( A few months ago a rather unusual case came before Doncaster Crown Court. Apparently, Bigot-Johnson had created a name for himself as the discredited creator and editor of the infamous " Bad Bridge " magazine, which spewed out the most scurrilous and scandalous garbage ever to sully and disgrace the squeaky clean world of bridge literature. The WBF was desperate to have him prosecuted for criminal libel, obscenity and blasphemy, but the Crown Prosecution Service had other ideas : they decided to charge with theft. Bigot of course elected to defend himself. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below. )
Prosecution counsel ( PC ) : You Bigot have been charged with theft ....
B-J : Preposterous.........I've not taken anything out of my wife's purse for ages
PC : Well...I'm not referring to the theft of money but to something that was of immense value to the Federation of World Bridge......the good name and reputation of the game as a whole
B-J : Clap trap.... every one knows all about the dodgy antics, rows, and cheating practices that go on at the table ...... therefore, to claim that bridge players are all sane, normal, rather sporting, decent-minded folk is pure utter nonsense .....the figment of one's fertile imagination
PC : You Bigot are so wrong.........but first, let me remind you of what the definition of theft is ...... quote " dishonestly appropriating property belonging to another with the intention to permanently deprive "
B-J : Yes...yes...I know all that....I've been done on enough theft charges to know my way around this area of the law
PC : So tell me Bigot.....did you take any care at all to ensure that content of these shameful magazines was true ?
B-J : Good Lord no....I hadn't the time or the inclination to check out the truth. Anyway poetic licence allows me to bend the facts a little, to deviate here and there, to embellish a few things, and to slip in a few inaccuracies. So yes....... you could say the truth was compromised a bit here and there...
P : You lied.....in other words
B-J : No...it's more correct to say I'm guilty of packing the magazines with half-truths and hyperboles
P : Yes...classic examples of dishonest practice.... because what you clearly set out to do was wrong ..... you were using the Bad Bridge magazines with all its dishonest content to deprive the WBF of running a game which has a good name.... why.....the title of the magazine says it all...... but please let's now move onto appropriation , which simply means " taking " or " acquiring by default ". What your nefarious magazines set out to achieve was the relentless piss-taking " of certain stereo-typical players by means of outrageous parodies , and lampooning articles. Moreover, by taking the piss you were also taking from the WBF the game's hard earned reputation and goodwill, which by any accounting standards represent very valuable ( albeit intangible ) assets. Any loss of the game's good name would result in a serious financial loss.....not only to the WBF but to every bridge club all over the world . Not only would clubs struggle to keep their members, but the prospects of finding new members would be irreparably damaged
B-J : Oh....
PC : And without doubt, the loss or deprivation of this intangible property, which clearly belongs to the world's governing body ....... having been built up over the years by its dedicated, hard working officers........ was all down to you and your destructive magazines.
B-J : Oh....
PC : And finally your actions clearly indicate an intention to permanently deprive the WBF of its most valuable property. You see.....once the game loses its good name and reputation it takes years to rebuild it. The game of bridge is now ..... to all accounts and purposes ......regarded as a joke...... a label which you set out to achieve in your Bad Bridge magazines......very successfully
B-J : Thank you.....your veiled compliment does you a real disservice...........because all I'm trying to do with my spoof magazine is to expose everything that is wrong with the game of bridge today......to embarrass the wrongdoers into cleaning up their acts , and thereby restore the game's reputation as the best game in the world.......
PC: Well, sadly for you it has had the opposite effect..... it has only encouraged and promoted bad practice....which in turn has deprived the game of its once glorious reputation
B-J : Oh....
Judge : I've heard enough ....and so as the jury by the look on their distraught, pain-racked faces...... for there is no doubt in my mind Bigot, that everything about these magazines is dishonest and corrupt....even down to the fact you advocate on the front covers that the game is strictly for players who couldn't care less....and so I shall be directing the jury to find you guilty...
B-J : My God !.....this is what I call a stitch up...
Judge : That's how it may seam to you.....but you need to cotton on to the fact that no one in this courtroom likes you..... and the very idea of you and I seeing eye to eye with each other is as likely as me finding £40,000 on my doormat when I get home........because right from the outset you've needled me.....and there comes a point when foul mouthed villains like you need to be severely punished....
B-J : So would a promise of a £40,000 cheque in the post help bring about a change of mind ?
Judge : No
B-J : Bugger....
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