Saturday, 17 April 2010

S.J. SIMON'S BOOK IS TOTALLY FLAWED...... (Says Howard Bigot-Johnson )
Most bridge players have either read, or heard about, S.J.Simon's great book " Why you lose at bridge ". Indeed, it is always revered and respected by all categories of bridge player.....and for many, it has become their bible.
However, poor old Simon completely lost the plot when he placed all on the blame " on you ". ( Hey, when I lose it is never down to me ! ) Did he not realise there are 5 other people, who have a direct say in your destiny at the tables : partner, two opponents, TD and God. Then, there is the rest of the field sitting in the same direction as yourself, who are always handed gifts by lackadaisical opponents left, right and sodding centre.
Anyway, it's about time me.... stepped forward to come clean with the brutal truth. So this is why I have decided to give you a brief insight into Howard Bigot-Johnson's Definitive And Comprehensive List Of Reasons Why You Lose At Bridge.
- Your partner is a complete duffer
- Your partner ( even if he/she is decent ) is never on the your wave length
- Your partner ( even if he/she is an expert ) is forever making clever bids which you, or anyone else, finds impossible to decipher
- Opponents have a jinx on you, never failing to do the right things
- Opponents who are smart enough to read all information trances you and your partner fall into
- Opponents who are cheating dogs
- TDs who have got in for you, being biased and twisted bastards
- Hands that don't suit your system bids
- Hands that have been rigged, which savagely expose the inadequacies of your system
- Fields who have conspired together to screw you up good and proper
- Sudden and unfortunate attacks of amnesia on either you or partner
- Temporary but devastating bouts of insanity on either you or partner
- Alien possession of your mind, hell-bent on having fun at your expense
- Your innate inability to count beyond seven
- God hates you
- The Devil is out to get you
- Lady Luck wants nothing to do with you
- You are tactically inept, and technically woeful
- You are prone to flights of fancy and/or walkabouts
- You have no idea about swinging, which is when 50% scores do no good at all !
- You have the concentration span of a gnat
- You are easily huffed and bluffed, a sucker who falls into every trap that has been set with you in mind
- You are incapable of learning from past mistakes
- Your tendency to " lose it ", when coolness and calmness is called for
- Your blithering timidity, and your yellow-bellied, spineless personality
- Your complete lack of table presence
- ( And finally ) Your complete lack of ability to play the game....even at a basic elementary level
All these points will be dealt with in great detail when I finally get round to writing my book entitled " Why you will never win at bridge, even if you carried on playing for a 1000 years ". The way things are going at the moment, it may have to be published in 20 separate ( 50,000 word ) volumes.

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