BRIDGE BOOKS TO WONDER AND MARVEL OVER.......

• Be Grateful Partner ,  Getting An Average Is Still OK......................Arthur Lofe
• Now That's What I Call An Excellent Fit !..........................................Dick Welling
• What Did The Expelled Member Send To Our Chairman ?............Imelda Bomm
• If They Expel My Partner , He's Likely To Torch The Place..............Gus E. Wood  
• Partner , Don't Walk Off With All The Travellers................................Anne Demmin
• Why Don't We Have Some Fun And Goulash The Deals................Les B. Norty
• Members In This Club Don't Know How To Queue Properly...........Jocelyn Ann Pushin
• What Do You Think About The Club's Zero Tolerance Policy ?.......Loda Bollox
• Long Sessions Of Bridge Make Me Feel Tired and Lethargic........Jay Didman
• Partner, Will You Please Stop Butting In When I'm Talking.............. Billy Goat
• If Any Opponent Behaves Suspiciously Make A Note Of It...............Mark Hiskard
• What Happened At The AGM When Chairman Started Crying.......Cy Lance Reind   

AS AN AGEING BRIDGE PLAYER YOU KNOW YOU'RE OVER THE HILL........

- when you can't recall ever climbing up the hill 
- when you sit in a rocking chair but can't get it going
- when asked about your trump holding you say it's down to excellent bowel control
- when your knees buckle but your belt can't
- when you realize today that you were down to play with your partner in last night's duplicate
- when you're unable to vacate your seat because the gravitational pull is far greater than the
   strength of your leg muscles
- when you wake up feeling like you've had a night on the town only to realize you haven't
  been anywhere at all
- when you hear the snap, crackle and pop and that's even before you've sat down to eat 
   your breakfast cereal
- when you find it mentally taxing even to follow suit 
- when despite your capacity to retain water you are constantly leaking all over the place
- when bending over to pick up a dropped card you wonder what else you could possible do  
  while you are down there
- when you start asking the opponents about the meaning of your partner's bids
- when partner comments on your " monstrous cock up " you immediately look down at your 
   flies 

DR.JOHN'S CASE NOTES : SLAPPED CHEEK SYNDROME

Many people wrongly assume that this condition is a disease-based skin colouration of the face . This is not the case at all.
The original term " slapped face " was given to a syndrome possessed by bridge players , who suffered a barrage of flat hand slaps across the face as a consequence of their inept play and clueless bidding. Victims of this kind of assault quickly developed a bright red rash on their swollen cheeks. Even if the slaps were feather-weight ,  then the damage caused was often exacerbated by their acute embarrassment and shame of being exposed as useless puddings.
The motive behind their irate partners' aggressive behaviour was either to help them stay awake ,  or to vent their displeasure at having to suffer of ignominy of gifting undeserving opponents fortuitous tops. 
The consequence of repeated slapping often left the victims with permanent red rashes on their cheeks , which were never given time to heal. As for prevention the only option available was to stay alert and duck in time. Sadly , with the majority of the players having dull reflexes to match their slow and sluggish thinking , bridge clubs today still remain the haven of red faced numpties : the true and only victims of the slapped cheek syndrome.

HOW TO SPOT THE ULTIMATE BRIDGE PLAYING BIGOT...... ( Article by Bigot-Johnson )

In a world of bigotry I am in a league of my own. So when you next enter a room full of bigoted bridge players , the one who should get all the plaudits is the annoying bastard who possesses all the following giveaway personality traits and characteristics. These are listed as follows :

1.  Male ( of course )  
2.  Grossly exaggerates and overstates his ability at the game
3.  Condemns all other players , regardless of their status , as " muppets "
4.  Argues vehemently that all poor scores are down to bad luck and the fickle finger of fate
5.  Conversely , all good results no matter how fluky stem from his abundant talent and skill
6   Tendency to bully and browbeat ineffective directors on how rules ought to be interpreted
7.  An unshakable  belief that he knows all the answers to all the bridge questions ever posed
8.  In complete denial of all his shortcomings and failings
9.  Sees himself instead as a paragon of virtue and ethical correctness, when in fact the
     opposite is true
10. Forever holding court to disaffected listeners and unsuspecting newbies
11. Holds the most outrageous and contentious opinions on matters he knows nothing about
12. Ignorant to the point of abject embarrassment
13. Arrogant , irritating loudmouth
14. Bombastic , full of attitude , pomposity, vanity and self-importance
15. Hates to be quizzed, questioned or criticised
16. A bully but also a coward
17. Wallows in his own glory but refuses to acknowledge or applaud the achievement of others
18. Riddled with hypocrisy , prejudice and bias 
19. Obstinately devoted to his own opinions no matter how absurd or unreasonable they are
20. Blighted by irrational thinking , and deaf to those who offer good advice , sound judgement ,
       and wisdom 

If any club member ticks all those boxes then you have the ultimate bigot in your midst , who in my learned opinion clearly deserves like me some kind of special tribute award or medal. 

            ADVERTISEMENT :   ( by Bigot-Johnson
       Chairman of the Slaughter House Bridge
       Club )

       Why not give bridge a try. This is a game
       for young people with problem-solving
       minds to engage with others in a social
       and friendly environment.

       See the tension and excitement on the
       faces of those recently taken at a Friday
       night duplicate.  

   

        So please join up and help our average age
        fall below 75 .....but remember ladies it is
        compulsory to wear a hat and a coat at all
        times irrespective of whether the radiators 
        are on or not. 
        

THE NORTHERN PRO GETS CONFRONTED AGAIN .......

-Northern Pro ……what is this National

 Grading System all about ?

-It’s a way of measuring your current

 performance taking into account the

 strength of your partners, and the

 quality of the field you were playing

 against

-Amazing……so how come I’m ranked

 as a QUEEN while you’re classed only

 as a NINE

-Listening muppet-head……I’m sacrificing

 my status by partnering inept and useless

 bunnies….who fail to grasp ….like you…..

 the finer points of my incredibly brilliant

 bidding system                                                               

-Oh…..the very same players… who when

 playing simple ACOL with me get some 

 cracking good scores…..now what does

 that tell us ?                                                                           

-Partner….have you any idea what it’s

 like to have your tongue ripped out…

 and your head beaten to a pulp with a

 hammer ?

-No…..

-Well…..I suggest you shut up and respect

 the fact that the game is not about results

 but more about the way my exquisitely crafted 

 and beautifully abstract bidding sequences

 involve countless alerts with overly complex                                                     

 explanations

YET ANOTHER GREAT LIMERICK BY THE POETIC GENIUS DR. SIGMUND T. SCHUKELGRUBER.........

Many players take on many roles 
Like for instance Bridge Bigot Bowles 
He knew more than all the rest
Even the experts even the best
This arrogant King of the know-alls

ANOTHER POETIC MASTERPIECE FROM DR. SIGMUND T. SCHUKELGRUBER  ENTITLED " BASHING PARTNER BLUES "......based on and inspired by Kristian Leontiou's brilliant and moving song The Years Move On


Sometimes my distress just passes you by
I'm never appreciated or admired
You build me up just to knock me down
I can never get up for being dead tired

I try so hard to do things right
I've always wanted to play a part
But your sniping remarks hurt so much
They break my spirit and my heart


And as the boards move on and on
I've yet to play the cards the way you do

I hear your whispers of discontent
Hurtful comments which make me weep  
It's my ego here you've ripped to shreds
Making demands of me I cannot keep

Why on earth do you keep me on
I find it hard to understand
Is partner bashing your only true love
Rubbing my eyes with salt and sand

And so the boards move on and on
I still haven't the courage to leave you

The price I pay for playing this game
Is having to cope with feeling blue
These verbal bashings I regularly get
Are simply for never knowing what to do

THE NORTHERN PRO EXPLAINS TO PARTNER
WHERE HIS PROBLEMS LIE..........

BIGOT-JOHNSON ON BULLYING.........

" We all know that the biggest problem facing any bridge club you today is bullying. Indeed at the Slaughter House BC it's widespread. So if other members tell you that their club has cracked the problem , then they need sorting out somewhere quiet where their screams can't be heard.
In most clubs , except for mine of course ,  the bullying has become less physical and far more psychological. In this modern age a new bullying culture has taken over from giving annoying opponents and inept partners a right good thrashing. Recriminations , accusations , insults , threats , relentless and merciless criticism are all ploys used and adopted by accomplished and serial bullies , who often boast and claim superiority of the finer points of the game.
Mind you ,  should the culprits be the more senior members in the club ,  then giving them the necessary leeway and freedom to behave like beasts seem perfectly acceptable. Committees obviously need to turn a blind eye to their antics rather than risk upsetting these long standing grandees and resident club experts , renown for their short fuses and sharp tongues. 
I do acknowledge this new bullying culture is a problem that needs to be addressed but how ?
Well at my club the answer is simple : find a scapegoat to target and implement ruthlessly effective ZTP initiatives. Instant retributive justice. This way any club committee can claim that the problem of bullying is being tackled , albeit in a controlled way where rampant double standards are maintained and upheld. 
One poor chap at my club was deemed the perfect candidate for being the next scapegoat. He was held responsible for a verbal outburst of highly toxic expletives at a table in play , which required our ZTP officers ( Ronnie and Reggie ) to intervene. Not surprisingly his mouth was immediately washed out with soap before having his head flushed down the toilet. Moreover he was given a wedgie he would never forget. Whether this is on-the-spot interrogation and subsequent implementation of punitive justice was correct who cares ?  But the fact remains that this wretched man willingly confessed to being personally responsible for everything , and was more than willing to take whatever punishment came his way. Nevertheless his confession was hard to discern given that his mouth was pumped full of water at the time .... yet the gist of it was all there.
So there you have it. One guaranteed way to keep psychological bullying under some sort of control. And as for the accusation that this man was pushed all the way down the toilet , this was a wicked lie , stemming from malicious gossip started by his bereaved family. Moreover , he was not " innocent " like so many ignorant . low born , riff raff members of the club claimed. Heavens above if the committee and I started picking on and persecuting the wrong people , then this would surely give our club and bullying a bad name ! "

BIGOT THE LOUNGE LIZARD REVEALS HIS TRUE COLOURS.....

BIGOT FAILS TO PLAY HIS CARDS RIGHT.........

NEWSFLASH : VICTOR MOLLO'S DIARY REVEALS A DISTURBING CONFESSION

Ugly rumours abound that Victor Mollo's wonderfully entertaining book " Bridge In The Menagerie " , in which players are referred to by animal names in keeping with their table behaviour , was inspired by an earlier albeit unknown literary work  by one of Sir Francis Dashwood's descendents. 
This 19th century masterpiece , entitled " Partnering Animals Is What I Love To Do Most " ,
was written by Bess T. L. Leening. This gifted writer depicted in her book of ill-repute all the club members who gave her the best time. In a doomed attempt to keep their true identities a secret , the animal names she chose completely gave the game away. Indeed , it was all easy easy to identify and name which club member she was referring to , given the fact that their sexual habits and traits had already become common knowledge through idle gossip on the club grapevine. Her top ten favourites included Mr. Ram , Bull , Donkey , Stag , Gorilla , Rabbit , Beaver , Kangaroo , Rhino and Ferret. 
Not surprisingly the book was banned for its illicit and saucy content with critics claiming there was nothing in there for the true bridge enthusiast. Indeed , churches combined their resources to buy up all the books only to burn them straightaway,  before persuading the publisher to stop printing.
Nevertheless , a few copies were secreted away and kept under lock and key by those with a love of animals. How Victor stumbled upon a copy no one knows ,but for him it was a priceless find. So captivated and enthralled by the animal characters ,  he felt compelled to write a book in a similar vein , simply as a tribute and dedication to Bess.

NORTHERN PRO PUTS HIS PARTNER STRAIGHT.....

- Northern Pro .......WE WON......WE WON......and for once I never put a foot wrong
- Partner ! ......Might I point out that we only defended three contracts....and on each of those 
  occasions all you had to do was follow suit........which I might add you managed quite well   
- Yes.....yes......but what about my bidding and declarer play ?
- Partner !....Can I point out to you that I punted and played all the game contracts...and hogged 
  most of the bidding on the part-scores. And as I recall....... I allowed you to be declarer when it
  was obvious the hands were going to be flat boards..... being bog standard easy-to-play lay
  downs 
- Oh .....so it seems then..... I hardly made any contribution at all to our resounding success this
  evening ?
- The word is negligible ....N...E...G...L...I...G....I...B...L....E......such was the extent of my
   magnificence , visionary bidding and inspired play
- Northern Pro ......as a humble and inept partner...... I stand here in absolute awe of your 
  greatness and genius   

MEANWHILE BACK IN THE BRIDGE CLUB BAR ROOM.....

JOHNNY SUPREMO'S MASTERCLASS IN DECEPTION.....

Johnny sitting West found himself having to defend a 3NT contract carrying most of the defence's ammunition. His partner could only be holding a 6/7 card spade suit and sod all else.
On a natural spade lead he could see declarer making this contract if diamonds were to be tackled rather than clubs ( 5D, 3H ,1S and 1C). Therefore , declarer had to be persuaded to play on clubs instead. And this involved casting a spell and creating an illusion.
Declarer sensibly ducked the first spade , and the second but was forced to play his Ace at trick 3. Seconds after his spade Ace went up West calmly threw away the Ace of diamonds ! The trap had been set and declarer fell right into it.
Believing that West had performed this unblocking move simply to create an entry into East's hand with the diamond queen ,  declarer could now confidently turn to clubs knowing that he only needed one of the two finesses to work. So if West switched to a small diamond , all that was required now was for declarer to go up with the boss King . Given the suit was breaking 2-2 , West yet again would be unable to get partner in to run off his spade winners.
At the table at trick 4 , declarer crossed to dummy with queen of hearts only to take a losing queen of clubs finesse. As predicted Johnny fired back his low diamond with declarer gleefully going up with dummy's King. Then at trick seven came the second attempt to finesse a club honour, and even though East showed out in clubs , declarer's smile certainly disappeared but it at least he had taken the best line at making the contract. But when Johnny pounced on declarer's club 10 with the jack to miraculously produce the diamond queen to beat the contract declarer knew that he had been well and truly shafted by a master of deception.

DRUGS IN BRIDGE : LATEST SCANDAL 

An in-depth investigation by news reporter Anna Bollick-Steroyd has uncovered evidence of the shocking use of drugs throughout the world of bridge.
According to her main source , the infamous whistle blower Ivor Bigmouth, many top players have become totally dependent on drugs to improve their levels of concentration , memory , speed and depth of analysis along with mental stamina.
" It's very sad " , said Ivor , " but the nature of the modern game has become so competitive and results orientated , players are resorting to all manner of ways by which to cheat and seek an unfair advantage. Using drugs to enhance their memory and performance is much harder to detect.Moreover , staying alert , sharp and fully focused over long sessions at the tables is not easy unless drugs are used. Before all this cheating ,  players would often fall asleep towards the end of a lengthy tournament. Others would go on dream-like walkabouts. But now you see hyped-up players jumping about in their seats , making flamboyant gestures , eyes all lit up as their minds run wild with probability calculations to determine their best options and lines of play. In my opinion these brain enhancement drugs should be treated with the same contempt as LSD , speed , ecstasy and amphetamines. "
However , one brain food addict was suspiciously quick to defend the practice saying " nearly all players pump themselves up with caffeine-laced coffees and liquid pick-me-up tonics , so why condemn those who go that extra step. Since everyone is doing drugs I see no objection when it comes to using stronger stuff when competing at the highest levels. Moreover the WBF has opted to sit on the fence, refusing to address this issue for fear of rocking the boat , by having more cheating scandals hitting the press. "
Ironically, one infamous player , renown for his high profile cheating , said " using drugs to improve performance is not acceptable especially when there are far more effective ways to achieve glory and success. No one should risk their personal health and well being when there are so many less damaging ways to gain an unfair advantage over unsuspecting opponents. "

NEWSFLASH : SCANDAL HITS ENGLISH BRIDGE ........

The genteel world of English bridge was rocked by allegations of match fixing in a regional qualifier for the prestigious national teams tournament to be held in London later on this year. 
Several team captains claimed that Bigot-Johnson's team deliberately threw their match against a team looking to secure selection for the international squad. 
The sequence of scores in a very one-sided match represented gross underbidding and overbidding on the part of his team members , not to mention their inept play in defence. Suspicions were aroused when the non-playing captain,  Bigot-Johnson ,  was spotted in the hotel car park receiving a large bulging brown envelop from the opposition captain prior to match , before skipping off to the bank just around the corner from the venue hotel. 
When questioned about his team's abject performance Bigot replied " it just one of those days when luck deserts you and nothing goes right ". He strenuously denied any impropriety, claiming that the team he brought to the event was " rubbish " , and that their inexperience of tournament events caused them to panic and make silly mistakes. When questioned about one board ,  where a team member in first position chose to pass on 16 points,  Bigot put it down to the player's tendency to indulge in trap passes. The fact that 3NT was rigid having been bid and made on every table with overtricks ( but not on his table ) caused Bigot no concern whatsoever. 
Nevertheless he did admit to being very disappointed by the results from this match , conceding that some arses needed to be kicked very hard indeed. 
The enquiry still continues following further further reports of Bigot taking his team for a very expensive slap up champagne meal immediately after the tournament was over , when it appears that he needed to borrow money on arrival to pay for the team's entrance fees.  

PROFILE OF A TRUE BRIDGE EXPERT...... ( Article by Carp )

Far too many bridge players claim to be an expert when in reality they are nothing more than competent. Even players who have attained high rankings fool themselves that they are experts, when these rankings are based more on numerous appearances at green pointed events rather than ever making a top ten finish. 
In my book experts.....I mean true experts.....are a rare breed , and only a very small number have the right and privilege to be classed as such. These highly gifted and talented players all possess the majority of attributes listed below :
1.  Depth of analysis
2.  Speed of analysis
3.  Table presence
4.  Alertness
5.  Reading of the cards
6.  Cunning
7.  Masters of deceptive play
8.  Imaginative and creative
9.  Always quick to Identify dangers and risks
10. Avoid where possible the need to guess
11. Ready and able to counter threats 
12. Never choose to rely on luck ( they simply make their own )
13. Snatch victory from the jaws of defeat
14. Adopt lines of play which maximise the winning odds
15. Never get ruffled or rattled
16. Faultless memory
17. Recognise partner's limitations and therefore bid/defend accordingly
18. Totally ethical 
19.  Always calm and assured
20.  Combine experience and skill to maximum effect

Indeed , I'm sure there are many other attributes which can be assigned to a true expert. So unless you can honestly say you possess many of the above specifications , just settle for being a competent bridge player......but nothing more.