Thursday, 1 September 2011

Howard Bigot-Johnson's very first article but now revamped and rewritten by the one and only "Toxic Ted " Bateman
Believe you me belonging to a bridge club is no bloody picnic. There will be members who can not help but cause you grief . They will rile you to such an extent you will be obliged to put pen to paper to express your grievances and demands, hoping those in authority will listen, and respond accordingly......... implementing your wishes with ruthless efficiency. Without doubt, voicing your complaints in writing is an art : letters need to be polite but highly vitriolic. Personal satisfaction not only comes from the drafting, but more so when a successful outcome has been achieved . So if you are the type who loves to complain, whenever miffed or frustrated by others, then the following guidelines should help you to excel at this most rewarding pastime.
1. Always have a bee in your bonnet. This ensures your observational prowess remains on full alert.
2. Use even the smallest pretext to maintain a flow of griping correspondence. Even if someone says or does anything that causes you the slightest harm, you must put pen to paper immediately, while your memory is still fresh ( and your blood is still boiling ).
3. Always overstate the pain, anguish and grief an incident has caused you, and use your imagination to speculate on the mean and nasty motives of the alleged wrongdoers.
4. Remember to number your complaint letters. This will enable easy cross-referencing with all previous ones. Often this will enable you to establish proof of any persecution campaigns you believe have been targeted against you, either by individuals or gangs.
5. Never be afraid to name names, or get really personal.
6. If a complaint involves someone you particularly dislike always go for the jugular.
7. Never write a short, concise, fair and balanced letter of complaint. Pack it full of prejudice and bias.
8. Endeavour to write reams of diatribe , which allow you to deliver an endless stream of belligerent rants and accusations.
9. Develop and maintain a dossier of all past incidents and events, so you are able to link several to a particular individual in a " collective " condemnation. This adds real body and substance to current letter of complaint about to go in with regards to this serial wrongdoer.
10. Always keep your language colourful , using well chosen metaphors, alliteration and hyperboles for dramatic effect.
( If anyone finds this article offensive in any way, then I suggest you write a letter of complaint to my home address. Please feel free to utilise any of the advice given above. However, the only assurance I can give you is that all correspondence of this nature will be dealt with in the same highly professional way...... which means going directly into my shredder ! )

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