LAW REPORT : HOWARD BIGOT-JOHNSON v. SMITH ( AND OTHERS) 2009 This private action was brought before the Crown Court, where Bigot-Johnson elected to conduct his own prosecution. He was alleging that he was the victim of several malicious and poison-pen e-mails which amounted to psychological assault. Futhermore, the alleged motives behind these outrageous e-mails were revenge and retribution for articles which had clearly shattered their fragile but highly inflated egos.

• B-J: " First of all your honour I want you and the jury to know that I have been the innocent victim of a series of unwarranted verbal attacks with regards to my good nature, and my reputation as a fair, harmless and unbiassed blogger. ( Gasps from the gallery. ) It is my intention to prove to this court that those you now see cowering in the dock are nothing more than a bunch of pernicious and vindictive thugs. ( Even bigger gasps from the gallery.)
• Judge: "Excuse me......can you tone down the language a little.......and try to keep things in perspective."
• B-J: " Oh......so you're on their side too? How wide is this conspiracy against me that the judiciary has chosen to ally itself with these reprobates?" ( A stunned silence falls on the courtroom.)
• Judge: " How dare you accuse me of bias and collusion. Aren't you getting a little bit paranoid? "
• B-J: " What me!! I know that out there in the internet world hundreds of highly sensitive, over-sensitive, prickly bridge players..... who shouldn't choose to read my blog but clearly do........ then have the bare-faced cheek to feel offended and aggrieved with what they read.....well, all this beggars belief. Can't you see that you stupid old twit." ( Several thuds are heard as spectators in the gallery collapse with shock.)
• Judge: " That is enough.....so please tell the court what the accused have actually written in their e-mails."
• B-J: "Well, one of them said I really was a "bigot", and the same one also threatened to "expose me" .......... whatever that means."
• Judge: "Yes....."
• B-J: " Oh.....and then in another e-mail, the author railed on me for using the word "nig-nog" in one of my articles. His language became very aggressive, threatening to haul me infront of a court for inciting racial hatred." ( Shrieks of outrage from the gallery.)
• Judge: " Such a term is, in my view, very inappropriate and without doubt... politically incorrect."
• B-J: "Well, some clueless players play like .........but getting back to the issue at hand...... I just want to establish what venomous, vindictive bile spews from the putrid and festering mouths of those sitting in the dock."
• Judge: " You're not so bad yourself in that department! ( Giggles echo around the courtroom.) Anything else you want to say? "
• B-J: " Yes...Yes....there is. Two of them have accused me of inciting people to write scatching letters of complaint against people who offend them.......which they did.....when they chose me as their target. "
• Judge: "Then, you only have yourself to blame. You're a foul-mouthed hypocrite and a monstrous bigot to boot. This trial is now at an end. There is no case at all for the accused to answer. They are free to go. And you Bigot-Johnson will have to pick up the full cost of this trial."
• B-J: " Bugger......"