BRIDGE BOOKS SO FULL OF GUSTO THEY'LL BLOW YOU AWAY....... ( Says  a windswept Pun )

• Hold On , You Can't Hesitate Like That And Pass................Chester Minnit
• After That Performance We Are As Good As Dead..............Midas Welby
• As Bottoms Go This Was Monstrous One............................Hugh B. Hind
• Partner You Need Something To Get Your Brain In Gear......Sarah Tonin
• I Don't Think He's Here For The Bridge................................Jason Pussey
• The Team I'm In Is Full Of Tosssers !.....................................Dick Hedz
• Pairing Those Two Together Would Be A Disaster...............Laura Lynn Hardy
• Making Lucrative Doubles Is What I Enjoy Most.....................Mortimer Liken 
• This Hand Really Got Me So Excited................................... Mike Oxhard 
• Partner, At Long Last You Are On Top Form .......................Ima Cumming-Goode

AN ABSOLUTELY TRUE ( ON GOD'S HONOUR ) STORY....... ( By Bridgemeister Gibson ) 

The other night I went to my club to enjoy an evening of aggregate scoring bridge.
My partner and I had an evening where we were fighting a constant rearguard action on tram tickets. Nevertheless, with hardly any ammo in our armoury we still managed to ruffle a few feathers , and scupper several of our opponents contracts. 
But then came a board which left us both open mouthed. Both the opponents picked up excellent hands making the bidding swift and easy. 1S-2D-2NT-4NT ( ? ) My LHO took the last bid as blackwood responding 5D. My partner , as he had done most of the night , passed. Then my LHO asked : " Is it possible to have my bid back ? ". A stunned silence ensued. My RHO thought for a few moments and leapt to 6S, which was passed out. 
I waited for my partner to comment on this truly remarkable manoeuvre to communicate the presence of two Aces ( not one ).  Don't you just love the marvel and ingenuity of unauthorised information ?
Needless to say, the contract was rigid with declarer making all thirteen tricks. Finally , I decided to ask my RHO why she directly went to 6S knowing for certain there was a missing Ace ! She turned towards me, and gently smiled : " I had the points ". Well , how could I argue with that ? 
And if anyone asks me why I believe the world of bridge to be bizarre, then the answer can be found in this story. Did she honestly act on her partner's 5D reply , fully prepared to bid 6S on hearing about one Ace , and 7S if she discovered two ? Or did she act dishonestly by using his extremely naive question to ascertain the presence of two Aces ( not one ), which meant that 6S could now be confidently bid ?.  
When they departed my partner and I exchanged looks of sheer bewilderment and awe at the absurdities that can unfold , when this truly great game is played by such weird and wonderful people . 


   

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED.......

( This highly competitive and addictive game has often caused quiet mild mannered people to turn into dangerous psychopaths , as evidenced by the following bridge terms which all relate to those who have turned their thoughts towards revenge, violence and murder . ) 

Bad break : the injury caused to a player's arm or leg bone by an irate partner wielding a hammer
Progressive squeeze : Once an inept partner has been grabbed by the throat , it is the process by which one strangles the life out of him
Shooting : a popular pastime with members with a score to settle
Lead : the type of pellets most players like to have inside their shotgun cartridges , so as minmise the risk of missing their intended targets
Duck : an perfect target for a shotgun owner, especially when found in a sitting position  
Nasty split : what can happen to a player's skull when an irate partner buries a machete into it
Axe : a heavy, more effective alternative to the much lighter machete
Cut : the smallest of injuries one can suffer at the hands of a knife-wielding partner
Clubs : useful objects to carry on your person , ideally suited for knocking some sense into bonehead partners
Spades : handy implements to have around to help dispose of any lifeless bodies
Uppercut : the penetration of skin about the shoulders, neck or head
2 club opener : a quick softening up process before the real beating takes place
Small slam : what one should do to close a door in order to cause a substantial injury to partner,  who is known to be following close behind
Grand slam : the maximum force used to close a door in partner's face ,  as a way of showing just how pissed off you really are with his naff bids and inept play                    

BIGOT-JOHNSON DREAMS UP SEVERAL MORE NEW AWARDS

With members complaining that the annual prize-giving keeps on celebrating the achievements of the same old usual suspects ,  further pressure was put on Bigot-Johnson and his committee to think up a few more awards...............which would then give the riff raff a taste of glory and success.
Some of the awards chosen by the committee to be handed out this year are as follows :
- Magic Dragon Award for the biggest puff in the club
- Hairy Werewolf Award for the player who made the biggest howler
- Over Used Doormat Award for the player who everyone walks over 
- Heavy Duty Snuff Award for the member who loves to get up other people's noses
- Super Long Syringe Award for the member who has become the club's biggest prick 
- Farmyard Chicken Award for the most henpecked man from the list of ill-fated husband   
   and wife partnerships
- The Red Balloon Award for the player renown for being full of hot air  
- The Clear Glass Award for the numpty whose game everyone can see right through 
-  Humpty Dumpty Awards for all those members who constantly crack up and fall to pieces 

  

BIGOT-JOHNSON DESPAIRS WHEN ALL OF HIS STUDENTS FAIL TO MAKE THE GRADE !

Bigot-Johnson's had high hopes of turning some of his younger students into competent bridge players , but these hopes were completely dashed when his class of numpties failed one of his crucial tests.
For weeks Bigot had been preaching about the folly of missing the obvious by looking for the obscure. Missing the sensible bid by looking for a clever one. Missing out on the contract by looking for useless overtricks. Why do players spend an endless amount of time trying to solve a problem when the solution is staring them in right the face ? Why do players substitute magical thinking for reasoned analysis ?
And so to illustrate this point he gave his class the following problem . " I placed 6 eggs in a silver bowl. I asked six people to each take just one of the eggs . So how can it be that one egg still remained in the silver bowl ."
After 30 minutes of desperation and anxiety ,  the answer papers were collected in. Most were blank , while others offered half-baked or utterly implausible solutions. Bigot of course was not amused. Rounding on the students in no uncertain terms ,  he derided them as brainless imbeciles, who should seriously think about giving up the game. However , one young girl keen to know the answer bravely raised her hand. Bigot was quick to respond.
" Yes.....let me guess.....you want me to tell you the answer to the problem. Well....there is only one logical explanation which should have been blatantly obvious.....right from the word go. The last person to take an egg.... took it away in my silver bowl........the thieving bastard ! "  

  

BIGOT-JOHNSON'S INFAMOUS QUOTATIONS ON BRIDGE...........

-  A player who deliberates is lost
- Binning a cold contract is not a blunder , it's a crime
- For any person with a sensitive disposition who is thinking about taking up bridge ,
  I have one word of advice : DON'T
- Bridge stories more often than not are stranger than fiction
- Playing bog standard bridge is the art of achieving the possible : playing top class bridge
  is the art of achieving the impossible
- The secret to winning at bridge : not many people know that
- A dumb player is a person who views both the bidding and the play with an open mouth
- There are 3 kinds of unforgivable bids by opponents : a small system deviation , a major 
  system deviation , and then of course a filthy , low down bastard psych 
- In an ideal world players should be full of integrity , discretion , consideration and 
  warmth.....and if you can fake that then you've got my respect
- A self-proclaimed bridge expert loves a big audience when regaling his success stories 
  to others , but naturally he will never listen to others unless they are keen to talk about
  him
- The real tragedy of a poor player is the poverty of his/her aspirations 
- A top class player is distinguished from the throng of whinging , whining riff raff by his 
  tranquil consciousness of effortless superiority
- Asking me about what I think about partners is like asking a lamppost how it feels about
  dogs
- The first essential skill for a tournament player is to be a good butcher  
- There is no spectacle more agreeable than to observe an in-your-face , smart-arse 
  opponent failing to make a simple contract
   
   
  
  
  

COMMITTEE MATTERS AT THE SLAUGHTER BRIDGE CLUB...... ( a short extract from a taped transcript of a hush-hush, clandestine , behind-closed-doors , unreported meeting )

Secretary (S) : Bigot ....we just can't go on using the club grounds to dispose of ex-members. With so many of their friends and relatives asking lots of awkward questions about their sudden disappearance .....these freshly dug graves are a dead giveaway
B-J : Listen muppet head.....can you think of another effective way of getting rid of undesirable members........ without running the risk of being sued by them ?
S : The sad fact remains that we as a committee have dug ourselves a massive big hole. The club grounds resemble an over crowded cemetery. And the bottom line is this....we've no bloody funds left to make even the crudest of coffins.
B-J : How dare you.....I see these grounds as a permanent retirement park. In fact we should be marketing this bridge establishment as the most popular club in England , where  
people are dying to get in.....And as for these long wooden boxes you call coffins.....they are nothing more than compost containers
S : Is it not the case that we've got more members under the ground than above ?....Can't you see we've reached a dead end... in fact our only real option is to sell up and move to a larger site
B-J : Moving to a larger property would cost us a bomb. Anyway...it's a seller's market....and the competition out there is stiff. For me the final solution is simple.........we need to dig deep and then we can stack'em up
S : I've heard enough....I want nothing more to do with you Bigot.....for us it's the end of line.....you're on your own because I'm soddin' off
B-J : Over my dead body you are..... because like it or not you're in this mess right up to your neck....so you and I need to bury the hatchet.... unless of course you want me to bury the damn thing in your skull

NEWSFLASH :
A GRAVE
SITUATION
DEVELOPS
AS THE
SLAUGHTER
HOUSE BC
GROUNDS
RUN OUT 
SPACE TO
DISPOSE OF
EX-MEMBERS
......

NOT LONG
AFTER
PHILIBERT
HAD BEEN
SENT  
OFF TO 
MEET  
HIS 
MAKER
......
......

" Chairman ......just how many more disciplinary hearings have we booked down for today ?......I'm afraid we've run out of 50p coins for the electric meter ! " 

A VERY NEARLY ALMOST TRUE STORY.......( By Bridgemeister Gibson )

Mr. Pott , known to some for his oh-so-sly peeking of opponents' cards , was at it again on a critical last board of a very closely fought intercity league match. With a small slam in spades a racing certainty given the early bidding in the auction , the match could now be won if a grand slam was bid and made. Everything depended on the trump suit behaving,  and breaking no worse than 4-1.
However it was  Mr. Kettle , his LHO opponent , who was up to the task of helping Mr. Pott in his quest. As the bidding entered the slam zone , he inadvertently exposed his hand ( for a fleeting second ) to reveal a 4 card trump suit headed by the 10. Naturally , the sly old peeker seized his opportunity to quickly glance across,   getting the good news he was desperately seeking. Seconds later the grand slam was confidently bid.
Unbeknown to Mr. Pott , his LHO opponent held all five of the missing trumps , but had cleverly concealed one in amongst his clubs. On winning the opening lead , declarer laid down the AKQJ of trumps claiming.....only to discover his RHO showing out on trick 2 ! Realising that a trump trick now had to be conceded,  he gave his Nemesis  the blackest of looks before exploding into an uncontrollable rage.
Placing his sweaty hands around his LHO's neck, he looked straight into Mr. Kettle's fear-stricken eyes , and screamed out a torrent of unwarranted abuse  : " You sir are as black as the devil.... a real nasty piece of work.....a despicable rotter... in fact any half decent club would take a mean , filthy , low-down cheating dog like you outside..... and shot ! "      

SHBC DISCIPLINARY HEARING No. 5613
( Philibert Pantopod , youngest nephew of Percy , was next up in the firing line having been forced to attend a military court style hearing , as the grand purge continued unabated.....)

B-J ( Chairman ) : Your name ?
PP : Philibert Pantopod
B-J : Your rank ?
PP : County master
B-J : And your soon-to-be expired membership number ?
PP : 4...2...7
B-J  : Well...Philibert....you have been charged on several counts of  " conduct unbecoming of a club member...."
PP : Such as ?
B-J : Many things ...like scratching your scrotum whilst fidgeting about in your chair.....for starters !
PP : Any others ?
B-J : Strumming the table top with your fingers as though you were playing an imaginary piano.....sniffing the seats of chairs vacated by young ladies.........and biting your finger nails when stressed
PP : Am I allowed to refute these outrageous charges ?
B-J : No....they've all been proven to be true
PP : Who by ?  .....And when ?
B-J : By seconded members who were instructed to perform carefully choreographed re-enactments of your crimes.......... when you weren't around of course 
PP : Am I allowed to say anything in my defence ? 
B-J : No
PP : What about in mitigation ?
B-J : No
PP : So I suppose now you're going to vote now on whether or not I'm guilty ?
B-J : No need to do that.....we decided well in advance what punishment we had in mind for you .....long before these charges were ever dreamed up
PP : Does that mean then I'm about to be suspended ?
B-J : Good God man.....are you blind or what ? Can't you see we've all been sitting here wearing little black caps on our heads !
PP : How could I ? ......This meeting has been conducted from start to finish in total darkness
B-J : Listen you muppet head .....we're saving on electricity
PP : Why's that ?
B-J : We need it all for the electric chair which is waiting for you downstairs . That damn thing can use up a week's supply in just one massive 10 second surge
PP : Yes , I see where you're coming from..... that does seem to make good sense
B-J : Well......I guess that's that......so can someone take this reprobate .......this total waste of space....downstairs......to administer his last rites 
PP : Can I make one last phone call ?
B-J : No....we trying to economise on that expense as well
PP : Oh...
B-J : And will you stop asking all these pointless and irrelevant questions.......it's time I buggered off.....the test match coverage is just about to start on Sky TV

" Well chairman .....I hope I wasn't being too presumptuous........but I thought it would save time if we got Philibert to sit in this chair from the off......." 

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY..... ( By Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

When you take up bridge with passion and commitment , you will soon find......

- your family and friends drifting away
- no one wanting to spend any time with you
- what it is like to be isolated and alone
- your interest in politics , art and literature completely disappearing
- sex becoming a meaningless distraction , or a thing of the past
- how becoming an introverted and self-centred individual upsets so many people  
- your one-track mind focusing only on bridge
-  " cold turkey " pains racking your body when deprived of a game  
- nothing else in your life having any relevance or significance at all
- communication with others being restricted to other bridge addicts like you 

There are , of course , other advantages but these are the main ones . 

WHAT IS IT ABOUT BRIDGE PLAYERS ?........ ( Short article by Carp )

The most disturbing , and possibly the most depressing ,  aspect about the run-of-the mill, bog standard bridge players is their amazing ability to miss the obvious. Indeed this phenomenon has been observed by those blessed with expertise  , who have witnessed the less able trying to play the game with utter disbelief.
Ed Morrow : The obscure lines of play they might see eventually. The completely obvious, it seems, will take much longer. 
Etienne Klein : The bids which should be the most familiar to them are often the most mysterious 
Michael Lewis : Sadly , for the ordinary player , everything , in retrospect , is obvious
Arthur Koestler : The more original and successful line of play , the more obvious it seems afterwards
George Bernard Shaw : Will someone please explain to me why no bridge problem is so difficult to answer as that to which the answer is obvious.
Kahlil Gibran : The obvious line of play is one which is never seen until an expert opponent expresses it simply
George Orwell : The first duty of any bridge player is the restatement and implementation of the obvious
Arthur Conan Doyle : It's an ironic fact that for many there is nothing more obscure or deceptive than the obvious 


  

BRIDGE BOOKS TO TICKLE YOUR FANCY......( Says Pun )

• Which Two Members Have Been Suspended This Time ?..............Ewan Mee
• Nothing Goes Unnoticed By Me In This Club ?.............................I. C. Allott
• I Begging You To Please Behave Yourself At The Table.................Noah Will Knott
• How The Hell Could They Ever Consider Suspending Me ?..............I. Askew 
• I Just Can't Get Enough Of This Wonderful Game.........................Craven Moorbridge 
• Mastering Bridge Requires Ability, Stamina And Effort...................Ernest N. Dever
• You Didn't Take That Defeat Very Well Partner !..............................Alice I. Smild
• Wow , Have We Climbed Rapidly Up The Field...............................Honor Cumback
• She Only Partners Men For One Good Reason................................Fonda Dix
• You Must Rectify The Count Before Attempting The Squeeze...........Nadia Gettit

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : MUNCHAUSEN SYNDROME BY PROXY

This particularly nasty syndrome involves a player portraying his partner , someone who is supposedly under his guidance and care ,  as the person with a serious disability or a crippling neurological condition. In either case , the perfectly healthy partner is duly classified by his mentor as some poor unfortunate sod , who is so severely handicapped that he has no real ability whatsoever to bid and play the cards properly....... when in fact the opposite is true.
Therefore, MSBP causes these self-proclaimed caring mentors to deny their illness by simply transferring  " their sickness " onto others , and such is the nature of their disorder they cannot stop themselves telling lies about their partners' appalling symptoms. Typically , their partners will be relative beginners to the game, and as a consequence of their naivity loud , over zealous comments will be made at the table about their sickness induced errors. These alleged symptoms are flagged up to the world at large ,  when their concerned and helpful mentors make statements like
- you must be off your head
- what on earth possessed you to do that ? 
- are you a moron or what ?
- you need serious help
- you're not all there, are you ?
- what medication are you on ?
Indeed many psycho-analysts, like myself , regard the behaviour of MSBP sufferers as abuse. Moreover , those with acute symptoms develop an amazing knack to create or exaggerate their partners' failings in so many different ways. They often tell huge porkies about what really happened during the auction , or  the play of the hand.  They also like to alter the details relating to the location of crucial cards, falsify the score sheets or cards , and to induce uncharacteristic behaviour from their poor beleaguered prey. This can be easily done by incorrect or over-elaborate analysis, deviations from the agreed bidding system , unfair criticism and constant needling. By getting their partners to explode, or blow a gasket,  it then becomes an easy task to convince others in the room that it is their partners who have the serious psychological problems. By cleverly acting out the role of caring mentors , it is inevitable that their partners pick up the reputation of being demented, deranged , confrontational , deluded , and mentally ill. Onlookers can only believe in the evidence they see and hear , being completely unaware of the preceding provocation which  cleverly triggered these emotional outbursts. 
Studies have shown that players with MSBP tend to share the following common characteristics :
1. Married  but with no children
2. A wife who is nothing more than a mother substitute
3. Possessing a dangerously limited knowledge on medical/ neurological matters
4. Desperate to rub shoulders with medical experts and health professionals
5. Always craving for attention and adulation for being a caring, warmhearted , selfless,  patient, and devoted mentor
6. A control freak
7. Supremely gifted at holding court
By getting others to believe that their partners are the victims of a serious mental disorder, then any effort on their part to help them to get through a duplicate session without incident will clearly be viewed by everyone as noble, worthy and utterly commendable sacrifices. It means nothing to them if partners do become psychologically damaged by their experiences of being labelled as " handicapped " :  because now their factitious disorders have become a reality. 
Such is the potential level of abuse ,  MSBP sufferers must be seen as dangerous criminals , whereupon every effort must be made to identify them.....  and to drive them out , before turning one's attention to those who desperately need their shattered egos to be repaired and rebuilt.  
  
   
       

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG...............

Dear Rebecca ,

Over the last fifty years or so I've seen bridge standards slowly but surely going down the pan.
And I can tell you that I am appalled by the sheer scale of their demise .
Male members turn up to the club in clothes that have never seen an ironing board in a month of Sundays. Most of them are completely lacking in dress sense , and in urgent need of some re-education in personal hygiene . Half the field haven't got a bloody clue about the rules of the game , or they just don't give a damn . Then , of course , we all have to endure the constant rudeness , bickering , harassment , and bullying that goes on at the table , not to mention the slow play , coffee-housing , and widespread cheating . 
What on earth has happened to this once treasured and beautiful game , played by ladies and gentlemen who were polite , respectful , refined and intelligent ? Tell me Rebecca what triggered this destructive cancer that is now condemning bridge to an inglorious death ?

Yours  I. Askew 

Dear IA ,
Put it all down to two irrefutable facts. Firstly,  that the only constant thing in life is change. And secondly , as growing populations compete for a bigger share of material wealth on a planet where resources are rapidly drying up, it's inevitable that people succumb to ditching all their moral and ethical values . 
Therefore , now that society has become so amoral , how can you expect the world of bridge to be any different.

Yours putting it all into perspective , Rebecca Rood