Thursday, 1 September 2011

Yes , it's been 25 months since
the first post appeared on this
blog , and in response to the hundreds of abusive e-mails slagging me off good and proper..........for failing to provide anything that had substance, relevance, style and appeal.........I think I've come up trumps this time for sure .......... with a post guaranteed to confound and silence my critics.
Indeed, this announcement coincides with the arrival of my new partner ( see above ).......and boy has she gone down a bomb at the Slaughter House Bridge Club. Attendance figures have soared and table money has tripled. So even if she has the bridge nous of a brain damaged gerbil she is an absolute delight to play with. Not only that opponents are so entranced by her beauty and scantily clad outfits, they are completely unable to focus on their game , and even allowing for my frequent lapses of concentration my scores never dip below 69 %.
Anyway, in order to celebrate this momentous occasion I have decided to give to the bridge world my finest idea yet. As you well know , clubs only look to honour and reward I ask you..... what is out there for the perennial losers and useless woodentops ? What awards and trophies do they walk off with at the AGM's prize giving ceremony ? Sweet Fanny Adams is the answer.......but not now......if clubs heed my advice and create the following prestigious awards :
- THE HOISTING ON ONE'S OWN PETARD award for the player who sets a trap for his opponents only fall victim to it himself
- NINE TIMES LOSER award for a player who has recorded 9 or more consecutive scores below 45 %
- WRONG TIMING, WRONG LINE trophy for the numb skull who not only initiates an inferior line of play but also manages to get the timing completely wrong
- THE CONSOLIDATED IGNORANCE award for the brainless baboon whose only ability at the game is to follow suit correctly
- ELEMENTARY MISTAKE award which goes to an established player guilty of making an error so awful it would have even embarrassed and shamed a beginner
- PISSING INTO THE WIND trophy for the fool who likes to compete against top class experts ( vulnerable against not ) on utter filth
- THE LEMMINGS trophy for the player who habitually commits suicide every time he gets carried away in a competitive auction
- THE DUMBEST BID award for the idiot who , by deciding to bid one more time , turns a galactic top into a gut-wrenching bottom
- THE DUMBEST OPENING LEAD award for the bozo who picked the only card from his 13 to hand the opponents a grand slam, having failed to glean anything useful, or glaringly obvious , from the bidding
- THE DUMBEST DOUBLE award for the arrogant " trust-me-I-know-to-play-bridge " prat, who recklessly converts an opponent's modest part-score into a vulnerable game score...... with overtricks !

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