BRIDGE PLAYER'S LAMENT..................... ( A literary masterpiece discovered By Bridgemeister Gibson inside an old and rare second-hand bridge book, he bought at a recent car boot sale )

I never cry

I never nag

I never shout

I never brag

I never cheat

I never wail

I'm happy to lose

I'm happy to fail

I never moan

I never bite

I never niggle

I never fight

I never snarl

I never snap

Hey what I've just said

Is a whole load of crap

Because when I play bridge

I become a changed man

And all these good virtues

Go straight down the pan

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : THE SIAR SYNDROME

Most psychological and personality disorders affecting bridge players are obvious to all those looking on. However, there is one hidden syndrome that many of us fail to notice in others, simply because victims tend to hide the symptoms very well. Called the SIAR syndrome, this debilitating condition leaves its victims depleted, defeated, dejected, demoralised and depressed. It's an affliction that makes these victims cry out to themselves: " Why me ? "

SIAR is an acronym for " Stuck-In-A-Rut ", and a rut by definition is a settled or established habit or course of action, which leads to boredom, misery, and depression. The phrase " in a rut " alludes to having a wheel stuck in a groove in the road, which is hard to escape.

In bridge the " conventional " rut relates to a player who finds him/herself trapped in a never-ending sequence of poor decisions, bad luck and wretched results. No matter how hard a victim tries to escape (or rectify ) this situation , the more entrenched it becomes. Some players, who desperately try to get out of the rut, behave as if they were digging their way out of a hole. All they end up doing is making the hole bigger !

What's worse for these victims is that because it was so easy for them to fall into such ruts, any escape may only provide a temporary reprieve..... bridge being such a cruel and merciless game. Smart arse commentators have remarked that the great advantage of being in a rut is that victims knows exactly where they are at. Well, for them to know they are at the bottom.......trapped in some horrible abyss.......offers no comfort at all, since it is a situation they find hard to accept. As another commentator once remarked, " the only difference between a rut and a grave are the dimensions ".

As for helping SIAR victims, this can be " tricky ". Changing the mind sets of players, who have this condition, requires them to initiate crucial changes, such as changing partners, system cards, sitting positions, bidding and play strategies, habits and rituals they feel comfortable with...and possibly even bridge clubs. For most victims the idea of change is a " no-no ", as their current mind set convinces them " that'll never work " or " too risky..... need to play it safe ". As a consequence of this negativity, the cycle of disadvantage remains unbroken. Sadly, procrastination and SIAR go hand in hand. " But I might change that in the future " are words that are nothing more than wishful thinking....words that ring disturbingly hollow.

WALKING ON WATER.......................... ( Article by Johnny Supremo )

Opening leads against slams can turn out to be match winners or match losers. Why just the other day I was involved in a team of 4 ( aggregate scoring ) knock-out match......... and despite my first half heroics we were well down at the break. Then came a succession of very flat part-score boards, where very little was clawed back. However, when the penultimate board came along the miracle happened. Sitting South I was declarer in a vulnerable 6H contract....doubled and redoubled. East, who made the double had already competed with his two suited diamond/spade hand ). I held Qx....KQ9xxx....Kx....10xx, while my partner had been bidding on AK10x.....AJ10x......(void).....KJ9xx. East of course had made a lightner double for an obvious club lead, but my redouble was a pure gamble, because instinct told me we needed a really big result here to win this match.

Everything now depended on what card emerged from West's hand for the opening lead. Had my redouble somehow added confusion to an already foggy mind. Who knows ? But what did emerge from this inept defender was the 6 of spades !! The miracle of walking on water was about to unfold. I naturally took the trick in hand, ruffed a diamond, came back across to my trump queen, for a another diamond ruff with the Ace of hearts. I then played a heart from dummy to run out 5 heart winners in hand. Nine tricks were safely in the bag.

Poor East was squeezed. He couldn't guard spades without having to pitch the queen of clubs, and so a simple throw in with a club resulted in him being end played in spades. Reading his hand required simple logic and deduction, but the walking on water always required a great big dollop of help from The One above. That bumbledog lead resulted in a gain of 3220 points ( +2220 as opposed to -1000 ).......and so the " walking " continued as we sneaked home to an improbable victory by a mere 140 points.

YOU NEVER CAN TELL ... ( A classic Chuck Berry song adapted by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

In bridge, more than any other game unexpected results crop up time and time again. Fate often conspires against the very best players, catapulting complete numpties to the top. How many times do we hear disgruntled players say " How on god's earth did they manage to win ? " So why not adopt this wonderful song as an advert for the game, convincing people " you never can tell " what might happen......because if the gods are up to playing tricks........... then the unexpected will surely happen.

* * * * * * *

It was a most unusual pairing

But the selectors wished them well

Many wondered if they'd hit it off

Fearing that they just wouldn't gel

But boy did their opponents suffer

As they sure did give 'em hell

" C'est la vie ", say the old folks

It goes to show you never can tell

They furnished their system card

With loads of clever devices

Cunning, nasty devious bids

To put their oppo in crisis

And when psyches were used

Boy did they work out well

" C'est la vie" , say the old folks

It goes to show you never can tell

Their barn-storming sessions

Hit oppos with helluva blast

Gaining eight hundred penalties

And others incredibly vast

But then the game lost its buzz

And their motivation fell

" C'est la vie ", say the old folks

It goes to show you never can tell

So then they took up poker

With their bridge days finally over

Success in this game meant money

Their life was now in clover

So when at last they married

It was a story that ended so well

" C'est la vie ", say the old folks

It goes to show ........you never can tell

LAW REPORT : HEALTH & SAFETY INSPECTORATE v. MRS. BIGOT-JOHNSON (2010 )

( A criminal prosecution was brought against Mrs. Bigot-Johnson for a blatant breach of the regulations relating to the control of hazardous waste, as laid down by the HSAW Act. A short but relevant extract from the recorded notes of the trial can be seen below. )

Prosecuting counsel : Is it not the case Mrs. B that your husband is a complete waste of space....

Mrs B-J : Yes...there's no denying that.....

PC : And..... using your very own words is he not also....... " a complete waste of time " ?

Mrs B-J : That's has always been my opinion...

PC : So in other words he is quite simply " a waste "

Mrs. B-J : Yes....

PC : But a waste ....which you knew was both hazardous and dangerous to others

Mrs. B-J : Well, he's always seems to be cause of every ruction and explosive incident that takes place at his bridge club

PC : Yes, and most of those incidents have all been highlighted earlier on in this trial

Mrs. B-J : Yes...most of them were truly shameful...

PC : I know.....but the crucial fact on which this case turns is that you, Mrs. B, put it upon yourself to lock your husband in at night to stop him going out to the club. You imposed upon yourself the duty to control and make safe this hazardous waste.....which was infact your husband. In law the liability is strict for anyone who (a) has on their land a dangerous thing which is likely to do mischief should it escape, and (b) fails to stop its escape by some careless act or omission. By failing in your duty Mrs. B, you are prima facie answerable for all the damage, which was clearly a direct consequence of a tragic oversight .

Mrs.B-J : I never realised....but surely the club should not have let him in ?

PC : Interesting point, but your husband was still a paid-up member....and not under any ban at that time. Therefore, he had a right to enter. However, you were the one who was operating a ban at your end, having volunteered to become his jailer. The duty to stop him going into the club was yours....and yours alone.

Mrs B-J : Oh....

PC : And once your husband got to the bridge club, several players then became traumatised by his appalling behaviour, and his endless histrionics. The psychological damage he caused to these poor people was immense.

Mrs. B-J : I'm so sorry, but I didn't know the crafty old devil had managed to steal... and copy..... a set of keys behind my back....

PC : Sadly for you, that excuse does not add up to a viable defence.....because, when you have under your control a hazardous waste like that, it must be locked away very, very securely. The greater the risk the greater the standard of care imposed upon you. Your husband can be likened to a toxic poison.....and your carelessness, regretfully, let him loose. Is there you any comment you would like to make at this stage of the trial ?

Mrs. B-J: Just one.........................Bugger

ANIMAL FARM SOMETIME IN THE FUTURE...... ( Fantasy bridge story by Pun )

Life on the farm had not changed much, with " equality " still the norm.......except when it came to playing bridge. Here, there were two clear divisions : those who can play the game ......and those who can't. Indeed, all the animals took up big stakes rubber bridge as a way of enhancing their modest income, which of course came from an equal share of the farm's weekly profits. This year the farm was holding a winner-takes-all rubber bridge tournament, where the triumphant pair would walk away with all the booty. The last two pairs, who made it through to the final play-off were the much fancied Chicken Licken and Billy Boy Boxer, up against the rank outsiders Percy Pig and Orson Carte.

Now down to the last few boards, both pairs were level on 19500 points in the race to reach 20,000 first. One successful game bid and made could secure victory for either of them. Percy Pig was first to bid. He had been wallowing for some time in the glory of a remarkable come back from being several thousand down. He was now ready to bring home the bacon to please his wife, but the hand he picked up filled his head with both dismay and disappointment : xx....x...Q1098xxxx....QJ. Reluctantly, Percy elected to pass, as did Billy-Boy.

Orson, who was born on another farm not far from Canterbury, had come to regard his partner as " the hideous hog ". Trying to end up as declarer had been like flogging a dead horse......but Percy had been playing like a demon over the last few rubbers......pulling in one contract after another. Who the hell said pigs can't fly ? However, his hand was also bereft of HCPs except for two Black Beauties ( Aces ) : Axx...xx....Jxx.....Axxxx.

He too elected to pass.

In the fourth seat was Chicken Licken, who was now looking cock-a-hoop. His hand was almost a two-level opener : KJ10....AKQ10xx......A.....xxx, but 1H was his preferred bid. Again Percy passed, but Billy Boy suddenly had his tail up too. His Q10xxx....Jxxx....K......Kxx surely was enough to make 4H a simple formality. He wanted to go home top dog, looking to give some of the winning stake money to his girlfriend Kay Nine. So the 4H bid hit the table, followed by two more passes.

But Percy Pig had other ideas. He too wanted the money for his piggy bank.....and so a 5D sacrifice might well keep them in the match.....at least for a bit longer. Two more passes quickly followed. Chicken Licken was at the cross-roads. Aware his mind was tiring ( he was no spring chicken anymore ), he knew much depended on making the right call. He needed this tournament win to keep his place in the top of pecking order. He couldn't risk 5H, when a double might be far more profitable. To bid on could leave him with egg on his face. Laying down a " double " was his best option alright. And it was this bid that ended the auction.

Billy Boy pondered hard and long. " You to find a lead " said Orson, whose dry throat made his voice sound rather hoarse. Thinking that the jack of hearts seemed the best bet, he was pleasantly surprised when it won the first trick. On seeing a second heart in dummy, he decided to continue with the suit ! How wrong that turned out to be. This was ruffed by Percy, who prompted led out a small diamond felling both the stiff king and Ace. A belated switch by Chicken to a spade was taken in dummy with the Ace, and after a successful club finesse, followed by the suit being ruffed out, there was an established club set up in dummy to provide a parking space for Percy's losing spade. Contract made.

Percy Pig, despite having a stye in his eye, winked at his partner. This was the Trigger for Orson to rear up in delight. A quick gallop poll of the onlooking kibitzers certainly revealed how much they wanted Percy to win . Chicken Licken was now spitting feathers, unable to keep his pecker up. He knew his final bid wasn't up to scratch. Billy Boy then barked at him in no uncertain terms : " I have a bone to pick with you. Not only was it a foul double......but you could have overtaken my jack of hearts, switching to a spade before the diamonds had been played. " Chicken stretched out his neck and replied : " Don't give me that innocent hang-dog look.....my 10 of hearts was a command to you to lead spades, because if I wanted a heart continuation I would have surely over-taken your jack ....you fool. "

And while those two carried on arguing, the winners slipped away to stuff the prize money in their pockets as fast as they could. Would life on animal farm ever be the same again ?

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG.........................

Dear Rebecca,

Do you think there is too much snobbery and elitism in the world of bridge ?

Yours still unable to get inside the inner circle, Toby Shaw

Dear Toby,

As in any world of sport, players are drawn towards those they most identify with, possessing the same qualities, aims and ambitions. Experts will seek out experts, and losers will only find the comfort of equality by partnering other losers. In every bridge club players tend to find their own level, mixing and mingling with those they recognise as equals.

Elitism as such does not exist as something sinister or nasty. Nor is it a blatant demonstration of seclusion and superiority. The situation occurs simply because of an innate instinct we share with birds.....where, if we are of the same feather, we flock together. So it is best all round, if you can go and find your own outer circle.

As for your suggestion that snobbish attitudes might well prevail in the world of bridge, I am tempted to side with you on that one. In every group there are always one or two individuals who are pretentious, stuck up, uppish, uppity, and so-up-arses-of-their peers. These are the tossers who relish the idea of looking down on others below, with absolute disdain and rejection. They crave for elitist status, resenting the time they may have to spend mixing with the mere mortals....the riff raff .....the motley crews....that are all too common within bridge club memberships.

But on a completely different note....... what what really gets my blood boiling is the way that book publishers take the snobbish view that the only bridge material worth printing comes from well-known high profile celebrity players. Thank god for the net, I say, and the wonderful bridge bloggers out there, who produce great stuff for free.....most of which is very readable and entertaining. I have read dozens of bridge books over the years, but only a few were well worth the money I shelled out. As for the rest...well, the content was nothing more than mediocre and uninspiring. In that respect, bloggers have put such authors to shame.

And has any newspaper or book publisher ever come knocking on my door to publish my letters ? Not a chance....Why is that....... given my genius, sharp wit and unquestionable wisdom ? ....Answer : Not only do I remain fairly anonymous........but by my association with The Bigot has done irreparable damage to what little reputation I once had.

Yours struggling more than ever to make a breakthrough into the big time, Rebecca Rood

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT NEVER MADE IT BIG IN THE USA...... ( Fumes Pun )

• Let's Rid The Game Of Unethical Players.......................Warren Cheets
• I'll Tell You What Happened To Me At Crockfords............Kay M. Last
• Bridge In Ireland Comes of Age......................................Pat Land
• Chinese Grandmaster Loses Again .............................Sum Ting Wong
• What? You've Never Scored Less Than 60% ..................R. U. Furreal
• If You Want To Win At Teams, Bring In The Big Boys......J. C. Bees
• Partner, I Have A Request.............................................Heywood Jablome
• Knowing Who Holds The Missing Queen Is Easy...........Ike Entell
• If You Want A Monkey As A Partner Then......................Marian Hape
• Bridge Professionals Go Undercover..............................Ida Downe

SOME DECLARERS ARE JUST TOO DAMN GOOD.......( By Howard Bigot-Johnson )

Sometimes there is no justice in this world, when say on the verge of glory you happen to meet the one player who is and always be will your nemisis. There I was...up against a player who oscillates from being brilliant one minute to misreading bids and/or revoking the next. But against me......he always comes good......and this hand was no exception.

Love all....and so I opened the bidding with a super-mini 1NT ( 8-10 points). This was followed by a double from North, and two more passes. I redoubled, pass, and my partner bids 2C showing clubs and a major. Now this time round, it was The Man in the South chair who doubled. So I redoubled again ( saying partner please name your major ), pass, 2H from partner, double from The Man, pass....... and 2S by North. Now The Man bid 3NT to end the auction.

I led the 6 of heart, and dummy came down with AQ109x.....A.....A10xx......xxx, and declarer's hand as it turned out was Kx.....Q9xx....Q8x......KJxx. He clearly had a lot of work to do.

So he set off after taking the first trick in dummy with the stiff Ace, to play a diamond to his queen and my king. So I fired back another heart to be taken by my partner's king. At trick 4 partner returned the 10 of hearts taken by declarer's queen. Then the came the sickenly successful finesse of my diamond jack. So when he came back to hand with the king of spades, he sweetly finessed me for the jack of spades (!) to make the contract....giving me zero match points.

Sure enough the scoresheet was littered with 3NT-1 all over the place, with the defence making 1S, 1D, 2H and 1C.

Why pick on me ?....I said to myself. And why play me for both jacks ? .....I said to him. His answer was both thoughtful and polite. " Two clues were there. You had come up with KJ of diamonds, and by inference the heart jack. So if you didn't hold the club Ace then it was almost certain you had the club queen and the spade jack. Moreover, if you did hold the club Ace, then you couldn't have the club queen......but still enough room to possess the spade jack. However, the main clue was your second redouble.....saying please partner choose your major. This indicated....but not conclusively....that you much preferred to play in a major, which suggested to me the presence of BOTH 4 card majors in your hand.

Upon my tortured soul.... how right he was, since I held : Jxxx......Jxxx......KJx....Qx

And the next board.....well history repeated itself yet again, when he pulled off one more piece of magic to dump me with another galactic bottom. Some declarers it seems are just too damn good.........

( Adapted from an original article written by Dave Robinson for Sheffield BC newsletter )

BIGOT JOHNSON'S BLOG WINS PRAISE INDEED..................

Dear Howard,

I was reading with great delight one of your recent posts by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber, who was trying to explain why he perceived the world of bridge as incredibly bizarre. Some of his observations had dark undertones to them, but this is not a criticism.....................because the bridge world which I belong to is so dark and so weird, it's positively scary.

So here's my tuppence worth of observations as to why there is nothing to match the bizarre world of bridge, since this is where you really can expect to see the following :

- long term friendships ending in a matter of seconds

- people you have known as peace campaigners throwing down gauntlets left, right and centre

- partners who claim to be your friend constantly crucifying you behind your back

- more dishonesty going on than in a den of thieves

- loving husbands refusing to play with their wives ( and vice versa )

- arrogance and pomposity running riot

- players showing complete ignorance and/or contempt for the laws of the game

- nepotism rearing its head in all its various forms

- people doubting the sanity of others............ as well as their own

- members defending the indefensible

- players bad mouthing others for being ill-mannered

- highly educated people, with high powered jobs, failing to solve the simplest play problems

- players, who have no problem remembering tittle-tattle gossip, failing to recall the last card played

- people, who are oblivious to the sensitivity of others, whinging at the slightest untoward comment made against them

Yours a man like yourself, the one and only.......Fen Boy

LOOKING AHEAD TO TRICK 10...... AT TRICK ONE ! ( Article by Johnny Supremo )

The only way to be successful at bridge is to think ahead ....and plan ahead. My partner and I needed a couple tops to cement our number one position. I was dealt AKQ3....KQ7.....KQ107......A9, but my partner held a more modest 954...62....A942.....KQ62.

Six diamonds was a lay-down with 12 certain tricks, but I opted to take a punt at 6NT. However, with bad breaks there might only be ten tricks on top, However this became eleven, when East lead out the jack of diamonds at trick one. Now, by leading up to the king of hearts presumably taken by East with the Ace, I could take 8 tricks out of the first nine : 3 top spades, 4 diamonds and at trick nine, the Ace of clubs. This would leave a 4 card ending : me with 3.....Q7...(no diamonds).....9, and dummy with (no spades)... 6...(no diamonds)....KQ6. THE SQUEEZE WAS ON. East who started out with a 2-5-2-4 distribution was obviously holding 3 clubs to J108 and 1 decent heart. West who was clearly holding onto the boss spade, now only had room for 2 hearts and a club.

If now the 9 of clubs is played to dummy queen, with the king to follow. West is well and truly fixed : he must surrender the 10 of spades or the 8 of hearts. Slam made.......top well earned.

In other scenarios, the defenders are in similar trouble since between them they had to guard against 3 clubs winners, 2 heart winners and 1 spade winner, but each only had four cards to achieve this impossible goal. If East had the 3 clubs and the winning spade, then the queen of hearts at trick 10 squeezes him straightaway.

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG...................

Dear Rebecca,

The other day I opened 1NT ( playing Acol 12-14), and I got severely reprimanded by partner after it was doubled...vulnerable....going off 5.....for minus 1400. The hand in question was Q76....K954....KQ....Q742. Had I made a big mistake or what ? Did I deserve such condemnation and abuse ? For here was I, partnering a hypocrite of a man, who informed me later on that he plays a mini notrump ( 10-12 Ist/2nd position ) with his regular partner.

Yours struggling to see the logic of his argument, Misty Windows

Dear Misty,

I'm afraid I'm with your partner on this one. Your opening 1NT bid was ill-judged and woefully naive, being a 12 HCP load of filth. Using a back-up zar point count method of evaluating your hand, your total only comes to 22 ( 12+8 + 2 ), which is 4 short of the required total to open the bidding at the one level. This should tell you, given the adverse vulnerability, to keep your mouth shut.

Indeed, looking at this hand from other perspectives :

- having 5 HCPs tied up in a 2 card suit is bad news

- if the opponents hold the Ace of diamonds , the king is effectively worth diddly squat ( nothing )

- lacking useful intermediates weakens the hand even further

- there is no decent suit to speak of

If you must open on such tat, I suggest you open 1C ( even if it was a 3 card suit ), because there is no way that it is ever likely to be doubled for penalties...and then left in.

As for your partner using the mini notrump, I bet you a king's ransom he only opens the bidding where the circumstances are right : green against red, honours in his longest suits, and possibly holding a 5 card suit other than spades. Even if he gets doubled, I dare say he has a few wriggle options available, and should he end up going off 4 for minus 800, the net damage might only be minus 180......with the opponents having a near certain game contract on their way.

So please remember this : you are not obliged to open 1NT 0n 12 HCPs if the hand is riddled with poor features and glaring weaknesses. You can also come to life if partner enters the bidding......or protect...... later on.

Yours wondering what the bridge world is coming too,

Rebecca Rood

HEADLINES USED IN OLD SHEFFIELD BRIDGE CLUB NEWSLETTERS REVEAL THE FULL EXTENT OF PUN'S RARE TALENT................. ( All the names used below are genuine )

- Partner's antics makes Anne Cross

- Rosemary ( Johnson ) invited to spice up D team in the nick of thyme

- Grossman wins re-election onto committee by 144 votes

- Pope gives his blessings to committee's new proposals

- Robinson finds himself in a jam

- Jacobs finally gets a foot onto the Chamberlain ladder

- Sandy shores up the C team

- Club gets burgled : Littlewood calls in the copse

- " Is bridge a fair game ? " asks Partridge

- Woodman axes 3 more club competitions

- Barber caught out by scissors coup

- Fishy goings-on by opponents upset Pike

- Upstairs fire : Waterman and Hose to the rescue

- Fingerprints found on lead piping in the library : White is the prime suspect

- Seeing double : Ian Johns caught partnering Ian Johnson

- Foley and Camm shaft their opponents

- New bridgemates suit Taylor to a tee

- Ann Wall papers over the cracks

- Mystery deepens as to where Bernard Parkes his Porsche

( In many ways this is a quirky kind of thing any member can have fun with in their own bridge club newsletters.......if only to add a bit of light relief for those who like something completely different. )

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : THE GANSER SYNDROME

One of the most common mental disorders, I'm forever treating bridge players for, is the Ganser Syndrome. In a nutshell, it is a dissociative disorder, previously classified as a factitious one. It is characterised by nonsensical or wrong answers to questions, as well as giving incorrect explanations. Other names given to this particular disorder include :

- nonsense syndrome

- balderdash syndrome

- syndrome of approximate answers

- 2+2=5 syndrome

- can-never-give-a straight-answer syndrome

- pseudodementia

- bridge players' psychosis

The last label originates from the fact that the syndrome is most prevalent in bridge clubs. Symptoms include a clouding of consciousness, confusion and extreme anxiety. Most victims, when flustered or panic-stricken, give approximate or incomplete answers to even the most simple questions, whether they are posed by opponents, partners or TDs. In some cases answers spurted out are a combination of contradictions, ambiguities and complete and utter nonsense. Ask them what is the point range of their Michael's overcall, and you might get the following answers: " 8 or 13 .....no ....8 possibly up to 18 ", or " 8+ non vulnerable and 13+ vulnerable ", or " 8 + 13 making it up to 21 in total ".

But not only that, victims with this disorder will make absurd statements to rectify the verbal hole they have dug themselves in, or hide behind excuses such as memory loss, mental fatigue, lazy thinking and malingering. However, because they fully understand the questions asked, they appear to those asking the questions to give incorrect answers deliberately ! Not so......these poor unfortunate people are not pathological liars.....they are simply victims of an extreme dissociative disorder, which many colleagues of mine describe " as being in a hysterical twilight state ".

What causes players to answer " what is your 1 notrump range ? " with the answer " 2 possibly 3 " has more to do with getting flustered than going gaga. When these players feel they are being interogated, they immediately experience undue pressure and stress. This causes the ganser syndrome to lock in straightaway. Indeed, the symptoms are worse if sufferers believe that those posing the questions will be paying very close attention to what they are about to say. Once the panic-anxiety button has been pressed, the boundaries of approximations bend ever further......to add to the verbal garbage that is inevitably spewed out by the bucket load. Ironically, the greater the pressure that is put upon them to give a correct or " corrected " answer, the greater the likelihood that the answer becomes ridiculously absurd.

A FANTASY BRIDGE HAND COURTESY OF BOBBY WOLFF .. ( Article by Pun )

I have always liked the idea of creating fantasy bridge hands, which would always cause mayhem and amusement at the bridge tables. Dreaming up nightmare hands provides a safe release for my sadistic tendencies, where only fantasy figures are on the receiving end.

Well, 40 years ago when I first took up bridge I had the good fortune to pick up one of all time favourite bridge books " Playing With The Aces " by Ira Corn Jr. And just the other day when I dipped into it again, there on page 30 was Bobby Wolff's very own fantasy hand. The chapter was entitled " A Bridge Player's Nightmare ( The Wolff in Wolf's Clothing) " , and it is a story which provides a lesson to us all.

The contract was 6S with dummy (North) offering very little in the way of 943....Q7.....Q976....J854 opposite declarer's massive AQ108765.....A6....A.....AKQ.

In Wolff's dream he made N/S vulnerable, and the man himself was sitting East with a 2-6-5-0 distribution. He knew that a double for a club ruff would achieve very little. Declarer would have no choice after winning the return at trick 2 but to lay down the Ace of spades. This line of play would see the contract home when the West's stiff King falls underneath it. Next would come the queen of spades drawing the jack, two top clubs, a low spade to dummy's 9, and the losing heart going away on the jack of clubs.

Oh no, this story had to have a different ending. Defenders had to be smarter than that. And so in this fantasy hand West led the jack of hearts from J109, and when the queen was played from dummy, the crafty and wily Wolff played small !.........luring and enticing an unsuspecting declarer into a trap. He had fortuitously got into dummy and was now in a position to make a safety play in spades. From his point of view, the only way the contract could fail was if he found East with KJx of spades....and he failed to take the finesse.

So at trick 3, a trump appeared from dummy, and the Wolff played low......cunningly low....and the finesse of the queen lost to West's stiff king. Back came a club for the Wolff-man to ruff. Such joy. Such delight.

Indeed, for people wanting to improve their game, there is so much to learn from this story : defenders always need think ahead.....never rushing in at trick 1........having a real understanding of how declarer's mind will be working.......using cunning and guile to steer declarers away from a winning line of play ( into one which will fail )...... and even when contracts look unbeatable defenders must never give up ( nil desperandum )...... always looking to use deception and smokescreens to induce declarer errors.

THE TRULY BIZARRE WORLD OF BRIDGE...... ( Article by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

Let's get real here........until you entered the world of bridge never in a month of Sundays did you expect to see......

- big strapping men being reduced to tears

- well educated people thinking like dorks

- so much unabated back-stabbing

- post-match discussions becoming re-enactments of " The Spanish Inquisition "

- so many experts all sitting under the same roof

- people having been voted onto committees by popular approval becoming immediately unpopular

- grown men behaving like children

- vast fortunes being spent solely to achieve ranking promotions that mean diddly squat

- players away from the tables spending endless hours on the net reading bridge blogs

- such blatant examples of favouritism, prejudice and bias

- peoples' lives being taken over by nothing more than just a game

- people with such great minds becoming so petty-minded

- good honest folk resorting to cheating

- players being in complete self-denial that their hopeless scores are directly linked to their gross inabilities

- a simple overtrick becoming a matter of life and death

- players suffering week-in week-out, but still coming back for more

- clubs being secretly re-registered as " open access " asylums

- people suddenly discovering they do indeed have nasty bones inside their bodies

- all kinds of psychological and personality disorders manifesting themselves in great abundance

- quiet peace loving folk getting het up over nothing

- so much mental anguish ( and break-down ) as the price worth paying for the privilege to play

- the ridiculing of players' table misfortunes becoming every one's favourite occupation

- sane rational people turning into homicidal maniacs

- the most mediocre players running the teaching sessions

- long standing members being given sitting seats !

- players being hung, drawn and quartered for failing to count properly

S.J. SIMON'S BOOK IS TOTALLY FLAWED...... (Says Howard Bigot-Johnson )

Most bridge players have either read, or heard about, S.J.Simon's great book " Why you lose at bridge ". Indeed, it is always revered and respected by all categories of bridge player.....and for many, it has become their bible.

However, poor old Simon completely lost the plot when he placed all on the blame " on you ". ( Hey, when I lose it is never down to me ! ) Did he not realise there are 5 other people, who have a direct say in your destiny at the tables : partner, two opponents, TD and God. Then, there is the rest of the field sitting in the same direction as yourself, who are always handed gifts by lackadaisical opponents left, right and sodding centre.

Anyway, it's about time someone.....like me.... stepped forward to come clean with the brutal truth. So this is why I have decided to give you a brief insight into Howard Bigot-Johnson's Definitive And Comprehensive List Of Reasons Why You Lose At Bridge.

- Your partner is a complete duffer

- Your partner ( even if he/she is decent ) is never on the your wave length

- Your partner ( even if he/she is an expert ) is forever making clever bids which you, or anyone else, finds impossible to decipher

- Opponents have a jinx on you, never failing to do the right things

- Opponents who are smart enough to read all information trances you and your partner fall into

- Opponents who are cheating dogs

- TDs who have got in for you, being biased and twisted bastards

- Hands that don't suit your system bids

- Hands that have been rigged, which savagely expose the inadequacies of your system

- Fields who have conspired together to screw you up good and proper

- Sudden and unfortunate attacks of amnesia on either you or partner

- Temporary but devastating bouts of insanity on either you or partner

- Alien possession of your mind, hell-bent on having fun at your expense

- Your innate inability to count beyond seven

- God hates you

- The Devil is out to get you

- Lady Luck wants nothing to do with you

- You are tactically inept, and technically woeful

- You are prone to flights of fancy and/or walkabouts

- You have no idea about swinging, which is when 50% scores do no good at all !

- You have the concentration span of a gnat

- You are easily huffed and bluffed, a sucker who falls into every trap that has been set with you in mind

- You are incapable of learning from past mistakes

- Your tendency to " lose it ", when coolness and calmness is called for

- Your blithering timidity, and your yellow-bellied, spineless personality

- Your complete lack of table presence

- ( And finally ) Your complete lack of ability to play the game....even at a basic elementary level

All these points will be dealt with in great detail when I finally get round to writing my book entitled " Why you will never win at bridge, even if you carried on playing for a 1000 years ". The way things are going at the moment, it may have to be published in 20 separate ( 50,000 word ) volumes.

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY..........................

• Trick : ( alternative definition ) something you play on an unsuspecting partner or opponent
• Rags : the current vogue of dress as adopted by male members, who are sadly strapped for cash
• Round : the period of time ( usually 3 mins ) in which argumentative players can square up to each other and fight it out
• Break : ( alternative definition ) what most players look forward to, so as to interupt the painful monotony of getting one bad board after another
• Crack : bridge gossip and scandalous tittle-tattle about members' private lives
• Bye : the last word said to players by their partners, who never want to play with them again
• Butler : someone super rich sponsors bring along to top class tournaments, to clean their shoes and iron their clothes
• Table talk : a discussion as to whether the item of furniture in question is robust enough to take the full weight of a player, who is about to be thrown down onto it by an irate partner or opponent

KIBITZING............................. ( Article by Johnny Supremo )

As many of you well know, anyone who flocks to my table to do a bit of kibitzing is welcome. These spectators, who love to look over my shoulder, come for a variety of reasons. For them it's an enjoyable and rewarding experience, and the kibitzing entourage has now become a permanent feature of my game. The fact that kibitzers range from raw beginners to the highest level of world class players, shows that I provide great entertainment and pearls of wisdom for all.

Cynics have been quoted as describing their primary function " as making sarcastic comments about the playing ability of those involved in the game ". Moreover, they are people " who love to conduct conversations with whoever is the dummy, in order to distract the other players. Such people in my opinion are not kibitzers, but ignorant trouble-makers.

However, in the bizarre world of internet bridge kibitzers run into thousands, all hoping to see magic or mayhem at the table. They either sit back in admiration, or to rock forward in uncontrollabe laughter. Some might attempt to make unsolicited comments, but there are others, like bridge commentators and correspondents, who are looking for hands to write up about for others to apprepriate the abstract beauty of the game. Yet with so much potential to do harm, kibitzers have to adhere to certain rules....especially if they are there in person at the club watching duplicate bridge in action. These include :

- must ask for, and receive, permission to be a spectator before taking their seat

- must not speak to, or with, the players

- must not sit in such a position as to see more than one hand at a time

- must not call attention to irregularities, other than a board being placed incorrectly on the table

- must never comment on any aspect of the "play" unless specifically invited to do so

- must attempt to remain motionless as best they can

- must not display any reactions ( such as facial expressions ) to the bidding or play of a hand

- must not in any way disturb the players

- must seek advice from a TD if aware of an irregularity of fact, or law, on which rulings would have been deemed necessary

In essence, kibitzers should be seen and not heard, although I am more than happy for some of mine to ask questions, which will help them in their understanding of the game, or the reasons behind my choice of bids, and decisions in play. I also believe a kibitzer should have the right to draw attention to an irregularity that went unnoticed at the table, by asking the table if they wish to hear his/her concerns. Because let's face it, a baying crowd has often caused a football referee to consult with a linesman, as to whether or not an infringement occured behing his back.

I see no harm in keen observant kibitzers having rights of comment after the play of a hand, to match their duty of silence during the play of the hand. So long as the comments are complimentary, constructive, educational and/or beneficial in some way, and they are given in response to permission being asked for and received, I am more than happy to have them at my table.

BRIDGE BOOKS FOR AUSSIE MEN ONLY.................. ( As recommended by Pun )

• Failing To Make Contracts Really Hurts..............Winston Payne
• I Had A Great Session With Partner....................Rhoda Rigid
• Using A Splinter With Menace........................... Pierce Hiskin
• I Want To Play Bridge Day And Night.................Ann Moore
• When I Talk To You, Partner..............................Luke Atmey
• Why I'm Known In The Game As "The Man"........Ivor P. Ennis
• When You Go On Walkabout, Partner.................Jerome Farr
• This Game Requires Good Hands.......................Jack Straws
• My Secret To Bridge Success..............................Eve S. Dropper
• I Love Playing In Opulent Surroundings............Shanda Lear