Friday, 8 July 2011

Having formed the infamous Slaughter House Bridge Club, it came as no surprise when Bigot immediately installed himself as chairman. Under his stewardship a whole new breed of bridge players have suddenly emerged from this darkest corner of the bridge world. So wrapped up in his own success and glory, he has decided to write a manual on " How To Be The Consummate Bridge Club Chairman " . The essential qualities are listed below :
1. Even under pressure always give the impression you are in total control, by either adopting an air of false confidence or outrageous arrogance
2. Never reveal your meglomaniac ambitions : spread the rumour you're only doing the job out of a sense of duty
3. Prioritise your personal agenda over and above all others
4. Never inform the membership as to what is really going on , because let's face it from their perspective ignorance is bliss
5. Deal with all important matters in secret with the chosen few, using the regular mundane committees meetings to rubber stamp what has already been decided
6. Never enter incriminating facts or details into the published minutes, making sure the end product is (a) vague in its brevity, and (b) sanitised in its format
7. Always display a correct sombre air during heated exchanges at AGMs
8. If members openly challenge or criticise you, then start up " a little black book " detailing all the misdemeanours ( big or small ) they may have committed . This information will prove invaluable later on when evidence is needed to sling them out.
9. If these errant members don't play ball by remaining squeaky clean, then create conflict situations which might provoke them into doing out-of-character things, creating wonderful opportunities to bring about trumped up letters of complaint
10. View skeptically any suggestions by members that could alter the status quo , or change the way the club is run
11. Revise the club's constitution on a regular basis in order to consolidate more power to your elbow
12. Feel free to say and do what you like having created exemptions for yourself under the revised constitution
13. Always generate a few fictitious problems which of course require no fixing. Then announce to all members your success in removing these problems, knowing this will inspire the more gullible saps to vote you back in
14. Develop within the club a culture of apathy and indifference as this makes your task so much easier
15. Surround yourself by sycophants and people you can easily influence and beguile
16. Stay on your toes, keep your ears pricked, never walk down dark corridors alone, and routinely check out the underneath of your car

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