BIGOT-JOHNSON'S GUIDE ON WORMING YOUR WAY INTO THE CLUB'S FIRST TEAM.......
All too often you find yourself on the threshold of breaking into the club's first team, but as an outsider the door is locked. You are not one of the chosen few, because let's face it well established friendships and loyalties run deep. But there is a way in ......and this guide ( full of key advice ) will enable you to unlock that door. Indeed, your moment of destiny may be just around the corner, providing of course you follow my instructions to the letter....
1. Start the process off by only partnering good players who are well capable of lifting your average
2. Ditch these players as soon as possible for better players, claiming the previous lot were holding back your progress
3. Unearth all the dirty washing you possible can regarding the lives of those who are heavily involved in the selection process
4. Make these people aware of your inside knowledge but make it  also known that you are very trustworthy and discrete
5. Never suck down : only suck up
6. Believe in the power of bluff and master the art of faking sincerity
7. Lie whenever you have a good chance of getting away with it
8. Expose, frame, and eliminate those players who are just ahead of you in the selection queue
9. Sponsor lesser known but cracking good players whenever, and wherever, possible
10. Select Congress venues where the fields are likely to be weak, therefore guaranteeing you loads of easy greenies
11. When rubbing shoulders with the club's elite, join in with their laughing and joking , and win their affections, but remember to choose the right moment for a bit of impresive name dropping  
12. Write a bridge blog, to sit along side those of the world class experts, aiming to set up a meaningful dialogue with them
13. If necessary, write up imaginary interviews with some of the world's most revered most  bridge celebrities in order to consolidate your global reputation 
14. Get yourself voted onto the club's committee, taking up a key post or position which allows to influence ( and change ) the way the selection process is carried out
15. Take up ( and practise ) the dark art of hypnotism
16. Constantly make connections, and open up channels of communications, with people who are (a) really important and (b) unbelievably gullible 
17. Always make your yourself heard and highly visible  
18. Use your increasing power base on the committee to appoint new " sensible, open minded " people " onto the panel of selectors
19. Volunteer yourself ( or one of your minions) to chair this revised panel
20. Once  your selection to the first team is made and confirmed,  you must then maintain that high profile,  by standing tall at all times,  and walking around the club full of self-importance, arrogance and conceit