SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC DISCIPLINARY HEARING No. 3764.................
( In a very busy month,  more and more members found themselves up before Bigot and his ruthless gang. Most had been heavily fined but with Perry Pantopod up next, expulsion was very much on the cards ! Bigot was desperate to run these disciplinary hearings in the manner and style of a kangaroo court,  completely inspired by court proceedings so vividly described in Lewis Caroll's Alice in Wonderland )
B-J : Call in the accused.......Perry Pantopod
Perry : What the blue blazes is this all about ?
B-J : As you know you full well.....this club has standards of propriety......and your recent behaviour Perry has been nothing more than disgusting....
Perry : I don't understand....
B-J : Well, allow me to enlighten you.....on numerous occasions you have been seen fondling, fingering , touching and rubbing up the queen of hearts........
Perry : You're  completely mad....stark raving mad....and what in God's name are the committee members scrawling down on those chalk boards  ?
B-J : The " GUILTY " verdict of course...
Perry: But the hearing hasn't started yet ....
B-J : Oh ... well....if you must insist on having one...then let's call in the first witness....
Witness : Why am I here ?
B-J : Did you or did you not partner this evil molesting philanderer the other week ?
Witness : Yes.....but he isn't.....
B-J :  Shut up and answer the questions properly. Do you recall him having in his hands .....on several occasions.....the queen of hearts ?
Witness : Yes...
B-J : And is it true to say that whenever he was subjected to a possible heart finesse he had the disgusting habit of nervously fingering and stroking the queen before eventually sacrificing her under the King 
Witness : Yes....but....
B-J : Thank you...you've been most helpful....so time for the verdict
Perry : Hold on...aren't there more witnesses outside that need to be called in ?
B-J : Listen, there's no real point.....they're all on our side....but if you feel it is absolutely  necessary ......call in witness number two....
Witness :  Firstly, I would like to say that Perry is innocent....
B-J : What...you've been specifically told what evidence to give....comments like that and you'll be up for contempt.  So please stick to the facts..... were you Perry's opponent on hand 24 ?
Witness : Yes..
B-J : Did he have in his hand the queen of hearts, which he foolishly thought was a  winner 
Witness : Yes......
B-J : A winner he believed was going to defeat the small slam bid against him?
Witness : Yes.....
B-J : And did he not caress, and kiss the queen before placing her on the table face up ?
Witness : Yes...I believed he did...such was his joy at the prospect of beating the contract
B-J : But the queen was surprisingly trumped......a victim of a horrible ruff.....and allowing this violation of a very special lady to take place is ....in the eyes of this court..... an extremely despicable crime...
Perry : The queen is a bloody card ....not a person ! Anyway, dozens of players, including yourself.... no doubt..... picked her up during the evening being obliged to handle her in the same way as I did
B-J : How dare you say that.....we are all gentleman.....whereas you are an unsavoury individual who violated and mishandled her repeatedly......and on that shocking and revealing note you are now banned from this club...
Perry : You can't dish out a sentence like that.....before giving me a chance to defend myself .....and the committee sufficient time to consider its verdict
B-J : Stuff and nonsense.....the verdict was decided upon weeks ago.....long before this trumped up complaint ever came in.......you Pantopod are a hideously large puss-ridden spot on the face of mankind 
Committee members ( in unison ) : Off with his head !!   Off with his head !!
B-J : Well, I'll be buggered....a committee that for once knows what it's doing....