OTHER BRIDGE BOOKS THAT NEVER MADE IT..................( By Pun )

• " Partner's Gone Walkabout" ..................................Marcus Absent
• Bridge Is Exciting.....................................................Libby Doe
• Become A Grandmaster.........................................Hugh Canduit
• Cheeky Bids And Overcalls.....................................Mel Arky
• Bridge Made Simple..................................................L. M. Entery
• Helping Partner Out...................................................Linda Hand
• " I Claim The Rest "....................................................Ida Clair
• Bridge Is War............................................................Hollie Cost
• Killing Defence..........................................................Ivor McShetty
• Bridge For Beginners................................................Anna Prentice

WHAT TYPE OF PERSON IS A TOURNAMENT PLAYER?............................(Article by Carp) Bridge clubs by and large are divided into four fraternities: tournament players, regular duplicate players, social and occasional players. It is a natural instinct for players of similar ability and aspirations to gravitate towards each other. In the case of tournament players it is an absolute necessity. So what characteristics do they possess? Their main goal in bridge is to obtain exclusive participation into the big national competition. Not surprising, this relatively small (predominantly male) elistist group of players display an intense enthusiasm and identification with high profile bridge, often developing a tendency to allow their involvement to take over their lives. Their fixation about results takes complete precedence over developing friendly interpersonal relationships. Social bridge to them is a complete no-no. They yearn to test their bridge skills to the fullest extent, and to see how far their mastery of the game is reflected in their promotions up the EBU rankings ladder. Greens and golds of course are their favourite colours. Their constant striving for perfection usually coincides with their relentless quest for glory and peer group recognition. All too often, tournament players bemoan the fact that there are too few skilled players within their clubs, often complaining and whinging on about social players' unethical play, too much talking, and lack of focussed attention on the game. As a consequence they tend to become irregular duplicate players, since club nights have to be sacrificed if big stage events are imminent on their bridge calendar. Bridge for these truly hard-core players is a serious business, and despite any bad results they may encounter their fierce determination to persevere at the game never waivers. No one can doubt their commitment to succeed. Free time way from the bridge table is spent privately reading bridge books and studying problem-hands. They love to talk bridge with their peers. They work hard to establish effective partnerships with those they trust the most to take their joint understanding onto even higher levels. Their attachment to the game is so strong that references to themselves like "bridge fanatics", "bridge nuts" and "bridge geeks" seem remarkably apt. Certainly, one characteristic that stands out is the strong esprit de corps which exists among them, as they derive immense pleasure from telling and listening to bridge-related stories. They often greet each other with the words " you hold....". Sadly however, some tournament players , by developing a superior knowledge of the laws and ethics of the game, are often seen yelling for the TD. The objective here is to obtain a ruling that ensures that transgressions by the opponents do not damage them in any way whatsoever. Every imp or matchpoint counts! They are driven to ensure that proper protocol and standards of play are never compromised. They are quick to criticise any TD who does not measure up in their eyes as being on top of his/her job. And it is because they set such demanding standards upon themselves and others, partnerships are rarely born out of friendship........just mutual respect. However, the fragile nature of this respect means it can be easily destroyed (and with it the partnership) when mistakes are deemed as "unforgiveable". Tournament players can on occasions be a fickle lot..........

LAW REPORT : HOWARD BIGOT-JOHNSON v. SMITH ( AND OTHERS) 2009 This private action was brought before the Crown Court, where Bigot-Johnson elected to conduct his own prosecution. He was alleging that he was the victim of several malicious and poison-pen e-mails which amounted to psychological assault. Futhermore, the alleged motives behind these outrageous e-mails were revenge and retribution for articles which had clearly shattered their fragile but highly inflated egos.

• B-J: " First of all your honour I want you and the jury to know that I have been the innocent victim of a series of unwarranted verbal attacks with regards to my good nature, and my reputation as a fair, harmless and unbiassed blogger. ( Gasps from the gallery. ) It is my intention to prove to this court that those you now see cowering in the dock are nothing more than a bunch of pernicious and vindictive thugs. ( Even bigger gasps from the gallery.)
• Judge: "Excuse me......can you tone down the language a little.......and try to keep things in perspective."
• B-J: " Oh......so you're on their side too? How wide is this conspiracy against me that the judiciary has chosen to ally itself with these reprobates?" ( A stunned silence falls on the courtroom.)
• Judge: " How dare you accuse me of bias and collusion. Aren't you getting a little bit paranoid? "
• B-J: " What me!! I know that out there in the internet world hundreds of highly sensitive, over-sensitive, prickly bridge players..... who shouldn't choose to read my blog but clearly do........ then have the bare-faced cheek to feel offended and aggrieved with what they read.....well, all this beggars belief. Can't you see that you stupid old twit." ( Several thuds are heard as spectators in the gallery collapse with shock.)
• Judge: " That is enough.....so please tell the court what the accused have actually written in their e-mails."
• B-J: "Well, one of them said I really was a "bigot", and the same one also threatened to "expose me" .......... whatever that means."
• Judge: "Yes....."
• B-J: " Oh.....and then in another e-mail, the author railed on me for using the word "nig-nog" in one of my articles. His language became very aggressive, threatening to haul me infront of a court for inciting racial hatred." ( Shrieks of outrage from the gallery.)
• Judge: " Such a term is, in my view, very inappropriate and without doubt... politically incorrect."
• B-J: "Well, some clueless players play like .........but getting back to the issue at hand...... I just want to establish what venomous, vindictive bile spews from the putrid and festering mouths of those sitting in the dock."
• Judge: " You're not so bad yourself in that department! ( Giggles echo around the courtroom.) Anything else you want to say? "
• B-J: " Yes...Yes....there is. Two of them have accused me of inciting people to write scatching letters of complaint against people who offend them.......which they did.....when they chose me as their target. "
• Judge: "Then, you only have yourself to blame. You're a foul-mouthed hypocrite and a monstrous bigot to boot. This trial is now at an end. There is no case at all for the accused to answer. They are free to go. And you Bigot-Johnson will have to pick up the full cost of this trial."
• B-J: " Bugger......"

TYPES OF BRIDGE PLAYERS WHO REALLY GET ON MY WICK....... By Ray Candle (aka Pun) 1. Hoggers 2. Slowcoaches 3. Braggers 4. Blaggers 5. Nit-pickers 6. Bullies 7. Fantasists 8. Bigots (excluding Howard of course) 9. Curmudgeons 10. Elitists......... Now, I don't need to shed light or wax lyrical as to the reasons why such players get on my wick..... for suffice it to say we've all come across these diagreeable types on our bridge travels. But for me the simple truth is this: their annoying antics completely blow me out.......

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES: VERBOSA NALL DYRITIS: This rather disturbing psychological disorder tends to affect many bridge players who, despite their limited ability, seemingly succumb to overwhelming delusions of grandeur. All too often they portray themselves as "experts" of the game, looking for poor unsuspecting but willing listeners to off-load non-stop explanations on how hands should have been bid and played. Victms of this disorder are easily recognised by their booming lecturing voices, and by their inability to pick up on all the social cues telling them to shut up. Inevitably, most of their analysis is flawed. Indeed, the verbosa label was first coined by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber, when he overheard a comment about an acute sufferer as someone who " talks through his arse". Most victims display the symptoms of pre-programmed automatons, endlessly spewing out the same bridge rhetoric to each group of listners. Tragically, they fail to see that these listeners do not choose to absorb, or acknowledge as useful, anything they say. All known treatments and therapies have been tried but to no avail. The process of self-delusion is irreversible. However, some enterprising bridge clubs have been prepared to invest in stocks of ear-muffs, made available to any members who wish to escape from... and avoid..... verbosa nall dyritis sufferers.

TWELVE GOOD REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD TAKE UP BRIDGE (Article by Carp)

• it's a great game
• its abstract beauty is forever present
• it offers the ultimate mental challenge
• learning never stops
• even if you're sixty you still belong belong to the younger set within your club
• luck often helps you in your hour of need
• experts can be beaten
• you don't need to be dealt high cards to get winning scores
• unlike the institution of marriage changing partners is easy
• it helps you live longer with your mind intact
• if you love to hate people the world of bridge is your oyster
• there's no cheaper way of getting an adrenolin fix

(Footnote: Research has shown that playing bridge has positive health effects. It can help delay Alzheimer's and by developing logical thought processes far more sensible life-style decisions are likely to be made.)

DEVIL'S DICTIONARY

• Bridge expert - a player who is so knowledgeable about the game that he can criticise his partner's bidding and play without exposing his own vast ignorance.
• Chairs - weak players, who by virtue of their total lack of skill are simply nobodies occupying the opponents' chairs, not worthy of naming or acknowledging. (The term was originally coined when a bridge expert unkindly referred to his opponents as "two chairs".)
• Binsky contract - this is a contract just one level higher than game, where only "chairs" would ever elect to play. (The term owed its origins to Binsky, a Canadian bridge player, who had a reputation for winding up in contracts of either 5 hearts or 5 spades.........and as expected never made more than 10 tricks.)

WHAT IS IT WITH MY PARTNERS?.............WHY DO THEY ALL SEEM TO TAKE UMBRAGE OVER THE SLIGHTEST THING SAID? This is me Howard Bigot-Johnson writing here....and I'm fed up with partners taking umbrage whenever I spell out a few home truths. Umbrage......such a powerfully evocative word. But not surprisingly in the prickly world of bridge it is extremely commonplace. Players left, right and centre take umbrage whenever their failings or mistakes are pointed out to them. Definitions of the word embrace the notion of "taking offence" and "feeling resentful" to things said or done. Reflecting feelings of anger, it is an emotion that is all dressed up.......but with nowhere to go. The greater the anger, the weightier the umbrage becomes, like massive concrete shoes dragging victims down to a watery grave. When my partners take umbrage over my astute observations of their inferior bidding and play, they immediately expect action to be taken or apologies offered if there's to be any chance of freeing themselves from the bindings of anger. Why do they take umbrage over statements of fact and my on-the-spot appraisals? It cannot be right for them to take umbrage, to become resentful, bitter and grudge bearing, when all I'm trying to do is to be honest. Indeed, the tragedy of taking umbrage is that they lose control. Paranoia and persecution complexes lock in. Their perceived injuries to their egos and reputations become unrealistically exaggerated and severe. Well meaning comments become misconstrued as tactless insults, unwarranted criticism, stern advice and or joking sarcasm. So how these people, who must regard it as a privilege and honour to partner me, have the nerve and audacity to tell me I'm out of order when I make a few pertinent observations........ I just cannot get my head around it. Is there a conspiracy afoot? How dare they ! If they want to make an enemy out of me that's fine. Just bring it on. Someone please explain to me why everybody but me takes umbrage. Why aren't people more like me.......?

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES One of the most appalling afflictions, a sad minority of bridge players can fall victim to, is a disorder, which I have labelled TANTRUMUS HISTRIONICA. This particular personality disorder was first diagnosed in the late 70's when John McEnroe was referred to an associate of mine, following his infamous "you can't be serious" spat with the umpire. Sadly, this affliction has spread into all sporting arenas .........including the world of bridge. Indeed, most clubs have within their membership a few players, who for whatever reasons feel compelled to play the game on the edge, treating each successive hand as being more important than the last. An extreme manifestation of this disorder occurs when two acute sufferers meet on opposite sides of the table, whereupon the outcome of this ill-fated encounter becomes a matter of life and death. Any mistakes by their respective partners, or any transgressions by their opponents, result in over-the-top outbursts which even go beyond the boundaries of outrageous theatrical flamboyance. These utterly gross over-reactions can sometimes involve threatening and aggressive gestures to complement ear-splitting shrieks of abuse.........all of which externalise their inner despair, frustration and anger. The condition can become so severe that radical electro-convulsive therapy is now back in vogue as the only treatment likely to subdue their highly volatile emotional states.

Hello again blog readers......this is Howard Bigot-Johnson speaking out to all those people who are new to the game and unfamiliar with bridge terms, jargon and slang. Bridge like any other activity has its own unique vocabulary. Indeed, many bridge books provide a glossary of terms at the back to assist newcomers to the game to understand the language players frequently use. Well, I have a mate.....Old Nick himself.....who has volunteered to compile alternative but much more realistic definitions to bridge-related jargon.......in his very own version of the DEVIL'S DICTIONARY. So let's kick off with a couple of examples to see what I mean:

• Flat hand - something you need to look out for when partner begins to lose his/her patience with you
• Duck - a necessary manouevre to avoid partner's flat hand

DR. JOHN ( PIONEERING PSYCHO-THERAPIST ) AT YOUR SERVICE Let me first introduce myself.........for I am the world's leading authority on psychological, personality and behavioural disorders. Although most of my work involves writing up research papers I still practice at the surgery. However, for many years now I have targeted bridge players for both my research and as clientele. Never in the world of competitive arenas have I come across a more "afflicted" group of individuals as the bridge players. Indeed their conditions, afflictions and disorders are both unique and notorious. This severely persecuted group of card playing addicts seem oblivious to their plight, and although these victims and sufferers can display acute symptoms, far too many remain firmly in denial. And of the few that do come knocking on my door, quick-fix permanent cures seem in short supply. The purpose of this blog site is to make all players (and those thinking about taking the game) wake up to the reality of how bridge can affect them in both a perverse and adverse way. So as a starter, I would like to talk about a widespread affliction called CONVENTIONITIS: this is a very common compulsive obsessive disorder which causes sufferers to seek out and use more and more conventions and gadgets in their bidding and play. The progressive nature of this illness can result in system cards expanding into 12 page booklets of such breath-taking complexity, newcomers to the game are left speechless. Many of those associated with this disorder suffer from the delusion that the number of conventions and gadgets on their system card somehow correlates favourably with their ability to bid and play the cards. They perceive themselves as bridge experts, and should a newly adopted convention deliver a rare and occasional triumph at the table, the evidence is now there for them to justify its use. Any memories of earlier disasters following its use are banished forever. Moreover, every time a success is recorded, sufferers are only encouraged to seek out and adopt new conventions that are being regularly published by those who represent extreme cases with this particular disorder. Clients, I have tried to help, initially respond to therapy, but once back into the cut and thrust world of competitive bridge their innate lack of will power simply allows the disorder to resurface again.

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT NEVER MADE IT AS BIG SELLERS ( By Pun) Title......................................................................................Author

• Big Hands..................................................................... Norma Stitz
• Coming Up Trumps.......................................................Otis McCurry
• Deceptive Bidding..........................................................Eliza Little
• Psychic Bidding............................................................ Ely Zalotte
• "I've A Void Partner".......................................................Phil McCaverty
• Toilet Bridge.................................................................. Sue Edge
• Play Bridge The Smart Way ..........................................Y. Zupp
• Bridge Hands From Hell..................................................Evan Elpus
• Bridge For Beginners......................................................Patsy Green
• Progressive Bridge......................................................... Ernest N. Dever
• "Don't Insult Me Partner"................................................. Sue Foreshaw
• Stealing Tops Off Beginners............................................Robin B'stard

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG ........................................................................................

Dear Rebecca, As the one and only bridge Agony Aunt who I can trust to give me a straight and honest answer, I would welcome your views over this particular matter. The other evening at the club, I was told out of the blue that I was "a very rude person". So, as there was no obvious contextual backdrop to provide me with a satisfactory definition of the word, I now ask for your opinion. Was it criticism or not? I get confused when my dictionary defines the word as both "ignorant" and "robust/healthy".

Please use your superior education and wide contacts to help me come to terms with the above comment, gratuitous and shocking as it was.

Yours politely..............................Bolshy Brian

Dear Brian,

There should be no doubt about the meaning of the word "rude" given the context of a bridge club, and the type of behaviour one expects to experience there.

So be honest with yourself and accept the choice of word as being a sharp but well meant criticism, which could encompass one or more of the follwing possible meaings, as flagged up in Roget's Thesaurus: coarse, gross, boorish, tactless, unrefined, vulgar, uncouth, "bolshy", ungentle, impolite, ill-mannered, uncivil, un-gentlemanlike, horrid, unseemly, shocking, ungracious, unaccommodating, un-complaisant, gruff, churlish, bearish, crusty (crackng word that), snappish, peevish, grumpy, petulant, cantankerous, intractable, scowling, moody, loutish, ignorant.

Surely, one of the above might accurately reflect your chosen bridge demeanour? But might I suggest that you ask the person concerned to expand upon his statement..... to tell you exactly what he intended his version of "rude" to mean. He could either identify the closest synonym from the above list, or perhaps include one of his own.

As for my own pseudonym "Rood", I set out from the off to distance myself from all the above meanings, making sure that the name would only be associated with the following connotations, namely: blunt, never one to mince words, plain-speaking, unreserved, candid, veracious, straight-forward, uncompromising, unflattering, free-spoken, someone who calls a spade a spade.

Yours knowing how to be "Rood" ......but still respected and revered.........Rebecca