THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY...............................

• Partner : a player you once thought was on your side
• Rag : a flimsy bit of cloth you should never waft under the noses of bullish opponents, especially if it's red
• The Blue Club : a rather seedy dive in the red light district of Sheffield, where trick-seeking bridge players often visit late at night
• Sponsor : a rich person who hires top class players as partners, in order to gain a jump on others in scaling up the masterpoint rankings ladder
• x : a symbol which marks the spot on a map, where you recently finished off and buried your last partner
• Field : the ideal place in which to bury the bodies of ex-partners
• 10 to 3 : the exact time you can always guarantee that some bird-brained, late arrivals will turn up to the tournament, which was scheduled to start at 2
• Intro : a musical fanfare that strikes up the moment a celebrity player enters the bridge arena
• Moving seat : a item of furniture which travels through the air at speed, following the conclusion of a rather bitter and acrimonious argument

REBECCA ROOD'S MAIBAG.............................

Dear Rebecca, The majority of members in my local bridge club are well over 60, and I'm probably one of the oldest. My results in recent years have been consistently mediocre, never reaching 50%. Everyone keeps telling me to quit....and I'm fast running out of players who are willing to partner me.

I need your advice as to whether or not I'm over the hill, and should call it a day.

Yours, Wilma Hart-Takett

Dear Wilma,

Everyone needs to know when they have reached their sell-by date, and when of course their time as competent bridge player has passed them by. That moment is not always easy to recognise. Pun, God bless him, has done a couple of articles on this very subject of " You know when you are over the hill ", which are well worth checking out. But hey, I'm also willing to have a crack at it .

So should any of the these observations ring a bell, then you will have your answer for sure.

Yes Wilma, you know you are over the hill when.........

- the only jogging you do concerns your memory of what's on your system card

- " getting lucky " at bridge simply means avoiding a bottom

- doctors are telling you to slow down, but TDs are ordering you to speed up

- having picked up a really exciting hand, your pace-maker switches on the club's TV

- you find yourself asking a novice partner on where you went wrong as declarer

- a young female partner tells you she's got pierced....and you look straight at her ears

- your partner complains about your new crocodile skin shoes, when in fact you sitting there in bare feet

- dreams of getting to the top table involve a cruise liner and a very accommodating captain

- going bra-less to the club at least enables you to pull out all the wrinkles in your face

Yours, hoping these observations might provide you an answer, Rebecca

NEWSFLASH : IN CHICAGO, BIGOT'S BOYS BLOW AWAY ANOTHER TOP USA TEAM ........... ( Report by Pun )

With most of the original players still recovering from their ordeal in Boston hospital, the USA selectors decided to put out a much stronger team this time. Well, something had to be done to repair their international reputation, and restore national pride.

TV networks had arrived from all over America to televise live the whole match, clearly expecting something sensational to happen. How right they were. In the early stages, however, the match was a cagey nip and tuck affair, but yet again it was the visitors who took the initiative, by making that first bold thrust to open up a sizeable gap. And the man responsible for this was none other than Freddie " Flick-knife " Forbes. He was sharp....razor sharp......seemingly a cut or two above the rest. He had all the attributes of a man at the top of his game: a cutting-edge bidding system, clinical precision in both thought and deed, and an ability to scythe down opponents with very pointed and barbed comments.

Even when he made a few stabs at bidding dodgy-looking slams on wafer thin values, he always managed to pull them off. By dominating the bidding , he was hell bent on securing a huge slice of the declarer play. But what shocked the audience most was his supreme skill at severing the communication between his opponents. Ironically, whenever a USA player overbid his hand, he inevitably fell victim to particularly nasty breaks and trump splits.

However, one curious feature of the match was that every time USA players went to visit the toilet, the weak-bladdered Billy " Back-stabber " Bowles often went with them. Then, after returning to their tables, looking both flushed and fearful, these same American players then proceeded to play like rabbits, as though they had simply gone to pieces.

So as the match wore on, the USA team was systematically being torn to shreds. Well before the finish confidence, belief and life itself had slowly, but surely, drained away from each of the players. For the viewing American public it was too much to bear.....a bleeding shame in fact.

The moment victory for The Boys was announced, the odds on them going through the tour undefeated were dramatically slashed. Bigot-Johnson of course was ecstatic, and as he went up to collect the memorial trophy he whispered across to one reporter : " I'll let you into a little secret.....Freddie, you know, is a disciple of the greatest bridge book ever written......the rarely known, but highly rated, How to carve up the opposition by Butch Hering.......it's a killer. "

" GO AHEAD, LAUGH ! " BY JUDE GOODWIN : A BOOK REVIEW BY BRIDGEMEISTER GIBSON

One of the great things about bridge is the comedy element that exists within the overall experience we have all encountered. The larger-than-life characters, humorous banter, the comic mishaps in both the bidding and the play, the crazy situations that take everyone by surprise, the pantomime, and the random absurdities...... all help to make great memories, not to mention superb material for highly entertaining stories for years to come.

Everyone needs to look back at even their bad days at the tables, when nothing seemed to be going right, and still be able to raise a smile about what took place. We all need to laugh at ourselves from time to time, and see the funny side of things. This book more than any other will bring a smile to your face in times of such need. Jude Goodwin's cartoons, which comically depict both characters and situations we are all so familiar with, enables the book to become a mirror of your bridge life. Not only will you recognise yourself, but also all the people you have partnered, and encountered in the past. The illustrations are wonderful, with all the emotions, feelings, and inner thoughts of the characters cleverly revealed with just a subtle stroke and squiggle of the pen. The dialogue is frighteningly real but extremely revealing. The cartoons tell us all about our own failings and shortcomings, alongside those we so often associate with others.

I love this book immensely, because I appreciate what the author has skillfully observed, and I fully understand with what she is trying to say about how truly " bizarre " the world of bridge really is.

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT WILL REALLY IMPROVE YOUR GAME ..... ( As recommended by Pun )

• The Importance Of Getting Off To A Good Start...........Serge A. Hedd
• How To Unsettle Your Opponents...............................Callum Naims
• Goosestepping Your Way To Success.......................Jack Boot
• Catching Up Lost Ground..........................................Peg Hingback
• If Partner Misbehaves, Then Whip Him.......................Tilly Turtz
• How To Dig Out Results............................................Ava Gardner
• Go To Bridge Schools With Top Class Teachers.........Ed Masters
• Reign Supreme In Your Bridge Club...........................Madge Jesty
• Improve Your Bridge With a Little Craft.......................Kat A. Moran
• Avoid Those Bridge Howlers......................................Jack Kells

CAN ZERO TOLERANCE POLICIES REALLY WORK ? ....... ( Article by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

For any zero tolerance policy to work effectively, each club must strive to enforce it to the letter....... at all times without fail. This will avoid any possibility of allegations of favouritism and/or prejudice.

Firstly, the policy must be applied universally, so that every member knows about it, and every transgression is acted upon and dealt with accordingly.

Moreover, every offender must be dealt with in the same firm but fair way, with appropriate sanctions being applied.

Sanctions need to be seen as effective, if the deterrent objective of the policy is to be achieved. This may well mean imposing temporary or even permanent bans on members, guilty of serious or repeated minor offences.

If bridge clubs continue to be the sought after habitats of awkward, cantankerous, anti-social, distinctly unpleasant people, then the time has come to cast them out. No matter who these people are, and what status, rank, and position they hold in the club.......if they ruin the enjoyment of others, then they must face the music ( or the guillotine ) .

NEWS FLASH : BIGOT'S BOYS LIVE UP TO THEIR REPUTATION.......... ( Report by Pun )

Boston was the venue for the first of the scheduled matches arranged for this formidable touring team, against the best players currently topping the USA rankings. The vu-graph spectators, who were fortunate enough to get tickets to attend the big event, were then to witness something they would never forget. The atmosphere in the hall was intense....almost suffocating.......with so many reputations at stake. Unwisely, for the American players, they had decided to stick out their necks by predicting an easy victory.

But it was in the first session, when the The Bigot Boys from England quickly established a real stranglehold on the match ( and their opponents ). This lead was never to be seriously challenged, enabling the visitors to canter home as easy winners. Seemingly much more equipped at getting to grips but some wild and freaky hands, it was Ronnie " Mad Dog " Maddox, who was the star of the show. He was really on fire, going full throttle to bid and make every game and slam. All the members of USA team choked, whenever pressure put on them by the aggressive tactics adopted The Boys.

Time and time again the Americans ran out of breath, as they tried to recover from those early set backs. Now they had to come to terms with the folly of sticking out their necks at the start, with predictions which clearly were the equivalent of waving red rags to savage bulls. Moreover, this result would now dent the national pride quite considerably, but for the defeated players it had been an even more painful experience. Most of them were left limp and lifeless, struggling to say even a word about the terrible ordeal they had just gone through.

And as for Bigot.....well, he was a very happy man.....immensely proud for putting together a team of genuine (w)ringers, who demon-strated their expertise at successfully executing all types of excrutiating squeezes throughout the whole match.

INADVERTENT DESIGNATIONS .............................. ( Article by Carp )

Some rules in bridge cause more grief than game really needs. In fact, some rules are both absurd and illogical. And one rule in point relates to a situation where declarer calls for a card from dummy, only to change his/her mind immediately after. The correction of an inadvertently named or designated card is covered by the following rule : " a player may, without penalty, change an inadvertent designation if he/she does so without pause for thought ". A remarkably forgiving rule in my opinion.

But how easy is this rule to implement one may ask ? The card initially called for ( and possibly played ) might be the one declarer intended to play at that " moment in time ", only to be followed by an immediate realisation that a severe mental aberration has taken place...........clearly indicating that the card called for was an act of insanity, based on a moment of madness.

A glance at the dictionary tells us that inadvertent means " not intended " ......" accidental ", and accident embraces the notion of " mishap ". In the realms of bridge play, an unintentional call suggests a sudden split-second malfunction of the thought process, an inexplicable mind switch off, which appears to be accidental.....perhaps triggered by an distracting event beyond declarer's control.

And as for the meaning of the phrase " without pause " well this really is open for debate. If one was to refer to the Thesaurus, several definitions quickly come to view : " instantaneously, at lightning speed, in the same breath, in a trice, quick as a flash, instinctively, before one can say Jack flash, in a twinkling, within a second, immediately after, straightaway, straight after, almost simultaneously ". So yes, even within these terms differences and distinctions exist. So which one does define without pause correctly ?

So interpreting this rule requires careful scrutiny and interpretation of its words, in order to obtain a clear definition of its true meaning and appropriate application. It is not there to protect declarers who have lost the plot, focus or concentration as a result of going walkabout, mental laziness, falling asleep. Or declarers, who are victims of their own impatience and impetuosity, where they so often get completely ahead of themselves. It is there to protect declarers who become the victims of mishaps, beyond their control, that unfortunately can cause such mental aberrations.

So let's look at a typical scenario where declarer plays his queen towards his AJ10 holding in dummy, expecting on the bidding for his RHO to have the king. Already in his mind, he intends to call for the 10 to be played. However, just as his LHO produces the king, declarer is already blurting out a call " play the 10 "....only for him to stop in his tracks.....and splutter out a reflex response " Oh no.....play the Ace ! " Well, applying the rule here is a simple task. Was the call inadvertent given his initial view as to the location of the king ? Had the change in instruction been made in the same breath ? Surely, there has to be two strong presumptions in resolving these situations. Firstly, that the card called for was the one intended, and secondly, that if the instruction was completed then it must stand. Incorrect analysis and impetuosity are factors within declarer's control, and nothing should be done to allow him to escape from the consequences of his mistakes.

Declarers will of course come up with all sorts of excuses to explain their aberrations, hoping for some reprieve from either the opponents or the TD:

- " I thought I had called for the Ace......? "

- " I meant to call for the Ace.....but noise from elsewhere distracted me "

- " I'm on medication...that cause weird neurological side-effects "

- " I was a trick ahead of myself.....I wanted to play the 10 after the Ace "

- " I had a senior moment ...."

- " When the King came down, it took me by complete surprise....I got so flustered I called for the wrong card "

I would dismiss them all. In most cases declarers have just simply had a lapse in concentration, failing to spot what card the opponent has been played, or failing to realise that an immediate change of plan was called for. Reckless impetuosity and autopilot responses are not examples of inadvertent thinking.

So finally,I want to review the hand that Judy Kay-Wolff wrote about in her excellent May 19th article, where declarer had an easy 6C slam to wrap up by simply continuing to pull trumps at trick 4. But in the story declarer called for another suit to be played ( spades instead of clubs ) allowing the defence to seize the trick with the King, and secure a club ruff in hearts at trick 5. How declarer managed to get a reprieve on this board to set the score back to 6C making truly makes the world of bridge incredibly bizarre.....not to mention unjust. Firstly, declarer had not been distracted by anything outside or beyond his/her control. The call for a low spade had been fully given, and implemented. This was nothing more than a complete lapse of concentration. The realisation afterwards that ( a) East had won the trick , and (b) the plan to extract the remaining trumps in clubs had somehow gone astray ......came a split second later, when " oh shit " vocalised the next thought that came to mind. The implied message that this carried ( please let me change my mind and play a club instead ) was not made in the same breath......since there was clear evidence of a momentary pause. No wonder debate raged on about the ludicrous ruling that was given by the appeal panel. No wonder Judy has brought this whole issue back into the bloggers' debating forum.

Bridge should take a lesson from the rules of chess: should you just merely touch a piece, you are obliged to play it. Therefore if the spirit of this rule is applied to bridge, then whatever card you called for....or was clearly on the verge of calling for..... this is card which must now be played. It is therefore imperative for all declarers to watch and wait to see what cards the opposition have played FIRST, before deciding on what cards they want to play after. How simple is that.

QUOTES OF THE YEAR................ ( As reported by Pun )

" What issue is it ,which you are desperate for the committee to address ? "

" I would very much like it if there could be a standing arrangement for me to have a sitting seat. Indeed, it's my understanding that one has to take a stand to sit, and because I'm an upstanding member of this club, I don't want anyone with a seat on the committe standing against me over this sitting matter. "

..........................

" If over-bidding is your main problem, what do you intend to do about it ?"

" I need to stop for a start.....or to put it another way.....I need for a start to stop ?

.........................

On board 22 everyone wanted to pass the buck by passing. So when the player in the pass out seat passed out ( as he fumbled for a pass card ), no one knew what to do. Minutes passed by before the problem was passed onto a TD, who ruled the board could not be scored as a " passed out " hand. His reasoning was that " the ending of the auction had never to come to pass, because the player in the pass out seat passed out before getting round to putting his pass card on the table. " However, when the player who passed out before passing recovered, he quitely remarked " will someone run pass me what the hell has been going on ? "

LAW REPORT : R v. BIGOT-JOHNSON (2010)

( In the trial of the century, Bigot-Johnson was up before an Old Bailey judge, but this time on a charge of high treason. An excerpt from the trial's transcript appears below. )

Judge : Bigot you stand accused of high treason....

B-J : What.....!!!

Judge : Yes...high treason as a result of your heinous and horrendous crimes against The Queen.

B-J : You're off your head......

Judge : Off with yours.... might be a more appropriate observation.

B-J : Good grief.....

Judge : Prosecutor, please outline the specific charges....

Prosecutor : Indeed, I will your honour....with pleasure......So Bigot was it not the case.... that when your partner held Qxx in a suit, you led the jack from Jx doubleton ? This enabled declarer to take the trick in dummy with the king, only to finesse your partner's queen on the way back through his Ace-10. In other words you completely murdered The Queen, and in doing so lost a valuable trick in defence.

B-J : Yes....that was a mistake.....but I was having a bad day...

Judge : Not as bad as this day is going to be.....

Pros : And did you not, Bigot, when partner was holding Qx, go up with the Ace at the first time of asking...the moment declarer led low towards dummy's KJxx ? Not surprisingly, your partner's queen fell to her death when declarer rose with the king on the second round of the suit. So once more, by putting The Queen to the sword, you cost your side .....yet again....... another valuable trick in defence.

B-J : Ooops.....sorry....

Pros : Then soon after, did you not throw the queen from your holding of Qxx under declarer's play of AK in that suit ? With partner sitting there with his Jx, you enabled declarer to make 5 tricks in that suit, when only 4 were possible.

B-J : But I was attempting to create a much needed entry to partner's hand.

Pros : Enough of these pitiful excuses.....the simple fact remains that you butchered The Queen .....unnecessarily. And to cap that.....on the very next hand .....did you not ruff a trick with the 9, from your J9 holding, only to see declarer over-ruff with the 10. Then, when he played out the AK of trumps, down came your jack, and partner's queen doubleton. If you had sensibly ruffed with the jack you would have set up a trump promotion, establishing partner's queen as a winner. As it was, you put The Queen to the sword once more !

Judge : I have heard enough of these appalling acts against our monarch......that man is as guilty as hell. Crimes against The Queen cannot and will not be tolerated in this civilised society as ours....

Jury ( in unison ) : Beat him up.....

Judge : Too lenient....

Jury : Send him down...

Judge : Still too lenient....

Jury : Punish him with " life "....

Judge : Good idea....

Jury : No...punish him with " death "

Judge : Now....you're talking.....

B-J : Can I make a suggestion.....

Judge and Jury : No !!.....

B-J : ....Bugger....

WALNUT TREE ALLOTMENT BRIDGE CLUB'S MOST CELEBRATED MEMBERS : ROLL OF HONOUR

• Dick Johnson
• Percy Pecker
• John Thomas
• Rod Horn
• Big Willie Winkie

" Never have so few given so much pleasure to so many. "

BIGOT-JOHNSON AIMS TO FORM AN INVINCIBLE TEAM .........TO MATCH THE ACHIEVEMENTS OF THE WORLD FAMOUS ACES

Yes, Bigot-Johnson has big plans. As non-playing captain he has assembled a team of card sharps renown for scaring the living daylights out of all those they encounter, just through their reputation alone.

Already the team has triumphed at major events all over the UK, and now they are ready to take on the world's best.

These players, all former long-stay residents in her majesty's top-rated establishments, have shown themselves to possess many special talents, such as :

- possessing excellent memories

- getting their own back on opponents

- wielding " the axe " in very effective ways

- using intimidating bids/tactics

- silencing their opponents....often permanently

- winning arguments with TD's, without exception

- ruthless exploitation of opponents' weaknesses

- practising deception on a grand scale

- knowing exactly what to do with " stiffs "

- seeing out the successful completion of " contracts "

Indeed, this team has taken the UK bridge world by storm. These are players who are extremely difficult to confront.....but players who are always happy to leave you with their calling cards.

So let's now introduce to the team : Freddie Flick-knife Forbes, Jimmy The Viper Slitheroe, Ivor Machete Johnson, Larry Black Spot Pew, Danny Slow Death Waters, Billy Back Stabber Bowles, Sammy The Shafter Smith, Ronny Mad Dog Maddox, and Johnny Mean Eye Biggs.

So if there's any team out there who believe they are good enough to take on Bigot's Boys , then it might be wise as a precautionary measure to first check out and renew their life-insurance policies. before sending out any invitations.

BIGOT-JOHNSON'S QUICK AND EASY 7 STEP GUIDE TO BECOMING A GRANDMASTER ( despite being completely useless at bridge )

1. Become a sharp dressed gigolo
2. Pay $ 100 to buy a false title, and change your name to Sebastian
3. Party with the rich
4. Pick out the dullest but richest looking wall-flower
5. Enter into marriage
6. File for divorce
7. Spend all the settlement money on sponsoring top class players to partner you in high profile events, until sufficient masterpoints have been accumulated

Now how easy is that............

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : SELECTIVA HYPEROPIA HYPOCRITIS

The other day I reviewed a disorder known as haranguerosis, but out there in the bizarre world of bridge lurks another more extreme variant of this condition. This goes by the name selectiva hyperopia hypocritis. The key point about victims with haranguerosis is that they correctly spot their partners' glaring mistakes, waiting till later to berate them when others are gathered. They may be aware of their own mistakes, quieting choosing to ignore them.

However with the SHH disorder, there are one or two symptoms where the differences are quite profound, even though they are not obvious to all. Firstly, victims absolutely have no sense or recognition their own failings and shortcomings. It is a form of selective blindness that becomes a permanent feature of their game. Instead, they possess an amazing ability to develop a razor-sharp awareness to spot every mistake committed by any of 3 other players at the table....especially partners.

This uncanny knack, of perceiving every single aberration committed across the table ( but never on their side ) has caused clinical psychologists such as myself to become both baffled and bemused by this phenomenon. But the most alarming symptom is the devious and vindictive twisting of the analysis, so as to always place the blame unfairly on partner. The greater the selective blindness becomes, the greater the ability to spot mistakes in others, or to transfer their mistakes onto others. The analysis may well be flawed, but the reasoning is both clever and convincing, incredibly devious and hard to refute. Another difference is that criticism is far more vitriolic, being immediately dished out as soon as the bad score is made known.

Bible clinics have been muted as a cure for SHH, whereby sufferers are told ( under hypnosis ) to repeat over and over again " let he who is without sin cast the first stone ".......after each and every hand.

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : HARANGUEROSIS

This is a very common disorder characterised by a victim's pathological or exaggerated compulsion to loudly criticise and castigate his/her partner, irrespective of who is really at fault. This particular affliction belongs to a whole group of disorders, where victims completely lose their self-control . This results in low level aggressive behaviour, where all the pent up anger and frustration manifests itself through volleys of accusations, insults, dressing downs, threats and stern reprimands. Players who succumb to haranguerosis possess a flawed and blinkered analysis, which compels them to focus all the blame for bad results on their partners. However, the timing of their outbursts often occurs much later, when large audiences are gathered in the bar area. This ensures that the dressing down becomes a public dressing down. This condition of course is not easy to treat, but back-alley physical work-overs have proved very successful.