BIGOT-JOHNSON TURNS HIS HAND TO POETRY.........

....

Who Would Be A Blogger ?

....

God, I flabbergasted

Two years blogging

And still only a few

Bother to read my stuff

Yet....

Arn't my views

As interesting

And revealing

As the next man's

So what the hell is it

With bridge players ?

Too frightened

To emege from pits

Of self denial ?

To face the truth

About themselves

And the crazy

Bizarre world

They've created

So yes

I can live

With the fact

I have few followers

I get no comments

Being all alone

In cyberspace

Nevertheless

This nobody

Is still determined

To plough on

Regardless

Striving

To expose THE TRUTH

About this world of bridge

One that has always been

And always will be

Stranger than fiction

ANOTHER POETIC MASTERPIECE ..... ( By Dr.Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

.....

Pain

....

Have you ever experienced pain

Pain that hurts

Really hurts

Pain that makes you want to scream

Out loud

Several times

Pain that rips you apart

Head splitting

Heart piercing

Because let me tell you

I had that experience

The other day

At the Corwen Pairs

When all I needed

To come in first

Was for my partner

To stay focussed

And to hold his nerve

But no

He decided to go walkabout

Butchering contracts

And in the process

Carved me up

Into tiny little pieces

LAW REPORT : BIGOT-JOHNSON v. WALNUT TREE ALLOTMENT BC ( 2011 )

( In this civil law case, Bigot sued for breach of an implied term, one which required the club to send him a membership renewal form before the start of the next calendar year. Claiming that the club never sent him this document , Bigot was unable to renew his membership in time . This resulted in the committee taking the view that he had resigned from the club by his own act of omission. Forced then to re-apply as a new member, Bigot was completely taken back when his application was rejected. Although the plaintiff on this occasion, Bigot decided as usual to represent himself. In the following extract from the trial's transcript, we see Bigot questioning the club's recently appointed chairman, arch-enemy Percy Pantopod . )

B-J : Percy........ is it true to say I have been an active member for over 20 years ?

Percy : Yes....more is the pity

B-J : And in all those years did I renew my membership always on time .....everytime ?

Percy : Yes... more is the pity.................except of course for this year

B-J : So what happened to my renewal letter.... which I might add......... I never received ?

Percy : How the hell do I know......it went out with all the others on the same day. And if by remote chance it failed to arrive on your doorstep, then you should have made immediate enquiries

B-J : Oh....but how was I to know it was never coming ? Anyway, did I not..... just before the closing date..... leave a cheque behind the bar for the correct subs amount

Percy : Yes....I do recall seeing that cheque, but without the renewal form it had no purpose or validity.....so we simply ripped it up

B-J : You lot must think I'm stupid...... I know damn well you've set me up, but the law is on my side. The club is clearly in breach of contract for denying me my right and opportunity to renew my membership on time. For in contract law, non-performance.......being the non-delivery of the renewal letter..... is a serious matter. Moreover, my subsequent silence can never be construed as (a) proof that I received the renewal letter, or (b) proof that I intended to resign. Acts of omission are by definition completely ambiguous. Moreover my cheque behind the bar was clear proof of my intent to remain a member for another year.

Percy : Rules are rules....and you didn't renew your membership in time.....so there !

Judge : I've heard enough to realize that Bigot, despite being a pariah in this very social and friendly club...... a villian with the most appalling disciplinary record on record......has , in my view, been the victim of a stitch up. The subsequent rejection of his application to join as a new member suggests that this is clearly the case. It seems to me that the club has cleverly used the membership renewal rules to get rid of Bigot, without ever having to go through a long protracted disciplinary process........... which can of course be extremely tortuous, difficult and painful for all those involved. Consequently, I have no choice but to accept his argument that the club acted wrongly, and was in breach of contract. This means he is entitled to an appropriate remedy, being a decree of specific performance. Therefore, he must be reinstated as a member ...... with nothing to pay..... since he has already paid his subs by cheque.

Percy : We will appeal !

Bigot : Hold on..... what about some damages ?

Judge : There are none for the likes of you ....

B-J : Bugger...... I was hoping to refurbish my own bridge club from the proceeds of this masterful coup ....which only a genius like me could pull off.......ah well, at least I can still go to the Walnut Tree for an odd night or two of mischief making

THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB IMPOSES A STRICT UNIFORM DRESS CODE ON ITS MEMBERS

( In a packed club house Bigot-Johnson, dressed in a white suit with a red tie, rose from his gilt-edged chair to address the membership about his latest initiative. A full transcript of the speech apears below. )

" Members......from this point on .....new club rules about dress will be strictly implemented. Uniforms are back in vogue. Every man will be required to wear a brown , dark blue or black jacket with a matching shirt or tie.......depending of course upon his status within the club. The jacket will display the club emblem ......... two cattle hanging upside down with their necks cut.......on the breast pocket.

Because let's face it...... does anyone here in this room think it's a good idea to turn up to the club wearing exactly what they please ? Just look at yourselves..........not only are you lot a joke.... like waifs and strays with no dress sense whatsoever.......but the general level of scruffiness has clearly sunk to the level of a common guttersnipe. This place looks more like a refuge for the homeless.

So let's now examine why uniforms are a damn good idea. They are symbolic of good breeding and class.........not to mention power and elitism. Just take the finest schools in our country today......Eton, Winchester, Harrow.....and see whether they wear a uniform or not. They do. And lots of it. And they represent the best talent this country can produce......people who go onto to become prominent politicians, high-fliers, business moguls, and captains of Gentlemen Club bridge teams.

Wearing club regalia will therefore turn this place into something special .........an institution you can brag and boast your membership of....... enabling you to go about your daily humdrum lives with a spring in your step. Naturally, if you walk around together sporting your club outfits. I would prefer you to walk in step with heads held high.

However, I do need to point out that only the punishment officers are allowed to wear black jackets.

Why is that you may ask? Well, how are the rest of us to know who they are if they do not stand out from the rest. Indeed how would they know, who they are and what role they have to undertake, if they can't distinguish themselves from the ordinary riff raff members. Uniforms help promote respect for authority, rules and one's superiors.

So finally let me give you 3 more good reasons why it becomes essential for you to accept and adopt this new uniform dress code.

One : It will promote within the club a sense of identity and team spirit.

Two : It prevents discrimination between members on the grounds of their class and economic differences. This means that the only permitted discrimination is limited to the status and roles you have within the club's hierarchy.

Three : Having already purchased batch consignments of these jackets and shirts from the far east I need to recoup my investment as soon as possible if I'm to make a killing. No one is allowed to leave this room without first placing an order over by the desk, where Ronnie and Reggie are seated .....both, I might add, looking a picture in their black jackets, dark shirts and white ties.

MORE CLASSIC BRIDGE BOOKS REVIEWED BY PUN.......

Now That Lady Really Can Play Bridge ..............by Sheila Mazeyer is a book full of wonderful hands, in which the author proves beyond doubt the peerless ability of Rixi Marcus. Every hand reveals her remarkable ability to the spot dangers that might exist , and the measures that must be taken to overcome them. Indeed, in some of the more exquisite hands, we see Rixi using counter-counter measures to combat the clever counter measures, which more able opponents employed to create even more threats . The fascination of these titanic cat-and-mouse battles makes this book a connoisseur's delight.

That Play Was Truly Spectacular ...................... by Major Luke Twice is one of the most readable bridge books I have ever come across. The hands which the author researched and selected are all truly outstanding. Each one involves players who opted to make very unusual bids, and bizarre plays, to cause bemused onlookers and kibitzers alike to lose their breath, and sigh in disbelief. Decisions taken at the table seemed both daring and imaginative, but reflective analysis showed they were logically sound and completely spot on. Clearly, the players involved possessed those rare qualities of vision, intuition, instinct, and speed of thought, which simply add up to one thing : sheer genius.

Things You Must Never Do At The Table .................... by Misty Meanor is an amusing collection of stories, where errant players were found guilty of all kinds of wrongdoing. Some of their errors were seemingly innocent, others negligent, with a fair number deservedly classified as darn right deliberate and mischievous. The author splits the book up into various sections, which look into mechanical errors, rule violations, and departures from convention card agreements. Culprits in each section not only include declarer and defenders but also dummy, who on numerous occasions forgets to play " dead ". All in all, the stories introduce and remind the reader about the ethics and etiquette of the game, providing so much food for thought. Whether one is amused or amazed by these strange and bizarre tales, this book guarantees a thoroughly entertaining read to both beginners and experts alike.

BIGOT-JOHNSON SURVIVES VOTE OF NO CONFIDENCE : PUN SPEAKS UP ON HIS BEHALF

A week ago another attempt was made to unseat Bigot-Johnson from the post of chairman at the Slaughter House Bridge Club. It appeared that many of the rank and file members were alarmed and distressed, over the sudden and unexplained disappearance of the reverend Dr. Willoughby Shott.

An urgently convened EGM called for Bigot's resignation, if a vote of no confidence went their way. However, the anti-Bigot campaign was thwarted in its tracks, when Pun came to his defence. His stirring speech in suppport of his chairman won the day, and a crucial extract from it can be seen below.

" Bigot-Johnson has always been a man who rises to every occasion.......a fine upstanding member of this club and community. Granted.....he can give his partners a real hard time if they don't come up to scratch......because let's face it ........Bigot is a man who, in any bridge competition, loves to be in pole position.........yet conversely he always claims to derive more satisfaction and pleasure....... when coming from behind to win.

As chairman he is ...... I agree ......a stickler for getting his own way. His comings and goings have often been met with disapproval and objections.......but who can condemn a man who sticks rigidly to his principles and beliefs ?

And yes.......there have been several instances where has made some rather unfortunate cock ups, but let me remind you that running a club of this size can be very hard and time-consuming work. Some of the issues he has had to deal with have been bones of contention for all of us.

But do we ever see him down-hearted or dejected ? No....because whenever we see him he stands proud and erect....firmly in control of his feelings. He is not a man who buckles or goes limp. His resolve is as stiff and unbreakable as a pillar of stone. So I implore you....keep this man on as Chairman...... "

BIGOT-JOHNSON

HAS ALWAYS BEEN

MORE THAN

CAPABLE OF

HOLDING HIS OWN

IN THE WORLD

OF COMPETITIVE

BRIDGE

......

IN FACT HE HAS

BEEN MANAGING

TO HOLD HIS OWN

EVER SINCE HE

WAS ABANDONED

AS A 4 YEAR OLD

CHILD OUTSIDE

THE LOCAL COUNCIL

ORPHANAGE

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT CHANGED THE GAME FOREVER.....( Research by Pun )

• Placing The Blame On Others............................Xavier Onassis
• There's No Need To Tell Her Off........................Lee Verbee
• You Sir, Have Bid Out Of Turn Again...............Susan Orty-Boyden
• So What If I'm No Good At Bridge......................Iona Faskar
• One Day Victory Will Come............................Helen Highwater
• Partner, We Can Win This Competition...........Daryll Beaderday
• Look At What I've Got, Partner....................Ivor Wright-Stonker
• That Player Is A Cheating Dog.....................Ed Turner
• Partner, I Can't Keep My Eyes Open................Flo Tinaway
• Pleasing Partner Will Get Its Rewards.............Briony Points

DR. SIGMUND T. SCHUKELGRUBER DEDICATES ONE OF HIS FINEST POEMS TO BIGOT-JOHNSON......... and any other desperately sad, hard-done-to, bridge wannabe

..

Entitled " Longing "

..

I have always wanted to be a winner

Honest to God

What I would give

To see me and my partner

Floating down that holy aisle

Leading to the stage

Where we would collect our trophy

And loads of spondoolies

To loud and rapturous applause

Please God

Just For once

Let me be a winner

Because if you do

I would swear on my mother's grave

Not to shout out

" About fucking time "

Neither would I laugh

In the stricken faces

Of the runners up

But I would

As sure as hell

Snatch that trophy

With both hands

To stroke it

Caress it

And kiss it

A thousand times over

As if it was

Marilyn Monroe's

Very own

Furry cup

FIRST THERE

WAS " POOR

BRIDGE OF

THE WEEK "

...

BUT NOW

THERE'S BIGOT-

JOHNSON'S

EXCITING NEW BRIDGE

MAGAZINE

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

( For readers who enjoy reading bridge articles laced with great humour , poor bridge of the week and poorbridge.com are well worth checking out )

THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB DISCIPLINARY HEARING No. 47

( The reverend Dr. Willoughby Shott was brought before the three man disciplinary committee, chaired by the infamous Bigot-Johnson with Reggie and Ronnie in attendance. The reverend was being charged with carrying out activities deemed to be injurious to the character and interests of the club. He had foolishly decided to petition for the reinstatement of Percy Pantopod and others, following their expulsion from the club on the night of the AGM fiasco. A short extract from the hearing's transcript can be seen below. )

B-J : You sir are a subversive, an agitator, a troublemaker, a rebel, a renegade and a reprobate, who has deliberately set out to undermine the committee's authority......and the good name of this club

Rev : But I only asked people to sign a petition, which was designed to correct an injustice done by you......... against innocent members of this club

B-J : Listen you bible bashing bastard.....it is clear to us that you have set out to expose me and my cronies as a bunch of corrupt, lying, cheating, bullying and despotic toss-pots. This outrageous petition serves as evidence of defamation and incitement.....as well as.....open rebellion and warfare. Not only is it injurious to the character and interests of the club, it is a slur upon, and a condemnation of , those wonderful members who..... through their votes........ placed their trust in us to run the club.

Rev : But I have a right to petition........

B-J : Not on these premises ...... you would have been wiser to have done your petitioning elsewhere

Rev : Surely I can approach club members anywhere I like to discuss matters of real concern ?

B-J : You just don't get it.....PETITIONS HERE ARE BANNED......and so will you be, Willoughby, if you continue to witter on....

Rev : Might I remind you that the Right of Petition in the UK came about in 1628, when parliament decreed that any individual is allowed to petition against an authoritative body or institution to seek redress for a perceived injustice.

Indeed, petitions are an inherent symbol of our democratic heritage, a statement that endorses our right to free speech, freedom of association. ........our right to express disapproval in a civilised manner, to openly criticise and challenge the decisions of governing bodies.

In a democracy like ours where one might have to wait for the next election to redress grievances, there is still the option of a petition to bring about decision changes ......quickly, quietly and without fuss. Therefore, any attempt to stifle or silence petitioners, or to chastise and punish them, is tantamount to an abuse of power.

One has to accept that there will always be ongoing conflicts between organisations and individuals......but to impose restrictions on individuals to petition, or to suppress the aims and objectives of that petition, is in my view an infringement of their constitutional rights......

B-J : I've heard enough of this clap trap.......you are talking a load of bollocks......What do you think Ronnie ?

Ronnie : Get rid of him.....

B-J : And you, Reggie ?.....

Reggie : Leave it to me.......I'll see that he doesn't bother us anymore....

B-J : Good thinking....and so on that note I declare this hearing is at a close.....

Ronnie : Reg....go get the van and a bag of ready concrete mix.......we've a job to do

JOHNNY'S AMAZING 6TH SENSE ..................

Only very few bridge players in the world have what is known as that " 6th sense ", a level of awareness where danger can be spotted a mile off. The following hand clearly demonstrates that Johnny Supremo belongs to this rare and gifted group.

North : AQ9xx.....x.....AKQJx......Qx

South : KJx.....Axxxx........x......Axxx

In an uncontested auction the bidding went as follows : 1H-1S-2C-2D-3S-4NT-5H-6S

With most declarers finding their way to a small slam in spades, on every table East kicked off with the 6C opening lead.

At our table the errant declarer ducked the club lead in dummy, only to see my partner pop up with the King. A club return was promptly ruffed by me to seal declarer's fate. One off.

At another table, the declarer sensibly took the opening trick by rising with dummy's club Ace. Twelve tricks seemed relatively straightforward with 5S, 5D and two outside Aces. So trumps were drawn and diamonds played off from the top, but when the suit broke badly only 11 tricks were made.

However, at Johnny's table, the great man was at the helm. Would he fall victim to both minor suits breaking badly ? No chance. He too took the first trick with dummy's club Ace, and then played a small diamond over to his Ace. At trick three he led a low diamond ruffing it with dummy's jack . His foresight was well rewarded when West too showed out of diamonds, discarding a low heart. So with trumps breaking 3-2, Johnny had an easy time harvesting 12 tricks.

With seemingly every other declarer going down in the same contract, I asked Johnny " Surely, the odds of coming up against a 6-1 or 5/2 diamond break are far less likely than 4-1 split in spades ? Howcome you played the hand anticipating adverse breaks in the minors, but an extremely friendly break in trumps ? "

" Ah ", he said with a rueful smile, " firstly there was no double which might have flagged up an adverse trump break. Secondly, even if the trumps split 4-1, there's still a 20% chance the singleton is the 10. Thirdly, I couldn't help but notice the speed at which the club 6 hit the table , a clear indication it was a stiff. Fourthly, I also noticed a tiny glint of delight in West's eye when I played a small diamond at trick 2. Another revealing tell tale sign. And lastly, my 6th sense always enables me to sniff out danger, whenever suits are breaking 6-1. "

What a man......

A NEARLY TRUE ACCOUNT OF WHAT WENT OFF IN BIGOT-JOHNSON'S LATEST COURTROOM DRAMA........ ( Article by Bridgemeister Gibson )

A few weeks ago Bigot-Johnson turned up at Doncaster Crown Court to face two charges: (i) aggravated assault, and (ii) attempted murder. Apparently, Bigot had started to turn up to regular duplicate events in a dark black suit, with a workman's hammer concealed in an inside pocket.

Claiming that he only carried the weapon to defend himself in case of attack from Pantopod's followers, most savvy members knew of its existence and its true purpose. Bigot was always prepared to give his hapless partner a right going-over, clearly convinced that the only way to ram a message home was to hammer it home.

However, after his last partner felt the full force of his instant on-the-spot lesson in bidding, Bigot was finally arrested. At the trial an unbelievable question and answer exchange then took place, being the most memorable one ever to be documented in the All England Law Reports. Not only did the exchange enthrall the privileged few who were present in the courtroom that day , but also the thousands who managed to track down the relevant extract from the trial's transcript ( which now appears below ) :

Prosecutor : Bigot....you are charged with beating Ed Reilly Aikin with a hammer..... the incident taking place at the Slaughter House Bridge Club on May 10th 2011.......... in front of 4o or so witnesses

Man ( in the public gallery ) : You bastard......

Prosecutor : You are also charged with the attempted murder of Ivor Badleigh-Hurthead with a hammer.......... at the same venue on May 31st ..... again in front of countless witnesses

The same man : You bastard......

Judge : Excuse me sir.....I can understand your anger and frustration over these heinous and dreadful crimes , but I will not tolerate any more of these outbursts.....otherwise I will charge you with contempt of court ! Now is that a problem ?

Man : Listen, your honour..... I 've only just moved in next door to this sly evil toe-rag, and I often went round to his house to see if he had a hammer I could borrow for a bit of DIY work ....but on each occasion he told me categorically that he didn't own one.....

Prosecutor : Might I be allowed to continue.....

Judge : Yes...yes

Prosecutor : Did you , Bigot, attempt to murder...............

B-J : No, I did not

Prosecutor : Oh...........and do you know what the penalties are for perjury ?

B-J : Yes I do....and they are a damn sight less than they are for attempted murder

Judge : Bigot.....do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth

B-J : Yes....of course I do

Judge : And do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful ?

B-J : Sure.... because based upon my vast experience of courtroom tactics , lying has always proved highly successful......

Judge : Someone fetch me my black cap.....

NEWS FLASH

BY PUN :

After celebrating a rather controversial and fiercely contested win at Crockfords, Bigot's kaylied team mates decided to end up raising their hats to the mastermind behind their success ....... acting captain Bigot- Johnson ....... who according to reports had also removed his clothes after having a right skinful.

SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB'S TWO NEW COMMITTEE MEMBERS

Following an unfortunate exodus of players from the club, Bigot soon realised something had to be done to stem the tide of pending financial disaster . Any further decline in membership numbers would be death knell for his beloved venture. Instinctively, he hit upon the perfect solution. This involved bringing Ronnie and Reggie straight onto the committee as paid executives.

Ronnie was given the post of hospitality and welfare officer, while Reggie took immediate charge of public relations, recruitment and internal communications.

With their impeccable credentials at fostering and developing absolute allegiance, obedience and loyalty from those they made contact with, it came as no surprise to see the remaining members attending every duplicate session week in, week out. And as dozens of white-faced newcomers signed up each month, happy to pay whatever fees that club asked for, Bigot 's money problems simply disappeared away.

So yet again a rather smug, and smarmy, Bigot congratulated himself on pulling off another masterful coup.

NEWS FLASH BY PUN : SCATOLOGICAL SCENES OF CHAOS AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB'S AGM

Scenes that beggared belief disrupted last month's AGM at the Slaughter House Bridge Club. An attempted coup to unseat the megalomaniac chairman ( and his cronies ) from the committee collapsed in abject failure. A spirited and well meaning body of members had become desperate to rid the club of its corrupt regime, as the first stage of an ethnic cleansing process. They clearly felt the reputation and the future of the club was at stake, because already law enforcement agencies were looking to close it down.

However, despite being hopelessly outnumbered, Bigot's supporters took up the fight. Arguments escalated into violent scuffles. Measures used to restrain the protesters clearly went a step to far. Within minutes of the chairman's war cry, the club house resembled a cow shed with so much shit flying around in all directions. Indeed, all hell broke loose when Bigot proposed a large proportion of the club funds should be spent on a huge bronze statue of himself, to be positioned right outside the club front door entrance.

After the rebel movement had been thoroughly squashed, those involved in the uprising were crudely and forcibly ejected via the back passage and door. Within minutes of last one being dumped outside in the freezing cold, Bigot immediately proposed a motion to have them all permanently expelled from the club. Completely bogus and trumped up charges of sabotage and subversion were made against these dissident dogs. The motion was quickly forced through and passed. For Bigot it was a dream come true : his power base was even stronger and greater than ever. The feces of his ardent supporters were of course a picture of delight.

Instinctively, Bigot felt the expulsion programme could not wait. So ignoring proper procedures and due process he asked the membership to vote there and then on kicking these renegades out of the club. First up was Percy Pantopod who was regarded as their ring-leader. Bigot knew that he was the filthy, low down, whistle-blowing stool pigeon, who had gone to the police with inside information about the club's nefarious activities. However, with so many others to deal with, Bigot was worried about a log jam with regards to the evening's scheduled activities, so it was clearly good sense to deal with them in groups of four. Not surprisingly, the whole process still flitted away 2 hours of his precious drinking time, and although he was tired and pooped, Bigot felt it was vital to push this job through to the bitter end.

Everyone could see that Bigot was in his element......... and, as some would say, on a roll.

HOW TO SPOT THE ALPHA MALES............. ( Article by Carp )

Every bridge club has its quota of alpha males. Arrogant sods who expect all other members to recognise their place below them in the well established pecking order, while they sit proudly at the top expecting all the advantages and privileges with go with the territory. Just like a flock of cackling hens, the upper echelons always expect to get first dibs at the corn.

Recognising them is all too easy. The tell tale signs , of which there are many, stand out a mile. The following list is just a few I happened to note down the other day after coming across these grandees in a recent club competition. Most of them...............

- choose to partner another from their group

- tend to sprawl over their chairs, legs wide apart as if they've got two prickly pineapples for testicles

- play the cards with an air of smug superiority and casual ease

- look upon their opponents as grains of corn

- constantly chuckle at the end of each hand irrespective of the score

- treat tops as par for the course, but bottoms as " comic mishaps "

- huddle together in the bar to revel in their conquests, coups, triumphs, and winnings

- see themselves as top dogs, or as brooding panthers

- have a soft spot for the Marquis de Sade

- smile in disbelief at how other club members swallow all this crap

- believe in double standards and privileges for the chosen few

- even when they know what to bid or play go into deep thought, if only to enhance their image of having heightened brain power

- never bother to sit on committees, using instead their considerable influence to pull the strings of the puppets who they helped vote on

- only befriend ordinary members if they happen to be TDs, realising the importance of getting their co-operation and help in table disputes

- close ranks when an alpha male friend is under suspicion or threat

- only join the club to ( a) plunder competition silverware and (b) safeguard their place in the first team

PROFILE OF A NOT SO GOOD BRIDGE TEACHER..... Article by Carp

( Linda Lee a few days ago posted an interesting blog about the qualities one would find in a " good " bridge teacher. Fair enough, but what about the thousands who just don't cut it ? What are their profiles like ? Well, based on my extensive research the not so good bridge teachers all seem to possess and share the same common characteristics , as listed below .)

1. Mainly charging fee-males

2. Yet quite a few husband and wife double acts

3. Aged 50 or over

4. Gave up on learning the game years ago

5. But desperate to make some money out of it

6. Often display acute symptoms of the STYP delusion

7. In permanent denial of their limitations and shortcomings

8. Yet possess an unshakable belief in their " expert " status

9. See themselves as one-eyed Kings/Queens in the land of the blind

10. Love the sound of their own voice

11. Use their influence over students to fulfil other more desirable objectives

12. Take up key committee posts to safeguard their position

13. Like to run, organise and profit from bridge holidays

14. See their role as " a calling " ( on the way to the bank )

15. Resent others joining their ranks

16. Full of their own self-importance

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : THE STYP DELUSION

This psychological disorder is as prevalent in bridge , as it is in marriage. It tends to affect inferior and mediocre players, who have allowed their limited knowledge of the game to become a dangerous thing. Not only do victims believe they know everything , but in partnership terms they always claim to be the stronger half.

STYP is an acronym for Smarter Than Your Partner. My research has shown that any player , who thinks he/she is superior and smarter to his/her partner , has clearly become neurotic, incapable of taking even the smallest criticism without adopting the characteristics of a very sick puppy.

I have yet to observe a player with this condition to be part of a partnership , which independent observers might describe as harmonious , happy and successful. STYP is a disorder which is destined to undermine and destroy all partnerships , especially when both players possess the same unshakable belief in their greater expertise, intelligence, and know-how.

So my advice to anyone , who comes across a " partner-seeking " STYP victim , is plain and simple : don't even think about it , just do a runner. However, if one has already made the mistake of pairing up , then there is no time to waste . Jump ship immediately, before having to listen to another session of patronising and condescending criticisms , in an all too familiar but annoying voice.......... blighted by that feigned haughty " I-of-course-know-best " accent.

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT OFFERED MUCH BUT DELIVERED LITTLE....... ( Reseach by Pun )

• You Can Tell I Had A Good Session With Partner.........Stan Key
• Bridge Tales For Bridge Males..................................... T. Potts
• Partner, I Promise To Stick To The System..................Will B. Goode
• Why Do You Have To Trump So Big ?........................ .Daisy Cutter
• I'm Coming To Get You Partner !.................................Ray D. R. Knott
• I Just Can't Stop Winning.............................................Honor Roll
• What To Do If You Keep On Losing..............................Troy Arder
• Learn Bridge : 50 Carefully Selected Deals...................Sam Paul Hanse
• Keep Those Hands Away From Me..............................Ron D. Beist
• Those Two opponents Were A Right Pair Of Tits..........Gert Stonkers

LAW REPORT : BATEMAN v. BIGOT-JOHNSON ( 2008 )

( This case involved Bigot-Johnson being sued for libel , following comments he made , as editor , about the plaintiff in the September edition of the Walnut Tree Allotment BC newsletter. As usual Bigot elected to defend himself. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below . )

Counsel for the plaintiff ( CP ) : Were you , Bigot , the editor of this vile, scurrilous and outrageous newsletter ?

B-J : Yes I was......but some members really liked it

CP : Well, the majority didn't.........one of which happens to be my client

B-J : And who are you to judge on whether or not my newsletter was in appalling bad taste ?

Judge : Good question....one which I will answer.....he isn't.......because that responsibility falls on me

B-J : Thank God for that.....

CP : My client is without doubt a respectable and respected member of the club......unlike yourself , Bigot....

B-J : Strewth.....you must have some damn good researchers in your team

CP : Oh.... that's just common knowledge

B-J : Hmm.....

CP : So allow me to remind you of the libellous comment you made about my client : " ....he was with his most trusting and trusted partner, Tom Applecart..."

B-J : What's defamatory about that.....all I was doing was complimenting him on his choice of partner , and giving my reasons why he usually chose Applecart for the big matches and major club competitions

CP : Well, that's where you are so wrong. These cunning, clever words were loaded with wicked innuendos , which revealed two defamatory remarks. Firstly, they suggested that my client was a rather shady character, and secondly .....that his partner Applecart....... to put it mildly..... was his simple- minded lackey. Allow me now to read a passage from the letter of complaint my client sent in to the club's committee : "......if this is true it is patently the case that the expression trusting once again implies I am a shifty person, who should not be trusted, and on that basis I now wish to complain about Bigot's editorial conduct. It is also offensive to Applecart as it suggests he is too simple to realise my shifty bidding tactics "

B-J : Hold on there......are you suggesting that my compliments amounted to insults by innuendo ?

CP : Yes...

B-J : So therefore by using this argument , it is true to say that if I had suggested that Applecart..... didn't trust Bateman ..... and was not a partner to be trusted........ I would be complimenting both by innuendo ?

CP : Don't be ridiculous.....such words would be a direct slur on their characters , as opposed to the ones you used , which were an indirect slur......

B-J : So whatever I say or write about your client , my words will always be taken and interpreted as defamatory......simply because he believes that I am out to get him ?

CP : Yes...you've hit the nail right on the head

Judge : That's it......I've heard enough of all this nonsense. The law cannot allow compliments to be converted into insults, and meanings of words taken from a dictionary of their antonyms..............whatever next ! For once....I have to side with Bigot if only to allow common sense and reason to prevail.

B-J : Thank you....thank you ....your honour. You showed great insight and wisdom. You always had my trust right from the very start.

Judge : I know......and it proved to be a very tidy sum indeed...

B-J : Well, what's money if it maintains my editorial reputation and freedom.....

Judge : Absolutely.....

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG...............

Dear Rebecca ,

I am appalled at the relentless decline in moral standards which now undermines this wonderful game of bridge . I fought a war for this country just to uphold the Great British values of civilised and refined behaviour .

I have heard a great deal about you , but I must admit I rarely bother to read your columns or your books. You see....I'm very much a man's man.

Anyway, do you agree that the world of bridge today has been taken over by unethical , nasty minded, results merchants , who haven't a shred of decency, morality, sportsmanship and goodwill left in them .

Why just the other night my twit of a partner quitted his trick incorrectly.....and the sharp-eyed, evil opponents spotted it.....and did likewise ! So as dummy , I naturally pointed out to these three players the error of their ways , whereupon I rounded upon and I told it was not my place to comment.

Well, if you can't point out a transgression without transgressing yourself, then what the hell is this game coming to ?

Yours Ray D. Tuckhill

.......

Dear Ray ,

It's perfectly obvious to me that you have lost sight of what bridge is all about. If you were prepared to go to war , then going to your local bridge club must be like a walk in the park. The worst that could happen to you is damaged pride and a few injured feelings.

The game has indeed become far more sophisticated and far more competitive. There is no room now for sentiment, because results are what most bridge players are after. For many the joy of winning far exceeds the joy of participating , and that joy depends on getting tops , irrespective of how they come about. So long as there is no cheating involved then anything goes.

Having said all that you should have waited till the hand was over , asking all concerned to leave the cards face down until a TD arrived. Then you could point out your partner's mistake on quitting the trick, before really laying into your two opponents, who knowingly mis-quit the same trick in a blatant attempt to cheat their way to a better score.

All in all this comes across as a very disturbing tale indeed. Firstly, there's your ignorance of the rules and impetuous behaviour. Then there's your partner's lack of concentration and focus. And finally, there are those two low down, filthy, rotten cheats, who need a right good flogging. So yes, the game does have an unsavoury side to it, but doesn't every competitive sport. Nevertheless, bridge still remains the best game in the world. So learn to live with the harsh realities that it brings along. Stop your whinging and whining. Read up on the rules, and use the TDs to sort out the bad guys.

Yours as always incredibly Rood

BIGOT'S ATTEMPTED COUP BACKFIRES.........

( A nearly true story by Bridgemeister Gibson as told in the Bawtry Gazette, concerning one of many Bigot's court room battles with Percy Pantopod )

The judge stunned a packed courtroom, when at the start of the trial he made the following announcement :

" Before we begin this case.....I must publicly report the fact that both Bigot-Johnson and Percy Pantopod offered me bribes ...."

Gasps of sheer disbelief peppered the courtroom for what seemed an age.

When the breathlessness subsided the implacable judge continued : " It must be put on record that Bigot-Johnson presented me with a cheque for £25,000, while the less fortunate, and less well off, Percy Pantopod only presented me with a cheque for £20, 000.

Even louder gasps of disbelief bounced around the courtroom, as observers struggled to draw breath over what they were hearing.

Then the judge smiled as he leaned forward to speak , seemingly happy to turn a blind eye and show forgiveness to both these appalling reprobates : " So on reflection, it seems that I have no alternative but to give back to Bigot-Johnson a cheque for £5,000. This..... of course....now puts me in a position to proceed with the case, and make a decision purely on its merits........"

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY.......................

• Trump signal : Usually the lifting of a single buttock to allow easy passage for a forthcoming trump
• Tight : a term used to describe a player who has a disturbing habit of carrying an empty wallet
• Unauthorised information : hand details which are communicated freely between players and their partners using a whole range of devious and underhand methods
• White : the colour your face turns to after passing your partner's opening 2C on a 12 count
• Stand a double : an ability to remain in an upright position in the bar area after yet another rather large whiskey
• 3C Stayman : a recovery convention used only by those players who forgot to use stayman at the 2 level
• Tournament : where players of genuine class come across useless wannabes in completely one-sided encounters
• Rhythm : what players who dig the blues have a real feel for

TELL TALE SIGNS YOUR PARTNER IS NOT THE PLAYER HE USED TO BE....... ( Article by Carp )

1. He spends more time in the tank drowning than he ever does thinking

2. He keeps closing and re-fanning his cards to constantly remind himself what's left in his hand

3. Scores of around 50% make him very happy

4. His convention card has remained almost the same as the one he drew up 10 years ago

5. Forever looking across to you for inspiration

6. He plays the cards more in hope than expectation

7. Sighs of relief if he brings a contract in get longer and heavier

8. He asks you to revert to HELD signals and discards

9. He revokes on an opponent's lead of a diamond, holding seven in that suit

10. He starts passing your splinter bids

11. His " pass " card comes out more often than ever before

12. He mumbles " ip dip dip my blue ship " under his breath before deciding on which card to play next

13. Aces are led out for want of anything better

14. Guesswork takes over from logical and reasoned thinking

15. He stops asking opponents questions for fear of being confused by their answers

16. Vision is replaced by blind hope

17. Magical thinking starts creeping into his game

18. He asks the opponent to ask your partner what he meant by that bid

19. He lets you bid no trumps first so that you end up as declarer

20. He takes up teaching bridge to beginners

LAW REPORT : R v. BIGOT-JOHNSON ( 2011 )

( For a second time in a month, Bigot came before Doncaster Crown Court. However, presiding over this case was Justice Ivor Lang-Pinkie, a renown gay activist. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below. )

B-J : I would first like to say.........I don't recognise this court

Judge : Why ?

B-J : Since I was here 4 weeks ago, you've gone and had it redecorated

Judge : You like the pastel wall-paper ?

B-J : Only if I was a puff.....

Prosecutor (P) : May I begin .....?

Judge : Yes...please do

P : You Bigot-Johnson have been charged with a serious sexual assault on Percy Pantopod, who is still recovering in hospital from trauma and shock. The incident took place at Slaughter House Bridge Club, an establishment..... I am led to believe...... of ill-repute........ of which you are the owner and chairman.

B-J : Yes....that is correct

P : And after everyone had left the premises , you took extreme liberties with this rather unfortunate and inadequate member

B-J : How dare you sir......I've have you know my member is far from inadequate......it's magnificent

P : That I suspect is a wicked lie.....but I was referring to the Percy........

B-J : And so was I......

Judge : I've had enough of this ......

B-J : I'm sure you have......

P : So Bigot......why don't you enlighten us to your version of what happened that night......

B-J : I can't recall everything....I'd been drinking heavily all evening, simply to calm my shattered nerves. This bird-brained coot of a player ended up as my partner. All night he fouled up one hand after another. I've never witnessed so many cock-ups in his bidding. On weak hands... vulnerable..... he stuck his bloody neck out ...and got it chopped.....but then he would chicken out... with monster hands..... to bid and reach simple slams. Any coup that was perpetrated against him he fell for......not to mention going off in lay down games.

P : So then what ?

B-J : Well, after the session had ended, I went into the bar spitting feathers. I was desperate for a couple of stiff whiskeys. Then I left the building to wait for Percy, in the dimly lit area of the car park. When he finally got to his car, I jumped him. Grabbing him by his arms, I pulled him into the undergrowth, ripped off his clothes..........unbuckled my belt......to set about him in no uncertain terms.........but after that I don't remember a thing...

Judge ( jerking forward ) : For God's sake man.....don't stop now....just make something up if you have to.......anything will do.....