BRIDGE : A GAME OF CURIOUS CONTRADICTIONS............... ( Some observations by Bridgemeister Gibson )

Bridge without doubt is a very strange game. Aspects of it border on the absurd..........with contradictions everywhere you care to look. And so if you don't believe me read on, because where else you could across a game in which :

• you treat your opponents with politeness and respect, saving your rudeness and aggro for partner
• opponents can bid like complete numpties against you, only to end up with complete tops
• you are required to open at the higher levels, only when possessing hands with litttle in the way of HCPs
• you can spend vast fortunes on accumulating masterpoints, which then prove to be meaningless because umpteen others are on the same total
• you set off to the club loving the game, only to leave the place threatening to give it up
• your final score is not determined by how well you played, but what had happened elsewhere
• you are told that all bids need to be transparent, only to misunderstand many of your partner's bids, or what conventions you have on your card...... yet when it comes to understanding your opponents bids, well they usually have a system card that is more complex than the enigma code
• you and everyone else in your club claim to be experts, when in reality the opposite is true
• brilliant play by yourself and/or partner is not what wins events....because winners are usually those who don't play stupid
• you spend more time on beating up yourself ( or partner ), than you ever do on bashing your opponents
• even as a top class player you can often end up being drawn against the mediocre non-entities in a major swiss pairs/teams event
• you are required to describe your hand as having one particular suit by simply bidding another
• you believe (bridge) is a sport, only to spend the next 3 hours or more sitting utterly still in a comfy chair
• you are forced to rely on lady luck and prayer far more than your own ability
• you see insanity triumph over disciplined logic time and time again

Yes, the world of bridge is very bizarre indeed....and any one who thinks differently is clearly in denial.

WHAT IS THE BIGOT-JOHNSON 1NT ? : THE MAN HIMSELF EXPLAINS......

I am a firm believer in using the 1NT as an obstructive bid, forcing opponents to enter the auction at the 2 level. However, bidding 1NT with a flat hand containing 1 or 2 four card majors is a no-no.

The 1NT I force upon my partners ( on pain of death ) promises a 5 card minor, and at least one major with a 3 card suit. Acceptable distributions within the 12-14 point range are 3-3-5-2, 3-3-2-5. 3-2-5-2 and 2-3-5-2. Any other distribution/shape requires opening a suit at the one level.

As for responses .....well nothing could be easier. 2C says no game interest, pass if you have clubs or covert to 2D. 2D is the staymanic response which tells partner to bid his lowest 3 card major ( and await developments, if any ). 2H/2S promises 5 in the major, game forcing. 2NT promises a balanced 11-12 with no more than 4 in a major. Simple heh ?

And what's so good about it ? Well firstly, partner with a weakish hand and a 4 card major knows there is no point in trying to find a non-existent 4-4 fit. Partner also knows that with 5 in a major he is well placed to play at the 2 level in either a 5-3 or 5-2 fit. 1NT doubled is less likely to be damaging if there is a 5 card minor suit in which the NT bidder can escape into.

Indeed, the beauty of the bid enables one to open a prepare 1C to show a hand with one, possibly two, 4 card majors, where a 1D reply is the enquiry bid ( to which there are a multitude of informative responses ). Moreover, opponents are less likely make a frisky overcall at the one level with a flimsy 5 card major of their own......knowing you might have that suit. As for all other one-level opening bids ( 1H/S ) : these will show a five card suit or better. 1D will either show a 5 card or better diamond suit, containing a possible singleton or void, or a flat hand with 4-4 in the minors 15+ points. With an opening hand in clubs, which can't be opened 1NT, then it is a case of waiting to bid at the next opportunity if there is one. So the only problem hand is a flat 12-14 with 4-4 in the minors, which requires a disciplined pass on the first round of bidding. Some experts have had the gall to tell me that this Bigot-Johnson 1NT is seriously flawed. Well, my boys are all using it to maximum effect pulling in tops left, right and centre. Never argue with success is what I say to them.

( Footnote: Any comments will be gladly received and carefully scrutinised. Criticisms will be tolerated to some degee, but constructive advice regarding refinements will be much more appreciated. )

NEWSFLASH : BIGOT'S BOYS PLUNGE USA SELECTORS INTO NEW CRISIS...... ( Report by Pun )

The USA selectors had spent weeks floundering around trying to put together a team, because so many of their top players were still in hospital...... and various psychiatric clinics. Nevertheless, such is the wealth of bridge talent in the USA, there was still a big enough pool from which the selectors were offered plenty of choice, and several options.

And so a completely fresh new team was formed to take on Bigot's Boys for this all-important New York match, the third in the series. The pre-match build-up was awash with TV interviews and big name celebrity bridge players taking up positions as chat show hosts. Danny " Slow Death " Waters was the one everyone wanted to see because of his amazing ability to suck his opponents into making fatal mistakes. Indeed, as it turned out he became the man of the match by a nautical mile.

However, neither team made any headway in the first two sessions, but then the fortunes of the USA players took an unfortunate dive. Slow Death started to pull out some excellent results. His in-depth analysis was without equal. And while he was riding on a crest of a wave, all his opponents began to " sense " that awful sinking feeling, as if they were slowly but surely being pulled to the bottom. The pressure he was putting them under caused most to experience the bends...... others were being sent round them. All this defeatism was becoming too hard to swallow.

Elsewhere in the room, the tide had also turned against the Americans. Their precise bidding was replaced by ponderous indecision. " A " rated players were playing well below " C " level. Their vu-graph supporters were drowning in disbelief and despair. The early ebb and flow of the match was just a distant memory as the whole sorry affair was fast becoming an embarrassing whitewash for the USA team. The current form of The Boys was irrepressible......leaving the USA selectors at crisis point. How could this dreadful man, Bigot-Johnson, be allowed to achieve so much success at the expense of such great players....who have clearly found it easier getting into ACBL's Hall of Fame than beating this rag bag outfit from over the seas.

Not surprisingly, BIgot-Johnson suddenly surfaced at the end of the match to take the trophy, and of course all the prize money that had been generously donated by the New York mayor. Bigot, it seemed, had spent the whole time floating around in bar, trying to tap whoever was there for a free drink. Like Danny, he has always been a master in the art of pulling strokes.

GRAVEYARD HEADSTONES

FOR BRIDGE PLAYERS........

( By Pun )

GRAVEYARD HEADSTONES

FOR BRIDGE PLAYERS........

( By Pun )

GRAVEYARD HEADSTONES FOR BRIDGE PLAYERS........

( By Pun )

PROFESSOR HU CHI KU CHI INVESTIGATES...........................

According to Dr. John bridge is a game which turns ordinary people into clients with chronic psychological and personality disorders. In other words it is nurture at work, where the whole bizarre experience of bridge ultimately converts harmless minds into ones incredibly twisted,distorted and disturbed.

But is it I ask more likely that people with well established mental disorders, or with strong tendencies to succumb to them, instantly see bridge as the game of their choice ? Are bridge clubs the perfect sanctuaries for these disorders to run riot ? This view clearly suggests that it is nature at work, and that players see bridge clubs as theatres of the absurd in which they can go along to perform....... and take centre stage.

Well, let's look at the facts.

Firstly, bridge is a game which is over-run by players well into their 60's and 70's. People who no doubt are experiencing the onset of dementia, not to mention a raft of age related mental health problems. All of these are brought to the clubs from " outside ", but the symptoms explode into view in the claustrophobic and competitive atmosphere of duplicate and tournament events.

Secondly, one has to wonder why the membership of all clubs has such a high intake of odd-balls, high-level autistic men, geeks, social misfits and other peculiar folk........all with a warped sense of how best to spend their free time. Their " oddity " seems to be a precondition of membership. The number times I have heard players say " You have to be mad to play this game ! ". Well, the realization of the truth has finally dawned on them alright.

Finally, it has to be observed that in the upper echelons of the game, there are people who are blessed with superb minds......... highly intelligent, gifted individuals, whose talents border on genius. Yet, as most psychiatrists will tell you " there is a very fine dividing line between genius and insanity ". Often the two overlap, and therefore it comes as no surprise to see " some very strange things " going on at their tables..... revealing a multitude of weird and unusual disorders.

So in conclusion I lean far more towards the view that to have to first be crazy to take up this game, but if you weren't there's every chance that the bizarre world of bridge might send you crazy.

GRAVEYARD HEADSTONES

FOR BRIDGE PLAYERS........

....... ( By Pun )

TEAM SELECTION : HOW EASY IS THAT ?................ ( Article by Carp )

Let's face it...... picking say the eight best players in your club to represent the "A" team surely can't be that difficult....or can it ? We are all too aware of football club managers, with oodles of money, buying in the world's most talented individual players, but then struggling like hell to gel them into a winning team. So surely the same problem applies to bridge selectors. The individuals chosen might not gel as a team, and more importantly not gelling into successful partnerships.

If this is the case, then the focus for selectors must change.......to looking for and picking out the best " well established " pairs, who consistently put in good performances in high profile competitive events. Certainly in the world of tennis, the best doubles players hardly ever make the top individual rankings. But what doubles players are good at is their ability to complement one another, by developing an understanding that is second to none......on which countless points are won, and very few conceded.

So what is it that turns two very good players into a top class partnership. Perhaps the concept of synergy comes to mind : where the total outcome of the whole ( ie the pairing ) far exceeds the sum of the two individual parts. However, any pair worthy of selection must possess the following attributes :

- a well-honed understanding of every aspect of their system

- a total knowledge of the system, its conventions, measures and counter-measures

- absolute obedience to the system, enabling one to have complete faith in the other

- a tremendous level of mutual respect and trust

- compatible temperaments, where no player puts unrealistic expectations upon the other

- a shared passion for the game, a shared desire to win, and a shared belief that positive encouragement works

- an ability to see eye-to-eye on all matters concerning strategy and tactics

- complementary personalities, and an instinct as what each of them needs to do in a particular situation

- complete focus on solid bridge rather than flashes of brilliance

Recognising the existence of these attributes, let alone prioritising and " weighting " them in some way, is no easy task. Moreover, does one look more favourably on recent performances, as opposed to all performances over a longer period of time ? In my view, being a selector means you are on a " hiding to nothing ". For all you know it may be possible for the best individual players to quickly adapt and form themselves new truly invincible partnerships ?

GRAVEYARD HEADSTONES

FOR BRIDGE PLAYERS.........

.......... ( By Pun )

BRIDGE BOOKS LITTLE KNOWN BUT HIGHLY SOUGHT AFTER...... ( By Pun )

• I Played That Hand Like A Fool...................................Jack Hass
• We'll Be Carpeted Over This Wretched Scorecard.........Walter Wall
• Last Night I Finally HIt It Off With Partner.....................Ade Mee-Enderway
• So You Think You Can Take Us On ?..........................Ewan Huesarmy
• Are You Willing To Partner Me Then ?.........................Fred Knott
• That Egit Can't Possibly Be A Grandmaster ?..............Otis Trueman
• Rubbish Players Who Think They're Good....................Charlotte Tanz
• Partner, You Played Like A Lemon..............................Mia Pratt
• Notes On Bridge Technique.........................................Pam Flitt
• He's Actually Dating His Partner Tonight.......................Will E. Shafter

IN BRIDGE RISKS NEED TO BE INSURED AGAINST......( Article by Johnny Supremo )

Whatever contract you are in consider the risks, which nasty distribution, layout............. not to mention defenders ......might create for you. The whole concept of safety play is to identify and adopt a line of play that minimises the risks which could scupper the contract, by attempting to guard against such risks. This in essence is what insurance is all about. Skillful defenders will create risks, which need to be spotted straightaway..... and neutralised. Take this hand for example my novice partner botched up. He was declarer in 5D, with no opposition bidding, and his LHO led the queen of hearts at trick 1. My hand was: Kx ....Axxx.....J9x.....Axxx, which fitted extremely well with his QJxx ......Kx....KQ10xxxx....(void ).

At first glance declarer could see 11 easy tricks ( 2S, 2H, 6D, 1C ), losing only to both red Aces. Not surprisingly, complacency and impulsiveness both took hold. At trick one he took the heart in hand with the King. Next came the king of diamonds to take out trumps, which was taken by his LHO with her stiff Ace......only to switch to a second heart which was ruffed by her partner. Then the Ace of spades was cashed for the setting trick !

Bemoaning the fact that hearts split 6-1 received little sympathy from me. Why ? ....Well, there was an obvious case for taking out some insurance that was on offer....even against this very small risk. All declarer had to do was to take the heart trick in dummy with the Ace, and then play the Ace of clubs pitching the embarrassing and unnecessary King of spades. Then when diamonds are played out next, the LHO on winning with the Ace cannot give her partner a successful ruff ( since an over-ruff would follow ). As before 11 tricks are easily there, courtesy of 2S, 1H, 1C, 6D plus one spade ruff with dummy's third trump.

And the moral of this story is simple : look to guard against risks, no matter how small, by taking out whatever insurance is on offer.

GRAVEYARD HEADSTONES

FOR BRIDGE PLAYERS............

( By Pun )

BIGOT-JOHNSON GIVES ANOTHER 2 MINUTE INTERVIEW ....... ( A recent article as published in the Chicago Tribune )

- I see your team of all stars has made quite an impact over here ?

- Definitely... they've certainly kept your selectors and hospitals busy.....

- But aren't the tactics adopted by your players a little unethical or unorthodox .....to say the least ?

- No way....for allow me to quote a few words from Ira Corn Jr's book Play Bridge With the Aces ....which correctly states " Is bridge in fact a sport ? Yes, it is a sport as brutal and as tough as professional football...."

- Hmmm....well, let's leave that unsavoury topic behind...and move onto who you really are, and what events in the past turned you into the " bigot " you are today ?

- Well, as you already know, I was orphaned at an early age, and put into a children's home. This was all in all a very distressing period in my life.

- But then.....as a young man ?

- Having been underfed and undernourished for so long, I stood only 5 feet 2 inches tall...with physique that was barely noticeable.....and because of my long expression and big ears, people took me for a Beagle. But unlike all those horrible boys in the orphanage, they were at least polite and respectful.........despite treating me like a dog. Mind you, all this did have its compensations......I was never ordered off the grass in parks, no one complained if I piddled up against lamp-posts.......and pretty girls would frequently stop in the street to scratch me behind my ears.

- Amazing....so then you met the woman, who later became your wife ?

- Yes.....she was the only woman who was prepared to accept me for who I was.....with all my physical handicaps, such as my club feet and buck teeth. Mind you, I was more than willing to accept hers, as she was profoundly deaf and near blind.

- A remarkable woman.....but what about your involvement and achievements in bridge ?

- Yes, the game has been my salvation. With bridge clubs being the perfect haven for bitter, twisted, cantankerous old bastards.... like myself....there, I became one of many. And I knew, because of my obvious ability and flair for the game, I could really " damage " people and get away with it. Take it from me, bridge is regarded by most players as one way of indulging in legitimate, ritualised forms of non-physical violence, where they can stuff one another good and proper week-in week-out without fear of prosecution.

- An interesting and revealing perspective I must say....but what about all these court cases you've been involved in over the years ?

- Ahh...I thought you'd come onto that. Well, I'm a man who has forever been both persecuted and prosecuted...yet somehow I seem to manage to come out of it all unscathed........

- Well, I'm sorry to tell you that......there are rumours afoot that you and your boys are going to be indicted over here for acts of violence, and bringing the game of bridge into disrepute.....and that the tour will have to be called off. So what comment would you like to say on this matter ....?

- Bugger

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY...............................

• Partner : a player you once thought was on your side
• Rag : a flimsy bit of cloth you should never waft under the noses of bullish opponents, especially if it's red
• The Blue Club : a rather seedy dive in the red light district of Sheffield, where trick-seeking bridge players often visit late at night
• Sponsor : a rich person who hires top class players as partners, in order to gain a jump on others in scaling up the masterpoint rankings ladder
• x : a symbol which marks the spot on a map, where you recently finished off and buried your last partner
• Field : the ideal place in which to bury the bodies of ex-partners
• 10 to 3 : the exact time you can always guarantee that some bird-brained, late arrivals will turn up to the tournament, which was scheduled to start at 2
• Intro : a musical fanfare that strikes up the moment a celebrity player enters the bridge arena
• Moving seat : a item of furniture which travels through the air at speed, following the conclusion of a rather bitter and acrimonious argument

REBECCA ROOD'S MAIBAG.............................

Dear Rebecca, The majority of members in my local bridge club are well over 60, and I'm probably one of the oldest. My results in recent years have been consistently mediocre, never reaching 50%. Everyone keeps telling me to quit....and I'm fast running out of players who are willing to partner me.

I need your advice as to whether or not I'm over the hill, and should call it a day.

Yours, Wilma Hart-Takett

Dear Wilma,

Everyone needs to know when they have reached their sell-by date, and when of course their time as competent bridge player has passed them by. That moment is not always easy to recognise. Pun, God bless him, has done a couple of articles on this very subject of " You know when you are over the hill ", which are well worth checking out. But hey, I'm also willing to have a crack at it .

So should any of the these observations ring a bell, then you will have your answer for sure.

Yes Wilma, you know you are over the hill when.........

- the only jogging you do concerns your memory of what's on your system card

- " getting lucky " at bridge simply means avoiding a bottom

- doctors are telling you to slow down, but TDs are ordering you to speed up

- having picked up a really exciting hand, your pace-maker switches on the club's TV

- you find yourself asking a novice partner on where you went wrong as declarer

- a young female partner tells you she's got pierced....and you look straight at her ears

- your partner complains about your new crocodile skin shoes, when in fact you sitting there in bare feet

- dreams of getting to the top table involve a cruise liner and a very accommodating captain

- going bra-less to the club at least enables you to pull out all the wrinkles in your face

Yours, hoping these observations might provide you an answer, Rebecca

NEWSFLASH : IN CHICAGO, BIGOT'S BOYS BLOW AWAY ANOTHER TOP USA TEAM ........... ( Report by Pun )

With most of the original players still recovering from their ordeal in Boston hospital, the USA selectors decided to put out a much stronger team this time. Well, something had to be done to repair their international reputation, and restore national pride.

TV networks had arrived from all over America to televise live the whole match, clearly expecting something sensational to happen. How right they were. In the early stages, however, the match was a cagey nip and tuck affair, but yet again it was the visitors who took the initiative, by making that first bold thrust to open up a sizeable gap. And the man responsible for this was none other than Freddie " Flick-knife " Forbes. He was sharp....razor sharp......seemingly a cut or two above the rest. He had all the attributes of a man at the top of his game: a cutting-edge bidding system, clinical precision in both thought and deed, and an ability to scythe down opponents with very pointed and barbed comments.

Even when he made a few stabs at bidding dodgy-looking slams on wafer thin values, he always managed to pull them off. By dominating the bidding , he was hell bent on securing a huge slice of the declarer play. But what shocked the audience most was his supreme skill at severing the communication between his opponents. Ironically, whenever a USA player overbid his hand, he inevitably fell victim to particularly nasty breaks and trump splits.

However, one curious feature of the match was that every time USA players went to visit the toilet, the weak-bladdered Billy " Back-stabber " Bowles often went with them. Then, after returning to their tables, looking both flushed and fearful, these same American players then proceeded to play like rabbits, as though they had simply gone to pieces.

So as the match wore on, the USA team was systematically being torn to shreds. Well before the finish confidence, belief and life itself had slowly, but surely, drained away from each of the players. For the viewing American public it was too much to bear.....a bleeding shame in fact.

The moment victory for The Boys was announced, the odds on them going through the tour undefeated were dramatically slashed. Bigot-Johnson of course was ecstatic, and as he went up to collect the memorial trophy he whispered across to one reporter : " I'll let you into a little secret.....Freddie, you know, is a disciple of the greatest bridge book ever written......the rarely known, but highly rated, How to carve up the opposition by Butch Hering.......it's a killer. "