge is a lot like sex, everyone thinks they are the best , but most don't have a bloody clue
as to how to go about it properly
- A game in which if luck was not involved then 99% of players would never win at all
- Bridge's is the world's best game , but with a global image problem
- If you're going to play bridge it's best to develop a taste for masochistic pleasure
- Bridge is like a battle , there is no joy in defeat. You have to climb a hill you want to defend ,
and then die trying to keep hold of your position.
Tuesday, 31 December 2013
Monday, 30 December 2013
NEWSFLASH : BIGOT-JOHNSON AVOIDS TRIAL AND ESCAPES HEFTY DAMAGES AWARD
A group action by ex-members of the infamous Slaughter House BC stopped dead in its tracks , allowing the mightily relieved defendant , Bigot-Johnson , to walk away from the court exempt from paying any legal costs and damages. Apparently , when none of the plaintiffs turned up to direct and instruct their lawyers, the judge had no option but to find in Bigot's favour. Indeed , as the big man walked away a huge smile, ridden with smugness and offensive satisfaction , filled his face.
Why these determined and vengeful plaintiffs failed to appear in court has now become a major concern to all their friends and family. Overnight they disappeared off the face of the earth. Rumours as to their current whereabouts are rife . One theory is that they have all gone into hiding , fearful that Bigot might yet again triumph in court at their expense. Others believe that if Bigot lost in court then he would make sure there would be hell to pay, and the thought of being hounded for life by this man was too much to bear. However, a small group of conspiracy theorists believe that their sudden and unexplained absence has more to do with the fact that somewhere in the grounds of the SHBC several new mounds of soil have been spotted , all having the appearance of hastily dug makeshift graves. Either that or the invasion of a family of nomadic moles.
A group action by ex-members of the infamous Slaughter House BC stopped dead in its tracks , allowing the mightily relieved defendant , Bigot-Johnson , to walk away from the court exempt from paying any legal costs and damages. Apparently , when none of the plaintiffs turned up to direct and instruct their lawyers, the judge had no option but to find in Bigot's favour. Indeed , as the big man walked away a huge smile, ridden with smugness and offensive satisfaction , filled his face.
Why these determined and vengeful plaintiffs failed to appear in court has now become a major concern to all their friends and family. Overnight they disappeared off the face of the earth. Rumours as to their current whereabouts are rife . One theory is that they have all gone into hiding , fearful that Bigot might yet again triumph in court at their expense. Others believe that if Bigot lost in court then he would make sure there would be hell to pay, and the thought of being hounded for life by this man was too much to bear. However, a small group of conspiracy theorists believe that their sudden and unexplained absence has more to do with the fact that somewhere in the grounds of the SHBC several new mounds of soil have been spotted , all having the appearance of hastily dug makeshift graves. Either that or the invasion of a family of nomadic moles.
NEWSFLASH : THE BENIGN BC MEMBERSHIP FINALLY BEGINS TO GROW
For the first time in months new members brought in exceeded old members booted out. The list of last month's applicants accepted by the committee as "suitable " are shown below :
Mr & Mrs Boring Sir Ian Lee
Ellie Gantt Amy Abel
Sue Goode Ann Nice
Fuller Love Len Suffering
Mr & Mrs St.Leigh Sue Pine
Biddy Bull Ima Darling
Jen E. Hall Bess Manners
Noah Greeson Reverend N. Godley
Mr & Mrs Caring N. Dearing
For the first time in months new members brought in exceeded old members booted out. The list of last month's applicants accepted by the committee as "suitable " are shown below :
Mr & Mrs Boring Sir Ian Lee
Ellie Gantt Amy Abel
Sue Goode Ann Nice
Fuller Love Len Suffering
Mr & Mrs St.Leigh Sue Pine
Biddy Bull Ima Darling
Jen E. Hall Bess Manners
Noah Greeson Reverend N. Godley
Mr & Mrs Caring N. Dearing
Saturday, 28 December 2013
NEWSFLASH : BENIGN BC ( USA ) TAKE POLITICAL CORRECTNESS ONTO A NEW SEMANTIC LEVEL
A few days ago the committee decided upon initiating a major cull to remove all unruly and undesirable members from the club. Top of the list were those renown for their awkwardness and vocal opposition with regards to the implementation of the best behaviour zero tolerance policy.
The committee of course felt the need to relabel the cull as " a targeted membership restructuring , realignment , and reduction strategy for the spiritual well being and integrity of the club ".
Semantics aside , members who believed they too might be under threat were naturally horrified at the implications of such a program being undertaken. However, the moment they voiced their opposition to this latest initiative , they unfortunately found themselves to be in the first wave to be thrown out on their ears.
A few days ago the committee decided upon initiating a major cull to remove all unruly and undesirable members from the club. Top of the list were those renown for their awkwardness and vocal opposition with regards to the implementation of the best behaviour zero tolerance policy.
The committee of course felt the need to relabel the cull as " a targeted membership restructuring , realignment , and reduction strategy for the spiritual well being and integrity of the club ".
Semantics aside , members who believed they too might be under threat were naturally horrified at the implications of such a program being undertaken. However, the moment they voiced their opposition to this latest initiative , they unfortunately found themselves to be in the first wave to be thrown out on their ears.
Friday, 27 December 2013
THE BENIGN BC ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY RULES 727-32
727. Under no circumstances whatsoever must a player call an opponent " a filthy low down cheating dog " , even though he/she just happens to be a filthy low down cheating dog.
728 . In the event a player breaks the above rule , requiring a TD to be called over to admonish
his/her most unwelcome slur on a fellow club member , that person must refrain from slagging off the official for failing to deal with the real villain of the piece , namely the cheating opponent.
729. If both the above two rules have been broken , the player concerned must not be seen or heard ranting and raving about the committee after receiving a summons to attend a disciplinary hearing, even though no action at all has been taken against the cheating dog who he felt obliged to chastise and expose.
730. Should the unfortunate player find himself in breach of the above 3 rules , he must not challenge or contest the severe punishment metered out by the committee , having shown him/herself to be nothing more than a thoroughly foul-mouthed, objectionable psychological bully.
731. If this obnoxious irritant insists on his/her right to an internal appeal , the blackguard must not berate , criticise or condemn the appeal panel " as useless tossers " especially when they are hand picked to endorse the committee's original decision, keen to deny that the player was a victim of extreme provocation perpetrated by the cheating antics of a rather unsavoury opponent.
732. In effect the club is more than willing to condone the widespread cheating that goes on in the interests of keeping its members happy , but it will not tolerate loud mouthed gits who get so pissed off with it all they fail to keep their emotions in check , or their thoughts strictly private.
727. Under no circumstances whatsoever must a player call an opponent " a filthy low down cheating dog " , even though he/she just happens to be a filthy low down cheating dog.
728 . In the event a player breaks the above rule , requiring a TD to be called over to admonish
his/her most unwelcome slur on a fellow club member , that person must refrain from slagging off the official for failing to deal with the real villain of the piece , namely the cheating opponent.
729. If both the above two rules have been broken , the player concerned must not be seen or heard ranting and raving about the committee after receiving a summons to attend a disciplinary hearing, even though no action at all has been taken against the cheating dog who he felt obliged to chastise and expose.
730. Should the unfortunate player find himself in breach of the above 3 rules , he must not challenge or contest the severe punishment metered out by the committee , having shown him/herself to be nothing more than a thoroughly foul-mouthed, objectionable psychological bully.
731. If this obnoxious irritant insists on his/her right to an internal appeal , the blackguard must not berate , criticise or condemn the appeal panel " as useless tossers " especially when they are hand picked to endorse the committee's original decision, keen to deny that the player was a victim of extreme provocation perpetrated by the cheating antics of a rather unsavoury opponent.
732. In effect the club is more than willing to condone the widespread cheating that goes on in the interests of keeping its members happy , but it will not tolerate loud mouthed gits who get so pissed off with it all they fail to keep their emotions in check , or their thoughts strictly private.
Wednesday, 25 December 2013
REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG........
Dear Rebecca ,
What on earth is the blog Bizarrebridgeworld all about ? In my opinion it's the insane ravings of a man, who has massive hangups and an extremely warped multiple-personality disorder . Not only that he is crude , bigoted , and an all round nasty piece of work, his blog is a sham having nothing to do with the game itself.
Do you agree ?
Yours utterly gutted by it all , Ima Herring
Dear Ima,
Unlike you I find this blog both revealing and enlightening. If you care to read the blog title it should be obvious , even to a simpleton , that its content is about the " world " of bridge, focusing far more on the administration of the game , the way clubs are run , the types of people the game attracts , their psychological profiles , their petty politics , dealing with many of the contentious issues that forever blight this beautiful game.
Moreover , the blog exposes and ridicules our human frailties and shortcomings. The author's observations are nothing more than a genuine attempt to prove that the world of bridge is truly bizarre. For beneath all the satire , lampooning , sarcasm , and crudity there lies unpalatable truths that very few of us are prepared to acknowledge and accept. And if bridge clubs are depicted as " asylums " then this simply reflects the madness that goes on inside them.
So my advice is this : if you only want to read about bridge hands then explore the many excellent blogs which are out there in abundance on the internet. Otherwise , take off your rose-tinted glasses and see the bridge world as Howard Bigot Johnson does.
Yours another realist and a hard nosed critic , Rebecca Rood
Dear Rebecca ,
What on earth is the blog Bizarrebridgeworld all about ? In my opinion it's the insane ravings of a man, who has massive hangups and an extremely warped multiple-personality disorder . Not only that he is crude , bigoted , and an all round nasty piece of work, his blog is a sham having nothing to do with the game itself.
Do you agree ?
Yours utterly gutted by it all , Ima Herring
Dear Ima,
Unlike you I find this blog both revealing and enlightening. If you care to read the blog title it should be obvious , even to a simpleton , that its content is about the " world " of bridge, focusing far more on the administration of the game , the way clubs are run , the types of people the game attracts , their psychological profiles , their petty politics , dealing with many of the contentious issues that forever blight this beautiful game.
Moreover , the blog exposes and ridicules our human frailties and shortcomings. The author's observations are nothing more than a genuine attempt to prove that the world of bridge is truly bizarre. For beneath all the satire , lampooning , sarcasm , and crudity there lies unpalatable truths that very few of us are prepared to acknowledge and accept. And if bridge clubs are depicted as " asylums " then this simply reflects the madness that goes on inside them.
So my advice is this : if you only want to read about bridge hands then explore the many excellent blogs which are out there in abundance on the internet. Otherwise , take off your rose-tinted glasses and see the bridge world as Howard Bigot Johnson does.
Yours another realist and a hard nosed critic , Rebecca Rood
Tuesday, 24 December 2013
Friday, 20 December 2013
BRIDGE BOOKS ANY UP AND COMING PLAYER SHOULD READ..... ( Recommendations by Pun )
- That Nasty Officious TD Really Laid Down The Law..............Didi Harpon
- I'm Really Struggling To Find A Decent Partner....................May I. Askew
- How The Hell Are We Going To Beat This Crack Team ?.........Annie I. Deers
- Either You Do As I Bloody Say Or Else...............................Heidi Manditt
- There's Nothing That Man Can't Turn His Hand To................D. I. Wyman
- I've Got Some Unfinished Business With That Bigot-Johnson....Noah Hitman
- What Happened To You On Those Exciting Hands ?...............I .Camalott
- Losing Out To A Pair Of Cheats Is Really Hard To Take...........Art Hake
- He Only Likes To Play If There's An Edge...........................Cliff Walker
- My Club Is Run By A Load Of Power Crazed Individuals...........Des Potts
Thursday, 19 December 2013
CATEGORISING BRIDGE PLAYERS........ ( By Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )
Bridge players can be categorised in many different ways , but for me there is only one way that makes any sense.
In both their hearts and minds , a large number of players have a strong desire and inclination to behave unethically , in the hope that this level of dishonesty will get them further down the road to glory than doing things the right way.
The next category of players , which account for nearly all the rest , are those who choose to behave ethically , either because ( a ) they are too frightened of getting caught , or ( b ) they are incapable of developing the dark art of effective cheating.
Finally, we are left with a minority of gifted players , who are so talented at the game they are more than able to get good results without ever resorting to underhand tactics and unethical behaviour.
Bridge players can be categorised in many different ways , but for me there is only one way that makes any sense.
In both their hearts and minds , a large number of players have a strong desire and inclination to behave unethically , in the hope that this level of dishonesty will get them further down the road to glory than doing things the right way.
The next category of players , which account for nearly all the rest , are those who choose to behave ethically , either because ( a ) they are too frightened of getting caught , or ( b ) they are incapable of developing the dark art of effective cheating.
Finally, we are left with a minority of gifted players , who are so talented at the game they are more than able to get good results without ever resorting to underhand tactics and unethical behaviour.
Wednesday, 18 December 2013
BIGOT-JOHNSON FORMS THE NEW CO-INCIDENCE CLUB WITHIN THE SHENANIGANS APPROVED CENTRE FOR CHEATING
Yes the man has done it again with yet another stunning bold initiative. Certain members have been invited to join a club within a club , having been party to some amazing and spectacular co-incidences at the table.
The latest pairings to join were..........
The latest pairings to join were..........
Flinch & Fox.....who on every occasion they quizzed their opponents about the meaning of an artificial suit bid always sat over the bidder with a huge holding in that particular suit
Coxcomb & Smug....who always managed to lead out an Ace whenever partner held a singleton in that suit , immediately setting up a ruffling position on the play of the next trick
Shyster & Flywheel ......who never failed to know the exact point count of partner's immediate double of an opponent's opening suit bid , given the precise lapse of time between the two bids
Little & Large.......who despite proving themselves to be completely useless at the game when partnering others , always managed as a pair to do extremely well in big money competitions and tournaments
Bluster & Bragg......who perfected the art of indecision and hesitation whenever they held a singleton in the suit being played , or a holding without the queen
Payne & Gripe .....who without exception psyched whenever the following circumstances presented themselves ( a ) two opening passes , ( b) favourable vulnerability , ( c ) weak opponents , ( d ) two good boards already bagged in a round of 3 , ( e ) player to bid in third position held a singleton spade or less but instead a long weak minor , ( f ) compulsory pre-empt bid of 3 spades
Sunday, 15 December 2013
ARE BRIDGE PLAYERS INSANE ?............. ( Short article by Carp )
Albert Einstein once said " The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results ".
Well, I have witnessed many bridge players who habitually wander into the realms of magical thinking. Time and time again they believe that this time their deceptive , off-centre bids, or their anti-percentage play of the cards will create a difference , and earn them a great result . Inevitably their results are always the same : complete disasters. Bidding outside the system and playing against the odds are ploys destined never to succeed : ploys which define these players as complete lunatics.
So if clubs are overrun with crazies then surely they should be classified as asylums, where magical thinkers can safely lock horns with one another to turn this bizarre world of bridge into the theatre of the absurd .
Albert Einstein once said " The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results ".
Well, I have witnessed many bridge players who habitually wander into the realms of magical thinking. Time and time again they believe that this time their deceptive , off-centre bids, or their anti-percentage play of the cards will create a difference , and earn them a great result . Inevitably their results are always the same : complete disasters. Bidding outside the system and playing against the odds are ploys destined never to succeed : ploys which define these players as complete lunatics.
So if clubs are overrun with crazies then surely they should be classified as asylums, where magical thinkers can safely lock horns with one another to turn this bizarre world of bridge into the theatre of the absurd .
Friday, 13 December 2013
DEFINING JUSTICE................... ( A short article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )
Justice has many components but some are more important than others. Aristotle , one of the greatest philosophers of all time , believed that the key element of justice is treating like cases alike. This idea however set later thinkers the problem of working out which similarities were most relevant. For Aristotle a parking offence warrants the same £50 fine, whoever the offender might be . Even if the offence was committed by someone for a second or third time , the fine should be the same. The whole notion of eventually hanging someone for a repeated offence would be a totally disproportionate punishment in relation to such a petty crime.
Similarly , Aristotle remarked that it is unjust to treat unequal things equally. Punishment and reward have to be in proportion to the offence committed or the act undertaken. Therefore , it would be totally wrong for a committee to impose a life ban on a member for an act which by any stretch of the imagination could only be defined or established as petty. Even if this petty misdemeanour was one of several complained about over the years, should that person's previous history now elevate it this latest incident into one of gross misconduct ? No, it should not , in that a parking offence still remains a parking offence , and not one which suddenly equates to murder. Moreover , if a person has been punished once for a crime it would be unjust to include that crime again in determining a more severe punishment for a similar offence.
In work related situations , however , the law sees fit to regard repeated petty acts of misconduct , in spite of numerous oral and written warnings , as solid grounds for establishing gross misconduct, for which the dismissal becomes a justified option. But the situation here is fundamentally different in that every previous incident of petty misconduct complained of , no punishment had been handed out at all . The process here is to consider the whole episode of misconduct in just one single hearing to arrive at a fair and proportional punishment.
On a final note, does justice permit mercy and magnanimity ? In my opinion , yes. Where wrongs were committed unintentionally , or with innocent intent , leniency should be applied. Moreover, only he who is without sin should cast the first stone. No one should be judged against standards the rest of us fail to achieve. Justice and hypocrisy should never be allowed to walk hand-in-hand.
Justice has many components but some are more important than others. Aristotle , one of the greatest philosophers of all time , believed that the key element of justice is treating like cases alike. This idea however set later thinkers the problem of working out which similarities were most relevant. For Aristotle a parking offence warrants the same £50 fine, whoever the offender might be . Even if the offence was committed by someone for a second or third time , the fine should be the same. The whole notion of eventually hanging someone for a repeated offence would be a totally disproportionate punishment in relation to such a petty crime.
Similarly , Aristotle remarked that it is unjust to treat unequal things equally. Punishment and reward have to be in proportion to the offence committed or the act undertaken. Therefore , it would be totally wrong for a committee to impose a life ban on a member for an act which by any stretch of the imagination could only be defined or established as petty. Even if this petty misdemeanour was one of several complained about over the years, should that person's previous history now elevate it this latest incident into one of gross misconduct ? No, it should not , in that a parking offence still remains a parking offence , and not one which suddenly equates to murder. Moreover , if a person has been punished once for a crime it would be unjust to include that crime again in determining a more severe punishment for a similar offence.
In work related situations , however , the law sees fit to regard repeated petty acts of misconduct , in spite of numerous oral and written warnings , as solid grounds for establishing gross misconduct, for which the dismissal becomes a justified option. But the situation here is fundamentally different in that every previous incident of petty misconduct complained of , no punishment had been handed out at all . The process here is to consider the whole episode of misconduct in just one single hearing to arrive at a fair and proportional punishment.
On a final note, does justice permit mercy and magnanimity ? In my opinion , yes. Where wrongs were committed unintentionally , or with innocent intent , leniency should be applied. Moreover, only he who is without sin should cast the first stone. No one should be judged against standards the rest of us fail to achieve. Justice and hypocrisy should never be allowed to walk hand-in-hand.
Thursday, 12 December 2013
Tuesday, 10 December 2013
BRIDGE BOOKS LOVED AND REVERED BY GAY PLAYERS........ ( Research by Pun )
- Have I Got A Bridge Story To Tell You..........................................Ariel Belta
- Against These Boys It's A Rear Guard Action.............................Baxter Thirwall
- If You Haven't Got A Partner There's Always A Stand-by............Ann Jobb
- Being A Member Of A Gay BC Does Have Its Advantages..........Seymore Butts
- I've Been Watching You For Quite Some Time............................Onya Case
- What Do You Do After The Bridge Session Is Finished ?..........Humphrey Knightley
- My God He Never Keeps His Hands To Himself..........................Randy Aldman
- Tell Me Partner Do You Have You Any Preferences ?.................Dougie Stiles
- Partner's Sexual Orientation Is A Mystery To Me..........................Ann E. Nigmar
- That Young Bridge Protege Is Just Like His Father..................... Ria Henderson
Sunday, 8 December 2013
JUSTICE AND TD RULINGS.............. ( Article by Carp )
Many TD rulings require the use of both discretion and judgement. Either the incident is not adequately covered by Book rulings , or that Book rulings fail to provide an adequate resolution to the problem. The sole objective of a TD should be to administer justice, which in essence is giving to each side what they are due. The problem is knowing what is due ?
Indeed , an understanding of justice should be a prerequisite in any training programmes for TDs. For instance , justice requires that within the basic structure of fair play , benefit ( or the benefit of doubt ) should go to least advantaged. Experts can expect , and therefore see through , incorrect explanations of bids nervously stuttered out by inexperienced novices. In the same way they can spot a psych , they can always tell when a mis-description has taken place. Similarly , justice requires a balanced overview of the infraction incident , and subsequent dispute , free from bias and prejudice. Moreover , justice requires a certain rectitude of mind , whereby the TD does what ought to be done as opposed to what he feels should be done, given the particular set of circumstances confronting him.
Knowing what is due certainly involves administering either a deserved reward or punishment , and in some circumstances both. So when an infraction occurs it is vital to assess the degree of damage suffered by the injured pair. But this is no easy task. Damage may be impossible to quantify and decide upon , and if cannot be determined then how does one know what should be done to address the wrong to meet the deserving needs of the victims.
In the case of failing give a proper explanation to a bid, surely no reward should be given to the injured pair if it can be established that the infraction did not affect the result . In such circumstances no damage has been done. Often the victims know that the description is wrong or incomplete , and as a result they are not steered into making wrong assessments about the layout of the cards. Again , because no damage has been caused to them , it is far more likely that they will benefit from playing a pair who are bidding on different wavelengths.
Nevertheless justice does require imposing some form of punishment on those who break the rules, and even although victims should not be allowed to profit from an infraction which caused them no loss , the perpetrators need to be dealt with in an appropriate way. This course of action may be necessary if only to serve as a deterrent against repeated misdemeanours. Depending on their degree of experience , the extent of how the bid was incorrectly explained, previous history ( if any ), and whether or not they were a scratch or regular partnership, punishments should vary between a verbal reprimand and the forfeiting of imps or a percentage from their final score.
Many TD rulings require the use of both discretion and judgement. Either the incident is not adequately covered by Book rulings , or that Book rulings fail to provide an adequate resolution to the problem. The sole objective of a TD should be to administer justice, which in essence is giving to each side what they are due. The problem is knowing what is due ?
Indeed , an understanding of justice should be a prerequisite in any training programmes for TDs. For instance , justice requires that within the basic structure of fair play , benefit ( or the benefit of doubt ) should go to least advantaged. Experts can expect , and therefore see through , incorrect explanations of bids nervously stuttered out by inexperienced novices. In the same way they can spot a psych , they can always tell when a mis-description has taken place. Similarly , justice requires a balanced overview of the infraction incident , and subsequent dispute , free from bias and prejudice. Moreover , justice requires a certain rectitude of mind , whereby the TD does what ought to be done as opposed to what he feels should be done, given the particular set of circumstances confronting him.
Knowing what is due certainly involves administering either a deserved reward or punishment , and in some circumstances both. So when an infraction occurs it is vital to assess the degree of damage suffered by the injured pair. But this is no easy task. Damage may be impossible to quantify and decide upon , and if cannot be determined then how does one know what should be done to address the wrong to meet the deserving needs of the victims.
In the case of failing give a proper explanation to a bid, surely no reward should be given to the injured pair if it can be established that the infraction did not affect the result . In such circumstances no damage has been done. Often the victims know that the description is wrong or incomplete , and as a result they are not steered into making wrong assessments about the layout of the cards. Again , because no damage has been caused to them , it is far more likely that they will benefit from playing a pair who are bidding on different wavelengths.
Nevertheless justice does require imposing some form of punishment on those who break the rules, and even although victims should not be allowed to profit from an infraction which caused them no loss , the perpetrators need to be dealt with in an appropriate way. This course of action may be necessary if only to serve as a deterrent against repeated misdemeanours. Depending on their degree of experience , the extent of how the bid was incorrectly explained, previous history ( if any ), and whether or not they were a scratch or regular partnership, punishments should vary between a verbal reprimand and the forfeiting of imps or a percentage from their final score.
Saturday, 7 December 2013
THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED......
- Pack : the prevalent mentality of those hell bent on taking control of bridge club affairs
- Deck : the usual place an opponent gets laid on , after a table tiff turns nasty
- Eavesdropping : a widespread activity carried out by those determined to gain an unfair advantage , by secretly tuning in to overhear the catalogue of mistakes owned up to by others on nearby or adjoining tables
- Prune : a highly descriptive term used to describe a wizened old player with a brain of a similar size
- Bridge convention : devised by players in the hope that their names will live on long after they have departed
- Friendliness : a concept or character trait alien to players sitting around a bridge table
- Committee : a body of elected individuals charged with high duties and misdemeanours
- Rumour : the perfect device so often employed with a high degree of success by unscrupulous club members , who wish to assassinate the good character of another
- Bridge bore : an extremely annoying and irritating person , who never stops talking to those who never stop wishing that he would drop dead
- Holding court : the popular pastime of a bridge bore
- Insult : a derogatory remark next up in degree of enormity to a unwelcome snub or slight
- Discrimination : what takes place inside a bridge club when the particulars noted in one member are declared more objectionable than the same particulars observed in another
Friday, 6 December 2013
THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED........
- Defence: what timid players tend to fall back on when unwilling or unable to launch a bidding attack
- Blind faith : having a firm but misguided belief that a 7S contract can be made when missing the ace of trumps
- Bridge magic : the amazing ability of bringing home a 7S contract when missing the ace of trumps
- Nepotism : the common practice of recruiting family and friends onto a committee in order to consolidate power and eliminate resistance
- Bridge club : a social and friendly setting which strangely appeals to both anti-social people and social misfits
- Chairman : a power crazed individual who believes the pestilence of despotism is far far better than the plague of anarchy
- Indecision : the character trait you wish upon your opponents as the key to your success
- Serial psycher : a maverick bidder with a roving commission to do as he/she sees fit
- Partnership harmony : a phenomenon rarely seen or achieved in the bizarre world of bridge
- Absurdity : a declared line of play which is manifestly inconsistent with one that uses elementary logic and basic counting to achieve success
- Self abasement : a decent and customary practice adopted by most inferior bridge players when apologising to their expert, extremely talented partners
- Social bridge player : a person whose vices and follies make him/her extremely unsociable
Thursday, 5 December 2013
Wednesday, 4 December 2013
BIGOT-JOHNSON PULLS OFF AN AMAZING COUP AT THE SHENANIGANS CENTER OF APPROVED CHEATING......
It was committee time and a crucial vote was about to be taken on an amendment to The Constitution , which would give even more power to the chairman " to do as he sees fit ". Bigot knew well in advance that quite a few of the committee members had grave reservations about this proposal, and might well vote against it. And so slyness and deception was needed.
Not surprisingly a fierce debate took place between Bigot and his main adversaries , which as planned gave no opportunity or scope for the silent majority to have their say or voice their opinions. Many of them just simply looked on in sheer disbelief.
As soon as tempers settled down the voting forms were handed out with a yes/no box to be ticked ( in secret ). The folded forms were collected in, and carefully scrutinised, before being separated into two piles. As planned the larger pile represented the " yes " votes , and a declaration was made stating the 8 members voted in favour of the proposed amendment for change. With only 4 voting against, this meant that the 2/3 majority requirement had been met to give Bigot his hard earned victory.
After the meeting had ended , all the disgruntled committee members headed off into the night to drown their sorrows. Shyster , the Center's exceedingly sly and shadowy secretary , approached Bigot to query how the vote went 8-4 in his favour " when the secret surveillance cameras revealed that 6 had definitely voted against the proposed amendment ".
" Ah " said Bigot , " I anticipated this scenario ......and with slight of hand any magician would have been proud of........ I switched a doctored set of voting returns for the set that was done in the room. Relying on the fact that some of the objectors would not know about others , no one would suspect any foul play on my part. And that's why..........of course....... this place is called Shenanigans ! "
It was committee time and a crucial vote was about to be taken on an amendment to The Constitution , which would give even more power to the chairman " to do as he sees fit ". Bigot knew well in advance that quite a few of the committee members had grave reservations about this proposal, and might well vote against it. And so slyness and deception was needed.
Not surprisingly a fierce debate took place between Bigot and his main adversaries , which as planned gave no opportunity or scope for the silent majority to have their say or voice their opinions. Many of them just simply looked on in sheer disbelief.
As soon as tempers settled down the voting forms were handed out with a yes/no box to be ticked ( in secret ). The folded forms were collected in, and carefully scrutinised, before being separated into two piles. As planned the larger pile represented the " yes " votes , and a declaration was made stating the 8 members voted in favour of the proposed amendment for change. With only 4 voting against, this meant that the 2/3 majority requirement had been met to give Bigot his hard earned victory.
After the meeting had ended , all the disgruntled committee members headed off into the night to drown their sorrows. Shyster , the Center's exceedingly sly and shadowy secretary , approached Bigot to query how the vote went 8-4 in his favour " when the secret surveillance cameras revealed that 6 had definitely voted against the proposed amendment ".
" Ah " said Bigot , " I anticipated this scenario ......and with slight of hand any magician would have been proud of........ I switched a doctored set of voting returns for the set that was done in the room. Relying on the fact that some of the objectors would not know about others , no one would suspect any foul play on my part. And that's why..........of course....... this place is called Shenanigans ! "
Tuesday, 3 December 2013
NEWSFLASH : ALARMING DEVELOPMENTS AT SHENANIGANS BC CAUSE THE EBU TO GET EXTREMELY WORRIED............
It was bound to happen with Bigot-Johnson in charge. The ultimate chairman is on the verge of changing the name of the club to Shenanigans Center of Approved Cheating , such is the widespread practice of peeking , eavesdropping , walkabouts , expressive body language , coded card placements and gestures , loaded questions , hesitations and cunning use of TDs.
When questioned the chairman firmly believed that the best way to create a level playing field " was to provide everyone with the same opportunities to develop and harness their cheating methods to the same universal standard ".
As a result of this bold brave initiative, special classes are being planned by the Bigot to educate those not yet familiar with the dark arts. Students will be taught and encouraged to use all the techniques so successfully employed by him over the years.
Indeed, the potential take up for these classes seems to be massive, with non-members from far and wide expected to join up. These are likely to include keen tournament players yet to achieve any level success , given their modest ability at the game.
Even the £100 session fee is not expected to curb demand as everyone seems utterly fascinated by the abstract beauty and subtlety of Bigot's dark and dastardly table antics, so full of invention , creativity and cunning.
It was bound to happen with Bigot-Johnson in charge. The ultimate chairman is on the verge of changing the name of the club to Shenanigans Center of Approved Cheating , such is the widespread practice of peeking , eavesdropping , walkabouts , expressive body language , coded card placements and gestures , loaded questions , hesitations and cunning use of TDs.
When questioned the chairman firmly believed that the best way to create a level playing field " was to provide everyone with the same opportunities to develop and harness their cheating methods to the same universal standard ".
As a result of this bold brave initiative, special classes are being planned by the Bigot to educate those not yet familiar with the dark arts. Students will be taught and encouraged to use all the techniques so successfully employed by him over the years.
Indeed, the potential take up for these classes seems to be massive, with non-members from far and wide expected to join up. These are likely to include keen tournament players yet to achieve any level success , given their modest ability at the game.
Even the £100 session fee is not expected to curb demand as everyone seems utterly fascinated by the abstract beauty and subtlety of Bigot's dark and dastardly table antics, so full of invention , creativity and cunning.
Sunday, 1 December 2013
VOTED THE MOST SENSATIONAL BRIDGE BOOKS EVER WRITTEN....... ( Survey results by Pun )
- I'm Almost Certain I've Got A 70% Scorecard Here.........................Shirley Isa Winner
- She Doesn't Give A Damn About Over Bidding.............................Blythe Lee Gunn-Hoe
- Changing The Constitution To Give The Committee More Power....Ivan I. Deer
- This Legal Dispute Is Going To Set A Landmark Precedent............Tess Case
- As For Court Costs Whatever Will Be Will Be.................................Kay Sarah Serrah
- As Chairman I Never Let Anything Get Pass Me..............................I. C.Hall
- That Troublemaker Is Wasting His Time Seeking Readmission.....Enid Knott-Bother
- How Come That Flying Bridgemate Sent Him To Hospital ? ...........Ed N. Jurie
- Did The Bridgemate Tosser Have A Target In Mind ?......................Hugh Noes
- She's Renown For Lambasting Her Partners.................................Ruth Leslie Krule
- I'll Tell You Why I Passed Your 2 No Trump Rebid..........................Ivor Porrand
- Couldn't Help Overhearing Your Disagreement Over The Bidding....May I. N. Trude
- Our Exit From The NICKO Was In Round Two................................Earl E. Dawes
- Please Tell Your Players Not To Form A Disorderly Queue..............Stan N. Lyne
- Be Warned Partner , I'm Renown For My Explosive Temper.............T. N. Tee
- Don't Ever Let Opponents Bully Or Intimidate You.............................Mo M. Downe
- What Would You Have Done If Accused Of Cheating ?.....................Ida Dide
- It's Win Or Bust Time , Partner............................................................Orla Nuthin
- Please Don't Drop Me From The Team...............................................Ava Haart
- If I'm Dropped From This Team I'll Top Myself...................................Harry Carrie
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